Bank Prank...

"TMs are a convenience ... for the banks. Every ATM replaces the job of 1.5 full-time tellers, and yet the banks still have the balls to charge us for using their ATMs. In other words, we have to pay to help them save.

With a scam like that, you think they'd at least give us pens that work. And yet, half the time the pen at the ATM is out of ink. Often the pen is missing entirely, even though it was once attached by a heavy steel cable. Are criminals that desperate for a writing utensil that they bring a pair of professional-grade metal cutters to the bank? What does it say about bank security when thieves are stealing their pens?

Fed up, I called the bank and confronted them with the pen situation in the following prank phone call.

BANK OF AMERICA: Thank you for calling Bank of America. This is Francine, how may I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hey, you know the pens at the ATM?

BOA: Uh-huh.

JH: Do you guys ever have plans to put working pens in there?

BOA: The best thing to do is to contact the branch manager where the ATM is located, and make sure they have pens there.

JH: But there aren't any working pens at any of your ATMs.

BOA: Uh-huh.

JH: Half the time they're out of ink, half the time they're missing.

BOA: Can you hold?

JH: Sure.

[Hold time of 2:11 while she confers with a manager about the pen situation]

BOA: Okay. The reason we don't have pens there is because we're transferring to new ATM technology that you don't need pens anymore. Now when you make a deposit, you don't need to write anything. You do it all on the touch-screen.

JH: Don't you still need to sign your checks?

BOA: [Pause] Yeah, if you need to sign your checks, then you can go into the branch.

JH: But the branch is closed. They're only open, like, twelve hours a week. That's why I use the ATM.

BOA: Usually the best thing to do, then, is to sign your checks at home.

JH: It's not real safe to carry around fully-endorsed checks, is it?

BOA: That depends on how you carry your checks around.

JH: In my hand.

BOA: Okay. You don't have a wallet or anything?

JH: Not a wallet that's big enough to accommodate those huge checks.

BOA: [Pause] Okay, um.

JH: I win a lot of sweepstakes.

BOA: Um...

JH: Are the pens stolen, Francine?

BOA: Sometimes the pens can be stolen, that's correct.

JH: Well, it doesn't make me feel like my money is super-safe when you guys can't even hang on to the pen.

BOA: I'm so sorry that you do feel that way. A lot of times people can be very manipulative and take the pen.

JH: So if somebody wants to be manipulative and take my money, you'll let them?

BOA: No, sir. Of course not.

JH: Could you station security guards to watch over the pens, then?

BOA: I'm sorry sir, we would not be able to do that. We do have cameras in the ATMs, though.

JH: So you guys are actively prosecuting the pen thieves that you've caught on camera?

BOA: Well, we wouldn't be able to crucify people for taking the pens.

JH: Whoa. Whoa, ho, hey. I'm not asking for crucifixion. That's just crazy.

BOA: I understand, sir.

JH: Electrocution, maybe. But nailing someone to a cross? That's barbaric. I can't believe you'd even suggest that.

BOA: I'm sorry, sir. What I can do is pass your comments along if you'd like.

JH: Here's another suggestion, Francine. See, I'm a blind man.

BOA: Okay.

JH: I'm not naturally blind, but I'm legally blind. I'm also legally blind 2: red, white, and blind. And sometimes I go downtown and sell pencils.

BOA: All right.

JH: I have a little cup, with the pencils, and sometimes my dog. Occasionally a monkey.

BOA: Uh-huh.

JH: What I'd like to start doing is selling my pencils in your ATM booths. When people need to sign their checks or whatnot, I'll be standing in the booth, close up against them, holding my mug of pencils. I don't wear sunglasses, so they could look right into my blind eyes. What do you think?

BOA: Well, I don't think they'd feel comfortable with you standing right next to them.

JH: Are you discriminating?

BOA: I'm not discriminating at all.

JH: You said they'd feel uncomfortable standing next to a blind man.

BOA: If I was standing next to someone, anyone, while I was doing my banking business, I'd feel uncomfortable.

JH: Why?! I can't see.

BOA: I totally understand that, but... [trails off]

JH: Is it OK if I wear a Bank of America sign around my neck?

BOA: No, you wouldn't be able to use the Bank of America logo.

JH: I promise to use only the highest-quality cardboard.

BOA: We wouldn't be able to let you do that, sir.

JH: [Sigh] I'm out of ideas here, Francine. I have tried to bring you my best thinking on how to solve the pen crisis.

BOA: Why don't you just carry a pen around with you, for any time you need to make a banking transaction?

