Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.

Hey, what do you think of my short film that I'm thinking of making. I haven't spell checked it yet, nor have I tightened it up, but it's twelve pages long which should translate to about a 12 to 15 minute film. Hope you like it, and please give me some constructive criticism. Thanks.


-Hiker.


NOT YET TITLED:

ACT ONE. THE BEAST IN THE BREAKFAST NOOK.

INT. MESSY BEDROOM -- LATE AFTERNOON.

Evan, thrity years old, wakes up, stretching off his night's
sleep. He makes it to the bathroom and looks into the mirror,
with a pale sweaty gaze.

EVAN
****.

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER.

Even walks into the kitchen, wearing a suit, and grabs a
bagel from a basket on the counter. He sees a man his age
at the kitchen table. The man is painted all black with a
white circular nose ring made of bone. His head is shaved,
and he is wearing a loin cloth. The whites of his eyes
carefully stare at Evan. A spear leans against the wall
next to him as he sits, eating a bowl of cereal.

EVAN
Hey, Craig.

CRAIG
(chewing his cereal)
Yo.

EVAN
How's the Renaissance faire been
going?

CRAIG
(swallows)
Ah, same ol', same ol'.

Evan opens the refridgerator and stares blankly at it's
contents.

EVAN
I got fired from my job yesterday.

CRAIG
Oh man, I'm sorry.

Evan closes the fridge empty handed and turns toward Craig.

CRAIG
You worked there for like four years,
right?

EVAN
Yeah.

CRAIG
That sucks, man.

EVAN
I'm going now to this temp agency.

CRAIG
Okay.
(pause)
I'm going to probably drink all your
beer while your gone. But there's
plenty of whisky.

EVAN
(sighs)
Go ahead.

Evan walks out of the kitchen. Craig pulls an already opened
beer he was hiding, from under his chair. He takes a swig
to wash down his Raisen Bran.

INT. TEMP AGENCY -- LATE AFTERNOON.

A well dressed man walks into his office where Evan is sitting
by a large oak desk. The man, Mr. Walker, sits into his
fancy office chair and hands Evan a W-4 form and a pen.

MR. WALKER
So, you qualify for this one job I
just landed for you. There are
computers involved, and you gotta
hand out these passes.

Evan looks a bit worried.

MR. WALKER
It's a lettuce convention. You scored
an eighy on your computer skills.
That's . . .
(pause)
. . . you are over qualified. Don't
worry about it. They'd take like a
seventy. You can start tonight if
you want.

EVAN
I'll take it.

INT. HOTEL CONVENTION CENTER -- EVENING.

A crowd of wealthy vegetable growers and buyers swarm into
the large hall, wearing their passes around their necks.
Hundreds of voices echo out from the hall and into the roll
call area where Evan is distributing the passes.

EVAN
Iceburg and Rommaine to the left.
Make sure they see this.

He wraps a pass over an old woman's neck. She gives him a
warm smile. He returns the gesture. She moves on. Evan
carefully taps on a computer keyboard after handing out each
pass.

EVAN
Iceburg and Rommaine to the left.
Make sure they see this.

He wraps another pass around a sharply dressed man who is
younger than him. The young man looks intent on cutting
killer deals and taking the lettuce industry by a storm. He
heads into the hall and is greeted by a beautiful woman in a
dark dress, sipping red wine. Evan sighs a breath of relief.
The long line of people have been served, and now it is time
to rest. Evan sinks into his chair. He stares numbly at
the cieling. In his head he hears a faint sound quickly
becomeing a loud droning noise that increases in volume every
second. His eyes stare wide at nothing. The sound of people
chatting, and wheeling and dealing is flooded by the deep
vibrating drone. Suddenly all is completely quiet. Evan is
motionless. Sudddenly panting, he crouches over and begins
to cry.

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

Craig is in the kitchen making a salame sandwich when he
hears the front door open. Evan, brooding, makes his way to
the kitchen and into the joining living room. He falls onto
the couch and stares at the television that is turned off.
Empty beer cans scatter the coffee table.

CRAIG
How'd it go?

Craig looks as if he tried his best to remove the black paint
from his skin, but patches of it still are visible. He looks
like he has two black eyes.

EVAN
It went.

CRAIG
Jackass is on tonight.

Evan closes his eyes.

CRAIG
You okay?

EVAN
No.

Craig sits down next to Evan with his sandwich on a plate.
He cracks open a fresh beer.

CRAIG
Talk to me, brother.

EVAN
You know how I got fired by my job
yesterday?

