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Five things that sucked about Lord of the Rings.



1. It didn't have Lo Pan in it.
That's right. I'm talking about the perpetuator of ass kicking himself, Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China: one of the best movies ever made. Lo Pan, for those of you who are adept at depriving yourselves of things that rule, is an evil war lord cursed to roam the world in spirit form. Basically he runs around stomping people's holes who piss him off (which happens to be everyone). Lo Pan doesn't take shit from anyone; exactly the kind of character Lord of the Rings needed. If I directed the movie, I'd have casted Lo Pan as the lead, instead of that pussy Frodo. With Lo Pan in the movie, it would have been about 5 minutes long: first scene would have been Lo Pan ruining everyone's shit, killing all the babies and then spiking midgets off the ground. Oh man.

2. Not enough lesbians. In fact, there weren't any.
So I paid $7 to see a movie with really high acclaim and great reviews; surely it was reasonable to assume that a movie of such supposedly high caliber must have lesbians in it. Expecting a solid two hours of lesbian mud wrestling, I was rendered impotent by chunky midgets with hairy feet instead. What the hell? I'm not the only one who feels the lack of lesbians hurt the movie overall. In fact, I overheard a lady behind me whispering to her boyfriend "no lesbians? this is bullshit!" I want my 8 hours of my life back. Which leads me to my next point...

3. The movie was actually longer than the book (go figure).
In the time it took to watch this movie, I could have read the book, filed my tax return, proved the Riemann Zeta hypothesis and still had time to write a page about how boring the movie was. This is a picture of me during the movie that my friend took; this movie was so boring that I turned into a middle-aged black woman when I fell asleep. Damn. It seems like every time some long-ass boring movie comes out, everyone gives it rave reviews (except for that dog shit Water World, not that I've seen it *******). If this movie was any longer, it might have even been a contender for the longest movie ever made: Brave Heart. I have the attention span of a Fox News reporter when it comes to watching movies, and I was bored to tears near the end, and at the beginning... and during the middle part.

4. The king of Fairies was accidentally miscast as the king of men.
King of men my ass. This chump change was pissing me off left and right during the movie. "I'm afraid of the temptation.. I'm afraid... boo hoo, I'm a sissy boy, don't give me the ring, I might start wetting the bed again." What a pussy. If there was an Ogre about to kick my ass, which is impossible to imagine because I'm so tough that I can rip a phone book in half with my eye lids, I wouldn't let this nancy defend me. "Piss off Fairy King, I'd rather die."

5. It didn't have the Gandalf pimping scene in it.
Am I the only one who noticed that the entire Gandalf pimping scene was missing from the movie? I'm talking about the scene in which Gandalf happens across a magic crate full of enchanted pimp armor. The armor renders the wearer into a super-suave womanizing sex machine. After Gandalf discovers the magic garments, he journeys to the land of the golden shower on a pilgrimage of self-discovery to unleash the true power of his staff. During his quest, he's accompanied by his friend from the east side, Cop Killa. Together they bring down the law and clean house on an illegal pimping monopoly which dominates the market of fine Hobbit bitches in Hobbitville. People died of boredom while watching Lord of the Rings.

I got this from this site:
http://www.maddox.xmission.com/lotr1.html
i thought it was funny i can take a joke

Well spydar it is good you can take a joke. As for the person who wrote this, it's good to know that ignorance is still widespread and going strong in the world.

I love lotr's but I thought this was hella funny! thanks spydar1982

omg that reminds me of that stupid text "50 reasons why you should not see LoTR" (most total nonsense and also very, very badly researched, like "lotr was filmed in mexico" )

Mind you, I'd support King Boromir over King Aragorn...

Oh! Yeah sure. King "Steal-A-Ring" Boromir?

lol...........u know boromir would have made a better "steward" than denethor...............but as for being a king i dunno.

And its not king aragorn..........its King Elessar.................get it right

spydar, although your little post showed your stupidity, i still thought it was rather funny, thanks for the humor :-)

doesn't anyone like faramir?

that's a hilarious article. The pictures of gandalf pimping is great.

hahahahahaa ;-)

Yeah too bad spydizzo didn't write it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

its raining halflings, orcs and elves!

omg me too!!!

heres the link if you havn't seen it:
http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/film/50reasons.html

Your reasons for not liking LotR make me sick. None of them have anything to do with the movie at all, just general bulls**t that conformed to your shallow interests.

As a die-hard LotR fan(movies and books), you make me just want to disembowl your mother and feed your shriveled head to your girlfriend (a likely non-existent person)

My insticntive hatred has passed, and now I'm able to see the humor in it all.

Sorry, I have an unpredictable temper

The stuff that this guy comes up with is laughably stupid

Oh, Orlineli...whatever your bloody name is , I will say one thing: Spydar is anything but stupid. Hilarious? Yes. Stupid? Far from it.

Spydar didn't write it.

i was just kidding, TAKE A JOKE!

what he wrote was halarious

geez

I KNOW he didn't write it, but I have read quite a few of his posts in The Matrix section and he DID write those Anyhow, it had me laughing :P

Thanks I forgot the link again
Its really painful to read that... also the one about the Matrix films

Again, sorry. I can get really hot-headed, I know. And over the stupidest things. So just leave me alone to my feelings of self-pity

The stuff on thsoe lists are pretty stupid though. But yeah, they are pretty funny

Am I talking to too much?

No you arent that what a forum is used for... talking...
however it's easier for us if you edit your post if you have something new to say instead of writing another million posts.

eh, hello, hehe, yeah that's from master of disguise, so anyway, i thought those were pretty stupid, some of 'em, didn't actually see any humor in them, yeah, so that pointlesswasteoftime thing? that made my best friend really mad at me cause i was so upset over it and wouldn't shut up about how stupid that person was and she didn't talk to me for about three months. so yeah, i don't really have much respect for that person, not that i did in the first place, but anyway, yeah, i'll be quiet now

Welcome
lol

omg I was so angry when I read the text... "I've heard some students are even forced to read some novelization of the movie in their literature classes. Ridiculous"... "The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct"
X( X( X(

Mine's a tie between Aragorn and Legolas. Saruman's pretty cool too cuz he's evil

omg, the "50 reasons lotr sucks" was sooo stupid! was this person on drugs or something? lol
"The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter." um hello, lotr was written WAY b4 harry potter... and whats up w/ this one? "The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix." lol
haha i thought this one was funny..."Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?" and "Why couldn't Strider have been played by a monkey?" how sad...http://www.killermovies.com/forums/images/moresmilies/laughing.gif
yeah they were all so stupid. i had to laugh at the stupidity... i dont think this person even knew LOTR was a book before the movie... "the filmmakers of Return of the King already have the novelization out in paperback. I've seen it at Barnes & Noble already. As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it." and this quote too, "I've heard some students are even forced to read some novelization of the movie in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?" hello, it was a book way b4 it was a movie!
http://www.killermovies.com/forums/images/moresmilies/bangin.gif

the smiley expresses exactly what I think of these 50 reasons... all the other "reasons" are also as stupid as these "already a novelization"-one...

heres a reason or two not to watch TT
1.There is only one ringwraith
2.The one ringwraith isn't even on a horse
3.The ringwraith is only in the movie for about 10 seconds
4.Those 10 seconds pass to quickly
5.The ringwraith doesn't even kill Frodo!

lol these are only good reasons I ever heard

Heh....those are actually good reasons! RINGWRAITHS RULE!!!

yes they do

yeah, y didnt they show the ringwraiths more in TT?

you guys are so funny! thats thing was so weird, its all crap!

I love it

rrrite