Oh our educated youth!

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KharmaDog
Actual analogies and metaphors found in High School essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Napalm
laughing out loud

The Inkeeper
You could do exactly the same with Insurance claims erm Our uneducated elder generation smile

KharmaDog
I could just imagine what people write on their insurance claims. More than likely they are the same people who would written the same kinda stuff we see above when they were in High School.

Silver Stardust
Oh...my...

Linkalicious
i was in my Poly Sci class last night and our professor handed back some paper that we had to write.

He announced to the class that he was astonished to find that like 1/2 the class wasn't even capable of linking 2 coherent sentences together.

sad. no expression

The Inkeeper
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. (Thanks Jay Kuivinen)

KharmaDog
My first year in University I had an historical survey course with approx. 110-140 students.

Upon receiving the semester's first assignment the Professor returned all but fourteen papers to the students telling everyone that they had to be rewritten and would each receive a -15% penalty for having absolutely no grasp of the written word. Many people were angry. After reading some of the papers I thought he was pretty easy on them for giving them a second go at it.

Napalm
http://webpages.charter.net/dexerion/OwnedPics/wrestlerowned.jpg

Jackie Malfoy
Laugh it up guys! roll eyes (sarcastic) laughing

hayden's minx
Hahaha.
From the perspective of someone who was recently in an American High School, it would not surpirise me if they were actually real.
To be honest though, the kind of people at my school who would write like that rarely actually gave in any work.

SaTsuJiN
Most of those seemed sarcastic to me.. especially the one about the girls hearty laugh sounding like a dog about to vom (lmao)

Perhaps the funniest essay entry for that 8th grade test (the one that determines where your placement in highschool will be), my reading teacher was telling us about some of the essays that failed.. one of them was based on the question "What would you do, if you woke up the next day to find out there was no longer any school?" .. one of the essays went : "I told mah frend.. we aint gots no school no mo'.. and she said "ho~~!" " the teacher said that with a dead straight face. and I just wanted to cry from laughing.. so I put my head down

s|m
hysterical


wtf no expression?

manny321
I remember in high school when a guy in grade 10 history class said Hitler was the prime minister of Canada during ww2 in her essay!!!
I remember our history teacher saying that half the class was "illiterate"!!! Also in a assignment there was a task to write a paragraph to summarize a topic. Instead a girl handed in essay that had to deal with an whole different issue???

Serious some people know nothing about the world. I remember our teacher talking about society 1000 years ago. One student said "sir thats wrong!! EVEN The earth is not that old!!"
Our teacher asked whats the Berlin wall and a guy said its a book!!!
I don't even think half even know who's the prime minister of canada however almost all know bush is president of the US. Very shocking!!

KharmaDog
was it a guy or a girl?

manny321
whoops its a guy!

Afro Cheese
Yeah except those are similes stick out tongue

BackFire
It's pretty obvious that almost all of those were intentionally sarcastic and silly.

KharmaDog
Sorry, my bad. It was emailed to me and I pasted in without correcting it. Apologies.

Afro Cheese
It's no big deal dude I was just being a smartass.

KharmaDog
Happy Dance Better to be a smartass than a dumbass. Happy Dance

Tptmanno1
INkeeper> I don't care if those are fake or not, I almost shit my pants reading them. that was so funny

finti
have a couple of favourites here
laughing out loud laughing out loud laughing out loud brilliant

botankus
There's no need to slam them by calling whoever made them up "uneducated," since there's no way to determine that from the actual metaphors. They seem pretty creative to me.

ChickinMeat
Insurance Claims:

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows

SaTsuJiN
/signed

s|m
I had a history teacher last year who didn't know how to spell "Africa" no expression
She wrote "Afrika" once, and when she saw our reaction, she only used initials for it, like A.

Im still confuzzled about that confused

Afro Cheese
Maybe she was talking about Afrika Bambaataa.

Darth Revan
hysterical

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