Corran
A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300lb ***** is starting to look HOT....just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take
note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my
shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the
beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300lb ***** is starting to look HOT....just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take
note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to
be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye,
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water, my
shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth and my pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,
it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.
...i think it'
