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Heheh. Love this joke:

The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman ?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Little shite, that's why I'm never having kids. That and the fact that I'd be a crap mum

Lol. Me too.

Now this is a joke

A guy walks into a real rough bar somewhere in Mexico. He hangs out, shoots some pool with a couple of low lifes, and after a while, walks up to the bar. He says to the barman:
''Hey you see that empty beer glass over there on that table? I bet you 300 bucks that I can piss into that beer glass from all the way over here, without spilling a single drop.''
The barman gives the guy a funny look, and says:
''Man, your on!''
So the guy whips his thing out, and takes a good long look at the glass. He takes careful aim, and lets fly. Guess what? He missed. He was pissing everywhere, all over the floor, the bar, up the walls even onto the barman himself. In fact, he pissed everywhere EXCEPT the glass. Well naturally, the barman starts killing himself laughing, turns to the guy and says:
''Yo, you owe me 300 bucks you idiot''
The guy does his fly up and says:
''I'll be right back.''
He walks over to the two guys he was playing pool with before, he says something to them, and they both hand him something. The guy walks back over to the bar, and slaps 300 dollars on the bar top with a grin. The barman looks at him suspiciously:
''What are you so happy about dumbass, you just lost 300 bucks!''
The guy turns and points at the two men by the pool table, and says:
''See those two guys? I bet them $500 EACH that I could piss on your floor, I could piss on your walls, I could piss on your bar, I could even piss on you, and not only would you not get mad, you'd be HAPPY about it.''

Watch Desperado

Heard that one before...still funny, though

jesus walks up to a barman, hands him 3 nails and says: "Could you put me up for the night"

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalotopis eek

liv

lickalotopus

unless theyre using the wrong hole

Why did the um . . . oh nevermind.