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right dont be mean and just pass my poetry if u think it is crap.

Assasin
Creeping slowly in the darkness
hidden in the shadows
He waits for the right moment
on which to make his move
He finds his target
Attaches the silencer to his pistol
and pulls the trigger
the trigger makes the hammer strike and the bullet is away
It hits the target in the head and strait into the brain
One shot was all it took

Srry it is so dark and evil but they wont all be like this

I find this one has lots of imagery Lol and don't worry about if its dark and evil or not... I kinda felt that way a couple times this weekend myself...

Originally posted by Coldfire
I find this one has lots of imagery Lol and don't worry about if its dark and evil or not... I kinda felt that way a couple times this weekend myself...

thx i feel that way most of the time at skool Coldfire hug

feel free to add comments and your own poetry

Originally posted by supernovadragon
thx i feel that way most of the time at skool Coldfire hug
That's not right at all... Although I've felt like that at school many a time myself....

Originally posted by Coldfire
That's not right at all... Although I've felt like that at school many a time myself....
well if u went to my skool and stayed in my class u would understand

Originally posted by supernovadragon
well if u went to my skool and stayed in my class u would understand
I already do understand hun... my class has got to be one of the worst I've seen... and they get worse as the years go on... My what a world we live in eh?

Originally posted by supernovadragon
right dont be mean and just pass my poetry if u think it is crap.

But if those who think your poetry is bad do not judge it and offer advice on improving it, how will you grow and learn as a poet? IMO, your 'Assasin' poem, could have used some softer words to create more of a flow for the reader to follow, especially on the line: "Attaches the silencer to his pistol". Please don't be offended, I'm trying to help you, in no way am I trying to be cruel.

Originally posted by intoxicatedpoet
But if those who think your poetry is bad do not judge it and offer advice on improving it, how will you grow and learn as a poet? IMO, your 'Assasin' poem, could have used some softer words to create more of a flow for the reader to follow, especially on the line: "Attaches the silencer to his pistol". Please don't be offended, I'm trying to help you, in no way am I trying to be cruel.
I'm afraid I have to agree with you; only others who read your poetry can help you improve yes

Offering advice is not meant to be cruel... Like intoxicatedpoet here did with one of my poems... and after I changed what he suggested it sounded better

ok u can say stuff to help me improve, oh and wtf does IMO mean

Originally posted by supernovadragon
ok u can say stuff to help me improve, oh and wtf does IMO mean
Ok good IMO means 'in my opinion' yes

Very Freakin Awesome dude! glad to see your thread up and runnin! hahaha bring it on!

It's short and the imagery fits, I especially like the line "the trigger makes the hammer strike and the bullet is away", and, like ap said, to set the tone even better you could probably use some more effective words to replace "waits", etc.
Otherwise, well done. More. XD

Thx guys u are all the best

Bass Songs
The feel
The Rattle
The shaking
U know its bass
When u get that bass feeling

haha nice. yeah, be careful about anger and schools dude. had a big problem with mine till 11th grade. wanted to take out most of my class, and sought some counseling. if it is getting you that angry, go talk to your school counselor or to a minister. get it out. and bring some more poems man!

Cars
The speed
The Sound
The adrenaline
Gone in 10 seconds
well it not really good but atleast it is a poem.

neat. do one on swords, if you will.

Swords
The crisp, sharp blade
The shining metal
The soft handle
The Beauty
The craftsmanship
The Killing
This on goes out to dreaming warrior

Thank you dude! nice work. hahah!

Originally posted by supernovadragon
Swords
The crisp, sharp blade
The shining metal
The soft handle
The Beauty
The craftsmanship
The Killing
This on goes out to dreaming warrior
Tis very nice

Let's be honest, shall we? Imagine a child learning to ride a bike for the first time. Would you A) use training wheels...or B) send him/her down a steep hill and hope for the best?

a)

I got b. and swimming was learned by being thrown into the 12 foot section, so hey, there ya go.

James! more!

