no Tittle yet But CHECK THIS OUT PLZ

Text-only Version: Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.



animelover4ever
It was a cool foggy night. Julie walked into the park gates and folowed the stone path that seemed to never go anywhere. She watched out for sticks as she followed the path into the fog. She thought someone was following her so she walked a little faster. She heard a voice the seemed to flow with the wind. "Julie,"The Voice said. Julie ran to through the park to the gate at the other side. She looked behind her in relief. She went down the street to her house. She opened the door and walked up the stairs to her mom's room. "Mom I'm home," Julie said. "Get ready for bed," Julie's mom said. She goes and brushes her teeth and puts her night gown on. She goes in her room turns out the lights and goes to sleep.
She wakes up to the sun shining on her face.Julie rubs her sleepy eyes and gets up. She walks to her calendar. "It's moms birthday I almost forgot!" Julie said almost yelling. She puts her clothes fast on and runs into the kitchen."Good, moms not awake,"She said as she takes the eggs out of the refrigerator. Julie starts cooking eggs and bacon for her and her mom. Then she makes butter toast. She grabs a heart shaped tray and goes upstairs to her mom's room. Julie knocks on the door. "Mom I've made you breakfeast," Julie says sweetly. She comes in and sets the tray on her mom's lap. "Happy birthday mom,"Julie said. Julie gives her mom a hug. They eat together. "Mom I'm going out today ok?"Julie said. "Where are you going Julie?" Julie's mom asked. "To a few stores," Julie replies. "I want you home bye 1:00," Julie's mom said. "Don't worry I will mom," Julie said then gave her mom a kiss. She takes the dishes to the kitchen and washes them. Then she drys them and puts them away. She goes upstairs gets dress and brushes her teeth and hair.She opens her drawer and takes her allowance out to go shopping for her mom.
She goes outside and looks at the park gate. She shivers."I'll take the long way," Julie said. She looked at her watch. "Oh man...looks like I'll have to go through park its almost 10:30," Julie said with her voice trembling a little. She goes through the gate and starts walking on stone the path. Julie walks past a couple and their picnic. She reaches the other side. The wind picks up and Julie shivers. She heard the voice again. "Julie," the voice called out. The wind knocked her down to the stone ground. "Leave me alone!" Julie yelled. Then the woman at the picnic came up to her and the wind died down. "What's wrong?" The woman asked helping Julie get up.. "Didn't you hear a voice?" Julie asked as she wiped her jeans off. "No I didn't," the woman replied. "What about the wind picking up?" Julie asked hoping to find an answer. "There was a breeze but it wasn't windy," the woman said. "Well then theres nothing to worry about then," Julie said. "Let me interduce myself," the woman said and smiled. "I'm Jessica,"the woman said. "Call me Jess," Jessica said. "I'm Julie," said Julie. "Nice to meet you Julie,"Jessica said and they shook hands. "You can come over my house anytime you like," Jessica said. "If you take the long way around the park I live on the last house on the road that you come out on at the other gate,"Jessica said. "I no that house it's beautiful," Julie said. "Thank you," Jessica said. Julie looks at her watch. "Oh dear its 11:10," Julie said. "I have to go buy a present for my mom bye," Julie said. "If your not too busy tomorrow can you come like around noon?" Jessica asked. "I'll try,"Julie said with a smile. They waved good bye.
Julie past through the gate. She looked to her left and right and crossed the road when it was safe. Julie went to the Antique Shop first. "Hello Julie," the shop keeper said."Hello," Julie said. She goes in and looks at the nicely wooden carved horse. "How much is this sir,"Julie asked. "Your lucky today its 50% off," The shop keeper said. "So it's 5$?"Julie asked. The shop keeper nods. "I'll buy it," Julie said.She pays for the gift. She leaves the store and goes to a card shop."A new face," the shop keeper said. It's full of trading cards, get well cards, birthday cards, and much more. "Where's the birthday cards?" Julie asked. He takes Julie over to the Birthday card section. She picks out a blue card with sparkles. "Thats a nice one," the shop keeper said and smiled. She goes to pay for it. "That's 1$ please," The cashier said. "Ok," Julie said while she paid the cashier. "I hope to see you around again," the shop keeper said. "You will," Julie said and smiled. She goes to the cake shop next and looks at the cakes. She saw a small cake with hearts the decorated it. "May I get this cake please," Julie asked. "Yes that will be $7.50," the cashier said. Julie pays her. "Who's birthday," the cake maker asked. "My mom's birthday," Julie said. "Isn't that nice of you to buy her a cake," the cake maker said. She leaves and goes to Dollar General next. She buys a bag and colored tissue for the gift she got. Julie leaves and looks at her watch it was 12:49. "I better go," Julie said. She gets to the park gate. She goes into the park and walks along the path. Julie closed hers eyes hoping she wouldn't hear the voice again. She reaches the other side. She looks behind her in relief. She goes through the gate.
