Star Wars Parody Stories by Moi

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Cinemaddiction
Most of you probably didn't know this, but I used to write for a Star Wars parody site for a span of 2 years called CreatureCantina.com. Now, we'd have stories/updates about 4 times a month. I was just thumbing through their archives upon their 4th anniversary and came across some of my old work, and figured I'd share it for shits and giggles. These are just a few examples of what I used to write..

SW Holiday Special...Pt. 2?

Indigestion, heartburn, headache, bloating, vomiting. No, these aren't all resulting from the holiday meals and stress. These are the added qualms of sitting through the original Star Wars Christmas Special. Boba Fett was NICE.. Chewbacca had KIDS..and the cartoon SUCKED! What in Sam Hell ever possessed Lucas to put this out?
Better yet, what influenced him to begin production of a SECOND!

Through my "inside sources", I obtained a VHS copy of what was to be the next Christmas special installment, which was to air the Christmas season before the release of Episode One: The Phantom Menace. The main plot of this story was to document the bungling travels of Anakin Skywalker as he searched for the true meaning of Christmas.

Characters such as Sabe, Shmi Skywalker, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn, and the regular Episode One staples all made appearances, with the voices done by the original actors. Except for Jar Jar Binks, who was voiced by the ever available Mr. T. Earlier voice hopefuls also included Vikings WR Randy Moss, who's colorful off the field vernacular is always a hit.

In the end of his journey, Anakin discovers that his mother is an atheist and quickly defects to Christianity. Having the Force, cool toys, and God on your side can't be all that bad! Although, this never released Christmas special actually had some potential, it was still a little hard to stomach with the original still lingering in my head. Boba Fett showing a soft side... it's enough to make a grown man cry.

George Lucas: Fashion Designer?

George Lucas..a genius..an enigma. An innovative man of fashion? Perhaps. Lord Lucas' fashion drug of choice has always been the simple yet striking, plaid flannel shirt. Like the Yukon lumberjacks before him and the grunge scene fans that followed, Lucas continues to stay true to the squares and stripes.

To this day, George continues to take pride in his flannel saturated wardrobe. Although the flannel shirt has seen it's revival and downfall, George is keeping it real.

With his numerous business ventures, all branching from his motion picture brainchild, Lucas has decided to dabble in the fine art of fashion designing.

"Basically, I wanted to share the joy of flannel with the public. It's always been a dream of mine to bring flannel enthusiasts of all origins together someday in a pure plaid nirvana." Lucas along with designer, and now uncloseted plaid freak, Tommy Hilfiger plain to start a joint venture. Aptly named, "Plaid Pride", Lucas hopes that plaid lovers the world over will show their dedication to the furry yet tough shirts they have grown accustomed to over the years.

George and Tommy, being the thrifty and unspoiled men they are, have decided to start this company out of pocket, and devote all earnings to the "PPSA", the Plaid Preservation Society of America. The only earnings the two will see are gratitude and appreciation. Those are two things..money just can't buy..unless you are a politician.

Palpatine to open "Siths "R" Us" in Cloud City

Dark Overlord of the Sith, one Emperor Palpatine, has announced the grand opening of the worlds largest Sith Lord supply store in the galaxy, Siths "R" Us! "This store will service all those Sith Lords who wish to slay in style, with brand name designer cloaks and weaponry!".

"A wide assortment of cloaks, lightsabers, and novelty items, will be widely available in the new Siths "R" Us retail chain by the end of the project", says CEO, Garth Mall.

After Palpatine's successful "force" out of toy store giant, Toys "R" Us, "Siths" has full control as well as use of the "r Us" moniker, likenesses, and anything ever associated with the now defunct TRU Inc. A grand opening celebration is going to be held at the Planet Naboo location in Cloud City.

Refreshments are to be provided by McQuarries of Cloud City, with door prizes such as authenticated lightsabers of dead Jedi, provided by the Sith Lords themselves.

A promising business is to be found in this new venture, "Siths "R" Us. Not only do I like the store, I got a job there...
http://www.creaturecantina.com/news_images/2002/0515/SRU.jpg

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Cinemaddiction
Attack of the Clone?

Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala were hosts to what was supposed to be the biggest intergalactic bash that Naboo has EVER seen. Held at Wuher's original Planet Naboo, the newlyweds were throwing a birthday bash for Jedi buddy Obi Wan Kenobi. Anakin had hired the popular rock group, Dave Matthews Band for live entertainment.

About halfway through the festivities, before the serving of the cake, Dave Matthews himself stopped in mid-song and belted out a monstrous yell. But what did he see?

A large shadow was cast inside of a large cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared..a figure appeared. Standing at approximately 4' 5", a person wearing the helmet and jetpack of the belated Jango Fett clumsily made his way through the doorway. A huge roar of laughter ran ramped across all of Planet Naboo as Boba made his way towards Anakin, only to fall flat on his face, shattering the helmets visor.
"I'm here for you, Jedi Master! You killed my fatha!" exclaimed a visibly shaken Fett, as he dusted himself off.

Up stepped Mace Windu, with an angry scowl on his face. "What's my name?" proclaimed Windu. "I dunno!" squeaked Boba, after Mace laid his hand across Boba's face. "WHAT'S MY NAME!" he said again. "MACE WINDU!" exclaimed Boba. "Ya damn right.." said Mace, with a sly smile as he kicked Boba in the rear, and out of the establishment.

Brushing his hands clean of Jango Jr., Mace was approached by a beautiful female Twi'lek. He turned to her and said. "It's my duty to please that booty". A roar of applause and whistles came from the patrons as Anakin and Padme high-fived Mace as he made his way to the Liquid Lounge VIP Room. The band broke into "Ants Marching" and Padme served up some of the best cake this side of the galaxy. A good time was had by all, thanks to the unexpected entertainment.

On a lighter note, Wuher announced that he will be officially opening a new Planet Naboo on Kamino later this year. The catch is, it's underwater!

Bounty Hunters: Where are they now?

As we all know, if you ignore E.U., Boba Fett ceases to exist, Aurra Sing was a flash in the pan, and Zam Wesell was a snitch and got her just desserts. But what about those kick-ass OT bounty hunters we heard so little of? The ones we actually cared about?

In this exclusive segment, I, Dark Hybrid decided to do a little Bounty Hunter "Where are they now" piece.

I caught up with Dengar at Maul Memorial Hospital on Tatooine, where he now serves as a nurse's assistant. "She drapes these friggin' bandages on me..tells me to hold still..and that's about all I do. God, and here I was thinking I was reprogrammed to have no feeling? What a load of crap.."

After a short visit with Dengar, it was off to Dexter's Diner where I caught up with good 'ol 4-LOM. 4-LOM now busses tables at Dexters establishment. 4-LOM was too busy to speak, however his "significant other", Zuckuss, said that 4-LOM is making ends meet the "right way" these days. It appears that 4-LOM has accepted God into his everyday life, and is quoted that he "couldn't be happier".

Now, who could forget our pal IG-88? Well, unfortunately IG's life was extinguished at the hands of one BFI Space Sanitation Truck. An bounty hunter insider told me that IG-88 failed to follow through on an assassination attempt on Wuher a few weeks prior to his death. Word has it, IG-88 binged on Castrol GT, made his way into a BFI dumpster in a drunken stupor, only to fall prey to the jaws of one of BFI's fleet garbage trucks the next morning. Mangled beyond recognition, IG-88's hunting days were over.

Lastly, who could forget Bossk? Much like the treehugging hippy we all knew back in High School, Bossk decided to "be one" with the Earth, and rejoin captivity by seeking refuge at what is now the San Angeles Metropolitan Zoo. Bossk is now a main attraction at the zoo in the crocodile display. Bossk, who is now at peace with himself, had this to say. "You never know your true self..until you retrace your roots..then, and only then, will you find true happiness within yourself." Bossk, not always one for words, then slithered on to a rock and began his daily meditation.

Stay tuned for the second installment of this series, Bounty Hunters and the women that love them..


"Dead" Imperial turns over new leaf..

As we all saw in ESB, the greatest SW film top date, Captain Lorth Needa seemingly met his match when he had to kiss Vader's ass and apologize for underestimating Han Solo's hiding tactics. Death by telekinetic strangulation...or was it?

