DarkC
So I was playing WoW with one of my friends a while ago and the phone rings. I sprint to it and answer just in time.
"Hello?"
"Hi, sir. There's been a sewer blockage in your area, a major one, and we've been doing spot checks around your neighbourhood. Has there been any issues with your toilet in the last few hours?"
I rack my brains. "Ermm, no. I went to the bathroom an hour ago and didn't notice anything strange."
"Nothing at all, sir?"
"Nothing that I could tell."
"Okay, sir. May I ask what manner you were using it in?"
"Well, I took a piss, if that's what you mean.", sez I, confused.
The man at the other end goes: "All right. I'm asking this because sometimes the sewage can build up to the point until it gets so serious that your toilet explodes, and quite frankly that would not be a very pleasant experience, especially if you were using it at the time. And we really want to prevent this, but we can't send a truck to every house in the district."
I make a face and go, "I see."
"Now, would you happen to have a plastic bag anywhere in the house? Like, a grocery bag?"
I glance at the Sears bag in the corner. "Sure, why do you ask?"
"If you could cover your hand with it, please."
I do as he says and suddenly realise where this is going.
"Now, sir...we'll understand if you don't want to do this, but I need to ask you to stick your hand down the toilet."
I weigh the options: A quick, uncomfortable check vs. a toilet and its grisly contents exploding, possibly in my face....
"I'll do it." I say, grimacing. "How far down?"
"Just a bit, sir. Don't clog the toilet up with your hand."
I take a deep breath, stick my hand down into the black depths, and mouth silently: "F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck..."
"Okay, what now?"
"I'll ask you to flush the toilet now, sir."
I pause. "You want me to flush my hand down the toilet."
"It won't suck it down, sir. All I need you to do is flush it and give me a verdict on the suction."
I shake my head in dispair. "Okay. Are you sure you're not a prank caller?"
"Very sure, sir. If you want, I can give you the number."
*flushing*
"I don't feel anything. No suction at all."
"Did it empty and all?"
"Yeah, pretty normal as far as I can tell. Maybe I just pulled my hand out early."
The guy goes, "Hmmm...no suction and the bowl still empties."
"That's what it looks like, yeah."
"I see...would you happen to have a banana anywhere in the house?"
I rush back to the kitchen and check the fruit bowl, seeing the one last banana that I was planning to eat later.
"What do you want me to do with it?"
"We need you to peel it and flush it down the toilet, sir. Just to see if anything happens."
I sigh. "Okay, one turd-sized banana, ripe for the eating, ready to flush."
*peels, flushes*
"How did it go, sir, did anything come back up?"
"Not that I can see, no."
"Okay, sounds like you're one of the fortunate ones. You see, sir...some people in this neighbourhood flush very strange things down the toilet. Some old lady tried to flush her clock down the toilet...we've also found DVDs, pens, some of the stuff is just unbelievable."
"You don't say!"
"Have you flushed anything strange down your toilet lately, sir?"
"No, my family and I aren't that retarded."
"Good to know, sir."
And he leaves me his company's phone number just in case and hangs up, leaving me with a cold, soggy hand, which I spent five minutes washing.
What a crazy call.
"Hello?"
"Hi, sir. There's been a sewer blockage in your area, a major one, and we've been doing spot checks around your neighbourhood. Has there been any issues with your toilet in the last few hours?"
I rack my brains. "Ermm, no. I went to the bathroom an hour ago and didn't notice anything strange."
"Nothing at all, sir?"
"Nothing that I could tell."
"Okay, sir. May I ask what manner you were using it in?"
"Well, I took a piss, if that's what you mean.", sez I, confused.
The man at the other end goes: "All right. I'm asking this because sometimes the sewage can build up to the point until it gets so serious that your toilet explodes, and quite frankly that would not be a very pleasant experience, especially if you were using it at the time. And we really want to prevent this, but we can't send a truck to every house in the district."
I make a face and go, "I see."
"Now, would you happen to have a plastic bag anywhere in the house? Like, a grocery bag?"
I glance at the Sears bag in the corner. "Sure, why do you ask?"
"If you could cover your hand with it, please."
I do as he says and suddenly realise where this is going.
"Now, sir...we'll understand if you don't want to do this, but I need to ask you to stick your hand down the toilet."
I weigh the options: A quick, uncomfortable check vs. a toilet and its grisly contents exploding, possibly in my face....
"I'll do it." I say, grimacing. "How far down?"
"Just a bit, sir. Don't clog the toilet up with your hand."
I take a deep breath, stick my hand down into the black depths, and mouth silently: "F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck..."
"Okay, what now?"
"I'll ask you to flush the toilet now, sir."
I pause. "You want me to flush my hand down the toilet."
"It won't suck it down, sir. All I need you to do is flush it and give me a verdict on the suction."
I shake my head in dispair. "Okay. Are you sure you're not a prank caller?"
"Very sure, sir. If you want, I can give you the number."
*flushing*
"I don't feel anything. No suction at all."
"Did it empty and all?"
"Yeah, pretty normal as far as I can tell. Maybe I just pulled my hand out early."
The guy goes, "Hmmm...no suction and the bowl still empties."
"That's what it looks like, yeah."
"I see...would you happen to have a banana anywhere in the house?"
I rush back to the kitchen and check the fruit bowl, seeing the one last banana that I was planning to eat later.
"What do you want me to do with it?"
"We need you to peel it and flush it down the toilet, sir. Just to see if anything happens."
I sigh. "Okay, one turd-sized banana, ripe for the eating, ready to flush."
*peels, flushes*
"How did it go, sir, did anything come back up?"
"Not that I can see, no."
"Okay, sounds like you're one of the fortunate ones. You see, sir...some people in this neighbourhood flush very strange things down the toilet. Some old lady tried to flush her clock down the toilet...we've also found DVDs, pens, some of the stuff is just unbelievable."
"You don't say!"
"Have you flushed anything strange down your toilet lately, sir?"
"No, my family and I aren't that retarded."
"Good to know, sir."
And he leaves me his company's phone number just in case and hangs up, leaving me with a cold, soggy hand, which I spent five minutes washing.
What a crazy call.
What the hell
= my reaction.
