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ok ppl I know you havent heard from me in a long time but now I need your help.
guys,
us girls know you need affection the same way that we do but how can we interpret your moods and needs when the wrong signals are sent out and thoughts are kept under lock adn key?

my bf says that I dont give him enough attention or affection but I'm finding it hard to deal with when he keeps it under wraps for so long and then just explodes. last night I had a 2hr argument with him on the phone trying to dispher what exactly it is he wants from me. as it seems he wants me to be all over him like a nasty rash all the time.

I dont think he realise that I have other responsibilities like my familiy and my college work as well as my job. I try to give him all the free time I can manage and I try to make to the most of the time we have together but he still says its not enough. am I the one who is not bending or is it him?

I try to give him everything I have for as much as my time will allow and ok some times I'm not as accommodating of his needs as I could be but I try.

so to all the men on the boards and the woment too. can you pls help me?

yeah, we men seem to have an inability to talk about our feelings but if you know that he wants affection etc then ignore the moods/signals etc and give it - its what he wants.

its only since breaking up with my girlfriend that ive been able to talk about my feelings etc

Guys for the most part are stoic--I only share my feelings around people I know very well (and for the most part that ain't even my parents)

Erm....Ditto.

Externalising one's feeling is quite rare for men, for it is sometimes seen as a sign of weakness, and I don't think you can do much against that.

I can make some suggestions
1) Try and make it clear (but softly) that you are doing your best to share moments with him (and that the fact that you do something else doesn't call into question the affection you have for him) because if he thinks a relationship is based on a mutual constant affection/proximity to each other, there are no many things that can change his mind.
2) Try and organise a moment every week , an evening for instance, just for you two (with phones unplugged or off, not necessarily 20 friends nearby)...
3) This behavior might means that he has suffered from a lack of affection from someone else (at least from his point of view) and that now he doesn't want to lose you or he's just making up for that. The fact that he tells nothing and then he explodes might be related to other problems that he has (that make him angry or undermine him so that he tries to take refuge by your side)

NB : I'm neither Dr. Freud nor a psychologist, so please take these humble pieces of advice carefully (and above all the third one !)

Cheer up;

sorry to be the ass here, but if the guy says that you aren't spending enough time with him. That's a subtle hint that he probably isn't happy with the relationship, and that he's looking for an excuse to get out. I mean, what guy really complains about not hanging out with their girlfriend?

Everyone knows girls stick to you like a magnet once you're already taken by another. But when you're single...it seems that no one wants you.

I almost got to agree with Linkalicious about the subtle hint...guys for the most part are not dishonest, but when comes to being unhappy in a relationship, it's easier for a guy to deny what he's feeling or lack thereof by throwing it back at the other person as being not caring or spending enough time...

don't even bother trying to please him because all it does is feed his ego and makes you feel like you're not doing enough...if he has to raise his voice or argue with you, all that does is steer YOU away from the real reasons he's acting that way and place blame on YOU...

believe me...i've done it enough times and it ain't pretty...good luck

me and my optimism...

Maybe he is jealous. If you talk to him about your other responsobilities too much he probably feels like he's the last thing you care about. When you're with him talk more about you two; not about the things you were doing while you weren't together

well maybe like most guys, he doesn't know HOW to express what he's feeling. guys aren't known for being able to verbally communicate with the opposite sex. so if you really care about this person and want to continue in a relationship, i'd say set a time aside where u sit down face to face (not over the phone), and calmly discuss how to communicate. try to stay away from the "well you don't do this or that, or say this or that", cause that immediately puts the other person on the defensive and that never accomplishes anything.

each person has a love language, or a way of expressing their feelings. they are through quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. of those five it's important to understand which of those are your love languages are and whic his are. once u understand that, you can move on to talking about how YOU can do better at communicating with his love languages, and visa versa.

and remember, please, please be patient with us guys, we're not used to this kind of communication, but it's the best thing for your relationship. hope this helps.....

if your giving him all the time u can, and he still wants more...maybe its time to think about whether its the right relationship? because hate to sound like a **** here, but if he know u cant get more time off and he still asks for more, it sounds like an excuse :/


sorry if that wasnt wat u wanted to hear

screw the magnet bit

Well, i wouldn't know how other guys fel, caus I'm sortah Bisexual (I'll probably get alotta shit for that) and *very* camp, So I'd better off it it were the other way around >_>

Get a lot of shit for that? Ofc not

Eheh, I'll presume that wasn't sarcasm,

And when you've been around Brathewaite, Keighley , you *know* what shit is.


