RotS Parody Script

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PVS

PVS
Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The
scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a
scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR
WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by
characters from the original trilogy.

CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.

EXT. UTAPAU

EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on
UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the
AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN
rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now,
without waiting for my support
troops to arrive.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost
literally every single duel you've
been a part of except for the one
with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly
mentions how many times he has saved
you. What have you done in the
entire prequel trilogy so far to
prove that you're actually a decent
fighter?

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So,
what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a
droid. Check it out, I have an
actual beating heart.

EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of
fire.

EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING
JACKSON

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on
some ass.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
No, go your room.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to
see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI
TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says
nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide
between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for
his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi
Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the best
acted scene between us is the one in
which we are in separate buildings
and have no lines?

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S
CHAMBER.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being
a manipulative mother****er.

IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a
threshold for the abuse I'll take.
And right now I'm a race car and you
got me in the red. I'm just saying
that it's ****in' dangerous to have
a racecar in the ****in' red. It
could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin'
mother****er, mother****er! Every
time my fingers touch my lightsaber
I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.

Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the
JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls
his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him
too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON twirls his
lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL
is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually
beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of
Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL,
which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back
onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force
lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke
that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind
telling how to save Natalie real
quick?

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
**** that, I'm killing this geezer
now.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial.
Killing him now would be.. er, well
it would be exactly the same as when
I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.

SAMUEL L. MOTHER****ING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm
going to kill him anyway.

HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall
which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF
SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.

PVS
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.

IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you
have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark
Side, there's no turning back. Go
kill all of the Jedi in the temple,
including the children.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi,
while the challenging task of murdering children can only be
undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.

EXT. UTAPAU

IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE
TROOPERS.

IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troop)
Alright men, shoot down the giant
Iguana.

IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.

CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.

They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have
survived that fall. Except a Jedi,
of course.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really
stupid. This movie really DOES
bridge the gap between the original
trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against
KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him.

KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot at less than
when the Jedi had to fight all of
the droids at the end of Attack of
the Clones! Somehow, they are
overpowering me, though!
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy.
Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the
separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them.

INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden
is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and
apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand.
Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain
this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would
never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were
sandpeople. Then he would kill them.
But he's definitely not a murderer
otherwise.

EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward
the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! I know you're not really
evil - you try to look evil by
glowering everywhere, but you really
just wind up looking confused all
the time! Come back to the Jedi
order!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
From my point of view, the Jedi are
stupid! I mean, really stupid! They
didn't know I was married to
Natalie, which Ian figured out in
seconds. They didn't know Ian was a
Sith. They asked me to get close to
him, knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the
assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by
Christopher Lee because "it's not in
his character." Face it, it's a
miracle the Jedi survived this long.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do
some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little
DUELLING, and finally a DUEL.

PVS
EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. If you jump over
to me, I will cut your shit off.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to
decide not to jump to the low ground
in front of you where I will be able
to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over
you and get my shit cut off!

He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Mother****er!

EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.

IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we
can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen
to have laying around for just such
an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN.
Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.

JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some
digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at
least a FEW frames of the film free
from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould
have delivered the twins, that would
be more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the
will to live.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does
know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?

NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a
completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other
than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy
watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She
DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if
you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in
Empire Strikes Back?

EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness
doesn't.

YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of
justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George
Lucas didn't actually have all six
films firmly in his mind when he was
making any given one, I need to
train you how to be a force ghost so
you can explain to Luke how Vader
killed his father.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the
mean time?

YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him.

YODA
Well, go watch over him from really
far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated
upright.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really
make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right
all along, and kill you right now.
Ah well.

IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over,
would you say that the prequel
trilogy was worth making?

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

END

Copyright 2005 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author's name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.

SpyCspider
awesome....i love it big grin

ShadowKing
...meanwhile

on Alderaan...home of unnecessarily floating islands of forest on a somewhat forested planet...

Jimmy Smits

Here my dear...hold this child who will be the daughter that
you and I will never even try to have on our own
Smile gleefully knowing her mother just died and her father is destroying children, green guys, and old dudes.

She will make us very happy and I see a future where I will send her
out to deliver the means for our victory against the empire...before we all go boom.

Tatooine desert...

