Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer wont get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesnt get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know youre the first one to pop a beer.
4...You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.
Top Ten Ways To Get Rid Of A Telemarketer
10...Yea, I could use a credit card,I just filed for bankruptcy.
9...What are you wearing right now?
8...Im wearing....(Add Lib)
7...How do you spell your name, yourcompany name, any kids...etc...
6...OMG I havent seen you since highschool, (Go on and on)
5...(Screaming) Oh My God I have to go and hang up.....
4...What? What????? I cant hear you.
3...Can you speak very slowly, I have to write it all down....
2...Can you fax this to me, (Give a fake number)
1...Hey, Im under house arrest, couldyou bring me some beer?
Top Ten Blonde Inventions
10...The water-proof towel
9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag
Top Ten Ways to tell your HMO is going bankrupt
10...Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day. 5...Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4...Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didnt come in different colors with little ms on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses
10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -
[email protected]
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) -
[email protected]
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
[email protected]
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
[email protected]
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
[email protected]
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)-
[email protected]
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -
[email protected]
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)
[email protected]
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada) -
[email protected]
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys R Us) -
[email protected]
Top Ten Childrens books never published
10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddys New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.
Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks
10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild
9...Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
8...Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
5...The motor is so loud you cant hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin factory.
4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.
2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or hooptee.
1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if you are injured.
Top Ten ways to tell you are fat
10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says Picture continued on other side.
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT.
1...You get runs in your jeans.
Top Ten Things Men Shouldnt Yell In Victorias Secret
10... Does this come in childrens sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...Ill be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size wont matter. Shes inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. Ill eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace
2...45 bucks?? Youre just gonna end up NAKED anyway
1... Oh, honey, youll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they havent had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the hands on experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.
Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over
10.... Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... Youre not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
5.... Officer says, Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You respond with, Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
4.... Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job
3.... Gee, Officer Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too
2.... Arent you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Top Ten shortest books
10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIANS COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN IVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSONS GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines
1.... Overeating main cause of obesity
2.... Dog kills cat, self
3.... Two ships collide. One dead
4.... Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism
5.... A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages.
6.... Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
7.... Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
8.... Eye Drops Off Shelf
9.... Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
10.... Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Say what?