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
I got b. and swimming was learned by being thrown into the 12 foot section, so hey, there ya go.

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
I got b. and swimming was learned by being thrown into the 12 foot section, so hey, there ya go. You're quite the humourist, aren't you. Very well, if you feel improvements are not needed, I shall refrain from reviewing this poster's pieces as it will most likely go unheard, unheeded, and unnoticed.

Smile, you're on "bland"-ed camera.

well of course improvements are needed; I don't think any one of us can create a perfect poem... and he is new at it, so give him a bit of a break alright?

Originally posted by Coldfire
well of course improvements are needed; I don't think any one of us can create a perfect poem... and he is new at it, so give him a bit of a break alright? If I didn't like you, I think you were being...nice to me.

I'm not so naive as to think there is a "perfect" poem. No such beast exists. Even bad poems or poetry needs improvements. So I ask you this: "If all he ever gets are "nice" "awesome" "nicely done number one" do you think he'll feel the need to improve? Quick! The clock ticks as you think on that.

Hey, bossk. bring more dude.

Originally posted by NunYahBidness
If I didn't like you, I think you were being...nice to me.

I'm not so naive as to think there is a "perfect" poem. No such beast exists. Even bad poems or poetry needs improvements. So I ask you this: "If all he ever gets are "nice" "awesome" "nicely done number one" do you think he'll feel the need to improve? Quick! The clock ticks as you think on that.
If you feel there is much lacking in his poems, then by all means tell him what he could improve

seriously.

Originally posted by Coldfire
If you feel there is much lacking in his poems, then by all means tell him what he could improve Maybe some poetry courses would be a start. Beyond that, there isn't much for me to say.

Anger
My hands r shaking
My ears keep picking up that annoying voice
The taunts keep coming
I feel like lasing out, striking the person
Punching, kicking, throwing them to the ground
but that is assualt and thats the thought that keeps me from going that far
Suddenly i lose it
it is like a storm
and it is homeing down on this one person
The teacher sees it and im sent to the principals office
EXPELLED

Very much the school bullied's theme. We take so much and then go ballistic. Cool man.

ever try haiku? 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. 3 stanzas, and there is more to it, but that is the basics.

Originally posted by supernovadragon
Anger
My hands r shaking
My ears keep picking up that annoying voice
The taunts keep coming
I feel like lasing out, striking the person
Punching, kicking, throwing them to the ground
but that is assualt and thats the thought that keeps me from going that far
Suddenly i lose it
it is like a storm
and it is homeing down on this one person
The teacher sees it and im sent to the principals office
EXPELLED
I like the emotion in it yes

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
Very much the school bullied's theme. We take so much and then go ballistic. Cool man.

ever try haiku? 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. 3 stanzas, and there is more to it, but that is the basics. i always thought haiku was 5,7,5 words...not syllables. and 3 lines

Originally posted by NunYahBidness
Maybe some poetry courses would be a start. Beyond that, there isn't much for me to say.

Case and point. Then don't say anything.


Originally posted by supernovadragon
Anger
My hands r shaking
My ears keep picking up that annoying voice
The taunts keep coming
I feel like lasing out, striking the person
Punching, kicking, throwing them to the ground
but that is assualt and thats the thought that keeps me from going that far
Suddenly i lose it
it is like a storm
and it is homeing down on this one person
The teacher sees it and im sent to the principals office
EXPELLED

Not bad. If my opinion is worth anything, I suggest you lose some of the plain verbs, like "is" ermm You can remove "it is" before "like a storm" for a more dramatic effect, and "hands shaking" instead of "my hands are shaking", or something of the sort- having less distractive/ unnecessary words can surprisingly make a difference.
But you're on a good path for a beginner, ignore the hater

thx guys and thought of the haiku poem.












it is going to be on























SAMURAI
One of my most favourite subjects

Samurai
Loyal and brave
Holding his katana high
Cutting the blue sky

Originally posted by supernovadragon
Samurai
Loyal and brave
Holding his katana high
Cutting the blue sky
good, but the second line, isn't it supposed to have 5 syllables??

thx coldfire

You're welcome

what on earth is a sonnet

it goes ABABCDCDEFEFGG in rhythm and has 14(?) syllables per line I believe...

indeeed. thanks cold. IE; lines 1 adn 3 rhyme, 2 and 4, 5 and 7, 6 and 8, 9 and 11, 12 adn 14, and the last two. all but the last generally pose a question or are ambiguous and the last 2 lines kinda sum it up. or answer the question. try it out dude!

