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Okay, this is going to sound wrong, but tonight I went onto my boyfriend's e-mail account to make sure my e-card I sent him got there. Well I logged in to see that he had one new message and one old. The new one was my e-card, but the second left me a little depressed, it was his porn site account. Men, I have a question, what is your fascination with such things? I mean, now I feel like I don't suit his fancy and that I'm not good enough for him. Plus when he got offline tonight he didn't even say goodbye, no I love, no sweet dreams. We have been seeing eachother for a year and a half and I'm beginning to wonder if I really am good enough for him. I hope one of you guys will be able to restore my faith in his love for me. I do so much for him, and now to see that I don't appeal to him, it hurts me a great deal. I don't know why, but it does.

Padme, don't even worry about that crap. As a male, I must admit that it is fun to look at naked ladies. We have to. It's in our nature. All women are beautiul.

Beleive me, it has nothing to do with you not satifying him. Would you rather him go out and cheat on you, or have him get his jollies off the internet.

Don't worry so much. And don't be depressed. There's no reason for that.

Bullcrap. Why do you have to choose 'go out and cheat or get his jollies off the internet'? Either way they're both cheating. Be honest with yourself and don't make excuses for anyone! Be a strong woman. There is NO reason to be depressed about an issue that isn't yours.

Here's the rules from my standpoint as a successful husband and father:

Look, don't touch, don't think, don't stare too long. If it's naked, be tasteful and avoid. I know we all want to see it, but a relationship where one person is acting like their still on the playing field is NOT a union of love. If you want to engage in erotic fantasies and use toys, go ahead. Just make sure your partner is paying attention to YOU. Any intelligent psychologist or marriage counselor will tell you that a relationship not focused on each other is a relationship deemed for failure. Please tell me how looking at Penthouse is going to enhance your feelings for each other? It will enhance nothing but his curiosity and libido for other partners. Do you really expect to be the focal point while he is looking at some girl's goods? This is coming from a guy who's been there and done that. I've had my share of partners, had my time with the internet and magazines, and had my hardships in marriage because of my past experiences. The more people you date, the less likely you are able to succeed in the next relationship. A divided heart is worth little satisfaction to the person giving their whole heart. How would you like to build a house and have only 3/4ths of the materials? The house wouldn't be habitable. You gave your all, but he only have half. This is the same with life. Do you want 3/4ths of a life with him or an entire life? I'm not saying he has to spend night and day swooning over you, but it's the same as sharing him with another girl at school. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he has an addiction. Either way take the next few steps cautiously, because if you feel conviction about his actions, it will eat you alive if you don't act on it. I have a successful marriage, but it took a lot of hard work and getting rid of some of the bad things in my past. I could go on forever because I love my wife and I know without a doubt that she loves me and we share the ideals of a monogamous relationship. It's nice to be appreciated without contempt...and this is not debatable for me.

Padme porn sites search the web for e-mail adresses so your boyfriend can be total innocent here. They find email adresses and send crap to them

Yes the amount of junk Email that is just porn sites is ridiculous, your boyfriend should be considered innocent until proven guilty, do not feel bad about it after all if it is perfectly innocent there is no need to beat yourself up over it.

yeh! what he said!
hey bill, dont spill, just take a pill, an chill!

a friend of mine send my e-mail adress to a pornsite and all hell broke loose.
I was bombarded with filth, between 30-50 porn site every day, it got to the point I had to change my e-mail adress to stop it.
But I entered a guy site and left my friends cell phone number in the classified section, urging them to send messages to it
He had to change his cell phone number cause he got messages all the time. And that was not the kind of messages you want others to see

now thats a classic get your own back trick, good for you *chants: go finti, go finti, go finti!*

and all the others joined in!!!!!!!

you wish!

then why didn't he delete it if it was filth? You're right I shouldn't beat myself up over it, its just that, it hurts for him to lie to me about petty things.

Just ask him about it, but do so in a non-confrontational way, if you do not want him to know that you were viewing his EMails, make a joke about a friend or someone you know getting Spam Email from Porn sites and see if mentions it then.

what To said..plus that it might be just junk-mail

sounds like you two need to talk, Padme...so you know what's really going on with him and he can reassure you.

Good call!

yeah, friend of mine did the same...
and unsubscribing DOESN*T WORK

Yes, it doesn't does it.

I don't know I just still feel depressed in some way, I'm going to sleep for a bit, maybe I'll feel better when I wake up later.

He probably respects you too much to ask you to fulfill his sick fantasies.
That's why he's looking at porn.

You should talk to him about it.
Maybe slap him around here and there

I could not disagree more with Jayride. I can, and have, given my all and been completely in love yet still had a very strong interest in pornography. To say a man who likes pornography is in any way at all compromising the relationship with his partner by default is just crap. Maybe SECRETLY doing it would be a problem, but in general, it is no problem at all.

And while any intelligent pschologist or counsellor would say that an unfocussed relationship is doomed, he most certainly would NOT say that an interest in pornography from either partner is a problem.

In any case, what would I achieve by giving it up for a partner? Would that, de facto, mean that I no longer have perfectly natural sexual desires that do not always co-incide with her? No, it would just mean I didn't have the visual means to aid in that any more.

A partnership should be based on trust and understanding, Mine have been and this issue was NOT a problem; quite the opposite in fact.

