Beautiful Creatures Review
by "Harvey S. Karten" (film_critic AT compuserve DOT com)March 16th, 2001
BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
Reviewed by Harvey Karten
Universal Focus
Director: Bill Eagles
Writer: Simon Donald
Cast: Rachel Weisz, Susan Lynch, Iain Glenn, Alex Norton
While a small sector of man-hating women who incorrectly consider themselves feminists may laud the theme of "Beautiful Creatures," the all-men-are-slime motif could have possessed some value as entertainment if not for Simon Donald's witless script, all-around unfocused acting, and director Bill Eagles' embarrassingly jagged pacing. Since film studios' output is dominated by positing men as action figures with women standing by their side, there may be some merit in centering on Petula (Rachel Weisz) and Dorothy (Susan Lynch) as the beautiful creatures who take destiny into their own hands like Ridley Scott's Thelma and Louise. Given that Rachel Weisz is no Susan Sarandon and Susan Lynch no Geena Davis--nor are any of the men in the Glasgow location of the action comparable to Harvey Keitel or Michael Madsen- -the entire enterprise sinks into a morass of grossly unsubtle violence.
In Bill Eagles' version of a meet-cute, two women, unlikely to pair save for their common enemies, run into each other when Dorothy saves Petula from a beating by an inebriated clod who drags a hiding Dorothy from beneath a car. Having brained the guy, Brian (Tom Mannion), who turns out to be Petula's boy friend, Dorothy joins Petula in dragging the creep back to the latter's flat where, after Brian wakes up and dies, the two women connect like lifelong pals excited by the propect of a big caper. Pretending that Brian has been kidnapped, the women engineer a ransom demand from the poor guy's rich brother, Ronnie (Maurice Roeves)--a fellow who looks like a refugee from a wax museum but appears to be Dorothy's boss as well. When corrupt detective George Hepburn (Alex Norton) makes a guileless move on both the ransom and the ditzy Petulia shortly before Dorothy's abusive boy friend Tony (Iain Glen) turns up to retrieve his stash of heroin, the stage is set for a pileup of bodies that would make Shakespeare happy--if the Bard could sit still through the abysmally clunky dialogue.
About the only praiseworthy aspect of the film is that the Scottish version of Milton's language needs no subtitles as did "My Name is Joe," but perhaps we in the audience would be better off if we did not quite understand about half of what's being said. Rachel Weisz, who supported Brendan Fraser so well in "The Mummy" as both ancient Egyptian royalty and present-day traveling companion, does best in understated roles. As a bewigged, sluttish-looking platinum blond, she does not fare so favorably. We wonder why her character would put up with the offensive boy friend for an hour, nor is there much chemistry between her and her co- caperer played by Andie MacDowell lookalike Susan Lynch.
A movie is in trouble when the dog steals the show.
Rated R. Running time: 88 minutes. (C) 2001 by Harvey Karten, film_critic@compuserve.com
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