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
indeeed. thanks cold. IE; lines 1 adn 3 rhyme, 2 and 4, 5 and 7, 6 and 8, 9 and 11, 12 adn 14, and the last two. all but the last generally pose a question or are ambiguous and the last 2 lines kinda sum it up. or answer the question. try it out dude!
Yep... but doesn't each line need to have like 10 syllables or something??

i think i will skip doing a sonnet for now, any other types of poetry i should try

God nothing i cant think of anything

hahaha yeah. well, just an idea. haha... hmmm... bring on some more of your freeverse, mon frere!

For the life of me...have we forgotten Poetry 101? A sonnet is a fourteen line poem. The last two lines being as what DW stated. And it consists of a 4 line stanza. 3 stanzas and the last two line. 10 syllables to a line. And lines 1 and 4 match, 2 and 3 match.

So it goes A,B,B,A for the three stanzas then the last remaining two. Got it! Good! There will be an oral and a written exam at the end of the day.

TY, nun, for the final word.

Originally posted by NunYahBidness
For the life of me...have we forgotten Poetry 101? A sonnet is a fourteen line poem. The last two lines being as what DW stated. And it consists of a 4 line stanza. 3 stanzas and the last two line. 10 syllables to a line. And lines 1 and 4 match, 2 and 3 match.

So it goes A,B,B,A for the three stanzas then the last remaining two. Got it! Good! There will be an oral and a written exam at the end of the day.
Hmm well that's not what I thought... *shrugs* Well whatever lol Bring on da poems James

Coffee
The taste
The rush
The Black Liquid
It is all that is keeping me awake
on this late night

If i didnt have it
I would be flat on my face
Asleep
In the state of the nightmares
That come to me every time i sleep

well u guys have been waited and i have got a new poem for u
Enjoy

Rock music
The Gutiar
The Bass
The drums
The Rock Spirit
It is one of the best forms of music
And it is Kewlness

I love Rock music rock on

Man im on a roll........oh fcuk writers block

Lonelynes
Im by myself
sitting in the corner of the room
wanting out, nothing to do
going more insane by the minute
start screaming, kick and puching to walls for a way out
but to no prevail
then u came along
And let me out

3 poems in one night, im going good
Yay for me

Suicide
The regret has gone
The impulse to cut, stab, slash
Closure to miserable life
The knife on my wrist
Press down hard and cut
bleeding
Getting dizzy
fainting
waking
in a hospital
annoyed
u live
but for how long.......

No iv neva tried suicide
but have considered it

Car Crash
The Depression
Hatred for the killer
Angrey at the world
And at yourself
nothing u can do
feeling helpless
sadness taking over
suicide
hate
evil thoughts and plans
life is one big bastard

Yes i have lost a realitive to a car crash
It was my aunt and she died before i was born

btw i will be publishing my assessment poem for school here soon so watch this space

Cold
Keeping me awake
Trying not to get too cold
keeping myself warm
till i give up and die
me body heat drops
and i lie still on the grass

6 poems in one night that is my best score yet

cool moves man.

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
cool moves man.
Thx for ya comments

I liked the suicide one oddly enough lol. Have you ever tried writing some poems that are a bit longer?

Originally posted by Coldfire
I liked the suicide one oddly enough lol. Have you ever tried writing some poems that are a bit longer?

thx Coldfire, i will try to make them longer ok

Originally posted by supernovadragon
thx Coldfire, i will try to make them longer ok
sounds good to me

Yes i have changed my name

hahaha... um . yeah.

