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Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control. I dont know I guess I was hyper sensitive to everything. Every emotion I felt was intense in away that words can't really describe and yet I try. After all that has happened between my ex and me, I feel hollow, broken, curious, and hopeful and hopeless. I feel completely numb sometimes and other times I feel like there is some feeling left in my heart. It seems that pain and saddess are the most identifiable feelings inside of me. It feels like I am somehow drawn to the pain in others. I'm just rambling on about things I'm sure none of you can relate to so I'll stop.

yus

deep.....

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control. I dont know I guess I was hyper sensitive to everything. Every emotion I felt was intense in away that words can't really describe and yet I try. After all that has happened between my ex and me, I feel hollow, broken, curious, and hopeful and hopeless. I feel completely numb sometimes and other times I feel like there is some feeling left in my heart. It seems that pain and saddess are the most identifiable feelings inside of me. It feels like I am somehow drawn to the pain in others. I'm just rambling on about things I'm sure none of you can relate to so I'll stop.

you have empathy issues aswell ...



Totally understand

I have a confession to make. The reason why I stopped where I did was because it hurt too much to post more. I'd much rather bury my feelings than deal with them. Feeling numb is safe. I am getting confused again. Lost in the pain. There is this heavy sadness in my heart. A sadness that I have only felt once before. My ex and I were very much in love and we had this connection. Whenever she was hurting I coul feel it and I knew I had to go see her or call her to try and make her feel better. She was definitely the best thing that has happened to me, but also the the one thing that has hurt me more than anything. I dont think I'll ever recover. Before her I was dead on the inside. Breathing and able to function but not truly alive.

And then she changed that. She built me up so high and I came crashing down so hard.

I'm sorry that happened

Originally posted by Kagome2005
I'm sorry that happened
me too


(you keep changing your sig)

(my mood keeps changing Actually the other sig i just borrowed from a friend on a different site)

i am sorry

That's a good thing to feel.JM

heartache is a terrible thing to feel

Originally posted by -Funky Punk-
i am sorry
dont be you didnt do anything
Originally posted by Jackie Malfoy
That's a good thing to feel.JM
always the comedian lol

Wow...you're a deep person! That's a good thing, buy the way. You sound like you're on the edge, you also sound like you're loosing hope. Don't give up! You'll make it through this!

That does hurt. Hope you get through it man.

Mistah DEVIL > I feel for you and your heartache...I personally know someone going through the same thing and I know it isnt easy....but one thing I also know is there are 3 parts to every story like this...yours, hers and the conclusion...

...just the fact that you are talking about this openly shows some sign of moving on and trying to work to your conclusion...even if its baby steps...they will get you to where you should be in the end...just dont stop stepping...

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control. I dont know I guess I was hyper sensitive to everything. Every emotion I felt was intense in away that words can't really describe and yet I try. After all that has happened between my ex and me, I feel hollow, broken, curious, and hopeful and hopeless. I feel completely numb sometimes and other times I feel like there is some feeling left in my heart. It seems that pain and saddess are the most identifiable feelings inside of me. It feels like I am somehow drawn to the pain in others. I'm just rambling on about things I'm sure none of you can relate to so I'll stop.

Oddly enough, I used to be just like you. Always open to the mouth of the world. But then I learned one thing:
Learn to feel nothing for the world, for the world will feel nothing for you.

At the small cost of your emotions, you can feel pain free. Of everything, loss, gain, madness. You name it, it's gone. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not an evil psychotic twisted minded person. However there should only be two people in your life for this to work. God and you. No one else fits into the equation, becuase who's going to be there when you die? No one, but him and you...remember that.

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
And then she changed that. She built me up so high and I came crashing down so hard.

Never rely on others. They are destined to bring you down...

