Religious humour

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lil bitchiness
Lets shed some light on this forum.

Post here any religious humour, jokes, pictures, caricatures - but please, nothing too offencive. This is supposed to be in the name of fun, not political agenda or conversion agenda - please.

Lets see if we can keep this going in the name of fun.

If this gets too nasty, I will close the thread.

I thought this was hilarious -

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-10-25.jpg

lil bitchiness
http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-09-11.jpg

lol

Storm
During a sermon, a guest evangelist asked for a sign from God... and the church' s steeple was hit by lightning. According to news reports, services resumed shortly afterward but then... people realized that the church had been set on fire and they had to flee. The total damage was estimated at $ 20,000.

It' s very unfortunate, but I couldn' t help burst out laughing when I read it.

lil bitchiness
Ha ha! Gutted!


Here is another one. I love Jesus and Mo -

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-06-23.jpg

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-05-11.jpg

lol Coconuts are satanic

lil bitchiness
Ok last one for now embarrasment

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-04-26.jpg

lord xyz
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-09-11.jpg

lol lol Good one.

Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Ha ha! Gutted!


Here is another one. I love Jesus and Mo -

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-06-23.jpg

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-05-11.jpg

lol Coconuts are satanic Teehee.

Originally posted by Storm
During a sermon, a guest evangelist asked for a sign from God... and the church' s steeple was hit by lightning. According to news reports, services resumed shortly afterward but then... people realized that the church had been set on fire and they had to flee. The total damage was estimated at $ 20,000.

It' s very unfortunate, but I couldn' t help burst out laughing when I read it. laughing

office jesus
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Ok last one for now embarrasment

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-04-26.jpg

Haha. Nice.

Impediment
Where do you get these cartoons from, LB? These are great!

Impediment
Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

Impediment
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone Brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.

Impediment
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; that's much better than Clyde!"

Storm
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very self hood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

Impediment
Q: What does the Buddha say when ordering a hot dog?
A: One with everything.

Q: What did the Buddha say when the hot dog vendor asked him if he had change?
A: Change must come from within.

Q: Why can't the Buddha vacuum under the sofa?
A: Because he has no attachments.

Lord Urizen
Conservative Humor:




Knock Knock

Whose's there ?

Jesus

Jesus Who ?

Jesus Christ !



hahahahhahahahhahahhahahhahahhahahaahaaa

Lord Urizen
Liberal Humor:

knock Knock

Who's there?

Jesus ?

Jesus Who ?

Jesus Juice ! droolio





ahahahhahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahhaaaaaa

lord xyz
To Imp's jokes: laughing

To Storm's joke: ???

To Lord Urizen: getout

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by lord xyz
To Imp's jokes: laughing

To Storm's joke: ???

To Lord Urizen: getout

Change your SIG !

lil bitchiness
Originally posted by Impediment
Where do you get these cartoons from, LB? These are great!

Its a site called Jesus and Mo. It is SO hilarious!! lol

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-01-16.jpg

Alliance
They're the new Chick Tracts big grin

lil bitchiness
http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2005-11-30.jpg


http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2005-12-14.jpg

Imperial_Samura
Hehehehe. Jesus and Mo are brilliant.

http://plif.andkon.com/archive/wc138.gif
http://www.beaverandsteve.com/comics/BnS_235.png
http://www.freethunk.net/freethunk_ebook1/blindC.gif

One that seems appropriate for Lord Urizen:

http://e-merl.com/strips/2005-08-30.gif

Imperial_Samura
Only vaguely religious but still...

"John, a political activist, was just arriving in Hell when he was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

John, naturally, wanted to compare the two, so he made his way to the entrance of Capitalist Hell. Outside the door stood Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?", asked John. "Well," he he said, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's horrible!!", John cried . "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before disappearing off into the distance. John pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. John asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!", John protested in a confused fashion.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes the vulture itself has been eaten... "

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Imperial_Samura
One that seems appropriate for Lord Urizen:

http://e-merl.com/strips/2005-08-30.gif

I had to learn that lesson the Hard Way. yes But Jesus still calls me up sometimes for a routine quickie.

Or for a nice blowjob when he's stressed out....all that miracle working takes a toll on the poor fella !

I'm more than happy to serve my Lord....if you know what I mean....droolio

lil bitchiness
Originally posted by Imperial_Samura
Only vaguely religious but still...

