DeNiro's Jokes

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this is a place where I will post about 4 to 5 jokes a day consisting of various type of jokes and u can rater them on a 1-10 on the funnyshito meter ok here is the first one. and so we know what joke u r rating write what the joke is about like this one is a bar joke so write bar joke thenr rate it

Bar joke

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender. bartender giv me 12 shots. bartender does and sets them infront of the man. The mna quickly downs 10 of them and the bar tender goes why the hell r u drinking so fast. and the man says u would be drinking fast also if u had what i had. and the bartender says what do u have? and the man says 75 cents.

Tired Hiker
I like that joke.

Bar joke 2

The FDA is considering [rinting additional warnings such as these on beer and alchol bottles.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make u think you are whispering when you are not

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may is a major factor in dancing like a jerk

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause casue you to tell the same boring story over and over again untill one of your friends wants to bash your head in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause u to thay shings like thish.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to belive that ur ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may casue you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/orname and/or gender you cant remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may creata the illusion that you are tougher, better looking, and smarter than some really really big guy named chuck

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem literally to disappear.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may actully cause pregnancy

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may

also noone post jokes on this thread unless u ask me first this is jsut a thread i have been meaning to do for a while and so thats the reason

bar joke 3

a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a white wine. The bar tender places the wine in front of the man he picks it up drinks half and throws the rest into the bar tenders face. The man starts to almost cry and says i am so sorry i am so embaressed i have this compulsion and i cant tell u how embaresing it is. The bar tender far from being mad says to the man that he should seek help and gives him a number of a shrink that he says is very good. The man thanks the bar tender gets up and walks out of the bar. 6 Months later the same man walks in asks for a white wine recives it drinks half and throws the rest into the bar tenders face. Bartender says he isnt helping you to much i can see as he whipes his face off. On the contrary the man says, he has done a world of help for me. the bar tender goes but u still threw the wine in my face. and the man says yes but it doesnt embarrass me anymore

laughing I love the Warning:Consuption of alcohol may cause pregnancy thats good

bar joke 4

A man went into a bar, already very, very, very, drunk, hardly able to stand up, and lsurring his words as he muttered to himself. At the bar, he called out , "hey, bartender! Gimmw a martini!"
"No, no," said the bartender. Youve had to much already.
The drunk spied a dart baord
Tell u what he said. If i can throw three bulls eyes with that dart set would u gimme a drink. Sure, said the bartender, certain the guy would leave after the lil game. He handed the drunk three darts and warned, Look out everbody!

Zot zot zot. The drunk threw three quick bulls eyes

The bartender in shock never seen ne one throw three bulls eyes let alone being drunk was amazing to him.. He makes a martini and sets a turtel next to it. The drunk says what the hell is that. the bartende exclaimed it is the prize for being such a good dart thrower. The drunk looks at the turtel then grabbs the martini throws it down in one gulp picks the turtel up puts it in his pocket and leaves.

The next night same drunk already drunk walks into the bar says Gimme a martini bartender says u already have been overserved go home.. The drunk eyes the dart board again and says how bout i throw three more bulls eyes will that prove i havent been over served. The bartneder thinking this guy cant be that lucky again accepts the deal and givs him the darts. boom boom boom the drunk threw another three bulls eyes. The bartender amazed makes the martini and puts a turtel next to it the drunk says what the hell is this and the bartender says it is our prize for such fine dart throwing man drinks the martini picks up his turtel and leaves.

Next night drunk walks in again says bartender gimme a drink bar tender with out ne hasitation gives that darts to the man before he could even ask for them and boom the man throws all three darts at the same time and they all r bulls eyes. The bartender shocked makes the drink and places a rose next to the martini the drunk goes what the hell is this. the bar tender goes this is the prize for very speacil dart throwers the drunk then adds. OOO all out of of roast beefon hard roll huh??

bar joke 5

a man walks into the bar orders three beers walks over to a tabel starts drinking out of all three beers one at a time. he finishes them and orders three more the bartneder goes sir if u order just one at a time they will taste better because they go flat after a certain amount of time. the man explains that he has two brothers one leaves in america and one in australia and he is in dublin so they all promised eachother that they would drink like this to remember the times they drunk together.

the abr tender amused by the story says that is nice and givs him three more beers about a month late the man walks in and orders two beers. everyone in the bar stops looks over at the man with a sad expression on there faces because they all liked him and knew him the bartender givees the man two beers and says im so sorry about ur loss the man thinks to him self and then go oo no no no it is not what u think i just quite drinking

i dont get that one..

