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are the brits the only people who find really sick jokes funny

shall we try some out?

i hear they are going to melt michael jackson down after he dies and make him into toys...so the kids can play with him for a change

santa didnt have time to deliver presents to the kids in sri lanka and indonesia this year...so he just decided to fly over and give them a big wave

thats f*ed up

ROFL!

(im half british)

michael jackson isnt going to hang his kids over balconies anymore...he's just gonna toss them off instead

a mate of mine's dad has a bar on the beach front in indonesia...he said after the tsunami it was pretty bad at first...but his customers are starting to drift back in now

chill out...

LMFAO

ROFLMFAO!!!

some of you might not get these

what have gareth gates and harold shipman got in common?...

neither of them could finish a sentence!

the prison boxing club chairman said he will miss harold shipman...apparently he had a lethal jab

gareth bastard gates?! bloody stutter gob

harold shipman is the worlds biggest serial killer (over 400 victims) and he commited suicide in jail...he was a doctor who injected patients with deliberate over doses in order to kill them

gareth gates is a singer who stutters when he speaks...

hence the "neither could finish a sentence" and the "lethal jab" punch lines

ooooooh....

thats what i said!

knock knock

whos there?

sue

sue who?

su-nami! run for you lives! ahhh!

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with, and the other you put your groceries in.

- How did John die?
- No idea. All we know is that he struggled a lot during the autopsy.

Snow white has been kicked out of disney land recently....She had benn said, she pulled up her skirt and sat on pinochios nose and shouted "LIE BASTURD LIE!"

Three men stayed the night together in a hotel and sharing only one bed, the next day the guy on the left goes "I had this amazing dream that a girl gave me a hand job", the guy on the right said "Really? Me TOO!" the guy in the middle bummed goes "I only had a stupid dream about skiing."

Here's one.

What was the last thing on Princess Diana's mind?

The Windshield. Hahahahahahaha.

Not a joke, a cruel mocking really. I found it funny and if you didn't then you can just jerk me straight off.

-AC

Thats mean ^

Obviously missed the thread title then.

They're not called sick jokes because you're all meant to love them.

-AC

Sick jokes rule
I have one, but it's like, uber-offensive. In fact, I'll spoilerise it.

A young woman was in hospital in the maternity ward giving birth. She'd been in there for over 2 hours, this kid just did not want to come out. Finally, the doctor delivering the baby yelled at her to make one last push, the woman strained for one last time, then fell back on the bed exhausted. The doctor took the newborn baby in his arms and walked to the head of the bed. The woman reached out to take her child, tears of happiness and relief running down her face, but the doctor pulled it away from her, and taking the baby roughly by it's tiny ankles, starting swinging it around the room, smashing it's skull against the walls and through the heavy metal table next to the bed. The woman screamed in pure horror, completely unable to believe what she was seeing. Then the doctor stopped, smiled at her and said ''April Fools! The baby was dead when it came out anyway!''

omg_smilie

Michael jackson was on the beach and the woman standing above him shouted "HEY GET OUT OF MY SON"

Roes r red pickeles r sour open ur legs and give me an hour

What do you call a dude with 2 eyes
4 noses and
And a gigantic mouth?................































****ing Ugly!

Deathblow thats pretty mean but kinda funny lol.
Cherry thats a good one

that second one was great

i know one, but beware, its kinda kinky :

Okay, two wives decided to go out and get drunk while their husbands were away. They got drunk, and had a great time at some club, but then needed to go to the restroom, due to physical needs. They then realised that the restroom was too crowded, and decided to go outside and look for a right place. Coincidently, next to that club there was a cemetery, and being drunk as they were, they went for it (and of course, there wasn't any toilet paper, so they used whatever they could find in handy, including clothes).
The husbands came back home. The other day, they hung out and talked.
"- You know, im getting divorced.
- Me too, why?
- You won't believe what my wife has done last night. I found her naked and drunk. And why are you getting divorced?
- What you told me doesn't compare to what my wife has done. Not only that I found her drunk, she also had a paper wrapped around her saying: "We will never forget you. With love, the Baseball team"