"John, a political activist, was just arriving in Hell when he was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

John, naturally, wanted to compare the two, so he made his way to the entrance of Capitalist Hell. Outside the door stood Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?", asked John. "Well," he he said, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's horrible!!", John cried . "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before disappearing off into the distance. John pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. John asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!", John protested in a confused fashion.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes the vulture itself has been eaten... "


Aaaaaaaahahahaha!!

lord xyz
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Its a site called Jesus and Mo. It is SO hilarious!! lol

http://jesusandmo.net/strips/2006-01-16.jpg laughing Nice.

Imperial_Samura
Jesus was making his usual rounds of Heaven when he noticed a sad looking old man sitting on a bench looking very desolate. The following week he was disturbed to see him sitting in the same place looking equally sad. The week after that he was still there and Jesus decided he had to act. He stopped to talk to him.

"See here old fellow" Jesus said, "you're in Heaven! Paradise! The sun is shining, the angels singing, all this wonderful food! This is bliss for most people. Why aren't you happy?"

"Well" said the old man, "you see I was a carpenter on earth and I lost my only son far to soon. He was very special you see, truly unique in origin. I was hoping more then anything I would meet him again in heaven." As he finished he gave a sad sigh.

Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes and he cried "FATHER!"

Hearing this the old man burst into tears as he jumped to his feet and embraced Jesus as he cried "PINOCCHIO!"

DigiMark007
A great strip from "Shortpacked"

http://www.shortpacked.com/d/20060210.html

lil bitchiness
How many of the following Christian denomination followers does it take to change a light bulb?



Anglicans - 8 -One to call the electrician and 7 to say how much they liked the old one better

Charismatics - 1 - Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Lutherans - Change ?!?!?!?!?!

Mennonites - 15 - At least 15; 1 to change the bulb and 3 or 4 committees to approve the change... Oh, and a casserole.

Mormons - 5 - One man to change the bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it

Presbyterians - None - God has predestined when the lights will go on and off

Unitarians - We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.



Unitarians rock lol

Alliance
My favorite part about all these indocrinated Protestant cults is that the reason they broke off from the Catholic church was to freely interpret the bible for themselves!

Yet, they became the their own opressor.

Imperial_Samura
I probably shouldn't, but it seems so accurate...

http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/NonSequitur02_0910.jpg

And just because I am a Big Non Sequitur fan...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v454/cgdesigns/Non%20Sequitur/nq102906.gif

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v454/cgdesigns/Non%20Sequitur/nq102606.gif



Some definitions from Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary":

"REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it."

"PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy."

"PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man."

"PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms
through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience."

"PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the
Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is
merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless
objectionableness."

"PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

§P0oONY
I've got the greatest relgious joke:
















































Scientology.. hmm

Bardock42

finti
besides the scriptures for christianity, judism and islam you mean

Alliance
Besides literalist interpretations of allegories?

Regret
Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at thirty-five?
A: Because thirty-six is just too many.
--------------------
A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.

The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.

The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.
----------------------------
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created fast food and the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO's

Imperial_Samura
What would Nursery Rhymes be like if they were Biblical? Or done in King James Version at least? Meryl Arbing and Lorne Brown have been working on (for like the last 10 years it seems) the Mother Goose:The King James Version" - Below is Humpty Dumpty in King James.

"1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogance, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say:

3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him alone when he falleth; for not another to help him up.

4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.

5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken by my neck, and shaken me to pieces. Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say:

8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of my men.

9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.

12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again.

13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.

14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

15. For, it is written: Pride before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."

I dare say it looses some of its simple charm in the process. I'd hate to see a lengthy nursery rhyme given such a treatment.

lil bitchiness
Ahahaha!!

http://www.swensonfunnies.com/weekly/sundayfrenetic.gif

Bardock42
Haha, Satan is ****ing pwning God.

Imperial_Samura
http://freethunk.net/freethunk_ebook1/toons/set2/tsunamifloodC.gif

http://freethunk.net/freethunk_ebook1/toons/set1/atheistreligion.gif

http://freethunk.net/freethunk_ebook1/toons/set4/jesusbrain.gif

Imperial_Samura
More Free Thought...

http://freethunk.net/apologetix/apologetix_livingdeadC.gif

Lord Coal
Hitler dies and goes up to heaven to see if they'll let him in. First he walks up a flight of bronze steps, and gets to a bronze door, upon which he knocks. After a few seconds, St John opens the door, looks at Hitler and says "Oh no, not you. What do you want?"
"I want to come in, please." Hitler replies.
"No" snaps John, "Piss off"
"Oh please, I'll give you an SS dagger."
John thinks for a moment and says unto Hitler, "Okay then, on you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's not my problem."

