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Okay, here we go.

For starters: "Mr. Bellpitt, my legs are soo swollen!"

That doesn't belong in this thread. That's the NEXT thread, I think.

Why would that be ush?

Well, that's ruined the thread already...

Oh my god! Im such a stupid dumb ass! Look I said I was slow! I cant believe I didnt spot that! Im sorry! Forgive my ignorance!

Self-criticism,again...

Lety's get this back underway.

Excuse me, I saw your advertisment for flying lessons, and I iwsh to make an appointment.

Oh. And AEROplane. I'm off to play the grand piano.

No more buttered scones for me, Mater!

My nipples are exploding with desire.

My hovecraft is full of eels.

I will not buy this tobacconist's, it is scratched.

Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait until lunchtime.

My, it's hot in here.

Please fondle my bum...

You want to come back to my place?

Alright then.

But only if you have a shower first...

(Twist! Does queeq know that one...?)

(Nope, sorry)

Arthur Putey, are you a man or a mouse?

(Answer would have been 'I've already had one'...)

Go away!

Welease Bwian.

No! Welease Woderwick!

Is there anything funny about the name Biggus Dickus? He has a wife you know. You know what's she's called? She's called...Incontinentia.... Incontinetia Buttocks.

He commands a cwack legion!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Our main weapon is fear, fear and surprise, our TWO main weapons...

Our two weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency.

Our THREE weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...

... and a fanatic devotion to the Pope. FIVE, Five main weapons. Our five main weapons are...

"Amongst our weaponry, are such elements as fear, surprise...
I'll come in again."

You'll have to do it...

Ok, how's this one,


Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

We need Edna for this one...

(Edna never being one to miss her cue!)

http://ednawitch.homestead.com/files/skeleton.dance.gif

Aaaaaannnnnnndddddddd..............

......Always Look on the bright side of life!

(Whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten!

And thats to laugh and smile and dance and sing!

When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps!

Just purse your lips and whistle, thats the thing!

Aaand always look on the bright side of life!

(etc.)

Life is quite absurd, and death's the final word...

Must always face the cutain with a bow!

Just the big sketches? Required learning is normally:

Killer Joke
Parrot Sketch
Silly Walks
Spanish Inquisition
Deja Vu
Cheese Shop

Though anyone who can do the entire Cheese Shop without a script needs help.

Parrot sketch huh? You mean:

Good evening. Here is the news for Parrots:


No parrots were involved in an accident on the M-1 today when a Lorry carrying High-octane fuel was in collison with a bollard. That's a BOLLARD and *NOT* a PARROT!

No, that's the TV for animals sketch

But... but... you MUST know the Parrot sketch... it just defies sense otherwise... it's their most famous sketch of all time. The Dead Parrot!?

In 'And now for something completely different' it was the lead for the lumberjack song...

Nope dont know it! Or I dont think I do.

Ok, you need a SEVERE Python injection. This is a serious case...

I have SO much to do when we finally meet up...

Yep. looks like it. I mean I love monty Python. I just havent had the time to really experience it! I think I do know some of the ntro for lumberjack song but not awhole scenes worth. My friend used to mumble it to himself all the time before we sang lumberjack song in maths.

Well, the original intro was the barber's shop...

We have to organise to meet. Why, you're only half a person right now!

Yes I think it is the original intro I know!

I never wanted to do this in the first place!

I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!

(piano)

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!

I'd sing! Sing! Sing!

No! You missed a huge chunk! And said I didnt know the stuff!

...The Larch!

The Pine!

The Giant Redwood tree!

The Sequoia!

The Little Whopping Rule Tree!

We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Ok, listen here, Little Missy, before you mouth off about one of my specials

First, this thread has NEVER been a line-by-line synopsis, we skip bits all the time.

Secondly, you had ALREADY skipped a load by going to the 'best girlie' line!

Thirdly, you are WRONG with what you put there! The lines are:

The Giant redwood, the larch, the fir,the mighty scots pine! The smell of fresh cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girlie by my side! We'd sing etc.

So watch yourself in future, one who is throwing stones in a glass house!

OK dont shout at me you freak from a menagerie!

