enyafreak
THE TWO TOWERS
CARADHRAS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.
RIDDERMARK
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
FANGORN FOREST
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.
FANGORN FOREST (next day)
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!
ITHILIEN
SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
SAM: What? He IS a freak.
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?
SAM: Why are you picking on me?
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know.
SAM: What the HELL?
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing...
FRODO: Oh, spare me.
FRODO stomps off.
CARADHRAS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner.
RIDDERMARK
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
FANGORN FOREST
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.
FANGORN FOREST (next day)
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!
ITHILIEN
SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
SAM: What? He IS a freak.
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?
SAM: Why are you picking on me?
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know.
SAM: What the HELL?
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing...
FRODO: Oh, spare me.
FRODO stomps off.