Fun'n'Jokes Thread

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masterofmatrix
post funny pictures, quotes or jokes here. here are some of mine..

*A little boys parents were arguing one day and were calling eachother "*****" and "bastard". The boy overheard this and went up to his dad and said "daddy, whats a *****?"
the dad said "nothing son, it just means a lady"
"ok" the boy said and went to his mum next. "mummy, whats a bastard?"
His mum said "nothing son, it just means a man"
"ok" the boy said.
The next day, the boys parents went to the chemist and brought some condoms and the boy asked "mummy, daddy, what are condoms?"
They replied and said "its means coats"
"ok" said the boy. Later that day, they were expecting guests and his mum was upstairs putting make-up on. Of course, the boy was in there and his mum dropped her foundation on the floor and said "shit!!"
He then said "mummy, what does shit mean?"
she says "oh nothing son, just means make-up"
"ok, wheres dad?" he asked
"hes in the kitchen"
So he went downstairs into the kitchen and saw his dad cutting chicken. His dad cut himself and shouted "****ing hell!!"
The boy knew what hell meant so he said "daddy, what does ****ing mean?"
his dad just said "nothing, just means cutting"
Just then, the doorbell rang, and the boy went to get it as his parents were busy. He opened the door, it was the guests and the boy said "hello bitches and bastards, can i take your condoms? My mum is upstairs putting shit on and my dad is ****ing the chicken"!!!!!!


*My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again

*Three men were walking down a street and found a bottle laying on the side of the road. They picked it up and a genie popped out. The genie said, ''You will each get one wish.''
The first man wished he was 20 times smarter. The genie made him 20 times smarter. The second man wished he was 30 times smarter. The genie made him 30 times smarter. The last man wished he was 60 times smarter.

The genie turned him into a woman

dave123
bump

BOPRecruit 16
redneck joke: you know you're a redneck when you're too drunk to fish.

Dogbert
interesting... confused

LanceWindu
bumping uglies?

MC Mike
Dave's on a bumping spree of never replied to threads.

dave123
only the 2!

BOPRecruit 16
dream joke: i had this dream where i was eating a huge yummy marshmellow. when i woke up, my pillow was gone! laughing

Dogbert
hmm..i think u "bumped" it a little early, it has like 7 replies

MC Mike
Maybe today, yes. But you seem to do this often. roll eyes (sarcastic)

dave123
only when i'm bored

MC Mike
You're always bored.

dave123
sils gone for a few minutes and BAM, i start bumpin threads

silver_tears
raver I feel honoured

dave123
lil asked me to make a thread cos conversation was slow (well, there was no convo) without you, but i'm too lazy and bumped some instead

MC Mike
more like:

mc mike starts a convo with me and BAM, i start bumpin threads


stick out tongue roll eyes (sarcastic)

dave123
laughing out loud true, that

MC Mike
thanx dave, your a real pal

Crash_Overload
So you want jokes A?






-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to
attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner
until you have knocked them out.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head,
they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to
each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds,
unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly
sees what he wants and what concerns him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys go up to heaven at the same time, and the head angel says,
"it's been a busy day, so i can only let one of you in. whoever has the
best story gets to go in."
the first guy said,"i had been suspecting my wife has been cheating on
me for the past year, so one day when i went up to the 25th story on our
apartment (where I live) i heard her in our room, and i was expecting the
worst. i decided to kill the man she was cheating on me with, so i looked
out the window, and here's a guy who's hanging from my telephone wire. i
hammer his fingers, but he doesn't drop. i decide to throw our refrigerator
out the window, so i hoisted it up on my back, and my shirt got caught, and
i threw it out the window and i fell out with it."

the second guy said, "i was an innocent window washer and i was washing
windows when i saw something shiny. i reached out to grab it and the next
thing i know im dangeling from a telephone wire. then a freak comes up and
started hammering my fingers. i decided not to let go, then a refrigerator
drops on me and i die."

the third guy says, "Picture me nude in a refrigerator. Enough said."

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=== In Trouble ===

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly

finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty

group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly

to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a

voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed.

Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in

the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds

to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body,

breathing heavily and surrounded by 100

natives with a look of shock on their faces,

Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW

you're screwed."

