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(Note: This story is not related to the game except there is gunshooting and dinosaurs)


6:46 P.M Arizona Dock

The bait landed the soft water of Arizona sea as two fisherman began to fish quietly. They began to talk quietly about what they're going to catch. They hoped to catch something big...very big. They should've of been be careful what they wish for as a big huge shadow, above the baits passed by. "Holy shit Carl, you saw that?"The fisherman said as he straightened his hat for when he saw the shadow, it tilted. "Saw what? Must be your imagination Ken"Carl said chuckling as now focused on his bait. The shadow never appeared again, however the Carl's bait was caught and being pulled very fast. Carl, suprised and not fast reflexed he let go then became flat-footed.

"What the hell?!"Carl exclaimed as he walked to a cooler and took out a Berreta and cocked it. Carl used to use his beretta to kill sharks and he suspected he caught one. Carl walked up the wooden dock and looked for any shadow belonging to a shark. He's focus was on the sea, so not moving his head he said "Ken, do you see anything?". No answer. He repeated, but still no answer. Carl finally moved his head where Ken was, only to find a trail. It seem as Ken has been slided into the sea. Carl can see three trails. One was huge and two of them were same short sized trails. Something pulled him.

Afraid, Carl began to walk backward very slowly. Then he heard his own name in moaning. He turned to the direction where the moan was. "Oh my god"Carl mumbled, now shaking. Ken was crawling on the shore, with his left leg missing. Where ever the Ken goes, a trail of blood followed him. "C-c-c-arrrl. Help me"Ken moaned out, still crawling. "SOMEONE HELP!"Carl yelled out as he ran toward Ken. Carl dragged Ken to the cooler and helped him sat up.

"Holy hell Ken, what did this to--"Before Carl can even finished the sentence a creature with sharp teeth instantly with lightning reflexes snapped at Carl. Only the small head and the very long neck were visible. The creature disappeared with Carl. The berreta at Ken's side, Ken snatched it and aimed at the sea. From Ken's view he saw a huge shadow coming toward him fast. Ken rapidly pulled the trigger at the shadow. But noting happend, except the shadow coming.

Bullets one by one disppeared in the sea. Then the creature appeared fast and snatched Ken like Carl.

4:23 Arizona Dock

Sirens came and people gathered. "What we have here is a mysterious murder by someone. However most people say Something"Reporter said infront of a camera. The reporter walked up to a detective. "Detective Ryan, what do you suspect happened?"Reporter asked. "I don't know. All the cases in my life, there was a possibilty a human can do but this. This murder isn't happened by a human, but something more..inhuman"Detective answered back. "Thank you detective. There was one witnesses saying it was a Loch Ness Monster. A sea creature estimated by people large a huge boat and a neck longer than 2 largest Anaconda's. However the witness says it was bigger. This is Jane Kim reporting from LIVE"Reporter said.

7:33 PM Arizona Military

"Sir we are picking up a transmission from Sqaud 3 in Neveda"A soldier said to a General. "Sqaud 3? Wheres Sqaud 1 and 2?"General asked as gave him the signal to listen to the transmission

Transmission

Soldier 1: WE NEED BACKUP! SEND A HELICOPTER!
General: Wheres Sqaud 1 and 2?
Soldier 1: THEY'RE ALL ****IN DEAD!!

-M16 bullets roar everywhere in transmission

Soldier 1: THERES ONLY 12 OF US LEFT!

-A reptilian growl sound appears in transmission then ends with a cry.

Solder 3: SEND A ****IN PICK-UP!

-Shotgun noises repeat back and back with every pump.

Soldier 2: WE LOST THE OTHERS!

Soldier 8: SHIT WE WON'T SURVIVE!

General: CALM DOWN SOLDIER WHATS HAPPENING

Soldier 5: DIE YOU PREHISTORIC SHITS!

Soldier 1: DINOSAURS! EVERYWHERE!!!

General: YOUR NOT MAKING SENSE SOLDIER!

-A T-Rex roar comes in transmission and soldier screaming and crying comes in too.

Transmission ends

"General, we lost them"

Hmm... the idea is good. I like the beginning.

But your spelling and grammar mistakes almost make the story unreadable. My suggestion: Go back before posting, read through all of what you have, change any mistakes you find, and then do it again. You'll catch your mistakes easy.

Here's a few points of advice:

1) Watch your tense. You switch from past tense to present tense and then back again. Pick one and stick with it.

2) Your format needs to stay constant. The first portion of the story was using normal novel layout, but near the end, you started using script/play format. If I were you, I would stick with novel format.

3) Anytime somebody new begins to speak, a new paragraph begins. For example:

"Holy shit Carl, you saw that?"The fisherman said as he straightened his hat for when he saw the shadow, it tilted. "Saw what? Must be your imagination Ken"Carl said chuckling as now focused on his bait.

Should read something like:

"Holy shit! Carl, you saw that?" asked one of the men as he straightened his fishing hat.

"Saw what? Must be your imagination, Ken," Carl said, chuckling as he shifted his attention to his bait.

4) I'm just going to get back to the errors again. Some of the mistakes take away the entire meaning of the sentence. A few times, I had no idea what you were trying to say. Again, to fix this, go back and re-read what you have written.



Overall, not a bad story. It's a good idea, just congested with all sorts of mean mistakes.

I'm sure you can fix them.