Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.

Jokes thread entering the area! Please clear

Can people that know GOOD jokes post them here?
My father needs a few good jokes for a symposium

The only ones I can think of right now are the incomprehensible physics ones that my friends sometimes 'crack'.

if they're good, crack away

They are neither amusing nor comprehensible.

never mind than

I got a great one.

One day a blonde decided to dye her hair because she was tired of all the blonde jokes. She also bought herself a fancy new car and went for a drive. She drove by a pasture with a shepard watching over them. She stopped her car and walked up to him. She said, "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepard looked skeptical but agreed. She stared long and hard at them and finally said "187". The shepard was amazed. "That was exactly right. I guess you can have one." She walked all through the sheep and finally picked one. When she was about to pull away, the shepard stepped up to her car. He said, "Ma'am? If I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"

thanks, it's noted and passed

Give me a subject matter and I will try to come up with a Joke, what is the subject of the symposium or any subjects he wishes to touch on with humour. One to start with:-

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

symposium is about catalysts for plastic and stuff like that

Oh right, I'll try, but don't hold your breath. Ask him whether there's anything in particular he wishes to touch on humourously ie idiot colleague/associates, reactions etc. Below is a brief description that might be applied to working practises.

=: Real Life := In the Beginning was The Vision and then came The assumptions and The Assumptions were without Form and The Vision was without Substance. And Darkness was upon the faces of the workers. And they spoke amongst themselves, saying "It is a Crock of Crap, and it Stinketh."

And the Workers went to their supervisors and sayeth unto them: "It is a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the supervisors went to their managers, and sayeth unto them: "It is a container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the managers went to the Directors and sayeth unto them: "It is a vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents and sayeth: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very Strong."

And the Vice Presidents went to their Executives and sayeth unto them: "It promoteth growth, and it is very Powerful."

And the Executives went to the President, and sayeth unto him: "This powerful new Vision will actively promote the growth and efficiency of our departments and the company overall."

The President looked upon the Vision and saw that it was Good. And the Vision became Reality.

subject doesn't matter, only has to be a clean one

thanks for the two jokes, Corran

I'll PM or EMail you some more if you want, but here's another to be going on with.

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about
their ailments.

"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour
my coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can
still drive."

Funny.

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

and another....

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then when you see what the other person has you wish you had ordered that.

the one about the dung and aiding the departments is good.

.KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)

.LINDA BURNETT, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pickup some
groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

ONE CUSTOMER who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.

THE MAN called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains.

SHE INITIALLY passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.








AND, YES, Linda IS A BLONDE.

Lauren mentioned dung.... okay, just a classic for Monty Python fans then:

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dungggg...

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

Corran has some pretty good ones.

Do you write this stuff?

No, he steals it.

I don't steal them, if someone tells them to me, then I believe I am allowed to tell them to others. Anyhow heres another for today.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community.
You must make them stop cursing so much!", said the nun.
"Very well, Sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother Superior replied, "That's fine. However, I think the term they actually use is 'God damned, mother ****in' shov

shov?

mix between a shovel and a show???

Sounds like he forgot to paste part of the joke.

el.'

There you go, thats the missed part. Wasn't that difficult to work out was it.

So what was the joke again?

The routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community.
You must make them stop cursing so much!", said the nun.
"Very well, Sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother Superior replied, "That's fine. However, I think the term they actually use is 'God damned, mother ****in' shovel".

Happy now?

I am, as always

Happy is quite close to what you are all the time I suppose.

What am I than? lots of things? multipersonality ?

tool

a happy tool-day to you too

im a whacko

I thought he would go away.

This joke a day thing does not seem to be keeping the wacko away, in fact we seem to accumulating more. So lets try a joke about a Psychiatrist to scare them off.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

I'm still visiting

God's sitting up in his Ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to go on holiday.
He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions.

"What about Mars" , says one of them
"Nah I went there 15,000 years ago", says God, "It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty"

"What about Pluto", suggests another "Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago", says God "****in freezing was too"

"What about Mercury then" says another "It's nice but I went there about 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollix off it was that hot, never again" says God

"Well what about Earth then" suggests another "You must be Joking" says God, "I went there about 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're still bloody talking about it.

Yes, finti likes that.

I love it when they mock religions

*checks sig*
*looks at Lauren*

*looks back at yers waiting for him to explain what he's talking about*

*puts bible aside*
*grabs a pillow*
*starts to sleep*

Belgian diplomacy

*throws pillow at waffle head*

hope the pillow was filled with bricks

*starts to snor*

Ok, for today's joke we will use something From Eddie Murphy, Gundy and Finti do not need to read this as you have both heard it many times I am sure, it's the clean Eddie Murphy Joke for the Kids in the Audience.

There's a bear and rabbit taking a shit in the woods, the bear says to the rabbit "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit answers "No!", so the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

*Eddie Murphy Style Laugh*

that's not a bad joke, I like short jokes

I keep missing days, but here's another.

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints!
The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says,

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said, 'Turn around.'"

this one's good.

A new monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this; he points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that the error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him.
Eventually one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him and hears
sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the head monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the
reply..............




















"The word is celebrate."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues well into the night...............

and I know that one because it happened in Holland...

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,' he says,'I'm worried about your performance the last few games.
You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a
few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and
Brooklyn okay?'

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really
bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my
football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck
on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're f......g up every time you play
because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!'
says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this
picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got
all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my
head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'

'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's
affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester Uniteds'
success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.'

'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks
really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard
and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's
hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss
and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box ... er...boss.'

Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and
has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he
says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for
self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and
let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to
playing football.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's
really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that
tiger is.' So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is,
boss.' He says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's
this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just
can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this
picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box
all over Ferguson's desk.

'David.................... put the f*...g Frosties back in the box!'