Crash_Overload
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Lessons For Life

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit

saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do

nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped

on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

up.


Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get

to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"

replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey

pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon

he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the

tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The

brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's

responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we

carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands

said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all

the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and

the eyes until finally the ******* spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So

the ******* went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the

feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain

fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should be the

Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the

work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do.


Lesson Number 4

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a

pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last

meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,

he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten

too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked

around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up

against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,

thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when

he hit the floor. Dead.

The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know

you're full of shit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

<<<When the End of the World Arrives, How Will the Media Report It?>>>-



-USA Today: WE'RE DEAD


-The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS


-National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN


-Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE


-Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE


-Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER


-Wired: THE LAST NEW THING


-Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR


-Readers Digest: 'BYE


-Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?


-TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!


-Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!


-America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE


-Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

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TRADITIONAL CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with
an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via
an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine
cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows... both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...

Crash_Overload
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An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15
minutes of fishing,ol grandpa takes out his flask of wiskey
and starts drinking. His grandson ask's,"Can I have some Grandpa?
"Can your dick touch your ass?" he replies.

"No"

"Then you're not old enought,sit down"

Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel
and starts to puff away. His grandson ask's "Can I have
some of that gramps?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?"

"No"

"Then you're not old enought,sit down."

Feeling bad the little boy sits down and starts to eat some
chocolate chip cookies that he brought along.Grandpa sees these
cookies and ask's,"Can I have a cookie?"

"Can your dick touch your ass?"

"Yeah"

"Then go **** yourself cause grandma made these for me."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He
is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed,
however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says,
"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot
about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and
we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into
Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter.
I was looking forward to this. But nobody never told me about any
entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough
test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test
I have for you is only three questions.

Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next
day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think about the questions, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one was: "How many days of the week
begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today
and Tomorrow."

St. Peter's eyes open wide, and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not
what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess
I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?" says St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?

"Now that one's harder", says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second...." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where
you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's
go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied, "Andy". "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I
can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in heavendid you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"

"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the
song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME"

"Run Forest, Run!"



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his
cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead!
What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make
sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair,
and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.


"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the
heck am I doing?" he thought, and
pulled over.


The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the
car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I
don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go."


The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back."


"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a

woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"


The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went

into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with

tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to

kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,

"This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with
matching leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus'
first step.

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus
only to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once
again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt
to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily
from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. The pretty young woman
went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!!!"

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was friends."

MC Mike
I've read most of those. stick out tongue

Crash_Overload
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Times When The "F" Word Was Appropriate


10. 'What the **** was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945

9. 'Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877

8. 'Any ****ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does SO ****ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the **** did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566

4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna ****ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. 'Scattered ****ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC

2. 'Aw c'mon, who the **** is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997

1. 'I need another parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head!' - JFK, 1963

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Homer:"Ooooooh, they have the internet on computers now!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are
out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,
that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and
my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the
land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.


Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come
into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.


"President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000
feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country;
nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."


President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There was a Genie that saw
a bear chasing a rabbit the
genie said if the bear stops
he will grant them each two
wishes. They Agree the bear
says " I want to have the
bigest penis that any bear
ever had so it is granted
the rabbit says " I want
a motorcycle" the genie
shrugs and grants his
wish. Then the bear
said I want all
the bears but
me to be female
that is also granted
then the rabbit starts
his motorcycle and says
"I wish the bear was gay" and rides off





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Times When The "F" Word Was Appropriate


10. 'What the **** was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945

9. 'Where did all these ****ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877

8. 'Any ****ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938

7. 'It does SO ****ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926

6. 'How the **** did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC

5. 'You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566

4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna ****ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. 'Scattered ****ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC

2. 'Aw c'mon, who the **** is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997

1. 'I need another parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head!' - JFK, 1963

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Homer:"Ooooooh, they have the internet on computers now!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are
out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish,
that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and
my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the
land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.


Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come
into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's
eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.


"President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000
feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country;
nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."