(the 4th one)

airplane joke

seven indicators that you have picked the wrong airliner

1. Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear.

2. upon closer inspection trendy desert-pastel paint job turns out to be a primer yellow and bondo pink

3. man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot.

4. Voice on PA. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the air craft while it is in motion.

5. Just before takeoff, the flight attendant offers, coffe, tea, or valium.

6. Air sickness bags are printed with the lords prayer

7. Pilot asks if anyone jas jumper cabels with them

the drunk thought that the turtel was roast beef on a hard roll that is why he asked the bartneder oo all out of raost beef on hard roll because he has been eating the turtels not that funny whern u got to explaint he jokes

science geeks

two sceince students where going to class and the one asked the other where he got the neato bike from the kid explains that a hot young coed jumped off the bike took all her cloths off and said "you can have any hing you want" the other geek says to the one with the bike good choice her cloths wouldnt fit u ne way i bet

a man was in a horrible accident wich left him very rich with a huge settlement for his loss wich was his ears had to be cut off and after time he gets very emotional about having no ears. so the man always intrested in going into bussiness decides to take his money to make a company but he has no clue of how to start one manage one or keep one up so he posts a ad in the paper asking for young intelligent colege graduates to be a vice president and help out with staring the company

so three applicants r waiting out side of his office the next day for interviews so the man brings in the first one and the interview goes great the young man is very smart and would make a good Vp so at the end of the interview the man asks ok for the last qeustion do u notice ne thing differnt about me. the young man hesitates for a second and says now that you mention it u dont have ne ears. the man gets furious throws him out of his office and taeks in the next applicant

everything goes even better then the first one and yet again the last qeustion was do u notice ne thing differnt about me and the kid says yea i just noticed u dont have ne ears. once again the man gets furious throws him out. so he takes the thris applicant

the kid walks in and the interview is better then the second one the kid is out stadning and he couldnt want ne one better. but at the end of the interview the man asks once again do u notice ne thing differnt about me and the kid looks for a sec and says
yeah you have contacts on. and the man smiles and goes wow ur observent how did u know that. and the kid starts to laugh and says. Well you cant wear glasses you dont have any ears.

1. Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says

2. Police begin campaign to run down jay walkers

3. Saftey experts say school bus passengers should be belted

4. Drunk get nine months in violin case

5. Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

6. Farmer bill dies in house

7. Iraqi head seeks arms

8. Is there a ring of debris around unranus?

9. stud tires out

10. Prostitutes appeal to pope.

11. Panada mating fails, Veterinarian takes over

12. Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

13.British left waffles on falklan islands

14. Lung cancer in women mushrooms

15. eye drops off shelf

16. teacher strikes idle kids

17. Regan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

18. Squad helps dog bite victim

19. shot off womans leg helps nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

21. Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

22. Miners refuse to work after death

23. juveile court to try shooting defendant

24. stolen paintin found by tree

25. Two soviet ships collide, one dies

26. two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

27. killer sentenced to die for second time in ten years

28. Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

29. Drunken drivers paid $1,000 in 84

30. war dims hope for peace

31. Man beats off jaguar with bear hands.

32. If strike isnt settels quickly it may last a while

33. cold wave linked to temperatures.

34. enfields couple slain, police suspect homicide

35. deer kill 17,000

36.typhoon rips through cemetry, hundreds dead

37. man struck by lighting faces battery charge

38. New study of obesity looks for bigger test group

39 Astronaut takes blame for gas in the spacecraft.

40. kids make nutritious snacks

41. Chef throws his heart into helping feed the needy

42. Arson suspect is held in massachusettes fire

43. British union finds dwarfs in short supply

44. Ban on solictiing dead in trotwood.

45. lansing residents can drop off trees.

46. local high school dropouts cut in half

47. New vaccine may contain rabies

48. man minus ear waives hearing

49. deaf college opens doors to hearing

50. Air head fired

noiw i actully wrote these out so be nice if u dont like them my favorite is number 31 i thought that was histericall

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