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clapping

First of all, thanks for sharing. It's great to see that newcomers are still willing to post their work. Second, they're really good! I especially like the 2nd one, and I think the rhyme scheme and rhythm you use is well done. But have you thought of veering away from the comfort zone a little? I mean, you obviously have a good vocabulary, so why not use that to create some pieces with a little more abstract body to them? For instance, try to avoid the set pattern of ABAB/AABB etc.

I don't mean to criticise, I really like them

Yea, I'll try making something a bit more abstract then, I've done a few in the past and I would post them up, but I can't seem to find them at the moment... Hmmm... I might have to wait until I get some inspiration from somwhere before I begin writing something down.

Oh, and to me thats not criticism, I really like it when people who are abviously more experienced point me in the right direction or suggest something that I should try. I mean, I've only just turned seventeen, it's not like I'm expecting great masterpieces to flow out through the tip of my pen.

Anyways, my parents want me to get off, so I'll leave with a little poem that I wrote up last night, it's kind of different and a little more abstract

HATE
A thing of now,
It's something vivid.

LOVE
A sweeter sound,
It's something exquisite.

PAIN
Drags me down,
It's something gripping.

SHAME
Has got me down,
It's something ripping.

All these emotions are dragging me down,
Pulling me under the ground.
All these things all add up to a conclusion,
Bringing with it confusion.

HATE
Ralise,
It's nothing new.

LOVE
Really,
It's up to you.

PAIN
Steadily,
On me I do.

SHAME
Basically,
It's what I brew.

All these emotions are dragging me down,
Pulling me under the ground.
All these things all add up to a conclusion,
Bringing with it confusion.

oooo I like your stuff! And I agree with Syren about moving out of your comfort zone... can't really talk though since I do that same thing haha But keep them coming

Hey, this is a bit different from my previous ones, hope you like it (I found it under my bed with a pile of other stuff, I like it )

It's funny how things turn out,
And how friends think they know what I'm about.
How I put on a face for my friends,
And as they say I, "Be myself."
But really, it's just another mask from atop my shelf,
That place that only I know,
That place I keep to myself.

So all my emotions get stored away,
Only to come out some other day,
When I can't handle it,
When I can't stand it,
When things are rough,
And I'm finding it tough.
And what do all my friends do?
They b!$ch at me for what they see!

They b!$ch at me for findings things too tough to manage,
And I just wish I had kept it in a neat little package,
Stored away,
Far away,
Where no one can see what was actually in it,
So people would stop giving me sh!t for it.
Sh!t for not being "who you are",
Even when they think it's bull by far.

So for now I'll forget about speaking,
Of the things I truly am feelings.
Adorn the mask I've kept up on my shelf,
And be what my friends call "Myself"

clapping

Bravo!! That's what I was talking about... is it something you wrote a while ago? Seems to me you've had the ability to write something that little bit different for a while, perhaps you just forgot?

Seriously, that's a great piece. It's really powerful and well written. I love it!

Thankyou, reading through it again just then I realise some of my spelling and wording errors, I didn't exactly check for them >.<

And yea, it was a while ago, probably about... 6-8 months ago? I think. I can't remember exactly and it doesn't have a date next to it on the piece of paper I wrote it on so I'm only estimating. I'll try something like it again sometime soon.

Excellent

very good

I know I havn't posted in a couple of days, but life's been... ummm... b!tchy i guess... Anyways... Here is something thats still in its rough draft form... Wrote it up last night *shrugs* what do you think?

You stare at me,
Tempting me,
Watching me,
With all your greed.
You ask with your eyes,
I don't question why,
Sometimes I ignore,
Sometimes I don't ignore.
It's a do or don't,
Usually I hope it's wont,
But then again,
You are my friend,
And I do have two,
Two of you,
Pictures that is,
Which all lead to this.
I'm constantly watched,
Under guard and clocked,
With everything I do,
I can't escape from you.
For when I'm in my room,
That's when I go 'boom',
Exploding,
Imploding.
Damaging myself,
Sometimes tearing down a shelf.
But usually,
It's only me,
For you told me to,
Told me what to do,
With your eyes,
Your cold, dark, vicious eyes.

I wash away my thoughts,
And try to start afresh.
Leave everything behind,
Including my own flesh.
I watch the red spread down my arms,
And drip slowly to the floor.
It triggers a sort of pain inside me,
But opens up the door.
I reach through and grasp the bliss,
The happiness achieved through pain.
You cannot even begin to imagine,
My joy from all this strain.
These wounds on my arm aren't just skin deep,
They're buried deep beneath my skin.
These flesh wounds are just an outpouring,
A way to get it off my chin.