Obi McGregor

I owed Watto a slave since Qui Gon cheated him out of Anakin but I will take him to the only family who has never known him, the step-uncle who could least give a crap about him and his cute but dopey wife. They will not even try to have children of their own knowing that Anakin could come back to snap his light saber at them. So let's just stare into the twin suns...because that's what you do when you want to blind yourself to the truth that none of these movies made sense anyways...

Reverand89
hahaha that is great

macgeek2005
People can do whatever they want with anything, but this is a little extreme.

The same person that was able to write that, is probably able to explain why Natalie Portman is the ugliest woman on the planet.

If someone can turn Revenge of the Sith into a parody, then they can turn anything into anything.

PVS
Originally posted by macgeek2005
People can do whatever they want with anything, but this is a little extreme.

The same person that was able to write that, is probably able to explain why Natalie Portman is the ugliest woman on the planet.

If someone can turn Revenge of the Sith into a parody, then they can turn anything into anything.

might i suggest that you try pulling the stick out of your derriere and have a sense of humor...just a thought.

Sith Master X
Good stuff. laughing out loud

JKozzy
Originally posted by PVS
might i suggest that you try pulling the stick out of your derriere and have a sense of humor...just a thought. Too true laughing out loud

DeVi| D0do
Hahaha! That was great! laughing

Obi-OneManShow
It's funny cos it's true...

and I liked ROTS (liked, not loved)

GABRIEL05
Originally posted by macgeek2005
People can do whatever they want with anything, but this is a little extreme.

The same person that was able to write that, is probably able to explain why Natalie Portman is the ugliest woman on the planet.

If someone can turn Revenge of the Sith into a parody, then they can turn anything into anything.

Look people make fun of Shakespear...MUTHA ****IN SHAKESPEAR!???!?!! If we can make fun of him we can make fun of Lucas. Here's my favorite part:

Wait, really? You mean, to hide him
from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name
Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's
birth planet, and put him in the
care of his actual relatives? It
would take like an hour of research
to track him down if the Empire
wanted him

DeVi| D0do
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To
actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than
you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

laughing

PVS
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force
choke you because I love you. Come
back to me baby.

that part had me rollin laughing out loud

Mist
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord.

laughing laughing laughing

darthmonkey9206
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.


eek! laughing

((The_Anomaly))
"Samuel, I rented the original Star
Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith
Lord."

LOL! omg, thats great...

PVS
the guy that wrote this is a pure f***ing genius!!!

*bows* i'm not worthy!!!!

Echuu
laughing

"HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the
children now! Whee!"

Insomnia
"Issue order... 69."
*mass orgy ensues*
"Erm, Wait- 66! 66!"
Clone trooper shouting in the background: "Is missionary ok??"

Anakin's body lays at the end of the slope, burning. Obi-wan chooses this, of all moments, to make him feel guilty about joining the sith.
"You were the chosen one!"
"BLEEH! BLEEH!" *Anakin's body bursts into flames and his eyes get all bloodshot.
"You were supposed to destroy the sith, not join them!"
*YEAAAGG! I'M DYING, DO YOU THINK I GIVE A FLYING ****??*
"I loved you, anakin!"
*smolder*
----
Sidious arrives, somehow manages to instantly locate Vader

"Here... dress him up in this suit."
"Where did you get that?"
"Uh... well..."
"Wow, it's so tight around the codpiece... is this specially fit?"
"No further questions... just take it to the hospital"
"What the hell... did you want him taller..."
"That is none of your business!"
"A cape? Sir, this seems kinda ga-."
"DO IT."

PVS
laughing out loud did you write that yourself insomnia? funny stuff

Insomnia
Yeah.
Except order 69 was something my friend initially came up with.

As for vader's suit, we were in burger king during lunch, and they had a huge cut-out with a popping-out codpiece... one thing led to another...

sith_darth_jay
lol

f***ing genius

neo313
lmfao

killing the children and the blockbuster thing were hilarious

GABRIEL05
He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Mother****er!

EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though
you are writhing in agony, I won't
do the humane thing and put you out
of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

Dresta
Originally posted by PVS
EWAN MCGREGOR


DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

that was the funniest bit

Dresta
Originally posted by PVS
EWAN MCGREGOR


DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I
am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting,
you killed her.

that was the funniest bit

Dresta
sorry about the double post embarrasment

PVS
triple post stick out tongue

Red Superfly
I love that site.

I've been using it for a ages now. Always brings a smile to my face.

queeq
I loved that killing-the-children-task-is-left-to-the-Dark-Lord-of-the-Sith thing... Outstanding!

Text-only Version: Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.