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i couldn't find the origional threads so i made up this page.








Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

rogue938 ceases to amuse me

50 Fun Things In The Elevator
1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7.Shave.

8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14.One word: Flatulence!

15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16.Do Tai Chi exercises.

17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20.Meow occasionally.

21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29.Leave a box between the doors.

30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32.Start a sing-along.

33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34.Play the accordion.

35.Shadow box.

36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37.Lean against the button panel.

38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41.Bring a chair along.

42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43.Blow spit bubbles.

44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH

Little Unknown Facts
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Did you know that if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee? (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

(Hang on to your hat on this one) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig but I would like to know how they discovered this, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (That's why Flipper was always smiling!) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine....and why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy and you just thought they were tough to kill)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What's for dinn....) (I hope no one told them about the pigs)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (That's great but in my next life, I still want to be a pig: quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is ............... Lucky pigs.