P.S. Im not the one who invented it

^ c'mon guys.... that has to be funny... glare^

what a p***er

Shannon received a phone call from the Foreman at the plant her husband worked. he sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong ."what happened?is Patrick all right?please tell me he is ok?"she said. the man on the line replied sadly "Shannon there was a accident at the brewery and your husband is...dead." "oh my goodness what happened?"she cried "he fell into a vat of beer "the Foreman said. "did he at least die quickly ?" she asked .the man paused then said "well no ...he got out three times to use th bathroom."

Oooooh. Another sick one from my bass player...
(Its always the bass player isn't it...)

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne....?


















Acne comes on your face AFTER you're 13......


Oooooooooh....! Told'ya it was sick..... tomato

ok here we go its real sick but to hell with it, whats white, stick and found in young boys pants?

Michael Jackson's hand

huh

i have a few but i dont want to post them

tho i mite if u persuade me

go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.

get them posted

the following is the sickest joke i have ever heard although some of you might not get it


actually ive decided to edit this one away cause it is unbelievably sick...if your a brit (cause you will probably need to be to get it) and you like really REALLY sick jokes...pm me and i'll tell you it

what has santa clause and gary glitter got in commen?
they both sneak into kids bedrooms and empty their sacks!

two cows in a field, one says" moooo" the other one says "****ing hell i was gonna say that!

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...



Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.



Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.



Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!



Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.



Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.



Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.



Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!



The Never Ending Shit

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.



Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours




this had me laugh for hours

lady u could have said that on my board and won the contest lol!

loved that, omg, i loved that

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

LOL
I love offensove jokes like that

Man that one was so weird.

Originally posted by jaden101
are the brits the only people who find really sick jokes funny

shall we try some out?

i hear they are going to melt michael jackson down after he dies and make him into toys...so the kids can play with him for a change

santa didnt have time to deliver presents to the kids in sri lanka and indonesia this year...so he just decided to fly over and give them a big wave

ROTFLMAO!!

Originally posted by jaden101
some of you might not get these

what have gareth gates and harold shipman got in common?...

neither of them could finish a sentence!

the prison boxing club chairman said he will miss harold shipman...apparently he had a lethal jab

ROTFLMAO!!


NOT BRITISH hilarious tho

What's the only white thing in a baby's diaper??

Michael Jackson's hand!! ROTFLMAO!!

Originally posted by ladygrim
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

LOL!!

all swicked

I don't see how any MJ jokes are funny.THey are just stupid.JM

come on!! they're hilarious

Well maybe they are alittle funny.But they don't have to be sick to make everyone think they are funny.JM

Originally posted by Jackie Malfoy
Well maybe they are alittle funny.But they don't have to be sick to make everyone think they are funny.JM

well...they kind of DO have to be sick...given that this is a SICK JOKES thread

ok i got two sick jokes:

1- what's black and white and comes in little cans?
michael jackson

2-a man is called to the hospital because his wife was in a terrible accident. doctor sits him down and says "i'm very sorry, but she has permanent brain damage. she will need you to take care of her for as long as she lives. you will have to bath her, change her diapers, spoon feed her...etc. the man buries his face in his hands and weeps hysterically. finally the doc laughs out loud, slaps him on the back and says "i'm just f'n with you! she's dead!"

A young couple were on a camping trip. It was nighttime, and they were driving, very bored. Finally the girl says, "Alright, I'm getting sick of this. For every 10 you drive over the speed limit, I'll take off an article of clothing."

Since the guy's never seen her in the nude before, he immediately stomps on the accelerator, and before long, the girl sits naked in front of him.
He got so excited, and inadvertently jerked the steering wheel, driving the car off the road.
The girl was unhurt, but the guy was trapped in the upside down car. He quickly yelled, "Go out and get help!"
But she pouted. "I'm naked, and I have nothing to cover myself with."
"Ah, fine. Here, take my shoe."
A shoe was forcefully hurled out the passenger side.