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I have a confession to make. The reason why I stopped where I did was because it hurt too much to post more. I'd much rather bury my feelings than deal with them. Feeling numb is safe. I am getting confused again. Lost in the pain. There is this heavy sadness in my heart. A sadness that I have only felt once before. My ex and I were very much in love and we had this connection. Whenever she was hurting I coul feel it and I knew I had to go see her or call her to try and make her feel better. She was definitely the best thing that has happened to me, but also the the one thing that has hurt me more than anything. I dont think I'll ever recover. Before her I was dead on the inside. Breathing and able to function but not truly alive. I feel your pain, man..

and how do you coup with it KD, or are you just trying to comfort him?

i was adopted and my 14 year old birth mom was a heroin addict, i went through severe withdrawl when i was born, and not only survived, but completly recovered. (( yay 4 me)) so now i consider myself really lucky and im always pretty happy... and i tell everyone... you should learn to spill... it feels good... even if it hurts then, always look up... nothing can make a great future like a (not forgotten) but learned from past.

Originally posted by silvertsume
i was adopted and my 14 year old birth mom was a heroin addict, i went through severe when i was born, and not only survived, but completly recovered. (( yay 4 me)) so now i consider myself really lucky and im always pretty happy... and i tell everyone... you should learn to spill... it feels good... even if it hurts then, always look up... nothing can make a great future like a (not forgotten) but learned from past.

True words. Stories like that teach us we aren't the only ones with problems. And that there's always a bigger fish...

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
and how do you coup with it KD, or are you just trying to comfort him? Well, When me and my ex were together, when she told me about how she was feeling sometimes, I would feel exactly what she felt. Wether she was sad, happy, mad, I would feel the same way..then one day she..just blew it all down on me..like I was some card stack blown away with the wind..

Originally posted by Killer_Dennis
Well, When me and my ex were together, when she told me about how she was feeling sometimes, I would feel exactly what she felt. Wether she was sad, happy, mad, I would feel the same way..then one day she..just blew it all down on me..like I was some card stack blown away with the wind..

Such connections are dangerous. It allows some one close to some where they shouldn't be. That is why the consequences are catastrophic.

Originally posted by Killer_Dennis
Well, When me and my ex were together, when she told me about how she was feeling sometimes, I would feel exactly what she felt. Wether she was sad, happy, mad, I would feel the same way..then one day she..just blew it all down on me..like I was some card stack blown away with the wind.. ouch... im sorry

Originally posted by silvertsume
ouch... im sorry It's ok..I got over it after awhile..

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
Such connections are dangerous. It allows some one close to some where they shouldn't be. That is why the consequences are catastrophic. Yeah..I learned my lesson..

Originally posted by Killer_Dennis
Yeah..I learned my lesson..

how old when you learned it?

g2g, laterz! ^^

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
how old when you learned it? I was same age as now, but it was some months ago..around November last year

Originally posted by silvertsume
g2g, laterz! ^^ c-ya

Originally posted by Killer_Dennis
I was same age as now, but it was some months ago..around November last year

but you are young...I probably learned that around the same time you did. But mine was during a war like era.

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
but you are young...I probably learned that around the same time you did. But mine was during a war like era. I'l be alot more careful when I'm older..

Originally posted by Killer_Dennis
I'l be alot more careful when I'm older..

it's not how many times we fall that defines our character, but how many times we get back up.

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
it's not how many times we fall that defines our character, but how many times we get back up. Never wiser words spoken...

That's why i'm Emperor.

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
That's why i'm Emperor.

You know your sig...

I'm the light that blinds you while your awake

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
You know your sig...

I'm the light that blinds you while your awake ..that's the opposite

Yep;

And the grey is the one inbetween

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
Yep;

And the grey is the one inbetween Yeah..

War's tough on kids, just thought you should know.

Originally posted by sailormoon
Wow...you're a deep person! That's a good thing, buy the way. You sound like you're on the edge, you also sound like you're loosing hope. Don't give up! You'll make it through this!
Originally posted by HimoKun
That does hurt. Hope you get through it man.
I hope so too
Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
Never rely on others. They are destined to bring you down...
this is true

Papa Roach Lyrics

Scars Lyrics




I tear my heart open, I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is



I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance



I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

These aren't my words, but they describe pretty accurately how I feel. Any GC fan should have already read the interview this was talking from.

"Sometimes I feel like no one gets me at all. I seem pretty normal, but there's so much crazy obsessiveness going on in my head that I feel like no one would understand it if I talked to them about it... There's a sadness that follows me everywhere I go, even in the happiest of times."

