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The following shows how much of a badass Chuck Norris is:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

--

I'm at work and that made me laugh out loud.

Dude, that was the funniest thing I EVER read on KMC!!!hystericalnotworthy

hysterical

that is damn hilarious^^

Its especially good if you watch Conan O'Brien. Those of you who do... you know what I'm talking about.

Originally posted by Myth
Its especially good if you watch Conan O'Brien. Those of you who do... you know what I'm talking about.

I love the look Conan gets on his face before he pulls the lever. There's that silent pause, then . . . booya!!!

*bumps*

I was thinking of bumping this myself. More people should get the experience of reading this.

chuck is pretty badass, but he is no jet li.

Correction, Jet Li is no Chuck Norris. Norris is the only person who can do they same round house to everybody and have it get funnier and funnier everytime.

Originally posted by Myth
Correction, Jet Li is no Chuck Norris. Norris is the only person who can do they same round house to everybody and have it get funnier and funnier everytime.
And who else could make such classics as:

Braddock: Missing in Action III
Invasion USA
Good guys wear black
etc..etc..

Edit: How the f'ck did I forget Delta Force?

chuck norris isn't hung like a horse. horses are hung like chuck norris.

hilarious, great thread

Hilarious!

Nice

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who
have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean
to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to
him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.
Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only
time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples.
He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
33. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
34. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
35. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
36. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
37. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
38. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
39. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
40. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
41. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
42. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
43. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
44. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
45. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
46. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
47. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
48. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
49. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
50. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
51. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
52. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
53. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
54. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
55. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
56. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
57. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
58. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
59. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his" way.
60. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.

there were a few repeated ones.
and number 18 was infinite life cheat for contra!!!
the first cheat i've ever learnt!!!

also

52. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

umm... to bad there already Chuck norris thread some where

heres a fact. Jet Li can kick chuck's arse.

One more thing...
wasn't Chuck Norris once a student to Bruce Lee?

Hahahahahahahaha I love that, I read it a while back and Was talking about it in English all Day, like the teacher was talking and I'd say something about Chuck Norris and it wen on for half an hour and eventually he said if I write an essay on Chuck Norris I'd get extra credit and i did.

Jet Li is faster than chuck. Jet Li has mastered more than just Tae Kwan Do, which, i might add, is the easiest style to counter. chuck would land a few kicks on Jet, but Jet would win the first time chuck misses.

Didnt Chuck Norris beat the shit out of Bruce lee?

chuck norris has the round house kick and bruce lee has the one inch punch and a mean side kick that has been describe as like being hit by a truck.

thats all chuck has, the roundhouse kick. Jet Li has so many moves and styles its pathetic.

oh man that really made me laugh

well, its true. how many styles has chuck mastered?

Jet Li is nothing especially since hes always flying in mid air for like 2 minutes throwing kicks.

Heres a fact: Bruce Lee kicked Chucks @ss

Hersa another fact: His name is mentioned in Damion Marleys song "Welcome to Jamrock"

Heres another fact: I had a drama teacher who looks exactly like Chuch and when we called him CHuck he said "Thats me"

I think Chuck Norris has masterd the art of wearing a cowboy hat and boots.

Dont forget that chuck has that whole total body gym thing going on....

Some good ol' funny shit on that list!

LMAO

43. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.

Vin Diesel > Chuck Norris

Originally posted by Myth
The following shows how much of a badass Chuck Norris is:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

-- i've seen this before...but it still makes me laugh

Originally posted by El_NINO
Jet Li is nothing especially since hes always flying in mid air for like 2 minutes throwing kicks.

Heres a fact: Bruce Lee kicked Chucks @ss

Hersa another fact: His name is mentioned in Damion Marleys song "Welcome to Jamrock"

Heres another fact: I had a drama teacher who looks exactly like Chuch and when we called him CHuck he said "Thats me"

I think Chuck Norris has masterd the art of wearing a cowboy hat and boots.
jet li is only flying through the air im the movies. did you see "the one" or "lethal weapon 4?"...in those movies he really showcases his moves. also check out "kiss of the dragon" when he is fighting his way through the french police station.
chuck norris is good, but jet li has skills that chuck could never have.

funny thread

when i think of the name "chuck", i think of the name charlie brown.

Originally posted by Rogue Jedi
jet li is only flying through the air im the movies. did you see "the one" or "lethal weapon 4?"...in those movies he really showcases his moves. also check out "kiss of the dragon" when he is fighting his way through the french police station.
chuck norris is good, but jet li has skills that chuck could never have.

TONY JAA is better than Chuck and Jet Li

ONG-BAK!!!!!

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Oh http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

My dad Met chuck norris when he paid a visit to the U.S.S. Roosevelt. I wrote him a letter last month. And about a week later got a reply in this Class A shipped Letter. It was wicked awesome.

"Spare me! I won that dodgeball tournement...fuggin Chuck Norris...." -White Goodman, Dodgeball

Best link ever

Don't miss the Vin Diesel and Mr. T sites as well.

