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Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Because his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me... young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell no! He just yelled "April Fool" and that's when I shot the little bastard.

LOL

I got this in an email not so long ago, i thought it was quite good



The Australian way. An Australian guy decides to travel around the
Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes
his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night
they get to know eachother quite well.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to
his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she
says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the
world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the
guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of
attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay
him more attention and may be she can then skank some more cash out of him
again.

So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from
in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in
Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my

parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"



HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

... thats good

Lol...hilarious

lol, i've got some more if u'd like?

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Kirby vacuum cleaner?

The position of the dirt bag.

lol

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Makes Sense Ehh..

A ventriloquist was putting on a show in a club one evening. One part part of his act was a long series of denigrating blonde jokes. After a couple dozen of these, a blonde in the front row stood up and said, "I am sick and tired of hearing all these jokes blasting blondes. You know, some of us are actually intelligent! And all of us have feelings! I think you should stop now!"

The ventriloquist, not wanting to make a big deal of the heckler, apologized to her and said he would move on. "I'm not talking to you!" she exclaimed, "I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"


them are goood

Lol, that was really good

Think you're having a bad day...? _



Check out these actual cases: _ it could be worse....


Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire.

The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba _ tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the _ middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest.

The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets.

Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.


You guessed it.


One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Still think you're having a bad day? _
_


A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.

While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.

The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and _bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.

She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort _them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside.

She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business.

About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.

Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.

The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.

She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropping the stretcher and dumping the husband out.

He fell down the remaining stairs,

....breaking his arm.



______________________________________________ _ _


Still having a bad day?


Just remember, it could be worse... _

_

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.

At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. _


_____________________________________________ _


Still think you are having a bad day? _



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. _


_______________________________________________ _ _


STILL think you're having a bad day? _
_
_
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.

Suddenly, all two thousand _ pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly _

The two hapless protesters were trampled to death. _ _ _




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What?!


STILL having a bad day?? _
_



Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting that it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
_
_
_
_
There, now, - feeling better NOW????

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would

be along when available.
George said,! "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned The police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said That you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

It seems that the 2004 election was so close that the Electoral College vote was tied, and that Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and the Supreme Court decided they'd better not again make the decision themselves.


So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Minnesota to have an ice fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become President.





On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with ten fish. Bush caught none.

On the second day, Kerry caught twenty fish and again W came back empty handed.

When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.





"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.

"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?"

Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.

At the end of day four, Bush called Cheney up and told him, "you were right, Dick, the ba$tard is cheating."

"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.







"He's cutting holes in the ice!"

LOL

I don't have any more....

found another!

Disturbing Beer News
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was
then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

i have a few

not like the beer one? sorry

I'm looking to see if i have more...

one time i went to some ones house at 12:3o A.M.! in a halloween costume on April Fool's day. i rang the doorbell & when they answered i said "Trick or Treat". They gave me some candy.
the next year i did it again. same house too. they gave me candy again.
but when i got home it was'nt candy. it was candy wrappers with peices of paper inside that siad " April Fools ".

A tour bus driver with a bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, and she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them!

Mobile Speed Camera



A report has been received that two traffic patrol officers from North

Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for

speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road between Oldhamstocks and

Grantshouse. Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap

unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road.

One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of a

vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill.

He was somewhat surprised to find that the speed recorded was off the

scale, in excess of 400 mph.

The machine had then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused

PCs. The radar had in fact latched onto a NATO Tornado aircraft in the

North Sea, which was taking part in a low flying exercise over The

Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William

Sutherland, Chief Constable of Lothian & Borders police to the RAF

Liaison Office, it was revealed that the officers could be classed as

'very fortunate'! The tactical computer on board the Tornado had not

only detected and jammed the hostile radar equipment, but had

automatically armed a Sidewinder Air-to-Ground Missile, ready to

neutralise the perceived threat.

Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able

to over-ride the automatic protection system before the missile

launched. The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is

understood that officers will be advised to point the radar guns inland,

in future.