The girl immediately covered her chest with her arms, put the shoe over her pubic area, and ran out by the highway, where a car was speeding.
"Help, help!" she screamed, and the car drove to a stop. A young man stepped out, confused.
The girl pleaded, "My boyfriend's stuck and I can't get him out! Please help."

The young man sighed, and took one look at the shoe protruding out of the girls' private region.
"I'm sorry, ma'am...but if he's in that far I guess there's nothing I can do for you."

Dark, that's hilarious

Thanks, Corran. Another.

There were two identical twins, Joe and John. Joe had a beautiful wife, while John was single and stuck with an old dilapidated boat.
The boat was getting out of hand, and when four young fishers requested to rent the old boat, he gladly agreed.
A week later, they came back and said that the boat had sunk. Not sure if they were trying to lie and steal the boat, John travelled to the ocean. Sure enough, he found the pieces of his old, faithful boat.

Meanwhile, in his absense, Joe's wife died of pneumonia.

He came back to the town. An old lady saw him, and thinking he was Joe, she said sympathetically, "I'm sorry. You must feel terrible about your loss."
Thinking she was talking about the sunk boat, John snorted and said:

"Oh, that old wreck? Hell no! She was old, and smelled bad. Her bottom was beginning to rot. She had this big crack in the front, and a gaping hole in the back. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger. But that wasn't the gist of it. One day, I rented her off to four guys, who really seemed to want to use her. I heard that they all tried to get into her all at once, and she split RIGHT down the middle."

The old woman fainted.

this one i heard from my friend randy,And I mean NO OFFENCE IN ANY WAY! it's sick cause it's bad.
"Why did Hitler kill him self?"
answer:" Because he saw his Gas biil"
I know bad, don't hate me.

A bloke phones up his boss John at work, not at all feeling like going in....

Bloke: "Hello John.... I can't make it in today......"

John: " Whys that then.....?"

Bloke: "I'm sick...."

John: "Are you...? How sick.....?"

Bloke: "Well..... i'm bed with my Sister.......!?!?!!"

thats wrong man!!!!

Originally posted by Deathblow
A young woman was in hospital in the maternity ward giving birth. She'd been in there for over 2 hours, this kid just did not want to come out. Finally, the doctor delivering the baby yelled at her to make one last push, the woman strained for one last time, then fell back on the bed exhausted. The doctor took the newborn baby in his arms and walked to the head of the bed. The woman reached out to take her child, tears of happiness and relief running down her face, but the doctor pulled it away from her, and taking the baby roughly by it's tiny ankles, starting swinging it around the room, smashing it's skull against the walls and through the heavy metal table next to the bed. The woman screamed in pure horror, completely unable to believe what she was seeing. Then the doctor stopped, smiled at her and said ''April Fools! The baby was dead when it came out anyway!''
What the f.uck?!?! that was the most offensive joke i have ever heard!!..how could anyone even write that?!!?!?!...crybaby

Originally posted by ladygrim
Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...



Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.



Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.



Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!



Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.



Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.



Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.



Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!



The Never Ending Shit

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.



Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours




this had me laugh for hours
ive got a couple...the dingleberry shit-the kind of shit that comes out lookin like little berries and the last one no matter how hard you push it wont come loose
and the nuclear bomb-the kind that smells so bad that you use up the entire can of airfreshiner and looks like your brain

actually, a 'dingleberry' is a small ball of shit which gets stuck to the ass hairs...so it kinda hangs and 'dingles'

oooh thanx for that

you're very welcome
now you can tell everyone you learned something new today

Originally posted by PVS
actually, a 'dingleberry' is a small ball of shit which gets stuck to the ass hairs...so it kinda hangs and 'dingles'

Ahhhh.... THAT one...!! (AKA: "The insidious Klingon"

i got two for ya

My car insurance comes monthly like a period and if you miss it...means your in big trouble

BLONDE JOKE:

"No moma he is not dumb he is going to be a dr. he has already cured me of that disease i got every month

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

jawdrop

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost

Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.