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
Yes i have changed my name
I knew it right away

This is my Poetry assesment poem for Year 9 poetry.

Samurai

The brave warriors of Japan
Loyal to their Emperor
Unafraid to fight any man
Even a kinght or a templar

Fought with honour
Fought with pride
Died with honour
Died with pride

Fought to the end
Never ran from battle
A quick death to his enemy he would send
And slaughter them like cattle

Holding his special blade
Katana was its name
A sword which many enemies it had slayed
And the owner should be sane

In the art of busido they were trained
Their armour was like no other
While their emperor"s glory reined
The flame of the enemy they would smother

To run from battle is a crime
Punishable by death
The Samurais coming at you is a sign
That you were taking your last breath

This poem is dedicated to ColdFire.

a good piece, just a bit o work on spelling (busHido) and some grammatical stuff. umm... and try not to repeat lines like run from battle, instead utilize flee, fled, etc, and other such words (no i cant remember the word to describe this) that mean the same but are not the same word. makes the whole piece work a bit better... but i like man!

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
This is my Poetry assesment poem for Year 9 poetry.

Samurai

The brave warriors of Japan
Loyal to their Emperor
Unafraid to fight any man
Even a kinght or a templar

Fought with honour
Fought with pride
Died with honour
Died with pride

Fought to the end
Never ran from battle
A quick death to his enemy he would send
And slaughter them like cattle

Holding his special blade
Katana was its name
A sword which many enemies it had slayed
And the owner should be sane

In the art of busido they were trained
Their armour was like no other
While their emperor"s glory reined
The flame of the enemy they would smother

To run from battle is a crime
Punishable by death
The Samurais coming at you is a sign
That you were taking your last breath

This poem is dedicated to ColdFire.
aw thanks hun hug

There is the stuff Will said, but I think it's one of the better ones you've done

thx guyz......i think it wasnt very good but my teacher did................it took of planning and replanning to finish it but finnaly i did it

good going then man. you stuck with it, and that is highly commendable! let us see more!

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
good going then man. you stuck with it, and that is highly commendable! let us see more!
yes

thx guys
Depression
Trapped, like being in a in a house with no windows or doors
that 1 person can
break down the walls
and let u escape
but until then
u have to sit and be lonely
waiting
and
waiting
wondering
when they will come
and when they do u feel relived
until they put u back in the house

this is very much how i feel right now

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
thx guys
Depression
Trapped, like being in a in a house with no windows or doors
that 1 person can
break down the walls
and let u escape
but until then
u have to sit and be lonely
waiting
and
waiting
wondering
when they will come
and when they do u feel relived
until they put u back in the house

this is very much how i feel right now hug my young friend, it passes, but you must find within you the will to want to be beyond it , and then do so! Please, seek counselors, and also go do volunteer work at an animal shelter or a hospital. it helped me, i think it could help you tremendously. Always here for ya man, not just for the ladies.

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
hug my young friend, it passes, but you must find within you the will to want to be beyond it , and then do so! Please, seek counselors, and also go do volunteer work at an animal shelter or a hospital. it helped me, i think it could help you tremendously. Always here for ya man, not just for the ladies.
thx man, i will keep that in mind

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
thx man, i will keep that in mind hey, we walking freakshows gotta get eachother's back, yo! hahaaha no one else has the testicular fortitude to stand beside, in front, behind, or near us, so we gotta. and hell, it aint like it would kill folks to be decent to their fellow beings. (hulk hogan voice) I got yer back, brutherrr!

thx for making me feel better and it is helping

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
thx for making me feel better and it is helping GOOD! Forever at thy service, my friend.

