Revived, (critique welcomed, be nice)

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~Forever*Alone~

Velkyn
wow, interesting way with words and emotions, Forever alone. Keep up the poetry. Lemme know if you want to swap lines here and there too.

~Forever*Alone~
some old stuff of mine that i liked, 4 seperate poems here, all my poems are pretty short, i dont have the attention span to make them any longer, or the skill.


im not a real poet,
but who did i deceive?
the wind wont spread my evil breath,
what thought would you receive?
i tell all feeble lies,
no truth to my tall tales,
nothing left, no concept even,
spoken by the gales,

the tears of the sky,
wash away all reason,
feed the changing season,
spread by whispered lies,

frozen winters heart,
tears become ice,
lost scattered, broken apart,
the wind says its goodbyes,



2nd poem

I sit in darkness, ignorance,
In a cage with bars of steel sorrow,
A cracked lock, heart shaped,
Wrapped in chains of unknown tomorrow,

No light glimmers beyond the cage,
I am nowhere known to me,
blinded by sadness, binded by fear,
Is this really where i want to be?

A jewel falls upon a link,
Shimmering with a radiant light,
A warmth flows down my cold skin,
An end to my eternal night,

For so long I've held back these tears,
And with a new freedom they flow,
Melt away these chains of torment,
Finally I am free to let go,



3rd poem

the stars in the sky hang gracefully
staring down at you with eternal eyes
never judging who you could be
they know their place in the skies

shining brightly for so long
as though they know all is right
but they dont even know whats wrong
for them its all just night

and though the moon begins to set
the sky lightens with sunrise
the stars are not gone yet
they are always there, with their eternal eyes.

goodnight stars, goodnight
you make everything all right.


4th poem

i can stand the pain of a broken bone,
but not a broken heart,
because this being all alone,
is tearing me apart,

so when i look into your eyes,
and see such honest love,
it lifts me up into the skies,
im soaring like a dove.


i think #4 is my favorite, because i wrote it out of love. smile

FŽanor
Originally posted by ~Forever*Alone~
some old stuff of mine that i liked, 4 seperate poems here, all my poems are pretty short, i dont have the attention span to make them any longer, or the skill.


im not a real poet,
but who did i deceive?
the wind wont spread my evil breath,
what thought would you receive?
i tell all feeble lies,
no truth to my tall tales,
nothing left, no concept even,
spoken by the gales,

the tears of the sky,
wash away all reason,
feed the changing season,
spread by whispered lies,

frozen winters heart,
tears become ice,
lost scattered, broken apart,
the wind says its goodbyes,



2nd poem

I sit in darkness, ignorance,
In a cage with bars of steel sorrow,
A cracked lock, heart shaped,
Wrapped in chains of unknown tomorrow,

No light glimmers beyond the cage,
I am nowhere known to me,
blinded by sadness, binded by fear,
Is this really where i want to be?

A jewel falls upon a link,
Shimmering with a radiant light,
A warmth flows down my cold skin,
An end to my eternal night,

For so long I've held back these tears,
And with a new freedom they flow,
Melt away these chains of torment,
Finally I am free to let go,



3rd poem

the stars in the sky hang gracefully
staring down at you with eternal eyes
never judging who you could be
they know their place in the skies

shining brightly for so long
as though they know all is right
but they dont even know whats wrong
for them its all just night

and though the moon begins to set
the sky lightens with sunrise
the stars are not gone yet
they are always there, with their eternal eyes.

goodnight stars, goodnight
you make everything all right.


4th poem

i can stand the pain of a broken bone,
but not a broken heart,
because this being all alone,
is tearing me apart,

so when i look into your eyes,
and see such honest love,
it lifts me up into the skies,
im soaring like a dove.


i think #4 is my favorite, because i wrote it out of love. smile nice?

Tempest
gr8 work

~Forever*Alone~

FŽanor
Originally posted by ~Forever*Alone~
you dont like my stuff? of course i do. i think they're good.

but i did get your attention, didn't I?

