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i was watching dylan moran: monster the other night and he came away with a classic quote about a taboo subject

testicular cancer

"its like looking for a lump...in a bag of lumps"



anyone got anymore...preferably stand up...

JFK: Now this top line translates into, "Pharoah gobbles donkey goobers," and the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty."

Bubba Ho-Tep

"I've never gotten a hole in one. But I did hit a guy. And that was much cooler. You're supposed to say "Fore" when something like that happens, but I was too busy saying "There's no ****ing way that's going to hit him..."

-Mitch Hedberg

"Do you have a flag?"

-Eddie Izzard

It doesn't make sense, but it's one of the funniest punchlines I've heard. Download some. I think that section is 'Cunning use of Flags'.

Bill Bailey on Vegetarians

"I'm a vegetarian. Though I do eat fish...And duck because y'know, they're basically fish, they spend most of their lives semi submerged. And cow and lamb and pork, basically anything that even lives near water. I eat meat - Ironically"

i havent had this much fun since I let rick james braid my hair-

chris rock- SNL


oh yeah and mitch hedberg was the man!! he died recently from a heart attack...last month i believe

Yeah I know, that was one of the shittiest days I've had all year (possibly in my whole life..) car broke down, had to miss class, got home , tried to get a tow truck to my house..walked inside and my bf said "Mitch Hedberg died today." God that sucked.....

But then I got really ****ed up.

Originally posted by Trickster
"Do you have a flag?"

-Eddie Izzard

It doesn't make sense, but it's one of the funniest punchlines I've heard. Download some. I think that section is 'Cunning use of Flags'.

it's about the English occupation of africa isn't it?

English guy: 'i claim this land for England' *sticks flag in ground*
Native: 'erm... we live here'
English Guy: 'do you have a flag?'

if not then thats another funny sketch i've heard

chris rock's skit on why not to hit a woman... brilliant...

"i'll never hit a woman... but i'll shake the shit out a one..."

sounds bad, but really isn't...

another good chris rock one

"people say to me (about the bad rep black people get in the hood)..."it aint us...its the media"...when i go to the cash machine at 2 oclock in the mornin...i aint lookin over my shoulders for the media...im looking over my shoulder for *******"

Originally posted by Trickster
"Do you have a flag?"

-Eddie Izzard

It doesn't make sense, but it's one of the funniest punchlines I've heard. Download some. I think that section is 'Cunning use of Flags'.

OMG I friggin LOVE Eddie Izard!! You know where you can DL his stuff?? Woudl LOVE a link!!

"why do so many people need health? life is not that complicated, you get up go to work, eat 3 meals, take one good shit, and you go back to bed. Whats the ****ing history? And the part i dont get, if your looking for self health, why would you read a book written by somebody else? thats not self-health, thats health. theres no such thing as self-health. If you did it yourself, you didn't need health. You did it yourself! try to pay attention to the language we all agreed on"

- George Carlin

Originally posted by jaden101
another good chris rock one

"people say to me (about the bad rep black people get in the hood)..."it aint us...its the media"...when i go to the cash machine at 2 oclock in the mornin...i aint lookin over my shoulders for the media...im looking over my shoulder for *******"

i love that one...

Originally posted by Df02
it's about the English occupation of africa isn't it?

English guy: 'i claim this land for England' *sticks flag in ground*
Native: 'erm... we live here'
English Guy: 'do you have a flag?'

if not then thats another funny sketch i've heard
English occupation of India, actually.

''You cant claim us, we live here''

''Do you have a flag''

''We dont need a bloody flag, we live here''

''No flag no country''

The great Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

"Hey, I see ya checkin out my goods, want a free sample? STAND AND DELIVER!!"

More Izzard!!

'My God man.. do they want tea?'

MILLA!! AAA!! Too Funny!

Eddie Izzard is the bomb! Milla, I've seen that one but I haven't got the clip personally (Darth Vader). Which show is he on? You gotta love the bit after the flags one,

''You cant claim us, we live here''

''Do you have a flag''

''We dont need a bloody flag, we live here''

''No flag no country, that's the rules.''

It doesn't sound funny, but then you just hear him say it...Originally posted by bilb
OMG I friggin LOVE Eddie Izard!! You know where you can DL his stuff?? Woudl LOVE a link!!
Not legally, Bilb. Give me an email address, I can maybe send you some?

Send me some stuff Trick!!

Trick.. you have mail

Originally posted by Trickster
Eddie Izzard is the bomb! Milla, I've seen that one but I haven't got the clip personally (Darth Vader). Which show is he on? You gotta love the bit after the flags one,


I cant remember. I have the damn thing somewhere

it may not be considered funny, but i think it is. May god have mercy on my enemies, for i surely wont- patton. By the way, every quote that comes from George C scott's mouth in that movie, is damn funny, and inspirational all at once. beautifull

"tonights forecast......dark"

george carlin

i'm dead sexeh!!!

-- fat bastard

"At a lot of restaurants you hear them say "Prices and participation may vary." I want to open a McDonald's that doesn't participate in shit. "You got cheeseburgers?" "Nope. We got spaghetti. And blankets. And we are in no way affiliated with that clown. He brings in too many kids."

"I was at a movie theater one time and someone told me I had to move because I was blocking a fire exit. If you have legs and are able to move, you are never blocking a fire exit."

-Mitch Hedberg

Originally posted by BackFire
The great Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

"Hey, I see ya checkin out my goods, want a free sample? STAND AND DELIVER!!"



my favorite carl quotes:
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"carl your hands!"

"yeah i know i seem 'em, theyre very big.
well im gonna go take a nap now and then im...uh...gonna call some hospitals..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(master shake is found dead in carl's pool)

"hey fryman i'm so sorry.....that i cant press charges"
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carl:hey, which one of you guys have been playin' "i like candy" for a frickin week?

frylock: it was your other neighbor.

master shake: meatwad.

carl: you know what? at this point, it doesn't matter. because it keeps running inside my head and it won't leave unless i blow it out..WITH A BULLET!

"I'm at that age where I'm starting to yell at the television. I was watching CNN and they were saying "...and there are new reports that Bush knew about the attack and..." I yelled "Oh, HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW" The thought of an attack was so absured Bin Laden could have called up and said "Hello George. Two planes will hit the world trade center. One will hit the pentagon. JIHAD JIHAD !!!!!" Only to be responded with "You wanna stop screwin' around Cheney I'm busy."

-Some random comedian