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Alright so lately i've been religiously listening to Immortal Technique (well at least Revolutionary Volume 2 which i bought) and well he's a great rapper, and he raps about political issues which i've always been interested in and been opininated about. And so he inspired me to just start rapping about these things, and so i'm just starting out with this and i hope people think this is pretty good, but yeah this needs a little work with the flow, took me 30 minutes to create so it's not perfect...and i took 1 line from an Immortal Technique Song intentionally because i think it works perfectly with the content of the song and especially at the point in which i placed it...i have a little side note giving technique credit after the line....already here it is...comment would be appreciated.

p.s. also the rap named i decided on is "Obnox" based off of Immortal
Technique's song "Obnoxious" and i chose it because i think it describes me well, cause when i wanna be obnoxious i can really do it. And again Total Props to Immortal Technique for inspiring me.



Title: Coming Up
Artist: 113/obNox


Verse1:
ObNOX is your free-thought analyst
Enron Political stocks parallysis
I Collect the states themes in my pockets
I knock it, but today they're down on the stock tips
Arrogant, no money left after one round
Bias cops protect white people in the rich towns
Flatbush cops are like tumbleweed, not making a sound
And i'll be here, trying to fend for my own pounds
Like my neighborhood, while the drug busts going down
Obnox is here and i'll deny what i did
Rumors get around, like paris hilton on candids
Some told me i was too nice to achieve the dream
Lost time disbelieving, but now i'ma microphone fiend
I'm nice wit it, i can spit like no other kid
Only 16, preaching bout political things
You like my rhymes, i get from blackland look!
Closer than you think, in the heart of the brooklyn nook

Chorus:
Some niggas out there are dying
Left behind, trying to figure out there life and
They used to getting beaten down, stealin' and lyin'
But now they coming up, using rap as a guide

Some niggas out there are dying
Left behind, thinking they forever immortal
Could it be the result of a selfish society
Or are these niggas just thug wannabes?


Verse2:
I ain't tryin' to be hardcore, cause i'm not
Never seen nobody get shot, but i got drug busts on my block
I say it, like society situational reasoning is
Niggas need an education or they won't get picked
They can make a rap career, start it like me
I'm not saying im the greatest rapper like Eric B. and Rakim
I wanna make money, like any nigga in the scene
Lift up the children, let a kid dream
In my day things like these were imaginery
You'll find support, friends and family.
Tow it away, $200 dollars not gettin a break
Pass it around, smoke your weed and your life away
Successfully, i'll become a beacon of hope
For the millions of kids, who got parents who broke
They don't say nothin, too embarassed to teach lessons
The failure of their life's greatest ambition<-{props to Immortal Tech}
Wishing, listing, fisting your way through the streets
You're missing the ride, you got no bump to your beats.
Nigga i'm done playin with you, telling the truth, beating around this bush
You want me to catch you a fish?
Or do wanna shutup and learn how to do it.


Chorus:
Some niggas out there are dying
Left behind, trying to figure out there life and
They used to getting beaten down, stealin' and lyin'
But now they coming up, using rap as a guide

Some niggas out there are dying
Left behind, thinking they forever immortal
Could it be the result of a selffish society
Or are these niggas just thug wannabes?

Verse3:
So i spent my life kid, behind all da others kid
Now i'm hearing, what i deserve to be gettin kid
Since 2003 nobody likes to rush these things, i accelerate these lines
One hundred fifty-five degrees
Lines that'll make you faint-headed trying to think it up
Like calculator mathematics when you're messed up drunk
I keep this on pace, never stray off this race
Never far from topic, i stick to my base
I tighten my shoes, tie up my lace
Walk with my head tall, so i confront with my face
You'd never believe, look how i came out
Respectful, i got my boys and nobody comes through my house
Like the red sox curse, they round third and they out
I getz this anger when niggas look at me with doubt
I'm done, i'm finished, i'm over before i even began
Nah nigga, that's not how it works, i get a full chance
Just like you, you can make it if you want to
But don't forget where you came from or your roots.

I think it's great that he's inspired you. So many hip-hop artists have done the exact same for me. It's really a beautiful thing. I have fun writing in my rhyme book. Just like poetry. You get to vent, and be as creative as you like.

As for your lyrics, they're very solid. Especially since you're just getting started. Continue on and have fun. I hope the more you listen to hip-hop, the more you'll get inspired, and the more you'll want to write.

Cheers.

yo thanks, i really didn't think they were solid though, i'm glad to hear someone thinks so. It needs a lot of work, but by the time i'm done revising i think i'tll be something i can like show off, hopefully i'll turn some heads. I have a few more lyrics i've come up with, which i'll posts like periodically for people on kmc to see if they want. Anyway, thanks later.

It's solid, because that was your first time. Usually, people are just horrible. You have a lot to build on.

I definately think your getting somewhere. Those are some pretty sweet lyrics. Especially for your first time.

I guess writing is writing. that is good that you found somthing to inspire you to collect your thoughts in a rythmic form. Envoking thought and embracing it are two different things. I am not shitting on your writings,but it seems all your doing is complaining.

B-B-But he's repping Brooklyn.

Pretty damn good for your first time

THanks everyone for the suggestions...and rage yeah i'm kinda of worried about coming off as like whining....i mean part of the songs purpose is showing my anger, frustration...so yeah i wanna complain, but i don't wanna overdo it. So yeah thanks for the lookout.

Can anyone else tell me anymore ways i could improve this? I'd really appreciate it

just figure out the main thought you want to express. Then try and form your complaints,grivences and opinions into lagitament points that support your main thought. this might help you wade through all the annoyances and disheartning facts that inspire you to write in the first place. find the ones that hold substance rather than ones that are just heated thoughts. What best shapes your thought's into a presence. you seem to be able to transfer your thoughts well, now you just need to work on articulating them. Sems like you have real aspiration in writing, so the best way to get better is to always write.