Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.

Scroll 1: Beginnings

Tokyo, Japan, 1999; The Summertime: kids laughing, birds chirping... the school bell has finally rang, and all the kids let out a big cheer. I am Sukito, age 11. But then I stop and think: what am I cheering for? I am alot safer here than at home! I then got onto the city bus and decided to go to the woods on the edge of town and go exploring instead of going home. this was the biggest mistake I have made so far...When I got there, I tried to call home to tell my parents where I was. I took a look at my phone and on the screen it read: OUT OF SERVICE AREA. I then yelled, "SON OF A *****!" I was now even more pissed off because the bus had already left. So I decided to go exploring, like I had planned. After about an hour of exploring, I decided to take a break. I sat down on a stump and, thinking that there was a tree behind me to lean back on, I leaned back, right into nothing and fell into a pit. This is how it all began......

Tokyo, Japan, Present day; A high school classroom, full of students, on the last day of school. Both teachers and students eagerly await the last bell: students, so they can get back to their regular lives; teachers, just so they can get the hell out of there! Just then, a silent pause, then a giant cheer: the bell had finally rung! Some students ran out to their cars and sped off, some took the bus, some waited to get picked up, and the rest walked home. Mikae and Kikari ran out to Mikae's new BMW and raced off. They had been friends since about the age of 5. They were very happy, not just that school was out, but because they were going hiking together the very next day.

"Finally," Mikae thought, "today we go hiking in the woods." Little did they know that this would be a turning point in the free time in their lives... When they got there and out of the car, Mikae started to get chills. "Kikari?" Mikae started to ask, "Isn't this where that girl went missing?" Kikari thought for a couple of seconds and then said, " I think it is...Well let's get going.." After some time, they started to get tired...
"Let's take a break," Mikae said. "Okay," Kikari responded. so they sat down a couple yards away from a big hole that they saw. Then, all of the sudden, Kikari heard something. "Did you hear that?" she asked Mikae. "Hear what?" asked Mikae. Suddenly, they both heard it... Then another half-demon appeared, but this one was a half-wolf demon, instead of half-cat. "You're both coming with me," he said. He then saw the puzzled looks on Kikari and Mikae's faces. Then Kikari said, "Who the hell are you and why should we?" He then said,"I am Ryu-Koga and Irequire your assistance....."

Good start, the plot seems simple e'nuff.

Problem #1: No grammer or sentence structure. You must separate your thoughts into more coherent ideas. Do not bunch them all together or you will confuse your reader.

Problem #2: Sukito. You are speaking from the first person context. Are you male or female? Where do you go exploring? The reader must know this to make a visual in his or her mind for plot development.

Problem #3: Where is the school in Japan, Tokyo? There are a million schools; whether you make one up or decide to place your story in a real school, a location is necessary to establish a basis for your story.

Problem #4: Is your school public or private? Do the students wear uniforms or is it a civic school? And in what grade are your protagnists? Age is a necessary requirement for character development. If your characters are old e'nuff to drive, describe their height, what they look like, and age... for again, character development.

Problem #5: Where do your characters go to encounter Ryu-Koga? I'm envisioning a park area, but maybe you have another place in mind?






Take it from another writer. All these questions plus more must be clearly answered for a well thoughtout and defined story to interest the reader, otherwise you will loose your reader.

it's right in the story... read it over and you'll find it.