- Joel Madden

I would like to thank those of you who give me hope that things will get better. Your concern and good wishes are very much appreciated and don't go unnoticed by my weird and random ass.

Where are all my "friends" when I need them?

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I would like to thank those of you who give me hope that things will get better. Your concern and good wishes are very much appreciated and don't go unnoticed by my weird and random ass.

your not weird

you are kind of random though

actually I am both

I said your not

lol okay I guess I'm not

good! Glad you finally saw it my way.

it hurts to be depressed. it hurts to be an empath. but holy shit, to be a depressed empath is NOT an ideal combonation. you must lose at least one of those demons, my man. it can be done and i have every confidence that you will. empathy is cool, but you must be good to # 1 first, my friend.

Good advice. I guess you're a prophet now bc I'm happy now. This las week has been pretty damn good. It seems like everyday only gets better and better. Some1 has given me reasons to smile again.

Ask yourself a question.. WWED? (What Would Evil Do?)

If you were I, I would put that b-itches number on men's bathroom stalls.. \m/ \m/

The only reason I havn't done that to that ass-f-uck Crystal yet is cause she knows the girl I currently like. There's connections there, and even though nobody likes that whore I don't want to commit hanus acts that would perhaps turn Amanda off to me. Then once I seize the prize I'll no longer have a desire to extract revenge anyway. So i'm resisting the urge because it's conveint for me..

However if you were just heartbroken and there is no hope to turn too, let out your passion and slay those who wronged you. You have my sympathys dude. Show no mercy! \m/ \m/

EVIL YOU ARE EVIL!!!


thats what I like about you

Originally posted by Big Evil
However if you were just heartbroken and there is no hope to turn too, let out your passion and slay those who wronged you. You have my sympathys dude. Show no mercy! \m/ \m/
sounds like a plan.




(is it possible to slay those who are already dead to me?)

What is there left to say that I haven't already?

Perhaps a synopsis of what you plan to do in the future...

I have always believed that 2 things would happen.

1)I would die before I reached 25 or

2) I'd die on my wedding day because I would truly be happy and because I dont "deserve" to be happy it would be taken away.

I am not 25 yet and I have no one. Right now I just live 1 day at a time.

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I have always believed that 2 things would happen.

1)I would die before I reached 25 or

2) I'd die on my wedding day because I would truly be happy and because I dont "deserve" to be happy it would be taken away.

I am not 25 yet and I have no one. Right now I just live 1 day at a time.

Ahhh, a patienent very rare to see those now a days. I don't bother to be one because, through my eyes, everyones the same. Isolation best describes my life.

I have loved with everything that is me, but NO ONE has ever loved me the way I loved them. I used to be this emotionless "doll" and sure enough I still had air pumping through my lungs, but I never felt truly alive until my ex happened upon my life. I don't want to be a hollow embodiment ever again.

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I have loved with everything that is me, but NO ONE has ever loved me the way I loved them. I used to be this emotionless "doll" and sure enough I still had air pumping through my lungs, but I never felt truly alive until my ex happened upon my life. I don't want to be a hollow embodiment ever again.

And be a fragile emotionfull being, relying on the good jestures and kindness of others?!?! Surely you have fallen farther than I have realized. I am not fully emotionless as I had hoped to be. Such a life is difficult with many a rational, however to be an arbitor you must have no loyalties. That in which I have mastered...

I do distance myself from others and push people away. I prolly wouldnt have to if I didn't let them get close in the first place. I think I am hopeless. A wasted effort. I have to say I come off as "okay" when I avoid talking about "ME."

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I do distance myself from others and push people away. I prolly wouldnt have to if I didn't let them get close in the first place. I think I am hopeless. A wasted effort. I have to say I come off as "okay" when I avoid talking about "ME."

Let me enlighten you on a saying, "He who eats alone, dies alone. But he does not die of hunger." People are but a detail in the grand scheme of survival. At times working alone doesn't cut it. You were born with nothing, and you shall leave with nothing. Learn to live alone. Your life, business, troubles are of your own, and of no one elses concern. Close yourself to the world, for the world has already closed the way for you....

I have 2 probs with your advice that I cant change about myself.

I dont like to lie and I dont like to be rude/mean.

I just realized something I am telling someone (YOU) stuff when apparently I shouldn't.

