Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.

Quote sentences/quotes from the Discworld novels that you find amusing and/or Clever like:-

Death in Mort trying to help Mort feel more comfortable

'I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,' he said, 'BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.'

The world was blessedly free of honest men, and wonderfully free of people who believed they could tell the difference between an honest man and a crook.

Going Postal.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Equal Rites.

As Mort scrambled behind the ornate silver saddle Death leaned down and shook Lezek’s hand.

THANK YOU, he said.

‘He’s a good lad at heart,’ said Lezek. ‘A bit dreamy, that’s all. I suppose we were all young once.’

Death considered this.

NO, he said, I DON'T THINK SO.

Mort.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Wyrd Sisters.

Nanny kicked her red boots together idly.

‘Well, I suppose there’s no place like home,’ she said.

‘No,’ said Granny Weatherwax, still looking thoughtful. ‘No. There’s a billion places like home. But only one of ’em’s where you live.’

Witches Abroad.

‘I still don’t see how one god can be a hundred thunder gods. They all look different…’

‘False noses.’

‘What?’

‘And different voices. I happen to know Io’s got seventy different hammers. Not common knowledge, that. And it’s just the same with mother goddesses. There’s only one of ’em. She just got a lot of wigs and of course it’s amazing what you can do with a padded bra.’

Small Gods.

The Archchancellor polished his staff as he walked along. It was a particularly good one, six feet long and quite magical. Not that he used magic very much. In his experience, anything that couldn’t be disposed of with a couple of whacks from six feet of oak was probably immune to magic as well.

Soul Music.

Lord Vetinari, as supreme ruler of Ankh-Morpork, could in theory summon the Archchancellor of Unseen University to his presence and, indeed, have him executed if he failed to obey.

On the other hand Mustrum Ridcully, as head of the college of wizards, had made it clear in polite but firm ways that he could turn him into a small amphibian and, indeed, start jumping around the room on a pogo stick.

Alcohol bridged the diplomatic gap nicely. Sometimes Lord Vetinari invited the Archchancellor to his palace for a convivial drink. And of course the Archchancellor went, because it would be bad manners not to. And everyone understood the position, and everyone was on their best behavior, and thus civil unrest and slime on the carpet were averted.

Interesting Times.

The Four Horsemen whose Ride presages the end of the world are known to be Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. But even less significant events have their own Horsemen. For example, the Four Horsemen of the Common Cold are Sniffles, Chesty, Nostril and Lack of Tissues; the Four Horsemen whose appearance foreshadows any public holiday are Storm, Gales, Sleet and Contra-flow.

Interesting Times

On the whole, witches despised fortune-telling from tea-leaves. Tea-leaves are not uniquely fortunate in knowing what the future holds. They are really just something for the eyes to rest on while the mind does the work. Practically anything would do. The scum on a puddle, the skin on a custard… anything. Nanny Ogg could see the future in the froth of a beermug. It invariably showed that she was going to enjoy a refreshing drink which she almost certainly was not going to pay for.

Maskerade. (Nanny Ogg, one of my favourite characters).

‘There must be more interesting things. Hair. Clothes. People.’

‘Good grief. You mean girl talk?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve never talked girl talk before,’ said Cheery. ‘Dwarfs just talk.’

‘It’s like that in the Watch, too,’ said Angua. ‘You can be any sex you like provided you act male. There’s no men and women in the Watch, just a bunch of lads. You’ll soon learn the language. Basically, it’s how much beer you supped last night, how strong the curry was afterwards, and where you were sick. Just think egotesticle. You’ll soon get the hang of it. And you’ll have to be prepared for sexually explicit jokes in the Watch House.’

Cheery blushed.

‘Mind you, that seems to have ended now,’ said Angua.

‘Why? Did you complain?’

‘No, after I joined in it all seemed to stop,’ said Angua. ‘And, you know, they didn’t laugh? Not even when I did the hand gestures too? I thought that was unfair. Mind you, some of them were quite small gestures.’

Feet of Clay.

hysterical2 Egotesticle!!!

‘Untruthful?’ said Ridcully. ‘Me? I’m as honest as the day is long! Yes, what is it this time?’

Ponder had tugged at his robe and now he whispered something in his ear. ‘I am reminded that this is in fact the shortest day of the year,’ he said. ‘However, this does not undermine the point that I just made, although I thank my colleague for his invaluable support and constant readiness to correct minor if not downright trivial errors. I am a remarkably truthful man. Things said at University council meetings don’t count.’

Hogfather.

… I read him his rites, whereupon, he said up, yours copper. Sgnt Detritus then, cautioned him, upon which he said, ouch…

Jingo.

The pointy hat carried a lot of weight in the Ramtops. People talked to the hat, not to the person wearing it. When people were in serious trouble they went to a witch. {footnote: Sometimes, of course, to say, ‘Please stop doing it.’}

Carpe Jugulum.

