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A question.

What do you do when you think your partner is hiding something important from you but the manner in which out that they might be, is shady and a bit devious?

This is how the story goes:

My girl has been somewhat short with me as of late, I dunno why. I thought something was going on but I didn't wanna jump to any conclusions. I checked her email, something that I shouldn't have done but I did. I found a dubious email in her sent box. It neither denies or confirms any shady goings on but I wonder what is happening.

Now if I come out and say "I found this in your sent box", she'll either be pissed that I went in there anyway, especially if it's nothing. But if it DOES turn out to be something, will what I have done, be justified?

-AC

IMO, yes... though she won't appreciate the invasion of her privacy. but before you tell her so, make sure that you have something solid. go dick tracy on her. put a voice activated tape recorder on your phone. my advice, don't get caught yourself... then the bullsh!t will be knee deep.

I think that whatever you think might happen when telling her about something suspicious you found in her sent messages box - take it and make it tem times more negative.

And if it were nothing, she would ask you the same thing I am going to ask you. Do you trust her?

She isnt going to be level with you if something shady is going on... your going to need to trust your judge of character and your knowledge of how she acts and try tell if shes squirming under that kind of question... or more likely an angry response. If you do bring the email up to her, it could end things really easy if that conversation doesnt go smooth.

If you don't trust her, for whatever reason, I think it is a bad sign of where things are heading. If you dont trust her and there is a reason, like something else going on that you read about in an email, or if there is nothing going on, but still find yourself not trusting her, you need to figure that out.

On the other hand, if things arent straight between you two now... maybe you should just find out whether your suspicions are correct. If there was something shady going on with my girl and it say involved another dude... there would be issues. Me and the girl would be done, over, the issues would be how i would beat the dudes ass so he wont forget it.

The thing is, we had a big talk about where things were heading a while ago and she said that he ex emailed her and told her he still loves her. She admitted to caring for him but said she doesn't wanna be with him or want anything from him.

She also has been cheated on and it sent her into deep depression. So she said she would never cheat, I dunno. It's weird.

Thanks you two. Anymore thoughts?

-AC

I think you should discuss whatever concerns you have with her without mentioning the email thing. Just tell her that you are concerned with the way she's been acting and blah blah. If she continues being on the rag with you after you voice your concerns, or is offended or upset over said concerns, then break up with her.

Ah... I had one of those girlfriends. She had one of those "still friends" exboyfriends... and had trouble with guys in the past. She was going to her cousins wedding "with a friend from home"... found out later it was that ex boyfriend.

We dont go out anymore.

That thing about her telling you about the exboyfriend letter he sent her was weird though... I think. I think you need to do what Backfire said though.

-TC

the thing is she did tell you about that..and didn't have to..to me thats sounds like she's being straight with you.

maybe after she told you that you went into paranoia mode.

my advice..don't bring that e-mail to the surface 'cause she's gonna feel she can't tell you anything because you'll immediately suspect her.

besides how would you feel if she was snooping around in your private stuff?

The thing telling you about that letter was weird dude... i dunno.

Well, I wouldn't know shit about this. My ex-girlfriend cheated on her boyfriend...with me.

Contrary to popular belief, the man doesn't always seduce the woman into cheating on her boyfriend. In my case, it was the other way around. I never knew she had a boyfriend, until after she didn't want to see me anymore.

On topic: Basically what Backfire said to do is the safe way to go.

Yeah. Was it "Look, if anything was happening, would I be honest?" sort of reverse psychology thing, or was it genuine.

I mean, she did say to me, "There's no conceivable reason why I would cheat on you. A) I love you, with all my heart. B) It's not like you're not pleasing me physically coz you are. C) You do all the loving things I need. I don't need or want anything from anyone else."

She was recently away on a trip, genuine, with her work. It was where he lives or near by. So I asked her and she said "Look, I miss you so much and if I wanted to go and be physically loved and touch and cared for by a guy that still loves me. I could. But I'm not."

So that was another one.

It's weird. On one hand she knows how I truly and utterly depressed and devestated I'd be if she cheated, coz she's been on the receiving end before. So I think "No way she'd put me through that." But then I think "That's only if she chose to tell me." Which I think she would. Although if something happened and it was one off I dunno.

"maybe after she told you that you went into paranoia mode."

I did, I will admit that 100%. As soon as she told me that I thought "Well will care turn to love?", "Is there something she's not telling me?" etc.

-AC

Shit like this makes me remember why I CHOOSE to be single.

Sorry to hear about this shit going on, you shouldnt have to deal with shit like that while in a relationship.

Good luck.

-TC

Update:

She went to dinner with "her mother", I said call me when you get home. She said ok. This was about 7pm English time on the 6th. She hasn't called me since.