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I have 2 probs with your advice that I cant change about myself.

I dont like to lie and I dont like to be rude/mean.

I just realized something I am telling someone (YOU) stuff when apparently I shouldn't.

YOu don't have to lie, and silence is not rude/mean. Silence is golden. If my advice hurts you than perhaps my truths should be kept silent. For I have apparently contradicted myself...

You words don't hurt. The way you describe yourself makes it seem like you're just pitying me in a way, ya know?

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
You words don't hurt. The way you describe yourself makes it seem like you're just pitying me in a way, ya know?

*Bows respectfully* THan I apologize, I pity no one...

Can I ask you a question?

HONESTLY, how would you describe me?

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
Can I ask you a question?

HONESTLY, how would you describe me?

From what I have seen? You are a recovering man. You show it in your text. Not in the one when you say it, but the ones when you play around. A shell, searching for a fill. You hide your emotions well, but not well enough to conceal them from me. You place others before your self? You believe in God right? Well continue, because if everyone else fails, he wont. You live live life day by day. Begin to live it by the moment. That way you get everything out of life, even the worst times. Because even the bad times have something to teach. I may not know what your going through, or the pain you may be experiencing, but my cold hard exterior only protect the warm soft interior that I fear to share. I am here for all, even if no ones here for me. Just remember that...

woe ur good

Thankssssssss

I will remember that!

You seem wise. Do you practice what you preach? Most people dont including me.

well yah and ... ur in a couple of mine

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I will remember that!

You seem wise. Do you practice what you preach? Most people dont including me.

I despise hyporcits because they sicken me. The lucky ones are the ones inwhich I remove myself from their presence. They others, well leave a little darker but a little wiser...

uhhh pob

yes

* backs away*

DOn't worry, I don't hurt friends...

*sits down * ok

It's not that I dont want to listen to my own advice, I just have a hard time breaking my unhealthy habits

I think I'm going to open a therapist shop. *pulls up a a sofa and chair* Please sit. *pulls out notpad and pen and puts on disguise *

disguiseNow, vhat to you vant to tolk about?

*sits next to mistah devil * dont be so harsh pob

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
It's not that I dont want to listen to my own advice, I just have a hard time breaking my unhealthy habits

Time can be your best of friends, or worst of enemies...

Originally posted by tecknoyashi
*sits next to mistah devil * dont be so harsh pob

Truth can not be sugar coated. It is what it is...

* hugs md *

Pamper him, and he learns to feel pampered. Train him, mold him, break him to the new, and he will fight it. But that is not my place...

*stares at md *

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
I think I'm going to open a therapist shop. *pulls up a a sofa and chair* Please sit. *pulls out notpad and pen and puts on disguise *

disguiseNow, vhat to you vant to tolk about?
actually I'm okay now. People have got me distracted. So I guess we can talk about movies, sports, video games, girls, etc.
Originally posted by tecknoyashi
* hugs md *
hug

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
actually I'm okay now. People have got me distracted. So I guess we can talk about movies, sports, video games, girls, etc.

hug

No i'm good. If you have a problem, you know who to call *starts humming the ghost buster theme*...

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
No i'm good. If you have a problem, you know who to call *starts humming the ghost buster theme*...
I like that movie lots. "Who you gonna call?"

How old are you btw?

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
actually I'm okay now. People have got me distracted. So I guess we can talk about movies, sports, video games, girls, etc.

hug

blushing

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control. I dont know I guess I was hyper sensitive to everything. Every emotion I felt was intense in away that words can't really describe and yet I try. After all that has happened between my ex and me, I feel hollow, broken, curious, and hopeful and hopeless. I feel completely numb sometimes and other times I feel like there is some feeling left in my heart. It seems that pain and saddess are the most identifiable feelings inside of me. It feels like I am somehow drawn to the pain in others. I'm just rambling on about things I'm sure none of you can relate to so I'll stop. Aww i swwy

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I like that movie lots. "Who you gonna call?"

How old are you btw?

My age I never reveal, that math you must do...

