The Adventures of Cielo

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Chapter 1: The Falcon, the Princess, and the Temple

-The land of Igros is made up of a Contanent and 4 major islands. The Contanent is known as the mainland or Igros and the 4 Islands are called North Island, South Island, West Isle, and East Isle. Humans live only on the mainland and it has been that way for 2,000 years. On the islands live animals but not the kind we're use to. These animals can walk and talk like humans. Each island has a specie and 3 types of that specie of animals.
North Island= Feline Isle
1= Lions
2= Panthers
3= Cheetahs
South Island= Bird Isle
1= Falcons
2= Eagles
3= Hawks
West Isle= Prim-ape Island
1= Ape
2= Monkey
3= Chimp
East Isle= Canine Island
1= Wolf
2= Coyote
3= Dog
Each Island has an Elder which is the leader of that entire Island and in the middle of the 4 Isles is a small island where the elders meet. The Islanders (as the mainlanders call them) live like the people of Earth did in the Middle-Ages but they have high-tech weapons. The mainlanders live like we due today expect they have a King and Queen and a Council known as the 12 Wise Men.
The elders are meeting for the first time in 60 years because of a great threat. Leo the Lion has become violent and is trying to collect the 12 Zodiac Crystals.
These Zodiac Crystals together create an unlimited amount of power that no other force can equal. But no one has ever collected the 12 Zodiac Crystals because they are each hidden away in a Temple. 3 temples are found on each Island-

-Meeting of the Elders-

Prim-ape Elder: Leo must be hunted down and stopped now!
Bird Elder: I agree but he has an army now.
Canine Elder: Army or no army he must be stopped.
Feline: No one else has ever collected the 12 Zodiac Crystals so how could he?
Bird Elder: Leo is a power foe that has studied all forms of combat. We need are greatest warriors to defeat him!
Prim-ape Elder: I agree!
Canine: So do I!
Feline Elder: We should each have are Island's greatest warriors team up to defeat Leo.
Prim-ape Elder: Then Kong the Ape will be my pick.
Feline Elder: I chose Roll the Panther for my isle.
Canine Elder: Angel the Coyote will clearly prove worthy.
Bird Elder: Then I will pick Cielo the Falcon. Let us go back and tell them to meet on South Island since records show that their temples are the easiest.
Elders: Agreed.

-South Island is home to the Bird Tribe and the princess of Igros herself has come to the island for some vacation time-

Falcon Chief: Princess Destinie Igros. Welcome.
Destinie: What a lovely place.
Falcon Chief: I due hope you find your stay enjoyable.
Destinie: I hope so to.

-The Bird Elder walks up to the Falcon Chief-

Falcon Chief: Great elder. The princess has arrived.
Bird Elder: Please to meet you. Where is Cielo.
Falcon Chief: Over their. CIELO!!

-Cielo runs over to the three-

Cielo: Yeah?
Bird Elder: You have been chosen to be one of the four to stop Leo. Tomorrow when everyone arrives go to the Zodiac Temple Aries and get the Zodiac Crystal. You have been briefed on this before.
Cielo: Great elder I can do this temple alone.
Bird Elder: No. You may get hurt.
Cielo: I can do it.
Bird Elder: Not alone.
Destinie: I'll go.
Falcon Chief: Milady you wouldn't be of any help.
Destinie: Sure I can. I have healing magic and can help Cielo in any trouble. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Bird Elder: Healing magic? That would be useful. Very well.
Cielo: No way! I can't fight and protect her.
Destinie: Please Cielo.

-She kisses Cielo-

Cielo: ...ummm I-I say...let h-her come!
Destinie: Hehe.
Falcon Chief: Alright then Cielo. Protect Princess Destinie at all costs.
Cielo: No problem. Come on milady.

-Destinie and Cielo run up the hill and stop at the temple's entrance-

Cielo: Ready?
Destinie: Sure.

-Cielo pulls out his electro staff and checks it then runs into the temple followed by Destinie. The two walk through a long hallway-

Destinie: So...Cielo. Best warrior huh?
Cielo: Yeah.
Destinie: You must be in around thrity.
Cielo: I'm seventeen.
Destinie: Oh. Only one year older then me and you did so much already.

-Enters a huge room with the doorway leading to the alter on the wall deep in a pit-

Destinie: Now what?
Cielo: I see a lever up their but I don't know if I can reach it.
Destinie: I can see a lot of wind coming out of that hole so maybe I can cast a barrier around you and you can float up their.
Cielo: ...worth a shot.

-A barrier appears around Cielo as he jumps in the small pit and gets thrown up and hits the temple's roof but reaches the edge with the lever. Cielo pulls the lever and a bridge appears and connects with the doorway that leads deeper into the temple. Cielo jumps back down and the two walks across the bridge and continues going into the temple-

-Cielo and Destinie entered into a round room and the doors slamed shut. Destinie tries to open a door-

Destinie: It's lock!