SilverWave
pretty smile

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~
free verse, i hate free verse.



scattered around in their heavy carapaces.
on the green grass like dark little ants,
the red ants would eat them alive,
it was obvious i was cheering for the underdog.

first down, the dark ants in possession,
oh no, i dont know football lingo,
whos winning again?
oh right.

the blue ants were squishing my ants,
why? they never stood a chance.
the squished ants crawl off the field dejected,
I hate ants.

smile

~Forever*Alone~
*sigh* nobody cares

i havent got any creative juices

~Forever*Alone~
when she finally looked up from her dreams,
my whole world dissappeared,
in her eyes i saw gleams,
of what i only feared.

and then she was lost from me forever,
i knew she could never return,
all the pain id caused her,
is causing me to burn.

to forget it all and start over again is my hope,
running away to leave it all behind,
last time i couldnt cope,
i lost my mind.

calvinNhobbes
MY EYES rocked. It was descriptive yet short. It was surprising and jarring leaving me wandering. Although this poem left me with a lot of questions that could start a story I was still left satisfied with the brief glimpse into the beauty of the macabre and sad. I could imagine Tim Burton writing this one.

Poem 1 seems to be missing a stanza. Were the ideas of seasons or the elements suppose to be complete?

Poem 2 The cage metaphor seems weak while the last 2 stanzas are much stronger.

Poem 3 Opitimistic yet simple. I like it.

Poem 4 I liked the first 2 lines but the was average.

The last poem made me want to find more lines. I like the first 2 stanzas but the last one seemed like a quick end just to finish the poem.

~Forever*Alone~
Originally posted by calvinNhobbes
MY EYES rocked. It was descriptive yet short. It was surprising and jarring leaving me wandering. Although this poem left me with a lot of questions that could start a story I was still left satisfied with the brief glimpse into the beauty of the macabre and sad. I could imagine Tim Burton writing this one.

Poem 1 seems to be missing a stanza. Were the ideas of seasons or the elements suppose to be complete?

Poem 2 The cage metaphor seems weak while the last 2 stanzas are much stronger.

Poem 3 Opitimistic yet simple. I like it.

Poem 4 I liked the first 2 lines but the was average.

The last poem made me want to find more lines. I like the first 2 stanzas but the last one seemed like a quick end just to finish the poem.

my eyes: thank you

poem1: yeah, but i get burned out.

poem2: i usually start out strong, i kinda wrote that one backwards, immitating poe.

poem3: thank you

poem4: agreed

i do end too quickly, mostly because i dont have time but also because i suck and stuff.

thank you for reviewing, mostly people just ignore me smile

calvinNhobbes
Glad to have given you some input. I don't think you suck though. It is obvious from your first poem that you can write. Some people can be prolific and write off the cuff like Krunkd Floo or NUnyah while others have to write a lot before they are happy with one. My own writing is that way. I have written a few poems over the years as I struggle to understand things and I find only a few of my writings to my liking. Nunyah Bidness has a good thread going which will expose you to a lot of classics, ones I don't particular care for but ones that help to develop a base to build off of. Plus I think Nunyah gives great advice. Krunk Floo is harder for me to follow but he gives helpful advice in an enigmatic manner like a court jester. Finally check out Coldfire's poetry to see how she has developed through constant practice and experimentation. She has been posting so long that you can see points at which she is improving. Hope this all helps you to keep writing and sharing. Thanks.

~Forever*Alone~
wow thank you. i have skimmed over those threads, and, well...


anyway....


they make me not want to write.

calvinNhobbes
I was hoping that some of those threads would help you to be inspired but I didn't think they would turn you off to writing. I have written more poems that I am not happy with than I care to admit. I still write poetry though because in the end it is really for me. When I get words written down that can hold my thoughts with crystal clarity it makes me happy. When other people don't see what I see I don't consider glasses, I describe what I see to better share who I am. Please don't be discouraged, instead let your talent mature and let us watch it develop.

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~
its my birthday, happy birthday me.

~Forever*Alone~
i dont know how to begin,
or how to go about,
bringing others in,
and letting myself out.

d-fly_girl008
Wow. Your stuff is amazing. I think My Eyes is my favorite of yours.

Keep up the good work!!

~Forever*Alone~
Originally posted by d-fly_girl008
Wow. Your stuff is amazing. I think My Eyes is my favorite of yours.

