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it was halloween and a boy called rhys was coming home when a gang of boys came
"hey rhys i hate you and i hope they get you"
" who"
"you will see"
the boys rand of down the lane.rhys went home his dad passed away so it was just him and his mother.
"mam who will get me tonight2
"no one baby doll"
"mam im 15 dont say that"
he was going out when he saw a girl on the ground dead.her head was nearly ripped off and her face hacked in 2.he ran in
"mam help"
his mother was naked
"rhys take me now"
TO BE CONTINUED

part 2 coming soon

wtf? that isn't horror, but it is scary beyond all reason!

DONT WORRY PART 2 IS BRILL

in part 6 there is a big twist

Boooooooooooo.



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its good

You should let others decide that. A 100 word story is hardly anything.

When you're the only one that likes your story, that has to say something.

lizzy likes it

The above post sounded sarcastic to me.

Even if she did, one person likes it and it's good?

well wolfie do i look like i care no

You should care. I write myself and when I share my work with people, I care about comments. If there are any negative comments, I can improve from there.

If you don't care as you claim you don't, then don't post it.

lets just stop with the whole monster mash thing, because there is already something called the monster mash, and its a song, that has nothing to do with the story thomas george made, I think this whole thing should just end.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0263759/

Jay-Z's movie, Fade to Black, had nothing to do with the song by Metallica.

But I agree, the whole thing should've ended before it began. If properly edited, extended, and add in sense, it may turn out better.

Let's analyze this chapter since no one is really giving him constructive criticisms. First, to edit it to a comprehensive form, adding punctuation and proper grammar. I hope you don't mind.

It was Halloween and a boy called Rhys was coming home when a gang of boys came.
"Hey, Rhys, I hate you and I hope they get you!"
"Who?"
"You will see."
The boys ran down the lane. Rhys went home. His dad passed away. So it was just him and his mother.
"Mom, who will get me tonight?"
"No one, baby doll."
"Mom, I'm fifteen, don't say that."
He was going out when he saw a girl on the ground, dead. Her head was nearly ripped off and her face hacked in two. He ran in.
"Mom! Help!"
His mother was naked.
"Rhys, take me now!"
TO BE CONTINUED

Believe me, it was hard not to edit your words here. They're your words so you should have the freedom of emphasizing, making better dialogue, and smoothing it out.

First, the way just about everything is worded needs to be changed. Everything's awkward and poor. Describe the setting to start.

The "gang of boys" was totally unrealistic. They come out from out of the blue, tell them someone's after him, and leave. Explain why they're picking on him, hint at who they're talking about perhaps.

"His dad passed away." Wow. You really need to explain this. Something like this should never be summed up in less than a couple paragraphs. We have no idea how he died, if there were any struggles, etc.

"So it was just him and his mother." - Change to something like "That left his mother and him alone."

And then they just carry on with their lives? An ambulance needs to come, pick up the body. The two characters need to grieve. There is no way they can just shrug off the death of their father and husband.

Why did Rhys ask his mother about someone getting him ? Put yourself in your character's shoes. If some kids were picking on you at school, you wouldn't go home and ask your mom to explain what they meant. And the mother responded as if she knows what he's talking about. Those two dialogues need to go. And her calling him "baby doll". Instead of Rhys saying, "don't say that", have him say something like "don't call me that". That way the reader knows what he's referring to.

The whole description later, again, was too short. Good job on describing her, though you need a few more details. Where is the body? He was going out. So was the body on the front porch, the living room, the street, where? "He ran in", try "He ran back inside the house."

"Mom! Help!" - No. Just no. This is totally unrealistic. Instead of simply screaming for help, he should be calling 911 or telling his mother to.

His mother is naked and wants to make love to her son. Not only is this gross on so many levels, it makes no sense. This twist came completely out of left field. In a 100-word story, you can't have a successful twist. Full-length movies most of the time can't have a successful twist at the very end. Two people have just died and all the mother can think about is having her way with her underage son?

shouldn't this have gotten deleted too?

It's long overdue, IMO.

Originally posted by Impediment
It's long overdue, IMO.

Agreed

Please!!

totally, how do you get rid of a thread?

The mods close threads. Really, if you would've just ignored it, it would've went away.