Because alot of it's stuck to your Lonsdales.

Sarcasm?
*points to yerss*
You can get tons of sarcasm from him, not from me no2

Heh, I like getting steaming piles of sarcasm, it's something to get your nails into



Aw man, people'd kill for that banana at school

Hey Lara, nice to see you around again.

Anyhoo, the guy sounds like a sap. He shouldn't put so much pressure on you for your time, he should respect your other responsibilities and be thankful for the time you do get to spend together.

hey mech! hows life?
thanks guys its just nice to get a view from the other side of the fence from time to time and all of you have helped not matter how conflicting your opinions are. my guess is he's higher maintenance than what i first thought. I'm just playing it out at the moment and see how it goes. I wont put six months down the u-bend if I dont have to. thanks.

I agree with several of the points I've read above;
Males are starange creatures, and ity is hard for us to understand the way our emotions work ourselves. Personally, I think that a lot of the problems come from the fact that we are still in a subtle transition between males being the hunter/provider of the species and being caring, 'in-touch-with-their-emotions-' creatures.

I agree with several of the points I've read above;
Males are starange creatures, and ity is hard for us to understand the way our emotions work ourselves. Personally, I think that a lot of the problems come from the fact that we are still in a subtle transition between males being the hunter/provider of the species and being caring, 'in-touch-with-their-emotions-' creatures.
However, the fact that he is complaining of not receiving enough attention pretty much boils down to two things in my eyes:

A) He is still of an age ie a maximum of about 17 whereby the most important, if not sole thing, for him in a relationship is sex. If he is still at this sort of age, the chances are he just wants more sex, and if this is true then it's not worth wasting your time on him.

B) If he is an older guy, it probably does mean that he is looking to break up the relationship, as he feels it's coming to a head, he has seen someone else etc etc.

The reason I say this is because males very rarely tend to express discontent in a relationship in this way. We all know that once you have a girlfriend, she is worth holding onto with all your strength, as it is much harder for a bloke to find love than it is a woman, and a bloke wouldn't start coming out with complaints like this.

Anyway, I haven't particularly strucured my above thoughts very well as I'm in a bit of a rush, but I hope you get the gist of it anyway.

John

Dump him. You're too young to know anything about lifelong relationships. Unless you're planning on getting married at 17....which has a promising future, I'm sure....

Lara, if he truly loves you you should be able to talk to him about this and he should undrestand and respect that you cannot spend all your time with him, there are others in your life.

Lara, this guy needs to respect your needs, also. If you're busy all the time, he should cherish the limited time he has with and not spend that time complaining about the limitations. He seems very selfish to me. You said he's mature for his age, but he sounds pretty immature getting mad at you for not putting him over everything else in your life. Sit him down and ask him point blank what he wants in the relationship. Tell him what you're able to give and what you want from him. Things may work out, they may not. Either way, you'll be much happier.

ok ok...yes yes we are overanalizing this....im a guy..and yes guys DO have trouble with the whole "emotional" bit..but its not that we dont like to talk about it,,its just hard for us to start to talk about it.....I'm 18 and let me tell you, for a guy, telling a girl how he REALLY feels is incredibly difficult..im not sure why...I think it makes us feel vanurable, and well, weak....and i know personally how obsured this is......but its the way that men think....the problem between men and women is that women take things way too seriously (meaning certin responces, comments exc.)..where as men take things too easily, meaning that a man may say something to a women and she will take it too seriously and overanalize it, thus coming out with a different inturpurtation of what he said origionally..its the thought process that are the problem between men and women...this is a branch of the socilogical theroy called "conflict theroy"..it has been proven....

men DO have emotions but keep them bottled up, espicially the ones that they think are small and irelivent, where women are open with all thier emotions, even the ones that men find are irrelivent....in your case...U need to start the conversation with him...u make the forst move to get him to tell you...because this is a rule that i think that all women should know...

