Kids Say/Do The Darndest Things

Whether it's made up or true, in this thread you post silly, stupid, funny, weird or anything else that kids do.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him:

"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during th Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room.

I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

😂

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

someone at work was talking about her granddaughter singing the song "hungry Eyes" from dirty dancing,.. but instead of saying hungry eyes she was saying Hungry ass

they were telling about history in the first grade class when a girl brought up jonah and the whale......

teacher said "that didnt happen dear, thats just a bible story"

the girl replied " it did, my sunday school teacher told me"

teacher said "it cant. a whales' throat is too narrow to swallow a human"

the girl said" when i get to heaven i'll ask jonah and he'll tell me"

teach asked, "what if jonah went to hell?"

quickly the girl snapped, " then you ask him"

a girl at work was talking about her son. she said everytime she takes hi m anywhere, if he talks to someone he asks what their mommas' name is.

she told about when she took him to a local wal-mart and the security office at the door. said, hey little man, whats your name?

he replied,"Jacolby, whats yours?"

the officer said "i'm officer Mike"

quickly her son said "what's your mommas' name?"

the same co-worker was talking about her neice who loves candy. when someone comes in, she will ask for candy. no matter what is asked, her responce is "CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Originally posted by justjakk
they were telling about history in the first grade class when a girl brought up jonah and the whale......

teacher said "that didnt happen dear, thats just a bible story"

the girl replied " it did, my sunday school teacher told me"

teacher said "it cant. a whales' throat is too narrow to swallow a human"

the girl said" when i get to heaven i'll ask jonah and he'll tell me"

teach asked, "what if jonah went to hell?"

quickly the girl snapped, " then you ask him"

😆

the Hell one and the CHicken one are the best 😆

a little boy was waiting for her mother to get through a ticket booth.

The mother kept saying " My pass is stuck".

The man behind them was getting impatient and saying what's taking so long and the little boy said " my mother's ass is stuck".

My 3 year old sister regularly gets scores of 400+ playing this game... playing by herself...

http://www.netives.com/Games/Marbles/Play.shtml

We went to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory today & I asked my five year old did she like the movie.. she said yeah but not when Augustus got trapped in the tube after being sucked up from the chocolate river.. I said 'but that was funny!!" and she said very emphatically " No its not mama.. thats DANGEROUS!!!'

The other day we were driving somewhere and my duaghter was playing with her doll in the car.. making the doll talk INCESSANTLY!! My four year old looks at her & says 'Can you please make your baby shut up? "

😆 😆 😆

hahaha bilb 😂

the frist one takes the cake, cat humor rules( humor about cats, because cats suck). although I do'ntget any of just jakk's jokes, I think you might have left out a couple of parts

a 10 yr old girl with a lisp walks into a pet store and walks to the cashier
she asks the cashier,"s'cuse me sthir,would you have any wittle wabbits?"
the clerk was so charmed by this that he came around the counter ask knelt in front of the girl and asked.." well wittle girl, would you wike a white wabbit, a bwown wabbit or the furwwy bwack wabbit in the window?"

the girl knelt in close, put her hands on her knees, and whispers the reply, "i dont fink my pet pyphon weawwy dives a thit."

Originally posted by Whittdawg92
the frist one takes the cake, cat humor rules( humor about cats, because cats suck). although I do'ntget any of just jakk's jokes, I think you might have left out a couple of parts

the first one was a joke....basically the girl was telling her teacher to go to hell and ask him if jonah was going to hell.

the other two were actual stores...they really happen.....the boy really asks people what their mommas' name is and the girl actualy says her name is "CANDY!!""