JH: Huh. Well, that's an idea.

BOA: Okay?

JH: So you guys can stop providing pens, even as you lay off tellers and continue to increase your ATM fees. And I can take care of the pen situation on my own?

BOA: For the pen situation, you can definitely take care of that on your own, correct.

JH: Maybe I could store my own money for you, as well! In my own vault!

BOA: If you want to store your own money in a vault, that's up to you.

JH: But you'll still charge me.

BOA: If you'd like us to, yes sir.

JH: Well, that's quite a bargain. Thanks, Francine.

BOA: I do thank you for being a great Bank of America customer, and you have...

JH: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a Bank of America customer.

BOA: OK, well then, I do thank you for calling.

JH: And I do thank you as well. Goodbye."

- http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&sort=funnymtd&head=1&thread_id=67468

I couldn't stop laughing.

That was smurfen sweet.

Clever.

*actually reads the whole thing*

😆 😆

😂

❌

Originally posted by AOR
❌

How could you not find that funny?

no funny bone...

Originally posted by §P0oONY
How could you not find that funny?

weep because I'm Francine....

Actually I thought it was hilarious, but who's remembered for doing what everyone else did? Death to CONFORMIST hitler

Originally posted by JaehSkywalker
no funny bone...

AOR's funny bone ermm

MARRIOTT RENAISSANCE HOTELS: This is Tom, how can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: I was recently staying in a Renaissance Hotel, and I wanted to know: how often do you guys change the sheets?

MRH: Well, it depends upon the guest. Some people want it every day, some people want it every few days. It really depends upon the guest.

JH: Well, here's the problem: I woke up one morning and my bed was wet.

MRH: Sure.

JH: I have no idea if there was a leak in the ceiling, or maybe it was condensation from the air conditioner, but when my bed is wet, I expect it to be changed.

MRH: True.

JH: But you didn't! You just made up a wet bed! I went to an important client meeting that day, and when I came back, the bed was STILL WET! So I had to sleep the second night in a wet bed.

MRH: Hang on. You "had" to sleep in a wet bed?

JH: Where was I supposed to sleep, the minibar?

MRH: I would have called the front desk and demanded that my bed be changed.

JH: Now, don't you make this my fault. It was your bed that was wet.

MRH: But you went to sleep in it?

JH: I was very tired. It was a really long day.

MRH: To make you sleep on wet, damp, stinky sheets? No. No way.

JH: Who said anything about stinky?

MRH: I would have...

JH: But there was an acrid smell, Tom. Like a dog kennel. And then the next morning, I woke up and it was EVEN WETTER! It soaked through my clothing, into my underwear. Disgusting. My pajamas were soaked.

MRH: I would have called the front desk immediately.

JH: Maybe I should have. But maybe you guys should have put down rubber sheets, if your beds spontaneously wet themselves.

MRH: [Silence]

JH: I had to go to my client meeting with damp clothing. Guess what? I came back that night: the linens STILL weren't changed! I mean, come ON! Three nights in a wet bed? I might as well sleep in a storm drain!

MRH: Did you tell anyone about this?

JH: Yes. My diary.

MRH: Your diary.

JH: Well, it's more like a journal. I guess guys don't keep diaries.

MRH: Did you report this to customer care?

JH: What am I doing now?! For Pete's sake, Tom! Let's change some bedding, here!

MRH: I mean, this is the first time you've reported it.

JH: Yes. And I also forgot to mention that there was a slimy white substance, kind of like ectoplasm. It had the consistency of mushroom soup.

MRH: And where was that?

JH: On my bed and clothes. Some in my hair.

MRH: And you slept in that?

JH: Well, I woke up in it, anyway.

MRH: [Pause] I'm not sure what you want me to do here, sir.

JH: Look: I just think you guys should change the sheets every night, without me having to call the manager. Even at a fleabag motel off the interstate, they change the freaking sheets. I've stayed at some real dumps, believe me. But when I wake up in a wet bed, they always change the sheets, no questions asked.

MRH: Okay.

JH: "Okay"? I sleep in Louisiana swampland for three nights and all you can say is "Okay"?

MRH: I'm listening to you.

JH: I guess I thought you were a "customer care professional," Tom. I was hoping for a little more "care."

MRH: I am. I'm listening, like a fly on the wall. I'm documenting everything you're saying. So you're telling me you went to a four-star hotel; that you woke up and the bed was wet; then you went to your meeting, didn't tell anyone at the hotel that the bed was wet; housekeeping came in and made up a wet bed; then you went back to the wet bed because you was tired; then you woke up and the bed was even wetter, acrid, humid, and so forth; and even after that, you took a shower and put on wet underwear under your dry suit; then you went to a meeting in public.