Keep up the good work!!

wow, thank you

d-fly_girl008

~Forever*Alone~
heres some new old sh...tuff that i couldnt put up till now

lord of the flies chapter 1

upon a tropical island shore,
with sand so white and clean and pure,
two strangers wander aimlessly,
to find out where they might be.

the sea, the warmth seems fantasy,
they find themselvs in extacy,
eager for fun and on a whim,
one takes off his clothes and goes for a swim.

then on the beach and in the shade,
against the palm trees where he laid,
he watched as the lagoon shimmered,
but underneath it something glittered.

the conch shell that had caught his eye,
upon the sea ferns where it lye,
it made a sound so loud and strong,
it echoed far and for so long.

across the island others heard the sound,
they came and gathered all around,
an island of lost little boys,
just a few more of gods toys.

they decided who their leader was,
they chose Ralph, just because,
then he went out to explore,
to find out if it was an island for sure.

through the forest and climb the mountain,
their joy they could not detain,
it was such a beautiful view,
but they had to find out what to do.

so down the mountain they went,
among flowers with a pretty scent,
back to the place they came from,
to learn how to live in their new home.

LiL_GuRL23
My lonely eyes, They never wonder,
But i wonder if they wonder,
Those who wonder upon the light, the tights,
Bright eyed, night lied, pried open by crime.
Through their prime they dry, cry and die.
They lie and buy, try and pry.....
They hide, bide their time, and climb, to bind.
Drop the coin, coil it around and boil it.
Close it in foil and confide in it.

cheers guys just thought i'd make some stuff up on the spot.

jlee17xoxo412

~Forever*Alone~
Bad Sonnet #2

A slowly flowing river is as time,
A course long carved and followed endlessly,
It's eternal path so cruel and sublime,
Its duty to act so maliciously,
Time like a cycle of lovers quarrels,
Separated by hate, bound by their love,
the river will take them in its whorls,
They'll be taken home by the lord above,
Time lets them know where it is that they stand,
Friends and enemies all by the same bide,
like walking along the beach in the sand,
our footprints are washed away by the tide,
in the end all that will be left is time,
not even remembered will be this rhyme.


i dislike sonnets, because of all the rules.

AOR
As a poet myself, I would invite you to try writing poems without the rhyme scheme. Feel free to float adrift in a river of broken rhyme schemes and off beat rhythms. To plunge into the deep end of free verse...

But your peoms are wonderfull, amazing, wonderfuly amazing?

~Forever*Alone~
Originally posted by AOR
As a poet myself, I would invite you to try writing poems without the rhyme scheme. Feel free to float adrift in a river of broken rhyme schemes and off beat rhythms. To plunge into the deep end of free verse...

But your peoms are wonderfull, amazing, wonderfuly amazing?

thank you smile

i will try free verse, although, one without... uh forgot what i was going to say.

~Forever*Alone~
A Free Verse For AOR



I Hate You Dad.

Dad, i dont know what to say.
why was i the focus of your anger?
i was just a little kid, i didnt know right from wrong,
you never told me why.
how was i supposed to know?
you asked for my forgiveness, no,
you didnt, you said you were sorry.
i thought about it. no.
im not going to forgive you, now that i can see the end result.
you would let him get away with murder, but tried to correct my every little mistake.
you made me fear mistakes, your the reason i no longer have a voice,
the reason i have no friends, no life, no love for you.
you let them watch your temperal administrations.
what a humiliation.
look at what those bastards became,
they lack no confidance, while i have none.
thanks dad, this is what youve done.

~Forever*Alone~
Goodbye Forever.


Farewell, all, as I depart,
I came and left, without a heart.

I was unknown, and never knew,
How to act, as others do.

I made few friends and I will go,
Without a friend to care or know.

But first please, listen as I say,
Treat others in a different way.

Silent words have all the power,
like tearing petals off a flower.


And will I remain unknown
I am ~Forever*Alone~

doomsday49
Originally posted by ~Forever*Alone~
Goodbye Forever.


Farewell, all, as I depart,
I came and left, without a heart.

I was unknown, and never knew,
How to act, as others do.

I made few friends and I will go,
Without a friend to care or know.

But first please, listen as I say,
Treat others in a different way.

Silent words have all the power,
like tearing petals off a flower.


And will I remain unknown
I am ~Forever*Alone~

your description was not unlike the grim reaper. Is that what you're describing? Or should i take it as simple emotion?

Emilinka
its a goodbye, she left.