"Chuck Norris doesn't wake at the crack of dawn, The dawn cracks when Chuck Norris wakes."

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

Who would win in a fight, God or Chuck Norris? Trick question, Chuck Norris is God.

on the sixth day, God created Chuck norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris is so good he'll shit your pants for you.

Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.

Originally posted by Mando
Chuck Norris is so good he'll shit your pants for you. Originally posted by silver_tears
Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.

Chuck Norris has passed gas once. Its now known as the Bubonic Plague.

That's the best one yet.

Originally posted by BackFire
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. yea i've read this before, still hilarious.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned

Nice site

The Vin Diesel one is even better. -

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors

There's no such thing as a near death experience. There is however, a near Chuck Norris experience.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris got lost in the mountains one time, he used is own pubic hair as kindling for a fire.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Originally posted by Mando
When Chuck Norris got lost in the mountains one time, he used is own pubic hair as kindling for a fire. that's wrong

wtf:

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Originally posted by -hh-
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.


http://images.killermovies.com/forums/moresmilies/laughing.gif

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Upon meeting Chuck Norris Hitler realized he could never win and killed himself.

.

A waitress at a Western Sizzler accidentally gave Chuck Norris a well-done steak instead of a rare steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!" The waitress replied "That's pretty rare too!" Chuck proceeded to have sex with her 15 more times just to prove her wrong.

http://images.hallmarkchannel.com/MicroSites/InsideStory/images/Walker2.jpg

Chuck Norris once fell off of Mount Rushmore, invented the airplane in mid-air and flew to saftey.Soon after, the Wright brothers stole his idea and they were found dead. Cause of Death: Roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Walker Clips From Connan O'Brian
http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker.shtml

Originally posted by Mando
Chuck Norris once fell off of Mount Rushmore, invented the airplane in mid-air and flew to saftey.Soon after, the Wright brothers stole his idea and they were found dead. Cause of Death: Roundhouse kick to the face.


hahaha

Condoms were not invented because Mr. T's penis needed protection, but because the world needed protection from Mr. T's penis.

Chuck's testicles have their own beard.

Chuck Norris once asked a person how to get to the gym, after the person told him, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face for telling him what to do.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Fur Elise was originally entitled Fur Vin, but was changed upon Vin's request, for he did not want the world to know about his love affair with Beethoven.

Ouch...

Chuck Norris once stared down a mirror.

Chuck keeps tryin' to donate sperm, but the receptionist keeps getting pregnant.

Originally posted by BackFire
Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.



In an attempt to follow in the steps of Dolly Parton, Chuck Norris attempted to open a theme park. Unfortunetly the idea was cast asunder when the name "Norriswood" was already used to name his penis.

Mr. T once pitied a man so hard that his soul ate itself and he shrivelled into a little ball of human effluence.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.

Mr. T invented mathmatics to record how many fools he's pitied.

Mr. T is so scary that his hair is actually afraid to grow. The only reason he has a mohawk is because it's in his blind spot

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Once, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and Vin Diesel all entered the same room at the same time. The sheer force of their combined presence resulted in time stopping for seven days while God attempted to recreate the world.

Gods real name is Vin T. Norris.

Mr. T travelled back in time and flew over several countries just so he could pity the guy who first discovered Fools Gold in person. Naturally, the pity inflicted on him caused his face to explode.

Chuck Norris once cut down a mighty redwood using only his penis. He was not erect at the time.

Mr. T once took a crap at a party in New York City. Afraid of being killed if you flushed it, people left it alone. The poop sat in that toilet for nine months. That is how Puff Daddy was born.

Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris' favorite food.

Originally posted by BackFire
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.




Growing up, Chuck Norris got into fights every day at school. His grandma told him that he shouldn't be so violent. So he roundhouse kicked her face.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

During the 60's Mr T was drafted for Vietnam. In the armory he asked only for a loin cloth and a rubber knife.

There are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.

The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Chuck Norris' chest hair.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

An object at rest tends to stay at rest until it comes in contact with a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Originally posted by BackFire
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Hot damn.

Vin Diesel's urine is the main ingredient in Yellow #6.

Chuck Norris solved a rubic's cube so fast someone watching exploded immediately.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back.

The only word in the English language that rhymes with "orange" is "Chuck Norris".

^

Mr. T is supposed to be on the American dollar bill, but the bill would become so valuable that no one but Mr. T could afford it.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Chuck Norris solved Pi. It actually ends with "CHUCK".

One time Chuck Norris went to the mall to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas; a Jean-Claude Van Dam punching bag and a bucket full of screaming year old children. When Santa said he couldn't do it, Chuck Norris ate Santa's elves, ****ed Mrs. Claus and then roundhouse kicked Santa in the face.

Chuck Norris once beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out in the desert while trimming red hair from his taint with a box cutter. What? You say there are no outlets for the Nintendo in the desert? Tell that to Chuck Norris.