So Hitler walks up the silver steps and knocks on the silver door, which is answered by St Peter.
"Can I come in please?" Asks Hitler.
"Not a sodding chance, short-arse. Piss off" comes the reply.
"Oh, please. I'll give you a nice, chromed SS helmet."
"Alright then," agrees St Peter, "In you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's for you to deal with."

So Hitler walks up the golden steps, and knocks on the golden door, which is soon answered by Jesus Himself.
"How did you get in? What do you want?" asks JC
"I'd like to come in, please?"
"No way," says Jesus, "Read the sign: No nasty little racist men in God's domain. I'm sorry, no, Hitler. Kindly piss off."
"Oh, come on," says Hitler, undeterred, "I'll give you an Iron Cross."
"Hmmm, wait a minute, I'll ask my dad."

So Jesus goes to God, and says unto him, "Dad, can I have an Iron Cross?"
"No chance," replied the Lord, "You couldn't even carry the wooden one properly!"

Charmed_Phoebe
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Charmed_Phoebe
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.





laughing



This has to be the best so far......not only is it hilarious, but it is ACCURATE !!!!

debbiejo
I like No. 10

lord xyz
Originally posted by Charmed_Phoebe
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. nice

Lord Urizen
Why did Jesus cross the road?


To get crucified

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Lord Urizen
Why did Jesus cross the road?


To get crucified

puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. big grin

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. big grin


What do you get when you mix Wisdom with White castle?









Buddha

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Lord Urizen
What do you get when you mix Wisdom with White castle?









Buddha

That would be the Kamasutra.

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
That would be the Kamasutra.


OH I LOVE KAMA SUTRA ! droolio

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Lord Urizen
OH I LOVE KAMA SUTRA ! droolio

BTW The Kamasutra was not written by Buddha and does not have anything to do with Buddhism. It was written much earlier.

debbiejo
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
puke

A better answer is, too get some nails. big grin No no, to get "nailed".......bet he was surprised... roll eyes (sarcastic)

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by debbiejo
No no, to get "nailed".......bet he was surprised... roll eyes (sarcastic)

Ya you are right, that is better. laughing out loud

debbiejo
I heard he was "hung" well........

Oh, me bad......... embarrasment

lil bitchiness
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.


Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.

lord xyz
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.


Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever. Funny.

DigiMark007
From the "Joyce and Walky" comic strip.

http://img114.imageshack.us/img114/6615/20050512apt8.gif

debbiejo
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.


Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
b] A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 200!!!
100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see the light again,

10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out as well,

3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,

2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more are gathered together in "his" name.....,

10 to write to the alt.satanism newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our beliefs),

74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the lord can make it bright again, and

1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on - unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever. laughing
Those are good!

DigiMark007
...a Digi original...

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/2671/dino5un7.jpg

Nellinator
laughing

Alliance
Good. Lets close the forum.

muslimscholar
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
Lets shed some light on this forum.

Post here any religious humour, jokes, pictures, caricatures - but please, nothing too offencive. This is supposed to be in the name of fun, not political agenda or conversion agenda - please.

Lets see if we can keep this going in the name of fun.

If this gets too nasty, I will close the thread.

I thought this was hilarious -


ur making fun of the mightiest prophets of god
don't u feel bad or don't u care?

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by muslimscholar
ur making fun of the mightiest prophets of god
don't u feel bad or don't u care?

I think god can take a joke.

muslimscholar
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
I think god can take a joke.

i dont think its a joke people are just taking the micky

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by muslimscholar
i dont think its a joke people are just taking the micky

I don't believe that people are as serious as they may seem. If this was not a computer forum, most of them would hold their tough.

Nellinator
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
I think god can take a joke.
When you think about it, God knows all jokes. He must be pretty funny.

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Nellinator
When you think about it, God knows all jokes. He must be pretty funny.

Hell is the biggest joke of all....

muslimscholar
ACTUALLY UR THE BIGGEST JOKE GOD CREATED!!!!

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by muslimscholar
ACTUALLY UR THE BIGGEST JOKE GOD CREATED!!!!

Now, now, no yelling in the forum. laughing

debbiejo
Originally posted by Lord Coal
Hitler dies and goes up to heaven to see if they'll let him in. First he walks up a flight of bronze steps, and gets to a bronze door, upon which he knocks. After a few seconds, St John opens the door, looks at Hitler and says "Oh no, not you. What do you want?"
"I want to come in, please." Hitler replies.
"No" snaps John, "Piss off"
"Oh please, I'll give you an SS dagger."
John thinks for a moment and says unto Hitler, "Okay then, on you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's not my problem."