JH: Also, there were long brown smears on the comforter.

MRH: Okay.

JH: I have to say, Tom, I do feel listened to. Thank you very much. You're a good listener.

MRH: Also, you think that Renaissance Hotels should change their sheets every night.

JH: Don't you think?

MRH: I agree 100% with that.

JH: Then we agree. I feel like we really got somewhere today, Tom.

MRH: Okay. I apologize for any inconvenience. Thanks for calling.

JH: Thank poo, Tom.

MRH: You have a good night.

JH: Poo too, Tom. Poo too.

One has to wonder if they are authentic, however. Especially that last one.

Either way, they made me chuckle.

FRITO-LAY: Thank you for calling Frito-Lay, this is Alice. How may I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi. I was eating a bag of your Puffed Cheetos the other day, and I noticed that you say they are "dangerously cheesy."

FL: Uh-huh.

JH: I have a six-year-old daughter, and I'm worried about her eating something dangerous.

FL: [Chuckle] That's, uh, that's an advertisement. Our marketing department thought it was catchy. Cheetos are not threatening, or dangerous, at all.

JH: Do they contain shards of glass?

FL: No. By "dangerously cheesy," we just mean they are very cheesy.

JH: Do Cheetos cause cancer?

FL: No. Rest assured, you have nothing to worry about.

JH: Will they explode in your mouth?

FL: No.

JH: So they don't explode with cheesy flavor?

FL: [Pause] Is there anything else I can help you with today?

JH: It's just that "dangerous" is such a dangerous-sounding word.

FL: Sir, it's just an advertisement.

JH: So you're advertising that your product is dangerous?

FL: No, no. If it was dangerous, the FDA wouldn't allow us to keep the product on the market. We follow all FDA regulations.

JH: Okay. You're absolutely sure your Cheetos are safe to eat?

FL: Yes sir.

JH: Even if my daughter is extremely allergic to cheese?

FL: OK, then, yeah. I wouldn't recommend you give her that product.

JH: One bite and she goes into anaphylactic shock. Do you know what that is?

FL: No. What is that?

JH: She can die in three hours if we don't get her to a hospital.

FL: OK, well this is a cheese product, ma'am. I recommend you don't give her that.

JH: So they are dangerous?

FL: They're not dangerous. [Flustered] They're not dangerous. If she's allergic to cheese, she could get sick from that. But they're not dangerous.

JH: I really wish you'd make up your mind. Your packaging says it's dangerous, then you tell me it's not, then you tell me it is.

FL: I never said it was dangerous. You're misleading the conversation. You just shouldn't give it to her if she's allergic to cheese. We have patients that are allergic to gluten. They shouldn't eat any of our products that contain gluten.

JH: It just seems like there's a little confusion over there at Frito-Lay on whether it's dangerous or not.

FL: No, it's not a dangerous product. If it was dangerous, it wouldn't be sold to consumers.

JH: Well, I would also think it wouldn't say the word "dangerous" on the front.

FL: It's, it's ... it's all advertisement. It's just another way of saying they're extremely cheesy.

JH: You wouldn't say "fatally cheesy." Because people might think that you'd die.

FL: Okay, I'll pass all this along to our marketing department.

JH: I'd appreciate that. I mean, why not just call them "deadly cheesy"?

FL: Sir, I understand this is a problem FOR YOU. I will be sure to pass your comments along.

JH: "Asphyxiatingly cheesy"?

FL: There's nothing I can do on my end as far as you feeling that way. But I'll be sure to document this call. Thank you for calling Frito-Lay!

JH: Hang on Alice. One second. I've got another call coming in. Can you hang on?

FL: Okay.

[I put down the phone for approximately two minutes, and Alice patiently waits]

JH: I'm sorry, that was the doctor on the other line. It was the allergist. We just got my daughter's allergy tests back, and good news. She's not allergic to cheese after all.

FL: Okay. Well then, it's up to you whether you want to give the product to her or not.

JH: Great, so they're not dangerous?

FL: No.

JH: He said she was allergic to something called gluten?

FL: OK. [At the end of her rope] OK. All right, well, you may not want to give this product to her then.

JH: You're really flip-flopping on me here, Alice.

FL: I'll be sure to pass your comments along. Thank you for calling Frito-Lay, and you have a good day. [Hangs up on me]

i wouldve hung up way before that 😬

dangit
posted twice
sorry 😊