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EMABARISING MOMENTS:


While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..


It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got of the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SU- PERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

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i will post more soon. post your own if you wish

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THINGS YOU WONT KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Dinosaurs only eat ugly or immoral people.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you hadn't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All single women have a cat.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

The Chief of Police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon - then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Restaurant bills will always be 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

A person being persued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them - even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it does for the person chasing to jump over them.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything through a figure eight shape.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets. Later, you will drive through it.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without fear of smudging.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and yelling "Hello? Hello?"

A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on their own - so they can be killed one by one.

Should you need to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Megalomaniacs intent on world domination won't be able to resist telling their arch nemesis every detail of their evil plans.

Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become either prostitutes or welders.

A full moon can occur for several nights in a row.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can by running down the stairs.

The person you trust most at work is probably the one who is trying to kill you.

During a murder investigation lasting several weeks it will not be necessary for detectives to go home at any time to eat, sleep, shave or change their clothes.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

In the 19th century, long before sunbathing became fashionable, men and women already had tan lines and white bottoms.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blurred.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

The only courses taught in American High Schools are American History and English.

Dogs always know who's bad and will bark at them.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause amnesia.

The most beautiful girl in school will never be able to get a date.

If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose the precise moment to leap out at you from inside a cupboard.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, it's internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose this will also coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow (only to be troubled and insecure)?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ..."practice"?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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originly i was going to post all 3 at the same time but the text was too long so sorry

OMG...i really just read all that

Its amazing how many movies come to mind when you think of them points there...

i know

fuuck i aint reading that now i have to go to calls in another 50 minutes