....you're 15

*Bows* But my wisdom makes me seem ancient...

actually I just guessed you were 15. I can usually tell by the SN how old you are

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I have a confession to make. The reason why I stopped where I did was because it hurt too much to post more. I'd much rather bury my feelings than deal with them. Feeling numb is safe. I am getting confused again. Lost in the pain. There is this heavy sadness in my heart. A sadness that I have only felt once before. My ex and I were very much in love and we had this connection. Whenever she was hurting I coul feel it and I knew I had to go see her or call her to try and make her feel better. She was definitely the best thing that has happened to me, but also the the one thing that has hurt me more than anything. I dont think I'll ever recover. Before her I was dead on the inside. Breathing and able to function but not truly alive.

somewhat poetic

i think you'll recover just you was so caught up with this person you didnt think it would end like that. and now you dont know what to do to cope.
*offers hug*

kawaii

Originally posted by Your Angel
actually I just guessed you were 15. I can usually tell by the SN how old you are

Well it was a very good guess...

lol

im 14 i was dumped 2day

Originally posted by Puddin
im 14 i was dumped 2day

You don't seem so...emotional about it...

I cant cry

Ohhh, and why is that?

I dont know how and if i start i wont stop i would rather hurt on inside for life

i shouldnt have typed that.

whats going on in here?

What?

i dont know eather what is going on

Originally posted by Puddin
I dont know how and if i start i wont stop i would rather hurt on inside for life

So young to think like a hunter...to worry for ones own the that of others...those who achieve this level of learning live a long life of suffering. What's even scaryier, is your body learns to adapt to it...

Originally posted by Puddin
What?
I haven't been posting. I knw I missed some stuff. Why did you break up today? Was it over something trivial?

I just typed i was dumped and then some1 said you dont seem too emotional the princeofblades asked why i cant cry and i wrote why. srry 4 ruinin your thread

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I haven't been posting. I knw I missed some stuff. Why did you break up today? Was it over something trivial?

Ha, if it was trivial than perhaps they wouldn't have broken up. The growth of things...

Originally posted by Puddin
I just typed i was dumped and then some1 said you dont seem too emotional the princeofblades asked why i cant cry and i wrote why. srry 4 ruinin your thread

Lol, please call me PoB. I'm sure MD wont mind...

Originally posted by Puddin
I just typed i was dumped and then some1 said you dont seem too emotional the princeofblades asked why i cant cry and i wrote why. srry 4 ruinin your thread late post

md is sweet

.....

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
I haven't been posting. I knw I missed some stuff. Why did you break up today? Was it over something trivial? He said he didnt like how i talked with him and other ppl

Originally posted by Puddin
He said he didnt like how i talked with him and other ppl

He must of felt offened, or you we crossing a territorial line...

Originally posted by Puddin
He said he didnt like how i talked with him and other ppl
you needs elaborate on that one. it leaves too much for the mind to speculate

*hugs md *

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
you needs elaborate on that one. it leaves too much for the mind to speculate

No matter the details, I think I am close to if not correct with my assumption...

prolly PoB

Originally posted by PrinceofBlades
He must of felt offened, or you we crossing a territorial line...

yes, but he should have talked to her about it.

Originally posted by cindy8219
yes, but he should have talked to her about it.
we dont know the details and she took off so...

* tears run down face *

Originally posted by Mistah DEVIL
we dont know the details and she took off so...

i know but in any relationship communication is a must.

Originally posted by cindy8219
i know but in any relationship communication is a must.
yea communication IS important

Hey im back...well im always nice to ppl even ppl he hates and my bff told me he didnt like how i dress...and she even said he wanted to see me cry.

Originally posted by Puddin
Hey im back...well im always nice to ppl even ppl he hates and my bff told me he didnt like how i dress...and she even said he wanted to see me cry.
thats f'd up. He liked the way you dresssed when yall first started dating right? why did he change?

I guess for a reason to break up theres diff. possibilities

Originally posted by Puddin
I guess for a reason to break up theres diff. possibilities
are you as innocent as you're trying to come off as?

hey I have to go. see you guys friday.

Originally posted by joeykangaroo
somewhat poetic

i think you'll recover just you was so caught up with this person you didnt think it would end like that. and now you dont know what to do to cope.
*offers hug*

I think I'll take that hug now please

Hell I could use a hug right now

*screams*

*hugs*

*is caught off guard*

That was unexpected. It definitely changed my mood for the better. Lets hope it lasts.