CRAIG
Yeah?

EVAN
(long pause)
Well, ask me why I got fired.

CRAIG
Why'd you get fired?

EVAN
Don't ask.

CRAIG
Okay. Was it that bad?

EVAN
Yeah, really bad.

CRAIG
Did you burn bridges?

EVAN
You could say that. You could
definately say that.

CRAIG
Should I be worried about you?

EVAN
No.

Craig takes a big bite of his sandwich and chews it. Evan
stares blankly at nothing.

CRAIG
(mouth full of food)
You know what your problem is?

Evan doesn't respond.

CRAIG
You drink shitty beer. You need to
buy better stuff, man. I'll tell
you what. I get paid in a week.
I'll buy like a months worth of beer
since you pretty much took care of
me this past month.

Off screen, the faint sound of police sirens is heard, but
niether Evan nor Craig notice it yet. Suddenly, Evan notices
the sirens blaring. He tries to hide his worried expression
from Craig.

CRAIG
Is something wrong?

EVAN
Maybe.

The sirens get louder.

EVAN
Yeah, I think something is definately
wrong.

The sirens get even louder and closer.

CRAIG
Why did you get fired from your job?

EVAN
I killed my boss.

CRAIG
How?

EVAN
Strangled him.

Craig stops chewing his food.

CRAIG
That's interesting.

EVAN
Then I closed the store. Someone
must have finally found him.

The sound of police cars screech to a halt outside.

CRAIG
So you weren't actually fired?

EVAN
No, I was. He fired me, then I
strangled him.

CRAIG
Oh, I see.

There is a knock on the front door.

POLICE
It's the police, open up!

Evan and Craig sit paralyzed, staring at eachother. The
door busts open, and several police are heard scrambling
into the house.

FADE TO BLACK

POLICE
(off screen)
Get down, get on the ground, both of
you. Don't move. Don't even twitch.
Which one of you is Evan Myers?

SILENCE

ACT TWO. THE PIRATE OF POINT LOBOS.

A young couple in their late twenties, Ken and Megan, hold
hands as they walk along the beach. They set down a picnic
basket when the Ken notices someone lying unconciouss on the
sand. They drop their picnic supplies and run over to the
body of a man.

KEN
What the hell?

The man slowly sits up. He is about the same age as the
couple. He is dressed as a pirate, wearing an eye patch,
worn drabs, a short sword at his hip, and hasn't shaven his
sunburned face for weeks. He rubs his head and peers around
until he notices Ken and Megan standing above him.

MEGAN
Are you okay?

PIRATE
Yar.

Ken and Megan look at eachother, perplexed.

KEN
Do you need help?

Megan reaches into her bag and hands the man a platic bottle
of water. He stares at the bottle, confused.

PIRATE
(with a heavy Old
English accent)
What in God's name am I holding.
I've never seen anything like it!

MEGAN
Um, it's a water bottle.

The pirate pulls at the plastic cap with his teeth as if it
were a cork. Soon enough he figures to twist it off with
his hand and chugs the entire bottle.

PIRATE
Ahhhhhhh!

KEN
Where did you come from?

The pirate stares off out at sea and points. Ken and Megan
look out over the ocean, seeing nothing but water and sky.

MEGAN
Are you supposed to be like a real
pirate or something?

The pirate looks at Megan with a disgusted frown.

PIRATE
As real as they get, lass. I come
from a land far away, lost from my
mates.

The pirate seems more alert now and stands up, shaking sand
off his clothes.

PIRATE
Food. Strong drink. Can ya' help?
For, I haven't eaten in days.

KEN
Yeah, we've got some sandwiches over
there.

The pirate walks over to the picnic basket leaving Ken and
Megan behind.

MEGAN
(whispering)
Can you believe this guy?

KEN
(whispering)
Yeah, I've heard about this. I read
this article on these lost pirates
who inhabit small islands in the
Pacific, descendants of clans who to
this day have never seen modern
civilization.

MEGAN
(whispering)
What?

KEN
(whispering)
Yeah, Discovery Channel did a thing
on it too. C'mon, let's help him
out.

Megan shakes her head in disbelief as they walk toward the
pirate who is rummaging through their picnic basket, tossing
aside napkins and plastic forks, things that are of no use
to him. He finds a turkey sandwhich wrapped in a plastic
baggy. He stares at it confused.

KEN
Here, let me help.

Ken unwraps the sandwich and hands it to the pirate who
immediately shoves the whole thing into his mouth. The pirate
finds another sandwich, unwraps it, and shoves that into his
face as well. He rummages some more until he finds a bottle
of wine that was already opened. He rips the cork off with
his teeth and begins chugging.

