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I dont' know if a thread was started for this already, but here goes.

Anyone have any good jokes?
I heard this Yo Mama joke (not offensive to anyones mother)

YO Mama so stupid, she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

I cracked up when I heard this. . . . anyone else?

?

i think there's a "your mama jokes" thread already created. But i think this thread is great!

I have a great joke, but it involves black people, and i don't want to offend anyone.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"

sorry if ur a LOTR fan but this guy is an ass! i think jay is enjoying it alot

LTA <------ JOKE..........

LMAO IM RICK JAMES *****!!!

*Slap!!*




Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto
the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did NOT cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask "What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have
been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically
dispositioned to cross roads.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road and that was
good enough for us.

NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

LMAO^

a guy from my math class told me this one -> you know how american babies eat with mini forks and spoons. than what do japanese babies use? toothpicks?

the vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. he was told by his boss to lay off 1 of his employees, either Mary or Jack. his choice was a tough one because mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.

that night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.

mornig finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. at 8:55 mary walks into the office. "i've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "i either have to lay you or jack off."

"oh, jack off" mary says, "i've got a headache."

LMAO!!!

What do you call a man with half a brain?




Gifted.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fu(k, Etc."

lol...
whats white and falls out of a tree?

Say it. It's only a joke.

dont know

a fridge!

why are men like floor tiles??

If you lay then right the first time, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life!

OMFG!! Saucy, you go with your sexist jokes!!

Girl Power!! *does stupid little two finger Spice Girl sign*

we rule

all girls do!

I like you signature

I have another joke (not offensive to anyones mom, okay?)

YO Mama so old, she knew burger King when he was a Prince.

.

here is mine!

young man walks up to a mexican man and says "i would like to buy your horse" so the mexican guy says "no, he no look to good" then the man says "i dont care what he looks like i just want a horse!" then the old mexican says "no, he no look to good" then the man says "I DONT CARE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE JUST LET ME BUY HIM!" so the old mexican sells him the horse. three days later the man comes back and says "YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE!" and the old mexican guy says "i told you he no look to good"

BOO *throws tomatoes* tomato

nice

...

^

K....
Does anybody got any other jokes?

i got Armenian ****ing funny jokes...but its hard to translate to english

Wut do u get when u cross a rope with an owl?

i dunno a growl

my ass

Its from Kung Pow

That is the answer?
Edit- I didn't see the 2nd post

absolutely no punch line wutsoever

so whats the answer?
LMAO

this thread really...damn its relaly fu...

i cant' finsih the sentence

whats the difference between a mad cow and a woman on pms?

Lipstick

Who me.... never! angel_not


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight miniskirt. As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was
too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a
large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the
waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends!"

....

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

lmfao

A man went to hire a horse
the man he hired the horse from told him to make the horse go he had to say thank god for it to move and amen to stop
the guy didnt pay much attention to him
He got on the horse and told it to go
it would not move so he tried something else and still it stood there
then he remembered what the guy said so he yelled out thank god and the horse started to move he shouted it again and the horse went faster
and everytime he said it hte horse would go faster and faster
he noticed he was heading towards a cliff and told it to stop but it would not stop again he tried everything to stop it
then he remebered to stop the horse he had to say amen and so he did
the horse stoped just in time 1 cm away from the cliff edge
the man was so happy that he said thank god!!!

what do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night
A widow

How does man show that he is planning for the future
He buys 2 cases of beer

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast.
"The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says.
"Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

Two women were riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the women a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

2 couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. when they got there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner- swapping as a trial.

after 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside the guy turned to his new partner and said "WOW! this is the very best sex i had in years. i wonder how the girls are doing?"

Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why?

The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?" The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter" The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man." "OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bed post".

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."

Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing."

"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."

By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.

"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.

"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."

lol,that was a good one

...*sigh* I have had this one on my mind for a while,so I guess I'll tell it..


What did the fish say when it swam into the cement wall?Dam

i

i've got loads ov jokes wat kind do u want to hear

funny ones.

they,re all funny

How about the Lord Ashcrotfte joke as a comic strip in the Private Eye:

Taxman: Have you payed any taxes this year Lord Ashcrofte?
Lord Ashcrofte: Mind your own business, I'm a Tory peer.
Taxman: Fair enough (leaves)
Lord Ashcrofte: That wasn't too TAXING, eh readers?

a joke: YOUR MOM!!

jk

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked.

"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."

Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing."

"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."

By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.

"You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.

"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."

Darth Vader says that this year, Luke Skywalker will get an Action Man with fully equipped weapons, He will also get Monopoly and finally he will also get Barbie Repunzel. I know, becasue i have felt his presence.

lol

How does a portugee kill a fish: Drown it!!

How does a portugee kill a bird: Throw it off a cliff

There was this japanese, hawaiian, and portugee taking a vacation in the desert. They ask the japanese "eh, what did you bring?" the japanese says "I brought sushi to eat". So then they ask the hawaiian "eh, what did you bring?". The hawaiian says "I brought some water so I can drink." Then they ask the portugee what he brought. The portugee says "I brought a car door so I can roll down the window."

A hawaiian, japanese and portugees was going to get executed for treasen the next day. So a slave comes up to them an says "point and shout a natural disaster out, then the gun men would get scared and run away". So the next day is here. The hawaiian goes up to be executed first, he yells "TORNADO!!!" the gun men screams and runs away. The japanese is up second and yells "TSUNAMI!!" the gun men scream again and run away. Then finally the potugees is up, and says to himself "hah, Im gonna say the most terrible disaster. He goes up and says "FIRE!!!"

keep them coming!

Why can't ghost have babies?
Becasue they have HOLLOW-WEINIES!

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I lauhged SO hard at that one!

no jokes, lol.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there...He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"

Bartender: Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills...

Bartender: "Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there...

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face... Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body..."Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

O-M-G

some call it puppy love

lol

ok not so much a joke but it's funny... http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/slp29/pbj.html

ok so yeah I'm bored but ...hahahahaha http://www.coolfunnypictures.com/ChristmasIsRuined.html

You mama so nasty, when someone asked "What are we having for dinner?"
She put her foot on the table.

bump

anyone got any good jokes??

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train.
I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else!
You must have been having sex for about forty minutes.
How do you manage it?
You must have had a fantastic life together.
Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

lmao