, that's the best laugh of the day

What did the blonde say to the Nuclear physicists?
I like nuclear fission too what bait do you use.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

An american goes to alaska and goes to an inuit bar he asks the barkeeper "I want to become an Inuit how can I do that?" The barkeeper answers " you have to do three things first you have to kill a polar bear, then you have to drink a gallon of hard inuit whisky, then you have to sleep with an inuit woman." The man thinks well I'm in a bar I might as well drink that whisky. So he drinks the whisky he leaves the bar and comes back in about an hour He is in really bad condition with gashes on face, legs,everywhere he goes up to the barkeeper and asks "So where's that Inuit woman I have to kill."

Good one !

The Old Dilapidated Boat


Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is
unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact
that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries
of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the
morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed.

Little boy blue..
He needed the money

One day, a man and his daughter were walking down the street when
they see a dog lying on the ground with its feet up in the air.
The dog was obviously dead. The little girl turned to her father
and asked what was wrong with the dog. Her father replied, "The
dog is dead, his feet are up in the air so that the good Lord can
come down and take the dog to heaven."
The next day when the dad came home from work, his daughter came
running up to him and told him that Mommy had almost died! To
this he replied, "How do you know that sweetie?"
She said, "Well, she was laying on the couch with her legs up in
the air screaming 'Oh Lord, I'm coming' and if it weren't for the
mailman the Lord would have come and took her up to heaven!"

Pete had to do a school project on how democracy worked. So he asked his dad for some help.
"Dad, how does democracy work?"
"Well, son. Let's use our family as a comparison. There's the executive branch, congress, the people, the working class, and the future. I'm the executive, your mother's congress, you're the people, our maid is the working class, and your little brother is the future. Do you see now?"
Pete didn't really but said, "yes, dad"
That night Pete woke up to his baby brother crying. He walked in to his nursery and found that his brother had soiled himself. He went to his mother's room but he could not wak her. So he went to the maid's room. The door was locked so he looked through the keyhole. His father was in bed having sex with the maid. Pete gave up and went back to bed. The next morning Pete went up to his father and said "I think I get what you said about democracy yesterday. The executive branch screws the working class while congress sleeps and the people are ignored and the future is full of shit."

A russian agent was working undercover in America.One day two big guys in black costumes and black glasses came to his door , forced him into their car and drove him to CIA headquarters.
-Mister Ivan we know u are a russian agent and that u are spying but we have a proposal for u:we want u to turn into one of ours.Of course we offer good protection for ur family ,money ,cars etc!
Ivan wasn't saying anything
-I understand it's a rough decision but u must decide now!
Ivan was just sitting there.
-It appears i haven't made myself clear!Get him boys!
What's next is a good beating with broken ribs and nose etc
-So mister Ivan?
Ivan wasn't saying a word.
After 2 weeks of similar "behaviour" with even improved torture the americans couldn't get a word from him!
-Let him go,said the chief, this man has Russia tatooed on his heart!
Back in Russia Ivan is welcomed home as a hero.He is being named General ,becomes the chief of Russian spies .
After 2 years the old Ivan is being invited to assist to a new promotion of spies and to say a few words to them to encourage them.
-Comrade Ivan share with the cadets a few wise advices from your wide experience.
Ivan looks at the cadets and says with a parental look:
-Cadets!If u want to avoid what happend to me...Learn some f**c**g english first!!!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind oflanguage in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing withhis train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

You're killin' me Corran...

The jokes do seem to be working, the Wacko has been gone for a while now - now wait he's just on Holiday.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Oo nearly forgot.

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For everal days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother.

"So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."

"That's right, honey" her mother said.

"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?"

"If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.

I take Corran is away now?

okie

*starts pressing buttons* 1 1 1 1 1 1; can some1 lease press 2 for me??;3, 4, 5, 6;7;9696969696969; 8...i may have a problem...i dont kno my name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number or my mothers maiden name ;*slowly pushes the buttons*0...0...0;ok..one more question...wat was the button for short-term memory loss..i forgot...

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

hmm

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BUL

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing `The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's `What's new, pussy cat?' It's _so_ embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

The doctor, finishing his notes, looked up from his clipboard and replied, "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of `Tom Jones syndrome.'"

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

Replied the doctor, "It's not unusual....."

Why are Pizza Delivery men and Gynecologists the worst professions in the world?

They can smell it but they cannot taste it.

hmmm
maybe

ermmmmmm

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son.

lol..yeah..good one

not bad

But not necessarily good either.

I didn't say it was good

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.

forgott one, a woman who likes to party

I forgot yesterday so here's yesterdays:-

A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Jones' daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Jones."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Jones' daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

http://216.40.241.68/contrib/lilly/hmm3grin2orange.gif

A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir"?
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again".
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son".

The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume"!

... don't get it

hehe not bad, tho it kinda has something about it that makes smoking seem less than the horrible thing that it is

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, darn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air. 'The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'

hehe not bad but I'm no fan of the dumb blond jokes

because you're blonde too?

or because you're dumb?

nah, FM isn't dumb...not smart either though

Yerssot's not alive, not dead either....yet.

I'm more then a plant

right!

you're a waffle

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh* it out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his as*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did ! not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall & smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!?" "No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can't!", "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, & in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead & give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"

lol

Bit of a UK-centric joke, that one...

uh... huh...

But very funny, especially when you come from over the water.

it is soooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooolllllllldddddddddddddd

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

always an excuse from the females

hey!

I can't say I get that problem.

me neither on that department, but when you ask if it is alright for you to head to the pub. Then they come up with a lot of excuses for things that should keep you away from the pub. Even if you gave notice two weeks in advance. Like they come up with things for me to do right when I am clean shaved and ready to hit town to watch the footie on the tube

Closing this anyway. We make a clean start. Start another joke thread if you want.