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Joke :


a pedofile dives up to a child and say's "i'll give you a sweet if you come in my car"

the child reply's "i'll cum in your mouth for the whole bag"

Three people are applying for the F.B.I.. Two men and one woman. They each do acceptable in the obstacle course and the testing, next comes the loyalty test. They bring in the two wives and the husband. They give them each a gun with blanks and tell them to kill the spouse. They each try but come out saying they can't. The girl goes in and they hear fires. Then a series of banging. She walks out all bloody and says" The gun was full of blanks so I had to use the chair."

JL omg

both were good

U messed up... at first u put Two men and 1 woman, then later there was 2 women and 1 man

good joke

no you just dont understand its like two men and two wives and the other woman applying has a husband

Ive heard both, the second onee is awesome!

what a weird joke

Sorry my typing is horrible.....jumpjumpjumpjumpjumpjumpjumpjumpjumpjumpYeah like Clavis said they bring the wives and the husbands of the people applying....

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

What's the worst thing about licking a bald pussy?

Puting the nappy on after

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."
"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

All jokes:hysterical

America has finally captured Saddam Hussein!
They sprayed a field with Viagra, and the prick stood up!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ROB hystericalhystericalhystericalhystericalhysterical
hystericalhystericalhystericalhystericalhysterical

Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you slap it.

hystericalhystericalhystericalhystericalhysterical
hystericalhystericalhystericalhystericalhysterical

lol

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!

What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?

Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

What's black and blue and hates sex?


A rape victim.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

now here's the best joke of all

I have a great personality

Fabian, you derogatory, offensive pig. Welcome back.

Thank you for the comment

and it's good to be back

What do blondes and vacuums have in common.........




they both suck,they both blow, and get laid in the closet

Those jokes are pretty funny!And they are the first time I heard them!LOL!JM

I have to admit I didn'T see the point in the vacuum one.

Pshh, why did the blonde jump off the mountain?

She thought the wings on her pad could fly! Ahaha.

i heard that one off of funny.com

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

**** that one is good

a blonde walks into a pawn shop and asks the man "sir, can i buy that television?" the man replies

"we don't sell to blonds." the next day she walks in with a red wig and asks the man again

"sir, can i buy that television?" the man replies

"we don't sell to blonds." the next day she dresses up like a man and asks him for a third time

"sir, can i buy that television?" the man replies

"we don't sell to blonds." she yells how does he know that she is a blonde woman, the man says "because thats not a television, thats an oven"

Tree guys die but have each done an equal amount of good and bad thing in their life. So they get to choose whether they want to go to hell or to heaven. So first they go to hell to see what it's like and their's a golf course and beer and babes all around, the three guys loved hell but thought they should go and see what heaven was like. So they went to heaven to see what it was like, and it was pretty and beautiful, but no golf course no beer no babes, so they decide they want to go to hell. When they get their it's all fiery and hellish, and the devil walks up to them and the three guys ask where the golf course and beer and babes wear, and the devil says, well that was just our campaign.

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells."

i thought that was supposed to be about a senator who went through all that. oh well. i think i should join in the festivities.

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Blondes dont screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
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What do you call five blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel.
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Why are blonde jokes so short?

So red-heads can remember them.
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An old man walked into the hospital to the receptionist and asks her if he could see the doctor. She asks him "What for?" He says "well my penis is broke." Receptionist hollars at him saying he shouldnt talk that way cause of embarrassment. Well he leaves and comes back, once again asking to see the doctor. She ask him again "What for?"
This time he says "My ears broke" She asks him how he knows this. Man replies "Cause i cant pee out of it.
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John and Bob are at a local town bar, drunk out of their minds. John tells Bob hes going home. Well Bob wants some more beer so he tells him go ahead he will see him tommorrow. About 5 miles down the rode a circus preformer is pulled over by the police and is questioned about his speed. The officer then notices knives in his back seat and asks him about that. The preformer tells him that he is trying to get on to the circus cause he is the knife juggler. Officer demands proof of this or he will place the preformer in jail for speeding. Well just about that time, John is passing in his car. He about runs off the road to get to the nearest payphone. He calls the bar and asks to speek to Bob. John says "Hey Bob, when you start to go home, dont take the interstate. They are giving a sobriety test aint no one gonna pass!!"

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick."
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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
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There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."
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There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

I have some....NOTE: SORRY IF THESE ARE OFFENSIVE. I DONT MAKE THE JOKES.

How does a blonde turn on a light after sex?
She opens the car door

whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster
one says "cock-a-dodle-doo" and the other says "any-cockle-do"

once upon a time there was a scottish man, english man and an irish man. They are walking along an endless desert and come across a lamp, they rump the lamp and a genie appears. They each get one wish each. The scottish man asks to be brought back ti his homeland where he can be with his family. The English man asked for the same - to be brought back to his homeland where he can raise a family.
The irish man began to say "well, i am quite lonely now, so can you wish back the scotsman and englishman back here"

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Two Irishman are playing a game of pool on holiday in their hotel. They have been playing for over 2 hours and haven't potted 1 single ball. This draws a crowd of spectators (some german, some english, some dutch ect). They are becoming quite embarassed at this and one Irish man turns to his opponent and says
"This is becoming rediculous, right for the next game we are going to have to cheat.
The other Irishman replied "How are we going to do that?"
The first man replied "we will take the triangle off"

-----------

You of out piss the taking is fu.cker clever some that realise you when time in point this at is it
CONFUSED?