If he has been deceving you, that is one thing, but in my opinion the idea that you are not enough for him because he likes porn is entirely nonsensical. I agree wholeheartedly with ToMacco.

I don't know but lately he's been weird about talking to me, and its just like he doesn't do things like he once did. Maybe I ruined what coluld have been a great friendship by getting involved...maybe I am a fool

no you're not!
perhaps you going to uni scares him?

Good Lord, of course not. No-one can tell the future and you would only be cursing yourself for not trying if you had not done so, and IF things go badly- and that is only an if- then if you are both mature and reasonable people you will still have that great friendsship when it is all done.

BUT I am stone cold certain that his viewing of porn is no evidence whatsoever for a decline in your relationship, and in any case if he IS viewing it he probably was when things were great between you two anyway so it's not much of a cause-and-effect link.

The test of your relationships is whether you can share and talk over these things properly. You have concerns? Bring them to him. If it is a healthy relationship he won't think this is unjustified nagging and he would be happy to set your mind at reat. And ask him about the porn as well if it makes you feel better- trust and understanding, yeah? And sharing. I might not think it is a problem but it certainly should not be his dirty little secret that he keeps from you.

You are most CERTAINLY not a fool for having tried your best with a man and for beiong concerned when things don't seem good., But if it is any consolation, no relationship on this planet ever seems like it once was, after some time has passed. That's not necessarily a disaster.

I wish you luck, in any case.

Are you sure you aren't acting weird towards him because of what you think you know? He might be thinking the same thing.

It is your call to leave this behind you or confront him with this. Thats life.

thanks Ush

I am reminded of a song that I heard from the Movie "Get Over It" called "Dream of Me" I used to sing it when we were friends because I really wanted to be with him, but we lived so far away that I didn't think he liked me that way...... one of the lyrics

"I'll hide beneath the clouds, and whisper to the evening star, they tell me love is just a dream away, dream away, dream away....I'll dream away, so let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see, and maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of....me."

good call raz

No problem, Padme.

Life doesn't always go as we plan but if you tried your best and were genuine of heart, you were no fool.

I just thought I had it right for once, I mean, when I'm with him, everything is right

Like every question that everyone thinks needs an answer doesn't, everything wrong, finally seems to go right, and things that don't make sense finally do....

He's the only person after my mom died that really cared enough to keep me from committing suicide.....he made sure I knew I was loved, and now I just don't feel it.....

I second Raz here...

like OB1 says; relax, take a deep breath
think before you do something, but don't be too negative

You'll be surprised how many of us have felt that way over time.

If it really has gone, then you will find it again. Until then you will have to endure, but mayhaps you will find yourself better at that than you think.

I can't make unpleasantness disappear with a few words but I can assure you that the most harsh of times can be lived through, and something found the other end.

I guess....tomorrow is our anniversary and I baked him a cake with chocolate frosting, his favorite, if it is over, then that will be my depression food tonight.....its a pretty big cake and I am a pretty small girl

Myself and yerssot will happily devour any cakes you want to vacuum pack and send by air...

Hang on, how will you know by tonight?

over the phone

think positive, perhaps he's planning something special for you tomorrow?

btw, speaking of food... my popcorn smells funny

Hmm... you sure you want to have such a critical conversation by phone? I think a bit of body language would be helpful.

he'll want it over the phone
i'll want it in person

that is if you think bad things

well hopefully nothing bad is going to happen when I call him later

Yeah. I hope it all works out. We'll be here for you to moan at, either way... that's how I tend to cope.

I'm off soon though, so I won't be around later on

alrighty well thanks Yerssot.....*hugs to you*

hey, I hope things work out

:shy:
*blushes*

thanks Mah

we all try to help

I know....

all guys look at porn, im sure even tommy lee did whiel he was dating pam anderson. its just out nature.

well I am going to see him today so hopefully it all works itself out

okie sorry to hear dear, if there is anything I can do I'll do it

We'll look forward to hearing about it. and all hope it goes well, I am sure.

It all went well. I didn't bring up the porn thing, because I guess I just have to settle with it, and not bother asking. If he doesn't want to tell me then so be it. But he did do something nice for me today. He got me tickets to this Renassiance Festival I've wanted to go to for a long time, so he took off work on Sunday and is taking me, that's why he's been so quite. He didn't want to blow the surprise. Plus, he was angry that the band couldn't practice this week. He lives in Maryland, right near where all the shootings have been happening lately. His school has been in lockdown since Monday, meaning no after school activities. And there last Tournament before States is this weekend, so they really haven't got much practice in. They did well today, even though they were inside, and unable to do the marching part of the field show, but tomorrow they will get a little more time, so hopefully that will help them out.

Well I am off to bed, thank you all for your help and ideas on all this. I will talk to you all tomorrow.

P.S.- He also got tickets to see Star Wars Episode II, there is a theatre that is still playing it in Maryland and its only 2 dollars per person. He is also a huge Star Wars and LOTR fan.

see, even porno lovers can be considerate

that sounds nice P, a happy end to it!

*does happydance*
Who said he was making a surprise?
who da man? who da man!

Lovely...

yerssot, you scare me sometimes. I just got home from the Renassiance Faire. It was pretty cool. I will tell you all about it tomorrow in a post, I am really tired right now. Cya laterz.

Ok...

thanks, I try my best

I see....well I will be sure to keep that in mind