the awful truth
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DOES IT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE?
No, and before any of you Star Wars geeks go for your toy Lightsabers, hear me out! I loved the story, I loved the action, I loved the pace, I loved the music, but once again the acting is the problem. I don’t know what’s worse, the banal dialogue, or the way in which the entire cast moves around like a bunch of wooden Pinocchio’s desperately looking for director George “Geppetto” Lucas to turn them into real actors. If just seems like Lucas doesn’t care much for getting the acting right; too much time was obviously spent perfecting the special “effects” and not enough concern about the “affect” of such bad acting.
You know those love lines between Padme and Anakin in "Episode II" that made you cringe; well, they’re back baby and worse than before. In one scene, Padme runs to Anakin, grabs him and says, “Hold me Annie, hold me like you did down at the lake back on Naboo!” I wanted to get up and scream, “Lucas, what the hell is this? Star Wars or Dawson’s Creek?” I actually love Dawson’s Creek, but I don’t admit to that in public. If I ever see Lucas in person, I am going to ask him to “hold me George, hold me the way you used to down by the lake on Naboo!” Do you think he will hold me? I hope so. Really, the only advice I can give you is whenever you see Anakin and Padme together on the screen, put on some earmuffs and hum “My Sharona” until one of them leaves the frame. Ma Ma My Sharona…
You know, when Anakin snaps and turns to the dark side, can you really blame him? The Jedi council was a bunch of fools anyway. I mean here you have this group of so called enlightened thinkers that taut themselves as the cops of the cosmos and they are all looking for a mysterious Sith lord…Hello, guys, he’s right next door. No, not on the other side of the galaxy, but next door! Just take the elevator down to the third floor, walk through the Jar Jar hallway, you’ll see a women’s bathroom on the left and it’s the second door on the right. Make sure you ask for Sidius, he’s tired of everyone calling him Palpatine..
Lucas wants you to see this movie and use your eyes and not your brain. There are so many inconsistencies and improbabilities taking place at once that Lucas almost seems hell bent on moving things along so we don’t get too suspicious. For example, in the opening scene, R2-D2 is shown displaying an array of impressive moves. He can zap people, create oil slicks, he even can fly by using rocket boosters attached to his feet. Very cool stuff and the crowd loved it, but Lucas, where did all of these R2 talents go when the droid meets Luke 20 years later? He’s just a trashcan on wheels in that film. It’s like Lucas sat down and said, I am going to find a way to get R2D2, C3-PO and Chewbacca into this film regardless if it makes sense or not. You did it Lucas, and it doesn’t make much sense. Is there any reason for Yoda to visit the Wookie planet other than to have Yoda and Chewie share screen time? I swear, I am shocked he didn’t have a young Han Solo appear at some point to serve coffee or something. Han, I’ll take it with cream and no sugar, thanks!
And what’s with the General Grievous? He’s a robot with asthma for something? Um, ok, sure George, whatever you say. Care to explain why a robot is having respiratory problems? Grievous, how many packs you smoking a day bud? I didn’t know if I wanted Obi-Wan to fight Grievous or offer him some Robotussin?
The reason we have put up with these mediocre films for the past six years is to see how and why Anakin turns into the legendary Darth Vader. No, it wasn’t to sell more Yellow Pages, but I won’t give away any spoilers here. But I know why Vader was so pissed later on. After Obi-Wan defeats Anakin and leaves his charred, dismembered body to die, the Emperor rescues the battered Skywalker and outfits him with the infamous Darth Vader costume. But hey, Emperor, how about cleaning off Anakin’s torso and face before making him dress up and talk like James Earl Jones? I bet Vader just wanted to take a shower before getting dressed, just like everybody else does. Can you blame him? Hey Vader, you can shower at my place, but you’ve got to be out by 8:30am so I can hop in real quick before work, thanks man. And there’s some leftover Pizza if you want it, I know you get hungry watching that Death Star being built.
Fans of this franchise will love this movie more than oxygen itself, but at the end of the day, George Lucas’ last three Star Wars films have all been somewhat of a disappointment. And as we move into the brave new world of computer-generated films, Lucas has unknowingly, and surely with no intention to, taught us all an important lesson. That great films have a soul, and that soul cannot be computer generated. Episode I, II & III all lacked that intangible soul that was ubiquitous to the original films.
Lucas once gave us intimate, cozy settings on planets and ships that seemed so real, it was almost as if we were there. Isn’t that what a fantasy movie should do? Transport us from the movie seat into the story on the screen? Lucas once had the ability to do that, that ability to make us believe and feel what it must have been like to be Luke standing there on Tatooine and looking up at the moons wandering what destiny awaits him? And we shared a cockpit with Chewy and Han and felt their anxiety as they tried to flee from Imperial Star Ships. But now, it’s all eye candy with no emotion.
Once the emotion is gone, what we see up there is nothing more than a video game with humans acting in it. Think about it, aren’t those just graphics we are seeing and not actual scenery, landscapes or sets? When’s the last time you were emotionally moved by a video game? So it’s with great relief that we can finally move on from the Star Wars universe and it’s safe to say that The Lord of The Rings is the reigning trilogy champ at the moment. Although Peter Jackson better not get too comfortable, I hear there are rumors of a Sister Act 3, wouldn’t that be sweet?
Look there’s no going back, these last three movies were terrible, but what we can do is fine someone to blame. I always find placing the blame on somebody else an essential part of living a happy, healthy life. So whom should we blame? Lucas? No that’s too easy; I say we blame Jimmy Smits? Who’s with me? What does LA Law have to do with Star Wars? Nothing! I thought Yoda settled that lawsuit with Kermit about the rights to Its Not Easy Being Green out of court. I’m going to Jimmy Smits’ house right now, come on! Jimmy Smits ruined Star Wars!!! Let’s get him!!!
By Angry Chris Kooluris
), and we can be critical.