Sam Vimes could parallel-process. Most husbands can. They learn to follow their own line of thought while at the same time listening to what their wives say. And the listening is important, because at any time they could be challenged and must be ready to quote the last sentence in full. A vital additional skill is being able to scan the dialogue for telltale phrases, such as ‘and they can deliver it tomorrow’ or ‘so I’ve invited them for dinner’ or ‘they can do it in blue, really quite cheaply’.

The Fifth Elephant

WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEARTS OF MEN?

The Death of Rats looked up from his feast of potato.

SQUEAK, he said.

Death waved a hand dismissively. WELL, YES, OBVIOUSLY ME, he said. I JUST WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE.

The Truth.

‘Sometimes I really think people ought to have to pass a proper exam before they’re allowed to be parents. Not just the practical, I mean.’

Thief of Time.

Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association.

OMG... Night Watch.

They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things.

Equal Rites

'While I'm still confused and uncertain, it's on a much higher plane, d'you see, and at least I know I'm bewildered about the really fundamental and important facts of the universe.'
Treatle nodded. 'I hadn't looked at it like that,' he said, 'But you're absolutely right. He's really pushed back the boundaries of ignorance.'

Equal Rites

Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.


Rincewind, Interesting Times.

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

Moving Pictures.

Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.


Rincewind, The Color of Magic

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles kingons, or possibly queons that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed.

MORT

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

Rincewind, The Light Fantastic

Fabulous!!

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.

Sourcery

'You're dead,' he said.
Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. 'I'm not' lacked a certain style, while 'Is it serious?' seemed somehow too frivolous

MORT

"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."

Sourcery

Rincewind: I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet! I'm afraid of grounds.
Conina: You mean heights. And stop being silly.
Rincewind: I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!

Sourcery

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.

Wyrd Sisters

"Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby?" said Sergeant Colon unsteadily. "I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt Colon," said Nobby.

Working undercover in "Guards! Guards!"

In retrospect, Victor was always a little unclear about those next few minutes. That's the way it goes. The moments that change your life are the ones that happen suddenly, like the one where you die.

Moving Pictures

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.

Feet of Clay

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"


--Terry Pratchett himself. HAHA

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".

The Colour of Magic.

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Equal Rites.

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils. And no wonder.

Mort.

It is a fact that although the Death of the Discworld is, in his own words, an ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION, he long ago gave up using the traditional skeletal horses, because of the bother of having to stop all the time to wire bits back on.

Mort.

The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that drills through walls.

Death goes fishing in 'Mort'.

There were a few seconds of total silence as everyone waited to see what would happen next. And then Nijel uttered the battle cry that Rincewind would never quite forget to the end of his life. "Erm," he said, "excuse me..."

Sourcery.

I'm off home honey This has been fun and I shall return smooches

'Sodomy non sapiens,' said Albert under his breath.
'What does that mean?'
'Means I'm buggered if I know.'

MORT

"Says Ook on the cover," said the Senior Wrangler...
"Does it say who it's by?" said the Dean.
"Bad taste, that man."
"I meant that maybe it'd be his real name."
"Can we look inside?" said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "There may be an index."
"Any volunteers to look inside the Librarian?" said Ridcully. "Don't all shout."

The Last Continent

I can think of an a librarian I wouldn't mind looking inside!

The Librarian opened his mouth again, and then sneezed.
A very large red seashell lay on the sand...
"That's interesting," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "He's turned into quite a good specimen of the giant conch. You can get a marvellous sound out of one of them if you blow in the pointy end..."
"Volunteers?" said the Dean, almost under his breathe.

The Last Continent

Q. What noise do librarians make when you blow in them?

Good old Aussie songs with a different tilt :-
Once a moderately jolly wizard camped by a dried-up waterhole under the shade of a tree he was completely unable to identify. And he swore as he hacked and hacked at a can of beer, saying, "What kind of idiots put beer in tins?".

"Can you hear that thunder?" said Ridcully, as a rumble rolled across the city. "We'd better take cover..."

The Last Continent

The Ephebians believe that every man should have the vote.


Small Gods.

Hmm maybe we should apply this in this country (what do you think Sy?)

I'm going to kick your ass, you filthy pervert.

From The Book He Didn't Write Yet tongue

Umm, that looks cool, looks like I might be able to relate to parts of him new book then

"No," said Tiffany, patiently. "It's about zoology."
"Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it."
"No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite short."

Wee Free Men

Agnes: He is the king, Nanny.
Nanny: That’s no reason for him to go around acting like royalty.
Agnes: I think it is, actually.

Carpe Jugulum

Goddammit, Rincewind in not a cheese! Rincewind is not a yogurt or any kind of sour milk derivative! Rincewind is bloody nuisance!

The Dean, Interesting Times

Prisoner: I get it, good cop, bad cop, eh?
Vimes: If you like, but we’re a bit short-staffed today, so if I give you a cigarette, would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?

Night Watch

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

The Colour of Magic

The word 'fat' could not honestly be applied to him, not when the word 'gross' was lumbering forward to catch your attention.
RE: Sgt Jackrum in Monstrous regiment