MEGAN
Hey, that's all we brought. You
can't...

KEN
Megs, let him have it. We'll buy
more in town.

The pirate finishes off the bottle, spitting out the last
swig.

PIRATE
Bleh! What was that?

MEGAN
That was a 1972 Sauvignon from our
honeymoon that we were going to finish
today.

KEN
Honey, chill out.

MEGAN
Don't tell me to chill out.

KEN
Okay, sorry. Just...
(to the pirate)
Look, we gotta go back into town.
Maybe we can find someone to help
you find your people. You should
really come with us.

The pirate rubs his belly and let's out a long belch.

PIRATE
I would be much obliged, laddy.

EXT. THE CITY OF MONTEREY. -- DAY

A gold sedan passes through the streets of Monterey. The
pirate sits in the passenger seat with his head hanging out
the window, staring wide eyed at the tall buildings and
colorful tourists.

INT. CAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Ken drives while the pirate presses the buttons on the radio,
amazed at the different sounds it makes. Megan sits in the
backseat of the car with her arms crossed, obviously
dissappointed with the way the day is going.

KEN
Up here is a maritime museum by the
wharf. I bet someone there might
have some leads as to how to find
your people.

Megan rolls her eyes as they are pulling up to a red light.

KEN
So, what's your name, anyway? I'm
Ken and that's my wife, Megan.

The pirate looks out the window to the right and then to the
left. Ken and Megan look around, wondering what the pirate
is looking at. Suddenly, the pirate loses his Old English
accent and speaks in a more contemporary tone.

PIRATE
My name's Bill, and thanks for the
ride into town. See ya.

Bill opens the car door and quickly runs up the street, out
of sight.

MEGAN
Oh brother.

The light turns green and Ken pulls forward, looking through
the rearview mirror.

KEN
What the...?

ACT THREE. THE CROWN AND ANCHOR.

EXT. DOWNTOWN MONTEREY -- LATER THAT DAY

Cars and people hustle and bustle past The Crown And Anchor
Restaurant and Bar just off Alvarado steet.

INT. BAR -- MOMENTS LATER

Craig sits alone at the bar nursing a tall glass of beer.
He looks at his watch and sighs.

CRAIG
(to self)
Well, bottoms up.

He finishes off the last few swigs and scoots his chair back.
Suddenly Bill appears from the front enterance.

CRAIG
Bill! I almost gave up on you.

BILL
(whispering)
Shhhhhh! My name's Ken today.

CRAIG
What?

Bill pulls a wallet out of his pocket and looks at a driver's
license.

BILL
Ken Corder.

Craig shakes his head.

CRAIG
You sly dog. Where'd you score that?

BILL
Some idiots who gave me a ride into
town. They thought I was a real
pirate. Can you believe that?

Craig laughs.

CRAIG
Well, I got some good news. Where
you been, anyway?

BILL
Meh, Gina finally gave me the boot.
Got home from the faire last night,
and the locks were changed, the whole
nine yards.

CRAIG
That sucks.

BILL
Yeah, so I passed out on the beach,
some bonfire with these hoity toity
college students. ****ers left me
there to freeze. So, what's the
good news?

CRAIG
My roommate finally snapped. He's
out of the picture for good.

BILL
He kill himself finally?

CRAIG
Nope. Get this, he killed his boss.

BILL
Your kidding?

CRAIG
I can't say I am. Cops busted the
door down last night and took him
away.

BILL
Holy shit.

CRAIG
I've been drinking his cheap ass
beer for the past two weeks so he'd
resort to the bottle of whisky I
spiked with depressants.

The bartender steps out from the back room and into the bar
stacking fresh glasses.

BILL
Bartender. Two Bloody Marys. You
can start a tab.
(to Craig)
Well, that's a bit unexpected. Not
quite how we imagined it unfolding.

CRAIG
Yeah, but it all works out
nonetheless.

BILL
It certainly does. Perfect timing
too. When can I move in?

CRAIG
As soon as you want.
(whispering)
After we run up Ken Corder's tab.

They laugh. Bill thumbs through the wallet some more.

BILL
He's got an Ikea card! I can buy
some furniture!

CRAIG
No need. Even's stuff is still there.

BILL
No shit?

CRAIG
No shit.

The bartender places the Bloody Marys on the bar and takes
the credit card. Bill and Craig stir their drinks.

BILL
Life just keeps getting better, man.

CRAIG
Well, here's to us, mate.

