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Blatent plagerism here (as the Brits will notice) but for those of you Johnny Foriegners, there's a magazine over here called "Viz" and every month they have a top-tips column which always gives me great amusement. Here's one I thought all the yanks would enjoy....

American high school teachers

Increase your efficiency by announcing which chapters to read from the textbook for the next class some time before that f**cking annoying bell rings.

Another cliche put to bed methinks.

God I'd love that (but I'm not an american )

Good one !

That annoys the crap out of me. When the teacher tells you about the homework when half of the people are already gone. And then the teacher yells at you for not doing the homework.

Yes, that's always fun. In fact, it sucks so much I'd like to kill my 11th grade teacher. She did that all the time.

a bit too violent a solution that, dont you think?

Here's another of my all time favourites.....

American crime bosses

On capturing the A-Team, do not proceed to lock them in a shed with a vehicle of some description, various tools and welding equipment. This may prevent thier later unexpected and rather spectacular escape.

I had a Biology teacher that would actually say that she gave us a certain homework when she never did and then yell at us when it wasn't done. She did that all the time. She kept confusing us with other classes. Um, can she write it down?

A-team rules also apply to McGyver.

well those thugs in A-Team is even a worse shot than the Stormtroopers

but they sure can crash other cars

A-Team is a looser serie

well, if you are young, you can enjoy it

eeeeehhhhhhhh no

ok.... extremely young?

I never liked it, even when I did watch it.

One of the Top tips I remember from ages ago was:

Save money on carpeting your homes, just buy a box of carpet tiles and put straps on them. When people come to your house they can put them on their feet and it will feel as if the whole house is carpeted and at a fraction of the cost too!

Thats.....interesting.

Ok...

But it would work.

That's the whole idea with Top Tips, they're so obviously stupid - but they would work!!!!

So we could put yerssot in a circus cannon and shoot him out of it ?

So what if you have some friends with allergy Corran???

kewl! just like last time! I just love it! give me such a rush!

Next time we'll place the cannon in you.

IN me? sounds even better!

it will be better..... for us

There's less carpet fibre around the house to aggravate the allergy!!!

there will always be dust though

Hmmm, you could always clean the place I suppose, you know at a push!!

I will clean nada at your place

Better call mega-maid.

I'm not going to the circus without my clown gun of course. Otherwise somebody else is going to have to stuff his silly ass in there.

ToMacco?

Maybe this clown'll inspire you to take your gun with ya.
http://www.theunholytrinity.org/cracks_smileys/contrib/navigator/evilclown.gif

That's a creepy bastard.

*gets clown gun out*

He's history baby.

he he your little clown gun

It works though.

as we can see the result on you

Actually, that WAS a clown. As in yerssot....

TOP TIP: Discourage pigeons from landing on your roof by tethering a cat to your TV aerial.

Mega-Maid!!! She's gone from suck to blow!!!
I love Spaceballs!!!!

Top tip:

Save time using both the salt and vinegar on your chips by opening the vinegar and pouring the salt into it. One quick shake should dissolve the salt for future use.


Top tip:

Save time by only ever watching one Bruce Willis film.

Yippee ki-yah, cowboy !

come to california lets have some fun

What do you think of Cheryl Crow's "soak up the sun" ?

I love that song!

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun" - Sheryl Crow

finti is on the cutting edge of new lyrics.

I know em all

Okay tell me the lyrics to "Morbid Angel's - Bleed for the devil", it always sounds like grunting to me?

hmm hard time to download that sucker and it sounds like grunting to me too

Something like this

Fill the air with the smell of death
Grace us with your magic
Fill the night with the stench of evil
I summon forth the beast " Morbid Angel`s Bleed For The Devil

How wude.

you were expacting something else?

finti, sing a song for us, please. I am in need of cheering up.

I have a feeling that the Morbid Angels and I would not be friends.

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard" Sheryl Crow

How about "One to Another" by the Charlatans Finti, if you can conjure up those lyrics then the beers are on me.

one to another
sister and a brother
changing the way that you feel
pleased to meet you
hope I never see you
I'll be at ease watchin' you sleep watchin' you smile

love I adore you
always lookin' for you
and I'll be there whenever you need me
be my spiderwoman I'll be your spiderman" Charlatans

I`ve got the album Melting Pot (best of)

Its class isn't it.

How about a bit of "Jackass" by Beck, thats my morning after song.

When I wake up
Someone will sweep up my lazy bones
And we will rise in the cool of the evening
I remember the way that you smiled
When the gravity shackles were wild
And something is vacant
When I think it's all beginning"- Beck Hansen

Morning after is fine. Night before music is Ozzy of course.

Ha! The man can't be beat.

Okay last one now, how about some of "Fools gold" by the Stone Roses, thats my all time favourite song in the world, ever, ever.

