Cosmo Kramer
So here it goes...
(Seinfeld sounds) Jerry and Elaine are shopping.
Jerry: So they expelled him from the Justice League.
Elaine: Wow. They can do that?
Jerry: Apparently they can!
Elaine: Wow, Jerry you seem to really have a thing for comic books. You really should of gone into it.
Jerry: Its not so much comic books Elaine. Thats one of my passions.
Elaine: Whats the other?
Jerry: Fighting crime!
(Friends gang enters)
Ross: Can we go home now?
Monica: No!
Ross: Why not?!
(The Friends gang argue)
Elaine: Wow. Will you take a look at that guy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: He's very annoying. Someone should say something.
Jerry: Elaine wait...I recognize her.
Elaine: Which one, the really pretty girl whose matched with the whiny loser.
Jerry: No. However, I think I went out with the girl choaking him.
(Jerry walks over to them)
Jerry: Excuse me, have we meet before?
Monica: No.
(Monica walks off to buy some coffee and bumps into Elaine. Elaine laughs, but Monica is still mad over what happened between her and Ross.)
Monica: Excuse me!
Elaine: Yes?
Monica: You bumped into me. In society we apologize for stuff like that?
Elaine: What?
Monica: You heard me...
Elaine: Hey! You bumped into me.
Chandler: Hey honey, lets just walk away.
Jerry: If I may intrude...does it really matter who bumped into who? Were all adults here. Were not children.
Monica: I think...you should mind your own business.
Jerry: I could of sworn we meet before. Didnt I go out with you?
Monica: No!
Elaine: Hey why dont you shut your mouth?
(Friends gang whistle and look away scared to death)
Ross: What? You guys dont know who your messing with.
Jerry: Well...it just so happens I am Jerry Seinfeld. I was a big celebrity in my day and have been to Oz.
Elaine: Yeah! You dont know who your messing with buddy?
(Elaine pokes Ross and Monica goes after Elaine)
Meanwhile...
Not too far away George who has grown a beard and put on some weight since being released from prison gets a phone call.
George: Hello.
Jerry: George you gotta get down here its madness! This group of Friends want to dance. Get over here.
George: Jerry?
Jerry: Yes?
George: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Just hurry up and get to the mall.
George: Which one?
Jerry: Remember the one with the parking garage.
George: Yeah. I'll be there.
Jerry: Great!
George: And Jerry...
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I really missed you.
Jerry: Awww thats sweet. Right back at you!
Back at the Mall....
Chanler: You two...are bad bad people.
Jerry: Lets just get this over with.
Joey: But theres more of us.
Phoebe: Thats true. (Laughs)
Jerry: Oh yeah well the calvaries on its way.
Chanler: What did you call the dork store or something?
(All the Friends laugh as Jerry and Elaine look away in both anger and shame)
(A short stocky angered man enters)
George: No!!! Thats not so!!!! Where did you find these guys the jerk store?
Ross: Oh, good one!
Jerry: Shut up peewie.
Joey: Why dont you shut up?
Ross: Joey let us handle it.
Monica: We dont need insults Ross, were stronger....
Chanler: And theres more of us!
(Puddy Enters)
Puddy: Did someone call?
Elaine: These *******! *************!!!! And **************
Puddy: I understand. I'm sorry Elaine, I dont believe in violence.
(Ross and Monica talking on the sidelines)
Ross: This guys pretty big.
Monica: Who cares? We can take him.
Joey: Why are we whispering?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Ross: What happened to Rachel?
Rachel: I'm right here.
Ross: Good. Because if anything happens I want you to know I'm right here.
Joey and Phoebe: Awwww.
(Five minutes later)
Puddy: And thats when I learned-
Ross: Looook...nobody cares about you man. If your not gonna fight then walk away!
Puddy: I changed my mind. Elaine?
Elaine: Yes?
Puddy: Lets kill these chumps.
George: Yes! It begins...the war to end all wars.
Jerry: Well I wouldnt go that far. It is a war though.
(Not too far in a very dark apartment)
Newman: So you've come to me.
Bania: Who else could I go to?
Newman: Really, there must of been someone?
Bania: No, Jerry never stops talking about you. Says when he looks into your eyes he sees all that is unholy and discusting.
Newman: Jerry said that?
Bania: Something along those lines.
Newman: Then it is to war I will go...but not for him.
Bania: Really I dont care. Just as long as you come.
Newman: Doesnt he hate you as well?
Bania: Who Jerry? Nah, couldnt. I gave him a brand new Armani suit.
Newman: That was like well over a decade ago.
(In Jerrys Apartment)
Jerry: Is everyone ready?
George: Not yet!
Elaine: Dont you chicken out on me George!
George: Whose the chicken?
