Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.

Quote sentences/quotes from the Discworld novels that you find amusing and/or Clever like:-

Death in Mort trying to help Mort feel more comfortable

'I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,' he said, 'BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.'

The world was blessedly free of honest men, and wonderfully free of people who believed they could tell the difference between an honest man and a crook.

Going Postal.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

Equal Rites.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Wyrd Sisters.

Lord Vetinari, as supreme ruler of Ankh-Morpork, could in theory summon the Archchancellor of Unseen University to his presence and, indeed, have him executed if he failed to obey.

On the other hand Mustrum Ridcully, as head of the college of wizards, had made it clear in polite but firm ways that he could turn him into a small amphibian and, indeed, start jumping around the room on a pogo stick.

Alcohol bridged the diplomatic gap nicely. Sometimes Lord Vetinari invited the Archchancellor to his palace for a convivial drink. And of course the Archchancellor went, because it would be bad manners not to. And everyone understood the position, and everyone was on their best behavior, and thus civil unrest and slime on the carpet were averted.

Interesting Times.

The Four Horsemen whose Ride presages the end of the world are known to be Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. But even less significant events have their own Horsemen. For example, the Four Horsemen of the Common Cold are Sniffles, Chesty, Nostril and Lack of Tissues; the Four Horsemen whose appearance foreshadows any public holiday are Storm, Gales, Sleet and Contra-flow.

Interesting Times

WHO KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEARTS OF MEN?

The Death of Rats looked up from his feast of potato.

SQUEAK, he said.

Death waved a hand dismissively. WELL, YES, OBVIOUSLY ME, he said. I JUST WONDERED IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE.

The Truth.

Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armour. It was gilt by association.

OMG... Night Watch.

They both savoured the strange warm glow of being much more ignorant than ordinary people, who were only ignorant of ordinary things.

Equal Rites

'While I'm still confused and uncertain, it's on a much higher plane, d'you see, and at least I know I'm bewildered about the really fundamental and important facts of the universe.'
Treatle nodded. 'I hadn't looked at it like that,' he said, 'But you're absolutely right. He's really pushed back the boundaries of ignorance.'

Equal Rites

Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.


Rincewind, Interesting Times.

The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues.

Moving Pictures.

Let's just say that if complete and utter chaos was lightning, he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'.


Rincewind, The Color of Magic

The only things known to go faster than ordinary light is monarchy, according to the philosopher Ly Tin Weedle. He reasoned like this: you can't have more than one king, and tradition demands that there is no gap between kings, so when a king dies the succession must therefore pass to the heir instantaneously. Presumably, he said, there must be some elementary particles kingons, or possibly queons that do this job, but of course succession sometimes fails if, in mid-flight, they strike an anti-particle, or republicon. His ambitious plans to use his discovery to send messages, involving the careful torturing of a small king in order to modulate the signal, were never fully expanded because, at that point, the bar closed.

MORT

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.

Rincewind, The Light Fantastic

Fabulous!!

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.

Sourcery

'You're dead,' he said.
Keli waited. She couldn't think of any suitable reply. 'I'm not' lacked a certain style, while 'Is it serious?' seemed somehow too frivolous

MORT

"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."

Sourcery

Rincewind: I'm not going to ride on a magic carpet! I'm afraid of grounds.
Conina: You mean heights. And stop being silly.
Rincewind: I know what I mean! It's the grounds that kill you!

Sourcery

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.

Wyrd Sisters

"Have another drink, not-Corporal Nobby?" said Sergeant Colon unsteadily. "I do not mind if I do, not-Sgt Colon," said Nobby.

Working undercover in "Guards! Guards!"

In retrospect, Victor was always a little unclear about those next few minutes. That's the way it goes. The moments that change your life are the ones that happen suddenly, like the one where you die.

Moving Pictures

There were no public health laws in Ankh-Morpork. It would be like installing smoke detectors in Hell.

Feet of Clay

That seems to point up a significant difference between Europeans and Americans. A European says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with me?" An American says: "I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?"


--Terry Pratchett himself. HAHA

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".

The Colour of Magic.

For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

Equal Rites.

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils. And no wonder.

Mort.

It is a fact that although the Death of the Discworld is, in his own words, an ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION, he long ago gave up using the traditional skeletal horses, because of the bother of having to stop all the time to wire bits back on.

Mort.

The thing between Death's triumphant digits was a fly from the dawn of time. It was the fly in the primordial soup. It had bred on mammoth turds. It wasn't a fly that bangs on window panes, it was a fly that drills through walls.

Death goes fishing in 'Mort'.

There were a few seconds of total silence as everyone waited to see what would happen next. And then Nijel uttered the battle cry that Rincewind would never quite forget to the end of his life. "Erm," he said, "excuse me..."

Sourcery.

I'm off home honey This has been fun and I shall return smooches

'Sodomy non sapiens,' said Albert under his breath.
'What does that mean?'
'Means I'm buggered if I know.'

MORT

"Says Ook on the cover," said the Senior Wrangler...
"Does it say who it's by?" said the Dean.
"Bad taste, that man."
"I meant that maybe it'd be his real name."
"Can we look inside?" said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "There may be an index."
"Any volunteers to look inside the Librarian?" said Ridcully. "Don't all shout."

The Last Continent

I can think of an a librarian I wouldn't mind looking inside!

The Librarian opened his mouth again, and then sneezed.
A very large red seashell lay on the sand...
"That's interesting," said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. "He's turned into quite a good specimen of the giant conch. You can get a marvellous sound out of one of them if you blow in the pointy end..."
"Volunteers?" said the Dean, almost under his breathe.

The Last Continent

Q. What noise do librarians make when you blow in them?

Good old Aussie songs with a different tilt :-
Once a moderately jolly wizard camped by a dried-up waterhole under the shade of a tree he was completely unable to identify. And he swore as he hacked and hacked at a can of beer, saying, "What kind of idiots put beer in tins?".

"Can you hear that thunder?" said Ridcully, as a rumble rolled across the city. "We'd better take cover..."

The Last Continent

The Ephebians believe that every man should have the vote.


Small Gods.

Hmm maybe we should apply this in this country (what do you think Sy?)

I'm going to kick your ass, you filthy pervert.

From The Book He Didn't Write Yet tongue

Umm, that looks cool, looks like I might be able to relate to parts of him new book then

"No," said Tiffany, patiently. "It's about zoology."
"Zoology, eh? That's a big word, isn't it."
"No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite short."

Wee Free Men

Goddammit, Rincewind in not a cheese! Rincewind is not a yogurt or any kind of sour milk derivative! Rincewind is bloody nuisance!

The Dean, Interesting Times

Some pirates achieved immortality by great deeds of cruelty or derring-do. Some achieved immortality by amassing great wealth. But the captain had long ago decided that he would, on the whole, prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.

The Colour of Magic

The word 'fat' could not honestly be applied to him, not when the word 'gross' was lumbering forward to catch your attention.
RE: Sgt Jackrum in Monstrous regiment