For whatever reason "Untitled" by Simple Plan is playing in my head.

I am one big ball of confusion right now

I have just had a few startling revelations about myself. OMG I put up so many walls and hide behind this mask. A mask decorated with the fears I hold deep inside. For so much of my life I have pushed my true feelings deep inside. Instead of dealing with my issues I ignore them. As if ignoring them somehow makes them go away.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my moms death and up until this very moment I haven't really thought about it and how it makes me feel. Ever since she died my brother refuses to celebrate any holiday with the rest of our fam. I know that he wants to be close to ppl, but is afraid to let anyone get close. I TRY to open up to ppl, but this past week and a half kinda opened my eyes. As open as I might seem I'm more guarded than I have ever been. I cant even look ppl in there eyes when I talk to them. I have only been able to look 2 ppl in their eyes and they arent around anymore. I know that I want to be loved, but I dont see myself letting it happen. I second guess what ppl say to me all the time. Even myself at times. I dont think I'll ever feel truly wanted by anyone. I dont doubt that my mom cared about me, but I dont think that she loved me. I mean come on her last words to me were "I hate you Mario." That moment in my life is blurry, but it was if time stood still. Maybe it's just how I replay it in my mind. I can still see her walking away from me, tears falling and feeling in that instance she had given up on me. I've gotten to the point where I dont...let me rephrase. I CANT cry except for the pain of others. It's like I have accepted my life, the way that it is, as how it'll always be. If I had one chance to say anything to my mother I dont think I could come up with one thing to say to her.
I have even more abandonment issues when it comes to my father. He turned his back and gave up on me b4 I was even born. What could make him want to leave me? My mom always hated my brother's father and mine too. I spend a lot of time wondering what they did to hurt her so much that she'd hate them. I guess my dad and me have something in common.
I can honestly say, without hesitation, that I have only loved 2 ppl in my life. My brother and Annie. What would I do without my brother? OMG I'm ****ing crying. I worry about him all the time. He deserves to be happy. I hope to God that he finds happiness somewhere. Annie. I would have done anything for that girl. Anything. She built me up so high and watched me fall to pieces. I do know that she loved me. Where did things go wrong? If SHE could give up on me, then I cant help but believe that everyone else will. Which is why I push ppl away. I dont know its like the more you care about me, the harder I push you away. Then I find myself missing that person. How ****ed up is that? I spend hours trying to figure out wtf girls see in me when I feel so empty on the inside. Somewhere in my head I think I believe that they could be so much happier with someone else. A part of me wants to find that someone who will see past all my bullshit and love me with all my defects.
For whatever stupid reason I want ppl to like me. I dont know if I've always been this way, but it's been more obvious to me lately. My words are how I communicate and when they are ignored or arent received well it hurts. I used to find it so hard to express myself verbally, but a couple of past relationships helped me get past that. A plus and a negative for me that I tell ppl exactly how I feel. Its not always wise to say things in the moment without first thinking about how your words will affect he person they're directed at.
I only weigh 145 lbs. and I swear most of its my heart. I care so much about the ppl that I interact with. Whether it be on an everyday basis or a five minute conversation in passing. Compassion IS NOT a weakness at all. I guess I care so much because I dont want anyone to feel the things that I have felt. Hopeless, alone, unloved and that no one cares. At times its hard to be positive when I know all the suffering that ppl go through exists. This world we live in might be a dark place, but there is light sprinkled about. Smiles are contagious ppl!!
I guess I'm done venting for today. I know that I have things about myself that I need to work on, but for some reason I have a strong feeling that things are gonna get better.

Originally posted by Oiram62205
Because the people I come across generally find it easy to open up to me, I learn of the things that have hurt them. I am usually just there to listen. When I care about someone who tells me of there sorrows there pain literally becomes a part of me. There was a time in my life when I was 'overflowing' with so much that I couldn't even deal with my own issues and I shutdown. I was lost and confused. My emotions were out of control.

Same thing for me, it drives me insane.

.........right

wow, therapy in a thread. lol. no really, mario you know you can talk to me anytime

okies