*waits for finti, drinks whiskey*

oi it's friday now!

Stone roses was very good kicks Oasis ass any time I`gonne quote the entire song here

The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife

The gold road's sure a long road
Winds on through the hills for fifteen days
The pack on my back is aching
The straps seem to cut me like a knife

I'm no clown I won't back down
I don't need you to tell me what's going down
Down down down down da down down down
Down down down down da down down down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
You're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold

These boots weren't made for walking
The Marquis de Sade never made no boots like these
Gold's just around the corner
Breakdown's coming up round the bend
Sometimes you have to try to get along dear
I know the truth and I know what you're thinking

Down down down down da down down down

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
You're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold
Fool's gold

I'm standing alone
I'm watching you all
I'm seeing you sinking
I'm standing alone
You're weighing the gold
I'm watching you sinking
Fool's gold" - STONE ROSES

Excellent.

Did ever notice that Liam Gallagher stole his sing-with-both-hands-behind-the-back thing from Ian Brown? Ian Brown is one cool dude.

I bought the Charlatans "Songs from the other side" last week. Its a collection on B-sides from 1990-97 and its absolute class. It amazes me what they deemed as B-side material, which is a lot better than half the crap in the charts at this very moment.

I'm also enjoying The Cooper Temple Clause "See this through and leave" album. Its a little heavier than I imagined it would be but its great to work out to.

Yeah I kind of feel the Stone Roses kind of open up for all those brit bands that sounds very much the same

Thats true, I feel sorry for them a little because they started a revolution and split up before they could enjoy it!

Ian Brown is still making good music and the Seahorses weren't bad but they split up ages ago. I count the Roses as one of my all time favourite bands, the "Complete Stone Roses" is a must for anyones music collection.

Stone Roses were good but they are no fav of mine.
That is mostly heavy scene, Deep Purple (until the first break up 1976), Tommy Bolin, Glenn Hughes, Black Sabbath (before Dio), Led Zeppelin, Marillion (before Fish left), Kiss(before the mask fell)
a bit easier stuff Eagles, Jeff Buckley, Police , Clash, Supertramp, Beatles, David Bowie, Talk Talk.
A bit variation of bands

you forgot ABBA

pfff, cheap joke

nah the truth.
Money momey is the latest hit on the local radio station up there

capitalists

semi frog

so, if I'm a frog, I'm going to lick myself, heared you get high of it, want to check it out...

no thanks yuk

because I got high, because I got high, because I got high...

The Police ! Woo-hoo !

finti is my pal.

always Gundy

And you didn't even need a barf bag.

I choose my moments

Did anyone else see the Simpsons episode where Homer licked the hallucinogenic frog and started tripping?

was on a trip myself

Follow the turtle?

turtle speed; one toe at a time.

Top Tips:
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive & ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

great ones

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of rodeo sex. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara

Convince neighbours that you have invented a SHRINKING device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

that smiley brings happines to my life

time to depress you than

Those are all great Corran.

I'm gonna have to root out my old Viz annual's to get some more.

Yep, those are pretty good.

Why do we find things that are stupid so funny, are we not intelligent people?

*starts to laugh in a goofy way*

just like that

Oh.

I think that the smartest people are definitely the most easily amused. We can find wonder in the most simple things.

*looks outside*
SQUIRREL!
*runs outside, chasing the squirrel*
whiiiiiii!

*throws peanuts to squirrels*

*throws peanuts at yersssss*

*sits down and starts eating the nuts with the squirrel*
thanks K, mesa was hungry

*throws more peanuts at yersssss*

yippie! more to munch
*gives a peanut to the squirrel*
there you go little friend, after eating we're going to climb a tree togather, alright?

*throws peanut shells at yersssss*

but you can't eat those!
*eats one*
hmmm, sorry, you CAN eat those

Throws coconut at Yerss' head.

*starts to sing*
I have a lovely pare of coconots, didledey,
their they're standing in a row!
Small ones, big ones,
some as big as your head!

(Coconut knocks yerssots head off and becomes his new head)

wasnt a coconut Tom HAnks' new friend in Cast Off? or was that a basketball maybe

Ok! Listen up everyone! I'm not happy now, so I want a CLEAR answer and I want it NOW!
WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS???

His friend was a volleyball named Wilson.

And I think Ush turned off the lights.

Ush, be a dear and switch the lights back on!

Gosh no, far too bright!

Ush is a gremlin! Spray him with water!... or was that feeding after midnight?

Spray me with water? You want MORE of me?

wasn't that food?

watch out for the waffle monster

That sounds about as scary as the villain from "Jeepers Creepers". Waffle monster indeed!

Jeepers mister mechmoggy, isn't that the wafflemonster overthere?
*best scrappy doo voice*
Let me grab him! let me grab him
Puppypower!

Scooby dooby doooooooo!