So Hitler walks up the silver steps and knocks on the silver door, which is answered by St Peter.
"Can I come in please?" Asks Hitler.
"Not a sodding chance, short-arse. Piss off" comes the reply.
"Oh, please. I'll give you a nice, chromed SS helmet."
"Alright then," agrees St Peter, "In you go. you won't get through the next door, but that's for you to deal with."

So Hitler walks up the golden steps, and knocks on the golden door, which is soon answered by Jesus Himself.
"How did you get in? What do you want?" asks JC
"I'd like to come in, please?"
"No way," says Jesus, "Read the sign: No nasty little racist men in God's domain. I'm sorry, no, Hitler. Kindly piss off."
"Oh, come on," says Hitler, undeterred, "I'll give you an Iron Cross."
"Hmmm, wait a minute, I'll ask my dad."

So Jesus goes to God, and says unto him, "Dad, can I have an Iron Cross?"
"No chance," replied the Lord, "You couldn't even carry the wooden one properly!" laughing out loud laughing out loud

I've heard this one and it's one of my favs....

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by muslimscholar
ACTUALLY UR THE BIGGEST JOKE GOD CREATED!!!!


laughing laughing out loud laughing


I thought God never "made mistakes"...your Anger amuses me....I love making religious zealots CRACK!

muslimscholar
its not a mistake..unfortunetly ur dam real!!!! ur the devil

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by muslimscholar
its not a mistake..unfortunetly ur dam real!!!! ur the devil

Please go away.

muslimscholar
sorry thats not possible i have sumit specail n its called FREEDOM OF EXPERSSION!!!...STOP BEING A WIMP!

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by muslimscholar
its not a mistake..unfortunetly ur dam real!!!! ur the devil


hysterical laughing laughing out loud laughing hysterical laughing out loud




OMG ! HOW TYPICAL !


Someone doesn't beleive your absurd myth, and then you go calling them "Satan, devil, demon, anti-christ, child of satan, infidel, etc"



You're another JIA whob-sock aren't you ?


Jesusisalive...his favorite tactic was to call people who don't agree with him "anti-christs". laughing



U are such a joke ! Thanks for falling for my trap ! wink

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by muslimscholar
sorry thats not possible i have sumit specail n its called FREEDOM OF EXPERSSION!!!...STOP BEING A WIMP!

Freedom of expression is limited here. Please read the rules.

muslimscholar
SORRY MATE UR NOT GOOD ENUF TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST!!

AS FOR FALLING INTO TRAPS........UR FALLING INTO GODS TRAP....HMMM WOULDNT WNT TO KNW WOT HE HAS FOR U INSTORE!

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by muslimscholar
SORRY MATE UR NOT GOOD ENUF TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST!!

AS FOR FALLING INTO TRAPS........UR FALLING INTO GODS TRAP....HMMM WOULDNT WNT TO KNW WOT HE HAS FOR U INSTORE!


eek! GOD HAS TRAPS ?! laughing


And you wondor why we don't worship him ? erm

muslimscholar
NO I DNT WONDER Y U DNT WORSHIP HIM!....SINCE UR 'LORD' URSELF SO Y WOULD U WORSHIP ANOTHER LORD!!

WONDER IF U HAVE TIME FOR WORSHIP OTHER THAN WOMAN.....SINCE UR 'always horny'!!!!

Alliance
Can we please use our inside voices.

debbiejo
Originally posted by Alliance
Can we please use our inside voices. But they really aren't inside........Vibrations carry...... cool

lil bitchiness
Originally posted by muslimscholar
ur making fun of the mightiest prophets of god
don't u feel bad or don't u care?

It is somewhere between I don't care, I couldn't care less and no, I don't feel bad.

If God throws me in the pitts of hell, to burn til the end of eternity because I found a cartoon entertaining, and religious jokes funny, than that God does not deserve to be wishipped.

Any being who will throw its creations on fire because they don't worship him, praise him, and who gets jealous if one has any other god's apart from himself, who restircts knowledge, and whos ALL wisdom and knowledge fits in ONE book...is not worth bowing to!

I will let you in on a little secret your holy books wont tell you -
God, is NOT a sadistic deity, who has nothing better to do, then take interest in your sex life, and observe every single thing that you do.