Now read it backwards...

Those jokes are like statistics- they seem to support a certain "truth" but actually don't and IMO they MOCK the bullshit that some people would present, with a straight face, as fact... We're laughing because its irony- the punchlines describe an outcome/situation that is NOT what we would expect, NOT representational of our beliefs. It's that little shock of OMG WTF that is followed by laughter.
__OK, a warning that the joke might "triggor" for some people would have been a good thing. That was an unfortunate oversight on Fearnix's part.

mock people?....no way, thats not possibly what jokes are about

The rape victim joke just cracked me up.

What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.

Hilariouse

How can you light up a blonde's eyes?
You put a flashlight in her ears
____________________________________________
How can you tell if your food has gone bad?
When it starts dancing for you.
_____________________________________________
these are REAL:
Someone got a prepared meal from a store, which was packed in a plastic plate, wrapped with foil. On the bottom of the plate it said:
"DO NOT TURN OVER". Oops, too late
__________________________________________________
_____
A friend of mine told me that she had a neighbour who burned her mouth. Here's how:
She had a very close friend in the same area, who liked to exchange information with her (the two of them being old).
One day, this close friend gave her a recomendation regarding the 'white-ness' of the teeth. The friend said that she uses detergent to make her teeth white, and it miraculously works. Later that day, because she was such a good friend and all, this neighbour tried it. Of course, she ended up in a hospital, with severe burns around the mouth. She then called her friend to tell what has happened. The response might have been like this: "i dont have teeth, silly; they're artificial" (you kno those removable teeth that old ppl have)

How f*cked up is that ?

cool

you know you kind of turn me on when you talk like that

the first one is... delicious.

quote:
Originally posted by eggmayo
Fabian, you derogatory, offensive pig.





Hooha, hot boy-on-boy action!

You shoulda seen me and a few male friend's sleepover. Name's changed for safety reasons:

Danielle
Amanda
Jaime
Jessica
Ursula

REMINDER: THESE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED, AND ARE ALL MALE Homo sapiens.

Hey, was that second one Amanda Kissinhug? I know her!

Here is a joke I heard in my sign language with chimpanzees class:

A man is outside in his garden but he is having trouble finding his rake. He spots his wife who is inside and decides to ask her where it is. He points to his eye, then his knee, and finally signals rake with hand movements as if raking.
His wife sees him and responds by pointing to her eye, then her left breast, then to her butt, and finally points to her crotch.
The man gets confused and runs inside asking, "What the f*ck were you trying to say?"
She answered, "Eye--left ***--behind--the bush."

(Alright, I got one...)

It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "sh*t" when she accidentally gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommy, what does sh*t mean?"

The mother quickly replies, "Sh*t is just another word for makeup dear."

Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father.

The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "f*ck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what f*ck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey."

The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommy is upstairs putting sh*t on her face and daddy is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey..."

A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"
---------------------
Q. What's the difference between a cow and a cow with shoes one?

A. One of them is wearing SHOES!
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Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a car stuffed with lawyers?

A. A porcupine has pricks on the outside

droolio I know... i know

How can you get a one-armed blonde down from a tree?





Wave at her wavey

HAHAHHA marvelous

1: There's a man who has a parrot that always likes to curse, yell, and screech.

First, he tried to talk soothingly to it, but nevertheless... it kept cursing and yelling obscenities.

Then, the man got mad so he started yelling too. This just encouraged the parrot to curse and yell even louder than before.

Fed up, the man stuffs the parrot into the freezer. There's still a lot of cursing going on inside the freezer. He waits outside for a little while. Suddenly, there's silence. He opens the freezer to see what happened.

The parrot walks right onto his open hand and says "i am sorry for every trouble i've caused you, it was very impolite of me. I promise never to curse nor screech again."

The man, happy beyond belief, asks "Why this sudden change of attitude?"

The parrot slowly asks "do you mind telling me what happened to the turkey?"


2: A vampire bat comes flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parks himself on the ceiling of the cave.

Pretty soon all the other bats smell the blood and begin hassling him about where he got it.

He tells them to leave him alone, but they persist until he finally gives in.

"OK, OK. See that tree out there?" he asks, pointing through the mouth of the cave.

"Yes, yes, yes!", the bats all scream in a frenzy.

"Good"' says the first bat. "Because I didn't!"

I don't get it.

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar --a salt shaker, --a shot of Baileys --and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
He thinks - this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it...

in one second the sharp lime taste hits...
at two seconds the Baileys curdles...
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend. She smiles widely at him and says,




"So, how did you like it? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'

clapping

Not that I would know

But does it really taste like that?

I said I don't know schmoll

Wasn't directly aimed at you Kez