Michael jackson jokes are the best.

Originally posted by Alpha Centauri
Here's one.

What was the last thing on Princess Diana's mind?

The Windshield. Hahahahahahaha.

Not a joke, a cruel mocking really. I found it funny and if you didn't then you can just jerk me straight off.

-AC
ROTFLMAO!! THTAS HILARIOUS!!

Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

Originally posted by xLiNdS x 622x
What the f.uck?!?! that was the most offensive joke i have ever heard!!..how could anyone even write that?!!?!?!...crybaby
OMG THAT WAS SO HILARIOUS!

ive got one
whilst micheal jackson is on trial he has to stay in the hotel
the bodyguard looking after micheal ask if he wants to get a film
micheal says sure why not
bodygaurd says sure do u want me to get A-LAD-IN
MICHEAL GOES DONT YOU THINK IM IN A ENOUGH TROUBLE


GET IT

Originally posted by Corran
Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

I dont get it.... care to explain?

http://williambader.com/mj.html

yeah

very good dizzy, i like that one

this should be change to micheal jackson jokes
dance

not as good as the michael jackson on ehtougj

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A. Hanson.

This came from Bill Bryson's book "A walk in the woods"

Two sweet hearts are out having a romantic meal one night when suddenly the girl leans across and says to guy "Honey, how do you spell paedophile?"
He looks surprised for a moment before saying "I'm impressed love, what a big word for a seven year old"...

/\I've eard that one before

LOL!!

FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his bedroom.

A woman stays the night in this house in some dark woods. At the stroke of midnight, she hears a voice:

"If the log rolls over we'll all be dead"

It is an eerie voice, a spine-tingling voice. She's scared, yet is unbelievably intrigued, so she leaves her room and stands in the hallway. Then:

"If the log rolls over we'll all be dead"

A little bit louder

It's coming from one of the rooms in the southern end. She walks over to that side, towards that eerie sound.

She reaches there and listens.

"If the log rolls over we'll all be dead"

The bathroom?

She opens the door.

Nothing.

"If the log rolls over we'll all be dead"

She walks to the john and looks in.

"If the log rolls over we'll all be dead"

Twenty ants on a humongous piece of poop floating in acid-colored water screaming these words.

What did she do?

*flush*

the end.

Sorry, I had to separate my little..er..joke

ergh but funny

Originally posted by Lemonade Whiz
What did she do?

*flush*

the end.

Sorry, I had to separate my little..er..joke It's a bit sh1t really.

Sh***y, yes, but kind of....funny

A small Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.

Ancient Chinese Torture
spacer
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

^


Originally posted by Deathblow
Sick jokes rule
I have one, but it's like, uber-offensive. In fact, I'll spoilerise it.

A young woman was in hospital in the maternity ward giving birth. She'd been in there for over 2 hours, this kid just did not want to come out. Finally, the doctor delivering the baby yelled at her to make one last push, the woman strained for one last time, then fell back on the bed exhausted. The doctor took the newborn baby in his arms and walked to the head of the bed. The woman reached out to take her child, tears of happiness and relief running down her face, but the doctor pulled it away from her, and taking the baby roughly by it's tiny ankles, starting swinging it around the room, smashing it's skull against the walls and through the heavy metal table next to the bed. The woman screamed in pure horror, completely unable to believe what she was seeing. Then the doctor stopped, smiled at her and said ''April Fools! The baby was dead when it came out anyway!''

!!!!

OMG

I know, something is wrong with me.
I thought this was so funny.

What did the girl say to pinochio when she sat on his face? tell me lies, tell me lies

Two skinheads at the seaside... one says, "Baz? What would you do if a bird shat on your head?"
"I'd stop licking her" came the reply....

eating pizza

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

Rubber Ducky

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

Uneekly, that one is the best.

Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
Rubber Ducky

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

hysterical omg thats hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two deaf lesbians walking down the road with their hands in each others knickers. What are they doing?




Lip reading.