"if it seems like there is something wrong with a guy that u know, but he hasent said anything to you himself, then its something that he feels would make him feel weak or varnuable to say, even though he wants to talk about it as much as you do, in this case its up to u (the women) to start the conversation"

and the women can say things like "u both have to tell ur partner what u want" and all that crap, but im telling you that things are not that ideal, so if a guy is being like u said hes being, and hes not telling you himself, the U have to start the conversation, cause thats the only way ur going to find out.....

lara> i'm assuming that you are around the age of eighteen, correct? i know at this point, this seems like the most important issue in your life. i do not mean to totally disregard your emotions and feelings, but in the grand scheme of things, this is merely a speedbump in a lifetime of relationships. overall, i wouldn't worry too much about this, and concentrate on bettering yourself (i.e. education and personal growth) and bringing yourself happiness before trying to please someone else.

on a personal note, i made promise to myself that i would not marry prior to the age of 25. i'm glad that i did, because i am now married to the most intelligent, mature, beautiful woman that i have ever met. i shudder when i stop to think of the different women i dated when i was a teenager and early twentysomething, and consider what if....

you're still young in a world full of people, ideas, and experiences. seize the opportunity while you are still young, take advantage of all that is offered to you, and build a self-confident mature mental foundation in order to live out your precious life.

"take your time and do it right"

madsci

thankyou for your help guys. as confuseing as you are, no offence!
but my bf is being really good to me at the moment. all advice taken , noted and ready for future reference. thanks again, much appreciated.

Damn! I didn't get my advice in. Oh well, you wouldn't have liked it...

Life's good Lara, thanks for asking.

Just one last thought on this though...

When I was 18 and wasn't getting to see Mrs.MM as much as I wanted, I went mad on extra driving lessons so I could pass my test quicker. She lived over an hours bus journey away; but when I did pass, we got loads of extra time together. A mech's gotta do whatta mech's gotta do...

your right Ush I wont have liked it.

yeah mech, gizmo is trying to get his licence sorted asap. as far as evry thing else goes Im going away down to his mums with him in a couple of weeks which should make him happier.

Gizmo?

as in gremlins.

Why do you call him it though? Does he multply when you drop water on him?

Guys tend to recoil under tensile pressure. When u ladies r kinda being smooth and understanding it's like u're forcing us to come to some form of decision. Making any kinda decision<which is followed by ACTIOn> is stressful for a fella<well most i know anyway!>
We tend to draw away from ASB<attention seeking behavior> when we reach our late teens. There is all sorts of shit and dark morbid thoughts suppressed in our subconcious. U mean need to understand that when a guy is talkin to another guy AS IN talkin' especially beyond the age of 18 he's not talkin at all.He's just tapping tatoos in his skull b-coz when u're a guy u want to be careful not say the wrong thing and come off as sentimental or weak<believe it>
It's not being insecure it's just when it all boils down to the hardcore truth we guys have a hareder time growing up than u ladies so do not i repeat do not be surprised if we tend to out come as immature or extremely insensitive.
U women open your mouths to stress a point or feel some form of vibe or high. guy aint sayin' anythin' till u touch his persona!
I hope dat kinda gives a different perspective on things.
It's the communication thing a guy is looking for the bigger better DEAL!
The girl wants to soak up her warmth and comfort in his admiration.
When u're a guy above the age of say 20 the last thing u want is to be admired or be some role model. U want to take it easy analyse the situation and sort of make an unforced decision as best as u can. With women that's seems cowrdly!
Geez i don't know How i could piu it better.
Guys do not talk that much as they get older they just echo you own thoughts so try to be a bit more forward and subtle in your projections towards HIM I'm sure u'll find it a lil more rewarding.