Captain Needa is in fact alive and in VERY good spirits, as I conducted an interview with him this past week. Needa had this documentation of the event.

"Vader always had a flair for looking "ruthless", so after that force choke, he turned away and washed his hands clean of me so to speak. He's really a softy at heart, so I can't blame the old man for trying to impress all those new recruits."

Needa says that after Vader departed, he scrambled to his feet, grabbed an oxygen tank, and jumped out of a near by vacuum door, to be rescued by the Space Coast Guard. "I used to tighten my neck ties tighter than his grip, that old hound!" says Needa jokingly. The Captain, after his salvation, was returned to his home planet of Naboo where he went into business for himself. Hoping to shake his horrible "evil" past, Lorth started his own taxi service in Naboo, aptly named "Needa Lift?".

"The business is quite profitable these days! So many new businesses here in Naboo. It's flourishing beautifully, and I pride myself on being the best in the taxi transportation business! Needa reports his earnings as being in the "billions of credits" since his last audit.
"Well, Duty calls! I have to arrange a shuttle for the Naboo Senior High prom in less than 6 hours! I am so terribly sorry!" Apology accepted, Captain Needa...apology accepted.

"Clone-y Express?"

The U.S.P.S., also known as the United Spaceport Postal Service was in full force once again this week, after a successful job fair and the enrollment of over 1,000 laid off Republic Clone Troopers! After a vicious strike by the Ugnaughts Union, the U.S.P.S. were looking to deliver, so to speak. Armed with packages, letters, and such, these new recruits were ready to tackle their first day as the galaxies new postal carriers!

"Palpatine over ordered a lot of Clonetroopers from Kamino you see, and he had no use for us. Just so happens the U.S.P.S. were looking for a few good clones. One thing led to another, and here I am, back in a job!", says one Yellow Clonetrooper.

The Clone Commander had this to say. "Palpatine over ordered a lot of Clonetroopers from Kamino you see..and..". I excused myself, and canceled my remaining interviews with the Clones.

Once U.P.S., aka the United Postal Spaceport distributors caught wind of this, they immediately signed on galactic engineering giants, Macrosith, to mass produce a fleet of R5-D4 units. However, it was a failed venture. The day of the shipment, all the units arrived with bad motivators.

http://www.creaturecantina.com/news_images/2002/1009/uspsclones.jpg

Within only 5 days of the mass hiring project, U.S.P.S. has regained it's number one ranking among postal carriers in the galaxy. The new class of postal recruits, dubbed "The Cloney Express", are enjoying the fruits of their labor, as all have been guaranteed a hefty bonus, as well as new, distinguishing uniforms after 1 month of service.

Cinemaddiction
A Star Wars Christmas: By Dark Hybrid

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
The blast helmets were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Yoda soon would be there. The padawan were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of lightsabers danced in their heads.
And Padme in her 1,000,000 outfits and I, Anakin, in my cap, had just settled down for a blue harvest's nap. When out on the porch there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash. Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, I just said "breast" That was pretty cool, no?

When, what to my rage-filled eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny Ugnaughts. With a little old driver, bundled up like he was from Minnesota, I knew in a moment it must be St. Yoda!
More rapid than Banthas, his coursers they came. And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now, Ewan! Now, Temuera! Now Carrie and R2! On, Liam! On, Alec ! On, Samuel and Jocasta Nu! To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall! Now, away dash, away dash, away dash must you all!" As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the temple top the coursers they flew, with a sleigh full of lightsabers, and St. Yoda, too. And then in a twinkle, I heard on the top, Saint Yoda say, "Stop!".

As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Yoda came with a bound.He was dressed in Jedi robes, from his head to his foot. His robes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bag full of upgraded lightsabers he had flung on his back, and he looked like a Mos Espa peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes how they twinkled! His ears how perky! His cheeks were like raisins, how old is this turkey?

His droll little mouth was drawn up in a bow, and the hair on his head was as white as snow. The stump of a little old pipe he held in his teeth, and the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a narrow face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly. He was short and stout, a right jolly old elf. And I laughed when I saw him, "He kicked Dooku's ass!", I thought to myself.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work. He filled all the blast helmets: then turned with a jerk. And, laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight..

"A Merry Christmas, you will have..and to all, a good night!"

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