She looked both ways then walked across the road,down the street and up her stairs to her house. She goes inside and sets the stuff on the kitchen table. "Mom I'm home," Julie said. "I'm in the living room honey" Julie's mom said. "Don't come in the kitchen mom," Julie said. "Ok darling," her mom said. She puts 3 candles in the cake and sets it in the refrigerator. She puts the horse in colored tissue and sets it carefully in the bag. She signs the card in cursive and writes "To a dear mother. May you have a greatful Birthday. Hugs and kisses, Julie" She puts the card in the bag and sets the bag on the table. "There perfect!" Julie said excited. She goes in the living room and sees her mom on the laptop. "Mommy It's time for your birthday," Julie said and smiled. Her mom gets up and walks to Julie. "Close your eyes mom," Julie said. She guided her mom to the kitchen. "Stay there," Julie said while walking to the refrigerator. She takes out the cake and sets in front of her mom. She walked to drawers and grab a match and lit the candles. She blew out the match and threw it away. She walked to her mom's side. "Open your eyes mom!" Julie said. Julie's mom opened her eyes and gasped. "Happy birthday mom!"Julie said. "This is wonderful honey!" her mom said excited. Her mom gave Julie a big hug then sat down. Julie smiled. "Now hurry make your wish before the candles melt into your cake,"Julie said. Her mom blew out the candles. She gave her mom the bag. Julie's mom takes the card out and reads it. "To someone special.....To a dear mom, May your have a greatful Birthday. Hugs and kisses, Julie." Julie's mom had tears in her eyes. "Thank you Julie," she said while giving a hug to Julie. Julie's mom starts unwrapping the tissue. She reveals the horse. "It's Beautiful," Julie's mom said. She cut a piece of cake for her mom. Her mom eats the cake. "Don't you want any Julie?" Julie's mom asked. "I'll eat some later," Julie said. She takes the dishes and washes them. Then puts them away.
Julie goes upstairs to her room and wrote in her journal "I keep on hearing voices that I found out no one else hears. Today was mom's birthday and she loved it. It made me so happy. I met this person named Jessica and she wants me too come over to her house tomorrow." She puts the journal under her pillow. Julie grabs her book and starts reading it. Then she listens to Matalica. She listens to her favorie song "So what". She turns off the music and brushes her hair. Her mom walks in the room. "Julie,"Julie's mom said. "Yes mom,"Julie said. "I'm taking us out to eat tonight,"Julie's mom said smilling. "Yay," Julie said excited. Julie's mom leaves her room. She took her clothes off and put a skirt and blouse on. "Are you ready Julie?" Julie's mom asked. "Yeah I'm comming,"Julie said putting her earings in. She went downstairs to her mom in the living room. "Lets go," Julie said.

l.saratn
Just want to point you that you should space between each paragraph.

H. S. 6
Originally posted by l.saratn
Just want to point you that you should space between each paragraph.

thumb up

Many people (myself included) will not read the story if it's one blob of... words.

Also remember that every time a character speaks, a new paragraph begins.

animelover4ever
ok thanks guys

animelover4ever
big grin

Syren
Also, past/present tense use. If you're using one, try to stick to it thumb up

animelover4ever
Ive noticed i've done that now=( but ill make it all better. thanks soo much!!

Syren
No problem, thanks for sharing big grin

animelover4ever
no prob theres more but i got to fix it.

iluvhp1_7
Originally posted by l.saratn
Just want to point you that you should space between each paragraph.

That^, and you don't have to explain everything so specifically. It's okay sometimes but sometimes you can just be like- I saw a beautifully carved horse and figured my mom would love it. I picked out a cute card and was on my way.- It was very good though. Can't wait for more! And I'm glad you decided to post here. The people are really nice here aren't they. I know your new here but really it's a good site.

Text-only Version: Click HERE to see this thread with all of the graphics, features, and links.