Bardock42
Originally posted by muslimscholar
NO I DNT WONDER Y U DNT WORSHIP HIM!....SINCE UR 'LORD' URSELF SO Y WOULD U WORSHIP ANOTHER LORD!!

WONDER IF U HAVE TIME FOR WORSHIP OTHER THAN WOMAN.....SINCE UR 'always horny'!!!!

Hahaha, you are in for a surprise. Hilarious.Originally posted by muslimscholar
SORRY MATE UR NOT GOOD ENUF TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST!!

AS FOR FALLING INTO TRAPS........UR FALLING INTO GODS TRAP....HMMM WOULDNT WNT TO KNW WOT HE HAS FOR U INSTORE!

Oh man, Bill Hicks had so much to say to that.

lil bitchiness
I never really saw any of Bill Hicks stuff. Is he American? Is he politically incorrect?

Bardock42
Originally posted by lil bitchiness
I never really saw any of Bill Hicks stuff. Is he American? Is he politically incorrect?

Oh, I think you would love him. He is indeed American, and I would say politically incorrect.

Amazingly funny and very good message. You should check out some of his stuff, really. I can send you some Youtube links if you want.

lil bitchiness
Oh yes!! Link me, please.

DigiMark007
Originally posted by DigiMark007
...a Digi original...

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/2671/dino5un7.jpg


...the sequel...

http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/8368/dino7uu7.jpg

Marxman
Originally posted by Imperial_Samura
Only vaguely religious but still...

"John, a political activist, was just arriving in Hell when he was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

John, naturally, wanted to compare the two, so he made his way to the entrance of Capitalist Hell. Outside the door stood Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?", asked John. "Well," he he said, "in Capitalist Hell they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's horrible!!", John cried . "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before disappearing off into the distance. John pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. John asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!", John protested in a confused fashion.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes the vulture itself has been eaten... "


laughing

debbiejo
Don't know why I kept this one..........The world must be rubbing off on me........

lil bitchiness
lol

Bardock42
Would be funnier if the capture below wasn't there. I feel my intelligence to be insulted by it. But good anyways.

m. sade
10 Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus.


No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

Beer has never caused a major war.

They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

You can prove you have a Beer.

If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Alliance
What about the infamous Beer War of the late 16th Century?

Imperial_Samura
Originally posted by Alliance
What about the infamous Beer War of the late 16th Century?

There was the Rum Rebellion in Australia.

Robtard
You two just sodomized his joke... Now that's funny!

Imperial_Samura
Originally posted by Robtard
You two just sodomized his joke... Now that's funny!

It usually is.

Gregory
Originally posted by m. sade
No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.


One of my dad's student's friend's died that way. They held him down and poured beer down his throat; alcohol poisoning got him.

And sodomy is almost always funny.

Alliance
haha

m. sade
hadn't actually thought if those beer things were accurate... cry


drunk


"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
-Mother Theresa

"How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans."
-Woody Allen

Vegas
Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Confusianism: Confucius says: shit happens

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangalism: Send more shit.

Atheism: No shit.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

Eclipso
Originally posted by Vegas
Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Confusianism: Confucius says: shit happens

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangalism: Send more shit.

Atheism: No shit.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.

lol

Facisim: Our shit's better then your shit.

Communism: Everyone deserves shit.

Democracy: Which shit would you prefer?

Nihilism: This shit will be over soon.

debbiejo
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.


laughing out loud

lord xyz
Originally posted by Eclipso
lol

Facisim: Our shit's better then your shit.

Communism: Everyone deserves shit.

Democracy: Which shit would you prefer?

Nihilism: This shit will be over soon. laughing

Socialism: I'll deal with your shit, you deal with my shit.
Sihkism: We must prepare for the shit always.
Mormon: We got more shit than you.

Marxman
laughing out loud

Strangelove
Pastafarianism: I'd rather you not take any shit

And here's a relevant Men in Hats comic:

http://meninhats.com/comics/20020906.gif

Symmetric Chaos
Wow . . .

Its like a replica of every thread in the religion forum

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
Wow . . .

Its like a replica of every thread in the religion forum


laughing


Except, THESE jokes are intentional.....

Strangelove
which makes the unintentional parts even funnier laughing

Impediment
gSd8g5xsIEU

King Kandy
Originally posted by Strangelove
Pastafarianism: I'd rather you not take any shit

And here's a relevant Men in Hats comic:

http://meninhats.com/comics/20020906.gif
That joke summed every post in the religion forum into one...

fini
OMG, can we get a Mod to post that at the top of the Religion forum. SO everyone can see it when they come here??????