They raise their glasses.

BILL
Here's to us.

The glasses clink together.

BILL AND CRAIG
(same time)
Cheers!

The End

Welp, that be it.

clapping...
Nice!!

.. . i lourve the pirates English accent..

Loved it thumbsup

Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
clapping...
Nice!!

.. . i lourve the pirates English accent..

Loved it thumbsup
Thanks a lot! I'm thinking of titling it, THE EVIL MINDS OF RENAISSANCE MEN, but I'm thinking that title might give away the plot.

Originally posted by Tired Hiker
Thanks a lot! I'm thinking of titling it, THE EVIL MINDS OF RENAISSANCE MEN, but I'm thinking that title might give away the plot.

true....

''a series of unexpected events''..?.....

''the unexpected events that lead up to the arresting of Evan myers''??

Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
true....

''a series of unexpected events''..?.....

''the unexpected events that lead up to the arresting of Evan myers''??

You are on the right track, I played with titles like those already, but it sounds too close to that LEMMENY SNICKETTS movie. But, don't get me wrong. I totally appreciate your feedback. You got my wheels turning on this one. The cool thing is, all the locations are minutes away from where I live. I also know a good base of local folks who could fit the parts. I think the hardest part of this whole deal would be getting someone to paint their entire body black and to find an authentic looking pirate outfit, but that shouldn't be too hard to solve. Thanks, Uneeklyconfused!

Originally posted by Tired Hiker
You are on the right track, I played with titles like those already, but it sounds too close to that LEMMENY SNICKETTS movie. But, don't get me wrong. I totally appreciate your feedback. You got my wheels turning on this one. The cool thing is, all the locations are minutes away from where I live. I also know a good base of local folks who could fit the parts. I think the hardest part of this whole deal would be getting someone to paint their entire body black and to find an authentic looking pirate outfit, but that shouldn't be too hard to solve. Thanks, Uneeklyconfused!

...welcome ...

erm...
why does the entire body have to be black ??? .....

possible names:.. uh hum

''one man and his dog''
''Black ink''
''clear shores''
''Justier''
''porriage oats''
''oaty flakes''
''Raisen bran''..
??

ill shut up now bag

shit. that was awesome. but when the pirate drinks the water, he should spit it out and say, "gyar! not salty enough!" ...cuz they didn't have filtered water back then...you know, so he could stay in character... i'm an idiot. your screenplays great.

Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
...welcome ...

erm...
why does the entire body have to be black ??? .....

Yeah, cuz I based that character on those tree people who hang out in the trees at Renaissance faires, who are all painted black, wear nose rings, and grunt a lot. Sorta like that tribe that Kiera Knightly joins in the movie, KING ARTHUR. Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
possible names:.. uh hum

''one man and his dog''
''Black ink''
''clear shores''
''Justier''
''porriage oats''
''oaty flakes''
''Raisen bran''..
??

ill shut up now bag
I like RAISIN BRAN! That is just random enough to catch people's interest. And after the film, they'd be like, RAISIN BRAN??? wtf Nice!Originally posted by mysterio69
shit. that was awesome. but when the pirate drinks the water, he should spit it out and say, "gyar! not salty enough!" ...cuz they didn't have filtered water back then...you know, so he could stay in character... i'm an idiot. your screenplays great. That's a good idea! I'll use that for sure.
Hey you guys, thanks for taking the time to read that. I really appreciate it!

Originally posted by Tired Hiker
Yeah, cuz I based that character on those tree people who hang out in the trees at Renaissance faires, who are all painted black, wear nose rings, and grunt a lot. Sorta like that tribe that Kiera Knightly joins in the movie, KING ARTHUR.
I like RAISIN BRAN! That is just random enough to catch people's interest. And after the film, they'd be like, RAISIN BRAN??? wtf Nice!That's a good idea! I'll use that for sure.

Oh....


''Raisin Bran'' it is

Originally posted by Uneeklyconfused
Oh....


''Raisin Bran'' it is

Hahaha! I was thinking 'Things not to discuss over breakfast'

Originally posted by Pandemoniac
Hahaha! I was thinking 'Things not to discuss over breakfast'

Hmmmmmmmm, I think that's heading toward the right direction. I still can't come up with a solid name.

I didn't have the patience to read it all..........but good luck with it........

yeah weird.

Not bad, TH.

Originally posted by leana marie
yeah weird.

I know, it's not for everyone. Originally posted by DarkC
Not bad, TH. Thanks, DarkC.

Ok, how about 'Traces of red in a early light'