~Forever*Alone~
Originally posted by doomsday49
your description was not unlike the grim reaper. Is that what you're describing? Or should i take it as simple emotion?





a poem is whatever you want it to be.

if in the future english students have to analyze my poems, then i feel they will interpret it differently than i wrote it.

~Forever*Alone~
im not writing free verse anymore, i hate free verse and do not view free verse poems as actual poems, simply very bad prose.

miss_swann
I like your stuff.

~Forever*Alone~
well thank you, i like you.

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~
...Continued...

I'm sorry that I brought you so much pain,
We both lost out on all we could gain,
I'm sorry I took your heart and left you without,
But sometimes thats what life is about.

I can't rekindle the feelings I once felt,
But an unlit candle will never melt,
I still care, so lets leave it at that okay?
Now, as you can see I'm busy so go away.


well, there it is. i know, im awful at endings, just awful... told you.

~Forever*Alone~
waaaaaaa! crybaby i want someone to comment on my poems! i dont care if you hate them! be mean if you want to! just acknowlegde my existance!!! bawling

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~
wow that was longer than i thought..... wow.
heres one i wrote the other day at school cause i was bored.

Leaves.

The leaves on the ground where they lay,
brown bodies crushed into the concrete,
shall still remain after every day,
forever, simple, unique and sweet.

the fall is eternal as it was in the past,
there is no more summer winter or spring,
frozen forever in a fall that wont last,
that is what the future will bring.

it is our nature to seek freedom from our fate,
we struggle without realizing the ties that bind,
are generated by cruelty, fear and hate,
We all share a freedom that in death we find.



i think that looks more like two poems....

chillmeistergen
Originally posted by ~Forever*Alone~
Bad Sonnet #2

A slowly flowing river is as time,
A course long carved and followed endlessly,
It's eternal path so cruel and sublime,
Its duty to act so maliciously,
Time like a cycle of lovers quarrels,
Separated by hate, bound by their love,
the river will take them in its whorls,
They'll be taken home by the lord above,
Time lets them know where it is that they stand,
Friends and enemies all by the same bide,
like walking along the beach in the sand,
our footprints are washed away by the tide,
in the end all that will be left is time,
not even remembered will be this rhyme.


i dislike sonnets, because of all the rules.

You've sort of kept in it the iambic pentameter, which is pretty hard to do.

Good effort.

~Forever*Alone~
when i saw you i was scared to enter my thread....

uh, thank you.

~Forever*Alone~

~Forever*Alone~
There was a very poor man who didnt have a house,
he lived out in the cold, and when winter came he froze,
first he lost he feet then hands, then he lost his life,
he had a dog, who chewed his bones when he was gone.

my sister has a friend who is very dear to her, and me,
she is a catholic, because her parents are catholic,
when her mom got cancer they thought she would be fine,
they prayed a lot and hired a priest, but she still died.

there was a very rich man once, who lived well and warm,
he had a lot of people who loved him, he was giving,
his plane crashed into the earth it tried to fly over,
needless to say he didnt survive, many people mourned.




hmmmmm... i dont get it.....

~Forever*Alone~
based upon a real story, which isnt over yet.

My Mistake

Because i was born into this life,
im forced to follow this path,
and when i got my hands on that knife,
i was determined to release my wrath.

it was fear and hate that took control,
that day you came to fight,
and now i will either pay the toll,
or run away, take flight.

if i stay i know it will get worse,
so i have to leave, to run,
i cant tell if it was my curse,
but im through with this im done.

to be continued...

~Forever*Alone~
Let Me Sing.
Please let me hear my voice.
All i have is song.
You've taken it all away.
Please Let Me Sing.

TheMercurial
Impressive. Your stuff is seriously good. You have a real knack for getting your message across, but not letting it distort the flow of the poems. That's a skill which is too rare these days.
Keep it up, it'd be a true shame not to.

~Forever*Alone~
i, dont know what to say to that....

im, sorry?

TheMercurial
Why sorry? I'm saying your stuff is great.

~Forever*Alone~
i dont get it....

TheMercurial
I'm saying that you have a talent for expressing your message in your poems, and that, at the same time, that doesn't compromise the flow and rhythm of them, which a lot of people can't seem to do.
Then I said to keep up the good work.

?

~Forever*Alone~
ahhhh why are you saying these mean things to me!!! you are so cruel!!

TheMercurial
Global warming?

