ladygrim
secret diary of king theoden
Day One
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute
Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety
minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one,
so do hope minion arrives on time.
Day Two
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then
again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like
Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with
Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and
youthful.
Day Three
Is that a grey hair?
Day Four
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead
resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite
smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her -
pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Day Six
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my
new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him
from Rohan for whining.
Day Seven
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so
alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed
vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Day Eight
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf
no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked
bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp.
Obviously, need better screening process.
Day Ten
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff,
thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day Eleven
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently,
absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved
by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected
him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he.
Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Day Thirteen
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my
favorite horse.
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Day Sixteen
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable
Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most
attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on
him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one
who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?
Day One
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute
Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety
minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one,
so do hope minion arrives on time.
Day Two
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then
again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like
Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with
Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and
youthful.
Day Three
Is that a grey hair?
Day Four
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead
resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite
smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her -
pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Day Six
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my
new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him
from Rohan for whining.
Day Seven
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so
alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed
vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Day Eight
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf
no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked
bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp.
Obviously, need better screening process.
Day Ten
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff,
thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day Eleven
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently,
absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved
by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected
him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he.
Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Day Thirteen
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my
favorite horse.
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Day Sixteen
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable
Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most
attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on
him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one
who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?