-AC

call her up. ask her what's the deal... in a nice way of course.

As Tom Leykis would say - Dump that *****.

Seriously, talk to her about this, something is not right.

Ok when you say parnter do you mean as in wife?If it is your wife I would say "We have to have a talk" and go on with saying "Something like, I had always been honest with you and now I want you to be honest with me"
See if that would help.Maybe she will tell you what is going on.Hope it works out ok for you and your wife.JM

Thank you for all your help, it means the most to me.

Sadly, I couldn't stop what seemed to be inevitable. She has left me, for someone else, I don't know. But she has.

Again, thank you all for your help.

-AC

You are welcome.And don't worry you will find someone else.I know you will.Keep on smiling!You are too good for her.Keep telling yourself that and it might make you feel alot better!
Also she is a jerk for leaving you.JM Pm me if you just wanna chat ok?

I do appreciate your words.

But this is slightly deeper than "She's a jerk" and "You'll find someone better."

Doesn't exactly provide major comfort at the end of a 3 year loving relationship.

Thank you though, genuinely.

I'm just in that "I don't have anything to live for" major depression at the moment. Also happens to be true, which adds to it.

-AC

Just confront her about your suspicions. If somthing is going on, and she tells you the truth then maybe you two can fix the problem. This way if there is somthing going on, you would have found out by a heartfelt confession. If she says nothing is going on and you find out, then you will have found out more about your partner than you knew. you would have found out that she lies and broke your trust. If you just keep sneaking around behind her back without telling her, and somthing is going on. You would have no grounds to question her trust. Trust is everything in a relationship. You should value it, i'm not saying you are not, but maybe you should just confront her, and if she says nothing is going on, give her the benefit of the doubt. This situation can tear you apart, by trying to find out what is going on secratively

Thanks Rage.

But your help is too late.

Thank you anyway though. Again, thank you to everyone.

-AC

I'm sorry to here this AC.

3 years? That's as long as my prior relationship, and wouldn't you know it, she left me for someone else too. So I pretty much know what you're going through.

I'd like to tell you that it will be easy to get over, but that's not true. It's going to take a long time to get back into your life. However, good can come from this. Take this as an opportunity to get back in tune with yourself, learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself. In the end, you WILL be stronger because of it, and one day, you will look back on this day and laugh, because things will be so much better in the future.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you Backfire.

-AC

dude, that sucks. well, brush off your shoulders and get right back into the sh!t. don't wallow in your sorrows too long. i totally know how you feel...

ac, i'm so sorry, i really am, i try to do everything to make my gf happy, and it scares the shit outta me to think she may leave me. ive had my heart broken before though, i feel your pain, i do.

but if it was meant to be she'd still be with you, at least remember that. when i had my heart broken i thought id never recover, but i did, and now i have someone ten times better than the last.

sorry man, i diddnt read through all of the posts. That really is a shock blow. Try your best not to despair on it to much though man. Despair is even harder to get over than what drove you to despairing in the first place.

I appreciate all your words, I truly do. You see, despite my nature of debate, Alpha Centauri is actually human.

I appreciate everyone's words. But it really is too late to not despair, I'm already deep into it.

She didn't leave me for someone else I now know, but she does love me. She said that, she just doesn't feel it's gonna work with the distance always there. It makes her too sad to be apart from me.

So there it is. I feel like everything I have, my life, just hit a brick wall and wont be getting around it any time soon.

-AC

yes you will... I had this 4 yr relationship - and when me and my (ex) bf broke up I couldn't imagine life would be good again - I was so sad ... cried all the time and didnt eat.. but after some time it was ok-- I look back now and just laugh at myself (he is such a dumbass) and all that happened--

I know thats hard to see now ... you will be fine...

if it is meant to be (with her) it will be

sorry -- feel bad for ya .. I know (Im sure lots of ppl here) know how you are feeling right now

You obviously have trust issues if you checked her Emails, that's no a good grounding for a relationship; if you are concerned about whether you can trust her or not this will put a strain on the relationship; you need to voice whatever concerns you have without mentioning the Email checking - if you do not then you may never get to the bottom of it.

Well she came back to me upset asking for me to forgive her.

As much as I want to I dunno if I can. I love her but I just dunno if I can deal with it.

-AC

difficult situation AC, you two need to sit down and talk things over , but most of all YOU NEED to sort OUT YOUR OWN FEELINGS and that you have to do alone......and you need some time to do so, it aint done in a day or two

alpha, it just sounds like shes depressed because of the distance, i know because i'm in the exact same situation. LOng distance relationships are so difficult, but both of you have gotta just hang in there. it will work out eventually, just keep telling her that.

it honestly sounds like she just panicked, if you love each other then give her another chance, you'll regret it if you don't.