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I knonw Gundy is a bit of a wizz in the kitchen but what about the rest of you.

Who cooks and who goes for takeout???

By cook, I do mean more than sticking a TV dinner in the microwave!!!!

I CAN cook... though I do tend to simply not eat if I ever can't be bothered.

I can cook, but I'm usually too busy. My wife does most of the cooking. I regularly cover for her, but nowadays it's simple meals really.

I go for the not eating option too. I can cook the basics like pasta but other than that I am an utterly awful cook. And I mean awful!

I do a nice line in Bolognaise, and I am very proud of my Beef in Red Wine.

Very much the New Man, buddy?

Ah...NO, can't cook.

And when i sya pasta I mean boiling pata and tipping a jar of ragu over the top! That is about the extent of my culinary skills! Anything else and I am likely to poison myself!

Nothing "New Man" about it. I started cooking when I was about 12. Now I don't create massive masterpieces of my own, but give me a decent cookbook and there's not much I can't have a go at.

I`m a terrible cook have problems boiling an egg.

I find it helps to yell at them a lot...

Hmmm...they actually yell at food where you come from huh?

If you define 'come from' as 'my room', then yes.

Ahh, the meeting of two great culinary non-entities...

Really?, learn something new every day.

Everything should work better if you yell at it.

I'm not sure about yelling at eggs. Don't want to give them an inferiority complex.

Well, they are small and hard of hearing. So, there's something in favour of yelling.

Well perhaps. Isn't that being a little hard boiled though ?

Better than soft and runny. That doesn't get you anywhere.

Except on a piece of toast maybe.

Yes, but who wants to spend his last moments on earth on a piece of burned bread?

Hey! Have you been probing my mind again?

What do you mean "again"? We do that constantly.

After all, it really doesn't take that long.

The constant probing does. It takes a lifetime.

Hey! I heard that RC! You're playing it close to the line again...

Rubs out line and re-draws it 4 feet away. Happy now?

How nice. He obeys your commands, Ush.

Yep, that's me, the good little doggie...

Now you both mock me...

It's in our job description.

Is that the same job description where I get paid loads of money? If it is, then I need a copy cos my and my boss need to have a serious chat!!!

Can I get in on this money bonus?

only if I can.

*checks job description*

It doesn't say anything about money...

I rest my case.

I'm the only real one on queeq's payroll. He just launders money through imperial channels and uses the force to make you all think you get paid.

But what exactly is it that you do?

Well I perform a number of tasks.

Hmmmm, I meant OUTSIDE of the closet...

Hmmmmm.....well I do cook. And....ummmm....I just make sure.....everything runs smoothly. Yeah, thats it. Everything runs smoothly.

So you keep everything well lubricated?

Stop that! Stop that RIGHT now!

I love it when you talk like that, Ush. Hehehe.

That explains a lot...

So glad I could be of service...

You always are...

Indeed.

I was just saying that she keeps the machine well oiled and running smoothly...

And she does.

Well then, that's the question answer.

I think thats a perfectly legitimate job description.

Yep, so Lube Girl it is then.

Hmmmm....sounds like a name on a nascar calendar. If only I looked like that. Sigh.

But..... You do...

But I weigh 131 pounds, not 102 !!!!! (typical woman whining sound)

Now you sound like Dim!!!!

Jeezz, you look GREAT, don't knock yourself down. Those Bimbos have nothing over girls like you and Dim!

Hehehe...flattery will get you everywhere..

Who will you flatter next, RC? Edna?

Or keo?

Who seems to be lost for words. That's a first!

Thats just keo's favorite gremlin.

Awwwwww.....thanks RC. You certainly have a way with words.

(Gives RC a gold star for the day on chart in office)

My Pleasure.

Ooooo, now I feel honoured.

You should. You are on my hunka-hunka list, remember ?

And I will always be your undying servant...

Ooooooo....I've never had a man treat me like this before....(runs off to fix RC's favorite dinner) Hmmmm...now if I only knew what it was....

Well, skip dinner, go straight for dessert!

Grand Marnier swirled in heavy cream ?

how to boil water 101.

Gundy, I think I want to marry you!!!

But what about me!?

Boiling water is highly overated.

Yeah, barely fills me at all.

Well why don't you try putting a tea bag in it next time. That is a british thing, ya know !

Can't stand tea...

Really ? How about coffee ?

No!

Wine ? Beer ? (sorry, ale) Vodka ? Rum ? Champagne ? Fairy juice ? Bug juice ? Beetlejuice ?

SORRY, ALE?

You have a VERY odd view of this country, Gundy...

And no to all of those.

Not even Fairy Juice?

Well, now I think about it...

I made Raz laugh ! I made Raz laugh !

Congrats!

So what do you drink Ush?

I my tea and coffee, most kinds of soda and juice too.

Orange Juice, Sprite and Lucozade.

OK, that works...

Sure does!

And lots of water.

I can't stand tap water. I opnly drink it with squash or from a bottle.

Bottle AND tap for me...

Too much chlorination, etc for my liking.

Blimey. That's a tad paranoid...

Not paranoid, I just don't like the taste.

Gotcha.

Its not the chlorine, its chloride, which wont harm you at all. Infact you need a certain level of chloride ions in your bloodstream anyway. Its the flouride that you want to worry about if you are determined to be paranoid! Not that I want to worry you or anything!

Yah, but as he said, that's not it...

She's right of course, chlorine is at the pool!

We used to have one of the filter things but it cracked and I need to get a new one.

I know why the stuff is there, but that doesn't make it taste better.

Doesn't REALLY taste that much for you, does it?

Of course it doesnt! He's just being a baby! If he didnt know it was there he wouldnt be able to taste it!

Ah... like that, eh?

That is soooo untrue. Water differs in tatse all across the coutry and all across the world.

Tap water in Florida tastes nothing like tap water in Kent. And when I go to Manchester, the water up there has a different taste too.

Exatly like that! if we blindfolded him and gave him bottled water and tap water, he couldnt tell the difference!

Wooooo, it's like the pepsi challenge.

THAT sounds like a good idea...

Which particular brand of bottled water are we using, they all taste different you know.

I'm an Evian man...

I like Zephre Hills but I can't find it here.

Never bloody heard of it! Evian or Volvic.

It's Floridian, and swearing does show a lack of vocabulary apparently...

But 'bloody' shows good British character!

Well what do you expect? I do live in a village just outside the scummiest town in Staffordshire! My language is quite clean considering!

Which town?

Hmmmm, that isn't really an excuse. This board is open to all age groups, we should be respectful of young eyes...

There is no way we are censoring 'bloody'...

I know I know I know! But that want technically a swear word but I knwo what you mean!

And Ush Im not telling you that! You might stalk me!

In context no, but when used as an expletive I think we are.

Raz knows where I am on this one. I think we can continue to use bloody in either sense.

I see.

Closing...

Ushgarak, I think we need to talk...