President Bush says, "Very impressive. Fill it with water."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



There was a Genie that saw
a bear chasing a rabbit the
genie said if the bear stops
he will grant them each two
wishes. They Agree the bear
says " I want to have the
bigest penis that any bear
ever had so it is granted
the rabbit says " I want
a motorcycle" the genie
shrugs and grants his
wish. Then the bear
said I want all
the bears but
me to be female
that is also granted
then the rabbit starts
his motorcycle and says
"I wish the bear was gay" and rides off

Crash_Overload
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Beer for Geeks

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener,
and requires you to read the directions carefully
before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However,
the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each,
which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to
keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer: At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but
now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be
a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When
you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to
ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you
don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the wastebin.

Windows 95 Beer: The world's most popular beer.
Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.
Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims
that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink
a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you
are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.
Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows
Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer: See Windows 95 beer above. About the
same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes
you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer: A new beer on the market. A lot of
people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful.
The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes
like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but
when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer
in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows
95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and
say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at
the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only
buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go
out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like
Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the
can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000
Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging
from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce
brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different
brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own
can opener around for these occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who
has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their
recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so
now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold
very well, because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz
can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally
introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't
changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of
this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In
response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start"
button to turn the engine off!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crash_Overload
Dear Journal,
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we
reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then
she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and
that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just
stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where
the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five
minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this
situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He
was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid
and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated
me on passing their little test.

Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Yours

Tex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is
bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
ceehiro
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Legolas: "Lembas! One small bite fills the
Stomach of a grown man."
Merry: "Eeerr...How many did you eat?"
Pippin: "Four."





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following are real school excuses,
explaining the reason behind the absence of
students. Enjoy! :-)

12. Please excuse my son for being absent yesterday,
because there is a river in our house.

11. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.

10. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

9. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He
fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

8. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his face.

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has
been bothered by very close veins.

6. Chris will not be in shcool cus he has an acre in his
side.

5. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
vowels.

4. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
diarrheea and his boots leak.

3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

2. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to
attend her funeral.

and last but not least...

1. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I
had her shot!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one is appparently a true story...

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,
at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to
talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to: thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for
coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a
fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing
gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a
manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was
his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside
each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired
a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After
he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- you," he turned
to the bride and said **** you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded
crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first
thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the
engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes
through with it as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: making the bride's
parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception.
Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing
the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends,
their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
This is his world, we just live in it. Love ya work, mate!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and
knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?"
Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is
puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent."
Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in
this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city."
So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves.
Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks
on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok,
are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There
are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns
in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO!
THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle.
A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun
answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?"
The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE
NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in
the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy
returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start
running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN! DOPEY ****ED A PENGUIN!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crash_Overload
IRELANDS Y2K STATEMENT

"Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every programme in every system.
We have analysed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission,
and have now implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect
your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,
November, December.

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K"
problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and
our team is glad to help in any way possible"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Once upon a time, there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead
who lived in a house. This house had a magic mirror. A person would
just simply stand beore it, and say something, such as "one plus one
equals two." If the statement was true (in which this case it is),
then the
person would still be standing there, neither better nor worse. But
if the
statement was false, then they would disappear.
One day, the redhead walked up to the mirror and said, "I think
I am
the smartest person in the world."
*POOF* She disappears.
Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I
am the
most beautiful person in the world."
*POOF* She disappears.
Then, the blond comes up. She stands there for a while, thinking
hard. "I think--" she begins.
*POOF* She disappears.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JACK HANDY

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on
a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit
by meteorites and not even feel it.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I
guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down
in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like
they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door,
I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern
with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once
in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later
that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade
at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe
it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while
they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the
customer. Make them feel special



Fish: Yes?

Patrick: I love you.

- - -



Spongbob boss: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?

Spongebob worker: You don't pay me. You don't even exist.
We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Spongbob boss: One more crack like that and you're outta here!

Spongebob worker: NO! PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!

- - -

Mr.Krabs: Patrick your fired!
Patrick: but mr.krabs i don't work here
Mr.Krabs: would u like a job
Patrick: would i ever!
Mr.Krabs: welcome aboard
Patrick: what do i do first?
Mr.Krabs: your fired.

- - -



I WILL GIVE 20$ TO WHOEVER READS ALLLLL OF THAT!!!

dave123
DEAL

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