-3 huge Stone Warriors appear out of the ground and Cielo activates his electro staff-

Cielo: Time to have some fun.
Stone Warriors: Thy shall not pass.

-Cielo charges at a Stone Warrior and attacks. The SW punches downward at Cielo but the Falcon dodges and slices off the SW's head and the body becomes dust. Another SW attackes Destinie but she casts a barrier around her and Cielo ran over to the SW slicing off its right arm. The two SWs turned and got on both sides of Cielo-

Cielo: So two on one huh? No problem. I'm not the best warrior in my island for nothing. Heaven's Circle!!

-Cielo spins around and a white circle surrounds him. Cielo stops and lifts up his left hand and the circle rose over Cielo. The SWs looked at the circle as Cielo pointed his left hand at the SW with both his arms and the white circle sliced it in two and the SW turned to dust. The last SW tried to punch Cielo but he jumped up and the Heaven's Circle flew under Cielo and sliced the last SW in two and it turned to dust-

Cielo: Too easy for me.
Destinie: That was...amazing. What...what was that?
Cielo: I call it Heaven's Circle. It's my ultimate move.

-The doorway opens up-

Cielo: Come milady. The Zodiac Crystal waits for no one.
Destinie: Alright.

-Cielo and Destinie continue onward-

-The two arrived at a huge room where the Zodiac Crystal, Aries sits on an alter-

Destinie: Look! There's the Zodiac Crystal!!
Cielo: What the...? My name is Cielo and we're here for the Zodiac Crystal.

-A huge red ram with glowing green eyes appeared behind the alter after the Zodiac Crystal vanished-

Destinie: The Zodiac Crystal is on its forehead!!
Cielo: Leave it to me.

-Cielo spilt his electro staff into two and Aries started charging. Cielo jumped to the side and Aries hit the wall as it started to crack. Cielo grabbed on to Aries's tail and climbs up and runs up his back. Aries started to hit the walls over and over again. Cielo managed to get to his head and started slashing it with his two electro swords. Aries went through the south wall where Cielo and Destinie came in from and started to run down the hallway. Destinie casted a barrier around Cielo as the roof in the hallway caved in. Cielo climbed to the top of Aries's head and begins to try and take out the crystal but Aries went over the cliff-

Cielo: AAAAHHHH!!!!

-Cielo wakes up at the bottom of the cliff and sees Aries standing up and looking at him-

Cielo: Sorry. I must have that crystal at all costs.

-Aries charged at Cielo but the young Falcon docked under Aries's leg as the ram hit the cliff's wall. Boulders from above started to cave in and begun to trap Aries. Aries was pinned down for now. Cielo again got on his head and tried to get the Zodiac Crystal. Aries freed himself and ran widely across the cliff's floor. Destinie arrived at the cliff's top and could barely see Aries down below. Cielo leaped off Aries-

Cielo: You asked for it!! HEAVEN'S CIRCLE!!!

-Cielo combines his two elecrto swords into one and creates his Heaven's Circle and throws it at Aries still in the air-


-Aries opened his mouth and a huge ball of energy whipped out the Heaven's Circle-

Cielo: No way!!

-Aries started to fire the energy balls at Cielo one after another. Cielo recreated his Heaven's Circle and right after Aries fired another blast Cielo throw the Heaven's Circle followed by another. The first one exploded with the Zodiac Blast but the second sliced Aries's head in two-


-Aries vanished and the Zodiac Crystal fell to the ground. Cielo picked up the crystal. Cielo looked around and saw a pathway and took it. Cielo arrived at an elevator and took it to the top floor and a hidden passage opened up next to Destinie-

Destinie: Cielo!!
Cielo: I got the Zodiac Crystal.
Destinie: Let's get out of here.
Cielo: I'm with you.

You have to make a decision. Either tone the violence down and make it a book for the pre-teens, or edit it, get more descriptive, and grab a thesaurous if you want to stick with the older crowd.

Either way, lose the script format, it's degrading to authors everywhere.

I don't see the huge violence you are talking about. And where does it say anywhere that you can't have in in script format. I like this story.

Well, I started out reading the preface, which got me interested. Then, I began to read the story, and I stopped reading. There were two main reasons.

1) You have too many grammar and spelling errors. (I counted four in the first five lines.)

2) You wrote in script format. I hate script format.

Captain REX
Script format is just not writing, I'm afraid. erm

You need to practise writing more conventionally, Arbiter. It might seem enough to write dialogue in script format, but this approach is very bland for people to read. You are obviously very creative and have some very nice ideas though. You just need to improve your ability to put those ideas on paper.

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