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
thx guys
Depression
Trapped, like being in a in a house with no windows or doors
that 1 person can
break down the walls
and let u escape
but until then
u have to sit and be lonely
waiting
and
waiting
wondering
when they will come
and when they do u feel relived
until they put u back in the house

this is very much how i feel right now
awwww hug

And from our convo earlier, I'm sorry

Originally posted by Coldfire
awwww hug

And from our convo earlier, I'm sorry
it is ok but im still so depressed

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
it is ok but im still so depressed
Then it's not ok hug

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
it is ok but im still so depressed whip now snap outta it!!!! or, at least laugh along with us nutcases.... hey, just ride the insanity tidal wave, learn to surf her, and then life gets a little easier.

yay insanity *rides da wave*

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
yay insanity *rides da wave* hahah hang ten yo! gnarly!!!

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
yay insanity *rides da wave*
Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
hahah hang ten yo! gnarly!!!
Niiiiiice you two

Originally posted by Coldfire
Niiiiiice you two dontcha think though? *no smilie, but SURF UP DUUUUUDE !!!! *

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
dontcha think though? *no smilie, but SURF UP DUUUUUDE !!!! *
hee hee hee

Originally posted by Coldfire
hee hee hee well, we got her to smile! hahaha ummm dunno if there is a high five smilie, so .. *highfive!* wait, this is close:

K here's your poem James Hope you like it

Here's to you,
On your special day,
Hope you thoroughly,
And in ever way,
Enjoyed this occasion,
Had loads of fun,
Got lots of presents,
Delighting in every one,
Another long year,
Until it comes again,
Hope you stay safe,
And happy til then

Originally posted by Coldfire
K here's your poem James Hope you like it

Here's to you,
On your special day,
Hope you thoroughly,
And in ever way,
Enjoyed this occasion,
Had loads of fun,
Got lots of presents,
Delighting in every one,
Another long year,
Until it comes again,
Hope you stay safe,
And happy til then
I love it thx cold fire kisseskisseskisseshughughughug

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
I love it thx cold fire kisseskisseskisseshughughughug
You're welcome hun hug Sorry I didn't get it to you earlier

Heh.... and glad you had a happy one dude.

Nice poems James

Slipping away
Losing grip on reality
Going the insane way


short but sweet

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
Slipping away
Losing grip on reality
Going the insane way


short but sweet

*slap*
sanity being slapped back in...

lol... i like this, add to it my friend. flesh it out.

ok whateva u are smoking put it down and back away slowly

heh.... the only thing my mouth has touched recently (besides food) has been my gf's lips. mmmmmmmmmmm....... she tastes like.... strawberries...... droolio

o k
*slaps u*
u love crazed fool

Originally posted by SatanicHunter
o k
*slaps u*
u love crazed fool ow!!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmm yeah..... love crazed....fool........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........she took my jacket, but traded me a shirt.... smells like her.... mmmmmmmmm....

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
*slap*
sanity being slapped back in...

lol... i like this, add to it my friend. flesh it out.
I agree yes

Originally posted by DreamingWarrior
ow!!!!! mmmmmmmmmmmm yeah..... love crazed....fool........... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........she took my jacket, but traded me a shirt.... smells like her.... mmmmmmmmm....

OOOOOOK NAH WE STILL FRIENDS

lol that's good

Omg long time no kmc lol well i have a new poem

Cars

The Skyline was as black as the night sky
It is a lion
Roaring its soul out
Chrome rims shining like the stars
The Track is a death trap
Which to many a life had been taken by its evil
Racers ready to rip the race up
The cars screamed under the immense pressure
Titanium turbo chargers pumping out torque
They can slide, almost like a glide
Faster and faster, quicker and quicker
Loyal to the end, like a great friend
Nose to nose, a battle between racers till the end

Originally posted by SkellegtonJ
Omg long time no kmc lol well i have a new poem

Cars

The Skyline was as black as the night sky
It is a lion
Roaring its soul out
Chrome rims shining like the stars
The Track is a death trap
Which to many a life had been taken by its evil
Racers ready to rip the race up
The cars screamed under the immense pressure
Titanium turbo chargers pumping out torque
They can slide, almost like a glide
Faster and faster, quicker and quicker
Loyal to the end, like a great friend
Nose to nose, a battle between racers till the end
Nice use of similies and personification