Chatterbox (LIBERTY COCKS RULE)

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§P0oONY
Seg 1 - Squirrel guy

Lazlow: "Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox,
where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller,
you're on Chatterbox."

Caller: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating."

Lazlow: "Naah, I really can't say I have."

Caller: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good
eating. Possum, raccoons, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty
good."

Lazlow: "Err, do you have anything else to say, or..."

Caller: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes
attached...it's like...a fortune cookie with wings.
Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like
goldfish...meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?"

Lazlow: "Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too
much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the
Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you
to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night."

Dormitron (commercial)

Woman: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-
hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage."

Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"

Woman: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my
mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!"

Man: "Except for exercising and eating right, porky!"

Woman: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new
technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The
Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms
and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the
special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn
those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've
lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!"

Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!"

Male Voice: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being
fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron
now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit http://www.sleepofflard.com
http://www.sleepofflard.com, and sleep your way to a
thinner, happier you!"



Maibatsu Monstrosity (commercial)

Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to
work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that
can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just
makes me feel better!"

Woman: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!"

Seg 2 - Fake name woman

Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I..I love commercials, don't
you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now.
Hello caller, you are on the air."

Caller: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?"

Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!"

Caller: "Are you Hungarian?"

Lazlow: "Eh-heh...nooo, I'm from up-state."

Caller: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I
thought all those radio people had fake names!"

Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just...sit here all day
and talk about my name?"

Caller: "No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or
Beverly, whatever your name is."

Seg 3 - Vegetable man

Lazlow: "Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your
mind?"

Caller: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're
known back home."

Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice,
that's on later!"

Caller: "Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been
trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget
fighting ***** for the last two years. And it is impossible... impossible I tell ya!"

Seg 4 - Jane difficult parent

Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on
the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being
a parent today. Hello Jane..."

Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to
say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids
minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mummy,
mummy, where's the reset button?.' Kids these days, they think
life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very
serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around
the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to
go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame,
called Pogo the Monkey..."

Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one..."

Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana
cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a
fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames.
Lazlow...life does not have a reset button!"

Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *beeeeep* "I love that button."

Seg 5 - SPANKed up guy

Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if
you're in our key demographic."

Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment
together."

Lazlow: "Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox."

Caller: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for
you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh,
you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you
pansy!"

Lazlow: "Err...what's your question?"

Caller: "SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!"

Lazlow: "Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question.
Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and
they end with your voice going up like this..."

Caller: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the
rest!"

Lazlow: "How's that?"

Caller: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us.
Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a
day? I..I've read books!"

Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that
toothpaste is evil?"

Caller: "Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay
Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've
heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!"

Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes
you go crazy in later life..."

Caller: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary,
you pansy!"

Lazlow: "Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love
Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note,
it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to
say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from
Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important
messages..."

Caller: "Sell out!"

Equinox (commercial)

Woman: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes
I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or
a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help
navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered
Equinox!"

Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me
down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox,
I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to
fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never
need to sleep."

Male Voice: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your
doctor about Equinox...today."

Male: Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred
vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do
not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a
car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a
history of mental disorders.

Male Voice: "Equinox...softening life's harsh realities!"

Liberty City Survivor (commercial)

Male Voice: "Tonight...the TV event that will make history...Liberty City
Survivor! This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll
take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade
launchers and flamethrowers...and let them hunt each other
down!! It's the reality show where you...just might be...part
of the action!!"

Man: "I was grabbing a sandwich in the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden
these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each
other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After
that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day
in the hospital!"

Male Voice: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left
standing!! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24hour live
webcast!......Liberty City Survivor!!......Natural selection...has
come home!!....... Sponsored by AmmuNation.
Please remember to put litter in it's place

Deano
spooney you crazy sick s.o.bbig grin

§P0oONY
Originally posted by Deano
spooney you crazy sick s.o.bbig grin

sadwalk

Deano
i didnt mean to upset ya..here have a chocalate ecclairsmile

§P0oONY
Seg 6 - Short guy

Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline,
and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox..."

Caller 1: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RUUULE!!!"

Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox."

Caller 2: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are
made from sand."

Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on
Chatterbox."

Caller 3: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well,
you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the
frigging cheesy-swirls at the grocery store."

Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against
ya, I mean..."

Caller 3: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego-
maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other
people talk for a change? You're all the same you giants, 'oh,
I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall
stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf, hey, what's the
weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you
get that, your closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?' Who do you think
you are?!?!? Short people are people too!!!"


Seg 7 - Gun caller

Lazlow: "Al-right, another award-winning show on Chatterbox. Today we're

talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say
about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox"
Caller: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions,
that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And
stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about
'guns kill people,' guns don't kill people, death kills people.
Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet.
You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major
hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I
only use my machine-gun in the safety of my own home and car. I
ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't
American."

Lazlow: "Y-you know that's a really good point. Countries that don't
have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns,
we'd have less shootings in this country."

Seg 8 - Taxes

Lazlow: "Alright, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are
on Chatterbox."

Caller: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes."

Lazlow: "You mean...the lone-star state?"

Caller: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My
father worked his whole life, he played the Lottery, and now the
state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that
stuff. Buy your own Lottery tickets, you know, hey!?!"

Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all."

Seg 9 - English guy

Lazlow: "Alright, hello, you are on Chatterbox."

Caller: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to
Liberty City from Hampshire, in England."

Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used
to the language? Y-you speak English pretty good."

Caller: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, yes I do like it here. There's one
thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I
was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict,
Lazlow."

Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in
America, eeerr...you know?"

Caller: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when,
when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I...I would get spanked.
N...nanny...nanny would spank me...when I was naughty, and now...now
Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to
get spanked."

Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that
spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development."

Caller: "Ab..ab...absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny.
He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty
boy."

Lazlow: "How...how old is your son?"

Caller: "Excuse me?"

Lazlow: "How old is your son?"

Caller: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But
Freddy needs a nanny..."

Lazlow: "Alright, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green
card?"


Seg 10 - Sine & Cosine guy

Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we're talking about short guys, nannies,
taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello,
you are on Chatterbox."

Caller: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a
little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of
society if you don't understand how the government spends your
money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and Cosine are two
of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the
Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find
invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it."

Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our
audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we
come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he
advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict
of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be
right back after this message."

House of Tomorrow (commercial)

Female Voice: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the
difference between achieving your dreams....."

Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!"

Female Voice: "...and not..."

Man (yokel): "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight?!"

Female voice: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest
and greatest technological devices...you will fall behind!"
Man 2: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was
diagnosed with a terminal illness! *cough* ...!"
Female Voice: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly
people at House of Tomorrow...and they'll set you up with
all your twenty-first century technology needs."

Man 3: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or
surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my
daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games...thanks to
House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual
reality poker...literally anywhere!"

Female Voice (posh): "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of
absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at
House of Tomorrow! Remember...only technology makes
life worth living. House of Tomorrow. We'll upgrade
your system then you can upgrade your life!"

§P0oONY
Originally posted by Deano
i didnt mean to upset ya..here have a chocalate ecclairsmile

Yum no expression

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