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The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Aye!!!!!!!!!!1 The woman stuff is kinda interesting -_-

But the ruled by a dick part is .. We have feelings to you know :P

awwwww but if u knew me ud kno i love guys
this is nothing against them just a little joke

Silver, you're kicking ass! LMAO

thanks

man two nights in a row..you go silver!

i read that somewhere... hmmm

Just you wait i'll come up with something soon !!!!

thank you i just get really hyper and then i cant help myself
and again in no way is this a diss to the fellas out there

Ok I found something but its not that funny but oh well, I have to try don't I :P

I'll find betetr ones toomorow , I am a bit sleepy -_-

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A Man's Guide To Female English

_

-- We need to talk = I need to complain_
-- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to_
-- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important_
-- We need = I want_
-- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now_
-- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later_
-- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period_
-- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs_
-- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....._
-- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white_
-- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep_
-- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive_
-- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like_
-- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV_
-- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful_
-- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me_
-- Are you listening to me!? = _
-- Yes = No_
-- No = No_
-- Maybe = No_
-- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry_
-- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house_

do u really wanna start this i can really dish it out

okay im sorry last one

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

oh my this is too good.......

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"
"Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great!" says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."

aha!!! thats what I always thought!!

one of my best yet

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?_
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?_
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink._

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?_
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure._

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Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

---------

Oh dont get me wrong i love girls more than dogs but those dogs things are all true, and blablabla.

Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

take that

Oh and Silver , where do u get all these jokes, they are good O_o

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.

Sociable Type
Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.

Timid Type
Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.

Nosy Type
Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.

Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.

Clever Type
Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.

Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.

Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.

Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.

Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.

Conceited Type
Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.

Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.

Sloppy Type
Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.

Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.

Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.

Efficient Type
Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.

Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.

Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.

Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.

Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

my little secret

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.
You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
They last longer and come with a warranty.
You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
They come in fashion colors.
You can keep them in maximum zoom.
They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
The parts that count are portable.
They don't mind over-exposure.
They respond to the slightest touch.
The one you want is available at a KMART near you

OMG! My dad is like on the floor on a featal position laughing his guts out!

lol glad to help

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?
After five years, the job still sucks

--
37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work .. more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

----------

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !"

"Blowjobs!", the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied," If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

--------

BAH!!!!!!!!

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a ****.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Wat men really mean when they say.........

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!
2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in
Victoria's Secret is:

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

bump and a half

yea i know im looking for all my threads

this is hilarious!!women rock!!

thats me! cock eyed type......but only cos it can reach over the cubicle wall....