Vin Diesel doesn't count it as rape if you survive.

The only substance known to cut Vin Diesel is another Vin Diesel.

Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines "push the snooze button" as "punch in the face".)

The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.

Originally posted by Mando
One time Chuck Norris went to the mall to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas; a Jean-Claude Van Dam punching bag and a bucket full of screaming year old children. When Santa said he couldn't do it, Chuck Norris ate Santa's elves, ****ed Mrs. Claus and then roundhouse kicked Santa in the face.




The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris's most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.

Chuck Norris can shoot rockets out of his penis. This bit of intelligence caused Russia to drop out of the Cold War.

Chuck Norris' sweat repels mosquitoes and other irritating insects, such as William Shatner.

Chuck Norris once took a dump and instead of containing bits of corn, it contained Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, and the girl from Blossum.

Originally posted by Captain REX
The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.





The very first CSI was going to be titled "CSI: Chuck Norris", but there was no crime scenes and no investigating. Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being totally awsome. So they renamed it Walker, TR.

Chuck Norris, a preist, and a rabi waled into a bar. They both got their asses roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.

Originally posted by Mando


The very first CSI was going to be titled "CSI: Chuck Norris", but there was no crime scenes and no investigating. Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being totally awsome. So they renamed it Walker, TR.



Mr. T does not have sex, for fear of splitting each woman in twain. He instead reproduces in a cloud of spores.

Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.

That sounds really painful.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the **** down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.

Chuck Norris always throws rock, if you throw paper you get his rock in your face.

A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.

Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.

Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented Viagra, but only so the rest of us could dream of achieving his god-like libido.

Guns don't kill people.
Chuck Norris kills people.

The Big Bang was a result of Chuck Norris learning how to effectively use the roundhouse kick.

By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving, his beard has grown back.

Mr. T actually weighs less than air itself, thus he must wear gold chains around his neck to weigh him down.

Vin Diesel touches himself at night.

Vin Diesel has saved your life because he hasn't murdered you yet.

Prince initially called "When Doves Cry" "When Chuck Cries." After several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not only the title of the song, but his name as well.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris' experience as a boy scout.

geez how many of these things are there

Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.

Chuck Norris' idea for alternative fuel was rejected by the EPA because the main ingredients were bald eagle heads and faberge eggs

The most difficult fight of Chuck Norris' storied career pitted his left testicle against a buffalo in a cage match. Chuck was born right-testicled, but he spent countless hours training to make himself ambitesticled so as not to have a weakness in battle. Despite that, the toughest part of the match was that the rules stipulated that Chuck was not allowed to actually enter the cage. Chuck was forced to stand outside and push his testicle through the bars. 14 hours into the fight, Chuck's testicle landed a roundhouse kick that put the buffalo into a coma. Chuck vowed then and there never to fight with his testicle again.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

It is a commonly held belief of the Jewish faith that, as a mere babe, Chuck Norris was separated from his mother in a blizzard. To this day, he hates snow so much that he roundhouse kicks each individual snowflake. The concussive force makes them all unique.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris was raised by Lowland Gorillas and returns to Africa once a year to mate and reassert his dominance over the rest of the tribe through a complex series of grunts, chest thumping and roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

The only difference between Chuck Norris and Superman is that Chuck Norris eats graded Kryptonite on his salad and pasta at The Olive Garden.

Vin Diesel once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris was about to ****in' kill it

One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.

Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once hit a baseball so hard that it traveled around the world five times and landed in the pitcher's glove. When the umpire called Chuck Norris out, he roundhouse kicked the umpire in the face, as well as a small child in the crowd just for fun.

When Chuck Norris wants to get drunk he mixes 2kg of pure Heroine with 4L of straight Whiskey. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends

As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn't cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise.

Chuck Norris only wears pants, because if he wore shorts his 32 inch penis would drag across the floor.

The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and shit lightning.

In Chuck's earlier years he was abled to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest.

Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.


Chuck Norris is the reason Darth Vader ended up in a life support suit.

Originally posted by house
The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.


Adam would have luuurved that !

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris's fully erect penis.

Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off his bedroom light and be under the covers before the room gets dark.

Chuck Norris saw the movie, "The Polar Express," and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.

Sting once got roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. The impact of the blow sent him half way into the pacific ocean. This ultimately resulted in the song "Message in a Bottle". When the album hit stores Chuck sued Sting on the premise of artistic inspiration, and won. The settlement was four cheeseburgers, a large coke, and another roundhouse kick to the face. The result this time was the song "Walking on the Moon".

Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his ass-cheeks. He did this as part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The Ass Master-Blaster 5000.

Chuck Norris's penis is so massive that it has its own elbow. In conclusion, Chuck Norris can use his penis to karate chop midgets and handicapped midgets.

Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.

Chuck Norris scared God into giving men nipples. They are his targets.