FŽanor
she's an odd one, but in a normal sort of way.

~Forever*Alone~
i feel like i have MPS, oh well!


I sold my soul for passion
In flame i sealed my fate
the demon chose the fashion
so my passion became hate

i hide my hate in darkness
i still her the monster shout,
the thing that makes me fearless
is clawing to get out.

what is it i've become?
a creature undefined,
what i see so loathsome
i wish that i was blind

with destiny fate reckons,
wheres my seraphim, my saint?
because the demons power beckons,
the light is growing faint.

give in to your temptation,
if it feels if is right,
bring passion in a lifeless nation,
and darkness turns to light.


i started writing that after the knife incident.... i never actually hurt anybody, but he still wont shut up about it.

FŽanor
MPS?

now if i was privy to what that incident was...i'd be more the wise. I think.

very good tho'.

Lara
ok this is the third time I've tried to post in this thread so I'll keep it brief other wise I'm likely to throw my laptop out the window!



your work is good, my fave is the romantic graveyard. it has a good rhythem, it rolls easily off the tongue. the rhyme is well timed and balanced.

I would avoid basing you work on Poe's as his work is both complex and irregular.
stick to simpler forms and structures until you feel you have conquered them.

visionary work is well percieved and people can mentally envision the tale and message you are tring to get across.

one thing you must never ever do is look at other peoples work and think "my god, I'm crap I think I'll quit right now, I'll never be as good as they are!"
been there done that. but that isnt important. being creative is as it comes but you also have to work at it.

looking back at some of my art work from college now I think, "did I really do that? its great, that cant be my work!"
But it is my work and at the time when I was doing it I had so many other people working around me on their projects, I was lookin at their work and losing motivation of my own work. I was losing faith in myself and my creative ability.

I'm not saying dont look at other peoples work, not at all. use their ideas and techniques but dont ever, ever think that your work is worthless are rubbish. we all have to learn and progress and the only way to do that is to work through it for it.

keep writting what I've seen so far is great. big grin

~Forever*Alone~
Thank you for commenting.

im not trying to mimick anyones style, i just write how i feel like it.

i can only write when im, i dont want to use this word but, "inspired".

actually, i have thrown away a lot of my stuff in the past, but i cant really care, i think ive gotten better, at least a little, since then.

Lara
well either way cant wait to read some more of your stuff smile

~Forever*Alone~
He came and went.


He came into my life like a solar flair,
bursting poisonous radiation of love
that made me rip out my hair.

a bright fiery flash against dark space,
his energy bringing power and life
a warmth to my cold pale face.

he left my life like a solar flair,
his energy spent, a silent star,
i never thought i could care.

his life was short, his run was brief,
he taught me courage and love,
his last was a sigh of relief.

he left my life like a solar flair,
his energy spent, a silent star,
i just thought i should share.

~Forever*Alone~
shhhhh...

Lara
Thats nice I like it, its kind of novel smile

what is the "shhhh..." for?

~Forever*Alone~
I'm waiting for something...

Lara
what would that be?

~Forever*Alone~
I'm working on an epic at the moment, simply for my own enjoyment and of course to put it up on this site. I don't want to put it up until it is done and I am sure it is perfect.

I am telling you this now because I haven't contributed anything in a long while, and I may not for a long while now because both of my grandad and my gramma are in the hospital and I don't feel like writing because of this. I am sorry.

Ya Krunk'd Floo
argh

~Forever*Alone~
this next one was just practice, not a poem in the normal sense...


The stars glisten like dew covered flowers in a field of sapphire, the setting sun paints the ocean foam clouds in fire. Waiting on the warm sand for someone who will not come. Time flows like a cyclone, summer, fall, winter, spring... by day the sun warms me, by night the stars comfort me, the moon sadly watches on. I wait and watch the ocean as it waves hello. Perhaps it is beckoning me, as lonely as I. It recedes rejected, but returns, always.

Fate passed me by as the seasons had, I took that moment and abandoned mortality. The moon shyly retreated in the sky, leaving me and the Earth behind. The ocean retired, ceasing its perpetual heartbroken cycle, never to return. The stars endlessly blink, yet over time each closed its eye in turn, forever. And night is silence, I wait alone. The Earth turns searching for the light of a sun.

Ya Krunk'd Floo
Argh!

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