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I got a rough draft of a poem due tommarow! Could you give some helpfull advise to wat ive got?

My Poem...
How far did I take this, how long will it go
It started with me being so shalow.
If I would have stopped, and didnt go so far
Are deception with each other woundt be as black as tar.
But i didnt stop, I went to far,
And now i'm left with this one scar.
That cant be erased, and wont disapear
so now I'm left with the fear.
___
yeah it sucks, thats why I would like some truthfull advise
Please Help

Before you even start on the content, themes, structure and such, you might want to sort out the spelling and grammar.

wat he said and try stanzas

Originally posted by darkjedi132
I got a rough draft of a poem due tommarow! Could you give some helpfull advise to wat ive got?

My Poem...
How far did I take this, how long will it go
It started with me being so shalow.
If I would have stopped, and didnt go so far
Are deception with each other woundt be as black as tar.
But i didnt stop, I went to far,
And now i'm left with this one scar.
That cant be erased, and wont disapear
so now I'm left with the fear.
___
yeah it sucks, thats why I would like some truthfull advise
Please Help

Maybe you could alter the italic line ... but then again, some people like this sorta thing in poems. But its great!

no i changed the whole thing i really didnt like it, so i made a new poem

pansey

Originally posted by mud_blood_princ
pansey

If you've got nothing good to say, don't say it at all. hammer

Originally posted by mud_blood_princ
pansey

mud, cool it. usually i don't let first impressions get to me, but so far, i have to say honestly i don't like you. your making crude comments that are really unecessary.

good luck with your poem, and post the newer one up so we can read

the newer one but i dont like it either

I'm deep in this thought
that wat ive lost cant be bought
im trying too get out
but im ingulfed in this anger, and i dont kno wat its about
I feel so betrayed
But im also afraid
So many thoughts are passing through my mind
bum im running out of time
im stuck in this possition
and ive gota make a decission

___
any helpfull hints

And i gota make a title for it, im thinking "ruminations"

interesting title, and i like this poem as well.

thanks but while i was watching the ISU game i wrote something else and i cant think of a title and i cant tell which is better.. ur opinions plz..

With all of this deception
We should have learned a lesson
But all we do is shun
From the past, we say the future has begun
Now we must regret
All this fear that we repent

you should just make it all one poem. the topics are all the same.

Originally posted by Lovely Murder
you should just make it all one poem. the topics are all the same.



Try to blend the poems together.

that would be interesting, and something to look foward to

Originally posted by mud_blood_princ
pansey
Uncalled for
Originally posted by darkjedi132
the newer one but i dont like it either

I'm deep in this thought
that wat ive lost cant be bought
im trying too get out
but im ingulfed in this anger, and i dont kno wat its about
I feel so betrayed
But im also afraid
So many thoughts are passing through my mind
bum im running out of time
im stuck in this possition
and ive gota make a decission

___
any helpfull hints
Pretty good. Just have to work on the spelling
Originally posted by Ladyluck


Try to blend the poems together.
yes