No! It's Eric the half a bee!

No Cyril Connolly!

That's John Cleese's favourite, that one...

OMG, have we really broken the bar?

Broken the bar? How could we have done that?

I have suddenly come over all peckish though!

It's not working... oh heck! That's not going to do our job prospects any good!

I have a plan- I will run away in a few mos, and come back later...

Is that a hint that you are going offline? Well by then but make sure you bring me back some cheese!

Cheese WILL be brought!

Would you please go away. I'm examining this man.

It's okay, I'm a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynaecologist but this is my lunch hour.

(one of my favs)

Well, that's very interesting, because I am now made entirely of tin.

Maybe he was dying when he wrote it.

Don't be ridiculous!

DINSDALE!!!

And so, that night, at Luton airport...

Take this bus to Cuba.

The great thing about McTeagal's Pottery... POETRY

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

The Bishop!

This is getting silly!

Yes, couldn't agree more, very silly...

Ahem- this could take a while...

Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond Streey just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walople, when suddenly I came ovr all peckish.

Peckish sir?

Esurient.

Uh?

EEEE, I were all 'ungry, like!

Oh you're hungry!

I really have to watch some Python, I'm well lost.

In a nutshell. So I thought to myself 'a little fermented curd would do the trick'. So I curtialed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

Yep, lost!

(nearly had me stumped then!)

Come again?

I want to buy some cheeeeese!

Oh I thought you were complaining about the (something-help me out here!) player!

(Music... thought you were complaining about the music... there are two people in city suits dancing in the background)

Heaven forbid, I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.

Sorry?

I LIKE a nice dance, yeh forced ta!


"Anyway"

So he can go on playing then?

Forget about your...(something... can't remember...),

Give your audience a grin!

Now my good man, some cheese plase.

(sin)

Enjoy it, its your last cahnce anyhow!

(Cheers)

SOoo, always look on the bright side of death!

Just before you draw your terminal breath!

(There, gave you your favourite...)

Certainly sir, what would you like?

Well, how about a little Red Leicester?

"LIFE'S A PIECE OF ****!
WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT!"

We're right out of red leicester sir!

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true...

Oh, never mind. How are you on Tilsit?

Sorry, sir, no Tilset at the end of the week, it comes fresh on monday.

Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, then if you please, stout yeoman.

Ah well thathas been on order for two weeks sir. We were expecting it today!

Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?

Sorry sir!

You'll see its all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Remember that the last laugh
Is on you!

Red Windsor?

Normally yes but today the delivery van has broken down!

Aand... always look on the bright side of life!

Ah... Stilton?

Well personally I think this whole topic is just nothing but SPAM!

sorry

Gruyere, Emmental?

No

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, Star Wars and spam?

Any Norwegian Jarlsberger?

No!

Lovely spam
Wonderful Spaaaaaam
Lovely spam
Wonderful spaaaaaam
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-am!
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-am!
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-am!
Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-am!

Cant remember the rest. Not that its all that long!

Either that or it goes on forever...

So, you know all the songs but not the sketches, am I right?

Pretty much yes. I know a few lines from sketches but not much at all!

Liptauer?

Not as such

No!

Lancashire?

Nope!

White Stilton?

No!

Danish Blue?

No!

Double Gloucester?

(Pause...)

Way to go Edna, how to make someone feel unwelcome....

Toilet requisittttt tttttttte

Hey hey hey! No offence, everyone... Edna and myself are just trying to get the whole skecth done, which will take a while...

Double Gloucester...?

(Pause)

...ah no!

Cheshire?

no.

Any Dorset Blue Vinney?

no

Brie, Rocquefort, Pont-l'Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre-de-L'Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleue, Perle de Champagne, Camembert...?

Ah! We do have the Camenbert yes sir!

You do? Excellent.

Yes sir! Its ...um...a bit runny sir!

Oh, I like it runny.

Well its very runny actaully sir!

No matter, no matter. Hand over le fromage de la Belle France qui s'appelle Camembert, s'il vous plait.

I think its a little runnier than you would like it sir!

I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Oooooh!

What?

The cat just ate it.

HAS he?

She sir!

(Pause)

Gouda?

No

Edam?

No!