Shakyamunison
Deb over here...

debbiejo
Do you have lamb? If you have lamb I will come........

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by debbiejo
Do you have lamb? If you have lamb I will come........

No, but I do have a finger, will that make you come? laughing

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
No, but I do have a finger, will that make you come? laughing

I've got something better than that

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
I've got something better than that

I have a really big finger, and I play guitar with it. stick out tongue

debbiejo
This is a Religious forum Gentlemen....

And the spirit Came alllll over Mary...dirty spirt.....

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by debbiejo
This is a Religious forum Gentlemen....

And the spirit Came alllll over Mary...dirty spirt.....

*singing*

"I have seen the glory of the cumming of the lord"

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
"I have seen the glory of the cumming of the lord"

Isn't white considered holly?

debbiejo
Are we becoming UL like..........hahahahahaha........

Actually it is RED that was considered Holy....and in the Medieval times the bride wore red...

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by debbiejo
Are we becoming UL like..........hahahahahaha........

I was just thinking that he'd love this

debbiejo
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
I was just thinking that he'd love this Yes, yes he sure would..........Being of -----> droolio

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by debbiejo
Yes, yes he sure would..........Being of -----> droolio

I must cleanse myself.

Lord Urizen
OH BOY ! EVERYONE CONVERTED TO ORGASMISM ! THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ! drooliodrooliodrooliodroolio

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Lord Urizen
OH BOY ! EVERYONE CONVERTED TO ORGASMISM ! THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ! drooliodrooliodrooliodroolio

rofl

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Lord Urizen
OH BOY ! EVERYONE CONVERTED TO ORGASMISM ! THIS MUST BE HEAVEN ! drooliodrooliodrooliodroolio

Did you notice everyone stopped just as soon as you logged on? laughing out loud

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
Did you notice everyone stopped just as soon as you logged on? laughing out loud

Just trying to screw with Urizen.

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
Just trying to screw with Urizen.
chimp Don't go there...

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
chimp Don't go there...

I said screw WITH Urizen (as in mess him up or confuse him)

Shakyamunison
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
I said screw WITH Urizen (as in mess him up or confuse him)

That is not how he will see it. eek!

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Shakyamunison
That is not how he will see it. eek!

scared

Alliance
I see Urizen has a new boyfriend.

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Alliance
I see Urizen has a new boyfriend.

Not yet but if he says no its his loss stick out tongue

Alliance
I can only imagine so.

Adam_PoE

Symmetric Chaos
That a favorite of mine (its hard to remember the whole thing though)

Strangelove
laughing that's a good'un

Storm
qAmljaj5stA

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Storm
qAmljaj5stA



laughing laughing laughing out loud laughing hysterical



I FKN LOVE THAT VIDEO !!!!


I TOLD YOU ALL Jesus was Gay !!!!

Lord Urizen
Originally posted by Symmetric Chaos
Just trying to screw with Urizen.



drooliodrooliodrooliodrooliodrooliodroolio


Sorry bro, but you got a LONG WAY TO GO.....

Symmetric Chaos
Originally posted by Storm
qAmljaj5stA

eek!




laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

I LOVE IT

Strangelove
crylaugh Brilliant

fini
OMFG
STORM you are not a nice woman
DAMN YOU
CURSE YOU TO HELL

I got a severe case of bronchitis and acute asthma and you had to show that video.

I started laughing, tried to stop, but couldn't, and ended up with a massive asthma attack. Attached to a machine to help me breathe now.

THAT had to be the damn funniest focking thing I've ever seen
TAKE A BOW MY LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!

debbiejo
I sent that to people....... embarrasment

fini
LOL, i'm saving it, will send it later, lol

debbiejo
Well the protestant people I know would write me off.....Oh, yeah, they already did....lol.....but the Catholics liked it for sure.. cool

AngryManatee
I couldn't really decide whether this should be in off-topic or religion, so I put it here.

http://loljesus.com/wp-content/uploads/chocolate-jesus-lg%20copy.jpg

Alliance
laughing Thats wonderful.

Thats your %DV of Saturated fat for 177.5 years.

Nellinator
Originally posted by Alliance
Thats your %DV of Saturated fat for 177.5 years. You ruined it for me sad

Alliance
Just ban Urizen from this thread so we don't have immature sex jokes.

And besides...I've always felt Jesus should be eaten in moderation only.

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