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Is anyone going to comment on what is wrong or right with this?

I think I may have seen this piece before... I can't recall my exact reaction but I still think it's wonderful.

I really like the consistent rhythm, although I personally prefer poems with a more jagged flow to them. I think it's a great effort and it's really good to see you sharing it with everyone. I'd like to see more, if you have any

I agree with Sy; great effort! I'd also like to see some more

Originally posted by Syren
I think I may have seen this piece before... I can't recall my exact reaction but I still think it's wonderful.

I really like the consistent rhythm, although I personally prefer poems with a more jagged flow to them. I think it's a great effort and it's really good to see you sharing it with everyone. I'd like to see more, if you have any Awww thanks, you always make me feel special and wanted

yeah, nice ryming man.
and did you keep all the lines roughly the same length on porpose?

Originally posted by Corran
Awww thanks, you always make me feel special and wanted

Long time no speak cry

It's a beautiful piece... and where have you been? hug

kisssadwalkweepwinkissinlovein_love

Originally posted by Machete_Guy
kisssadwalkweepwinkissinlovein_love
MG! Long time no talkie! hug

Originally posted by bogen
yeah, nice ryming man.
and did you keep all the lines roughly the same length on porpose? Nope not on purpose, it was just how it flowed in my twisted head.

nice stuff. i like how it's sort of two faced because the person seem really happy and like he has it together when really he or she is falling apart.
Nice.