Do not try tp pinpoint the problem<it's never really THERE> just express urself as explicitly(that is deeply NOT emotionally coarse or vulgar) and u'll Get the attention u deserve.
We r spolied by our mothers or motherly figures when we're young. This is first impulse we learn to resist drawing unnecessary ATTENTION!
Do not mother the brother just be sociable in polite kind of way GET HIM to open more about his personal interests especially when HE's not with YOU!
Worst fear for a guy is not being a fool or look silly.
It's comin' out absurd with someone he's emotionally involved with.
The way a guy trains himself to think is territorial he wants to be unique and compared to some other GUY!
It really is not fair to toss your xcess emotinal baggae at a man who is not particularly interested in rewiring his thinkin'.
For guys when it's over it's over.
Women tend to carry emotional baggage from anything work,play,sisters,funerals,magazines. health clubs.
U gals can be intersestin' really but for guys the first impression cuts the deepest!
Recently my mother was very annoyed when i refused to talk about how the death of my brother had afected me. He's the second one to die in our family. As afr as i was concened it was a passing pahase HELL i'd been thru it before wht relive and OBSESS over it!
She was extremely very unahmed to accuse me of being uncaring and not in the least remoseful for my broter<UTTERLY AMAZING!I woz even closer to him than her!>
LADIES i repeat we guys do not talk much about nothin in PARTICULAR!
We tend to BORED and very BORING easily I'M sorry to say coz till we redefine ouselves life just loses meaning for US after we spiritually step out of the womb.
That's when a man wants to remaster his nature SO just give his time and space it's territorial and personal xperience for him BUt if you listen to ME u'll be amply rewarded.
All u'll end up doing is cuttin' this thing off and carrying that excess emotional baggage into the next guyz way AND trst me HE'LL BE more territorial seemingly obnoxious and frustrating COZ when it's tensile stress or strain a man wants to think things THRU!
GOOD DAY!

Just try harder to communicate he's just being a typical human-male the trick is to get him to really like you and appreciate for what u are. Do not simulate your maternal instincts onto him he'll just savve he's ego but sooner or later he'll want to move onto something new.
Women are basically the same to any guy the trick is to amster what appeals to his basic nature. guys can be extremely sensitive if you hook 'em right!
DO not force him to make untimely decisions we guyz only learn to apprecitae good things or friends afetr say 5 yeras. Loneliness is not mus of a bother for us<few i know anyway>
U're pretty cool tryn to figure him out but just BE PATIENT!
U'll get your guy!
Nothing makes a guy feel better than coming home to people who appreciate him for who and what he is at that moment NOT the past AND not WHO HE MIGHT BE! Just for who he is a growing-up immature AND insensitive prick<SO GO GET YOUR MAN!>

now THAT was very interesting. I'm a patient person anyway and my guy can be trying at the best of times. so your saying that I should corner him (not tat I do that anyway cause I dont think thats polite anyway.) and just work on our common ground. give him that space he wants and let hi do his thing?

Let me help you out,


tell him your trying your best you can and try to fit him in In your busy schedual

I have. I've just got back from a 5day break with him down at his mums in kent. he seems a bit happier.

Hmmm, so what did you do to him to make him happier

Errr... frankly, I don't actually agree with a single thing Ninjamaster said, I think... it is certainly too broad. Guys, like anyone, are incredibly variable.

I am pretty sure this is just the way things go, Lara. There's no magic solution.

not implying that there is ush. and corran...

Well... it just seemed that this was turning into an 'identify problem/give definitive advice' thread, which I doubt is relevant.

I can probably only say nauseatingly cliched things- just carry on being yourself, don't try and mould yourself to what he wants, appreciate there are good times as well as bad, be forgiving but don't be abused...

Gosh, I feel nauseous.

can someone paraphrase what Ninja said....i got 3 lines in and stop reading after i read the word morbid....

you didnt have to post in here ush if it really makes you feel that sick. I was only asking for oppinions and insight from a the male population. thats all nothing more nothing less. but things are weird at them moment. thankyou for oppinion ush.

I must admit, the presentation kinda affected my reading of it too.

Oh, anything to help you, Lara...

its not paragraphed and is so not easy on the eyes but thats not the point of this thread and think maybe its time this got closed anyhow unless some one else has an oppinion to express to me?

Lara, what, what did I do

pm me and find out!

you know I listen to what you have to say ush.

see I told you It work