Jerry: Come on George, were going to war!
Elaine: Yeah like in one of those S.E. Hinton Novels.
George: Never fineshed one!
(George grabs hold of the couch and Elaine and Jerry attempt to pull him off)
Jerry: Wait...you had sooo much time in prison.
George: Jerry I gotta be honest. When they transferred you to Oz they let me out for good behavior.
Jerry: What? I spent all that time in the whole for nothing?
(Newman enters and lightning strikes along with organs playing an evil tune)
Elaine: Wheres that music coming from?
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Your probably wondering what I am doing here?
George: Actually I think I speak for all of us when I ask how did you lose the weight?
Newman: Fair question. But it has nothing to do with this. You see Jerry Bania here has enlisted me to fight.
Bania: Hey Jerry when are we going out for dinner.
Jerry: What? Wait...first off Newman no offense but you cant come.
Newman: Why not? I have a gun.
Elaine: How cliche.
(Kramer slides into the apartment and the audience goes nuts!!!)
Jerry: Kramer is that you!
Kramer: Hey!
(Elaine and George do a stupid dance)
Kramer: I brought you all something back from my trip...
Jerry: What? Where have you been the last...
Bania: Nine years (Looks at his watch) Wow!
Kramer: I traveled around for a while. You know, jail really woke me up buddy. I realized there was a whole world out there and I needed to see it. You know for the second time.
Elaine: Well were all glad to have you back.
Kramer: So whats going on? Give me the lowdown?
(Jerry and Elaine both look at each other)
Kramer: Well...
(Puddy enters in fur coat and war paint)
Puddy: All right...I'm ready.
Does Kramer fight? Is Puddy stronger then Joey? Who wins?
(Seinfeld sounds) Jerry and Elaine are shopping.
Jerry: So they expelled him from the Justice League.
Elaine: Wow. They can do that?
Jerry: Apparently they can!
Elaine: Wow, Jerry you seem to really have a thing for comic books. You really should of gone into it.
Jerry: Its not so much comic books Elaine. Thats one of my passions.
Elaine: Whats the other?
Jerry: Fighting crime!
(Friends gang enters)
Ross: Can we go home now?
Monica: No!
Ross: Why not?!
(The Friends gang argue)
Elaine: Wow. Will you take a look at that guy?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: He's very annoying. Someone should say something.
Jerry: Elaine wait...I recognize her.
Elaine: Which one, the really pretty girl whose matched with the whiny loser.
Jerry: No. However, I think I went out with the girl choaking him.
(Jerry walks over to them)
Jerry: Excuse me, have we meet before?
Monica: No.
(Monica walks off to buy some coffee and bumps into Elaine. Elaine laughs, but Monica is still mad over what happened between her and Ross.)
Monica: Excuse me!
Elaine: Yes?
Monica: You bumped into me. In society we apologize for stuff like that?
Elaine: What?
Monica: You heard me...
Elaine: Hey! You bumped into me.
Chandler: Hey honey, lets just walk away.
Jerry: If I may intrude...does it really matter who bumped into who? Were all adults here. Were not children.
Monica: I think...you should mind your own business.
Jerry: I could of sworn we meet before. Didnt I go out with you?
Monica: No!
Elaine: Hey why dont you shut your mouth?
(Friends gang whistle and look away scared to death)
Ross: What? You guys dont know who your messing with.
Jerry: Well...it just so happens I am Jerry Seinfeld. I was a big celebrity in my day and have been to Oz.
Elaine: Yeah! You dont know who your messing with buddy?
(Elaine pokes Ross and Monica goes after Elaine)
Meanwhile...
Not too far away George who has grown a beard and put on some weight since being released from prison gets a phone call.
George: Hello.
Jerry: George you gotta get down here its madness! This group of Friends want to dance. Get over here.
George: Jerry?
Jerry: Yes?
George: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Just hurry up and get to the mall.
George: Which one?
Jerry: Remember the one with the parking garage.
George: Yeah. I'll be there.
Jerry: Great!
George: And Jerry...
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I really missed you.
Jerry: Awww thats sweet. Right back at you!
Back at the Mall....
Chanler: You two...are bad bad people.
Jerry: Lets just get this over with.
Joey: But theres more of us.
Phoebe: Thats true. (Laughs)
Jerry: Oh yeah well the calvaries on its way.
Chanler: What did you call the dork store or something?
(All the Friends laugh as Jerry and Elaine look away in both anger and shame)
(A short stocky angered man enters)
George: No!!! Thats not so!!!! Where did you find these guys the jerk store?
Ross: Oh, good one!
Jerry: Shut up peewie.
Joey: Why dont you shut up?
Ross: Joey let us handle it.
Monica: We dont need insults Ross, were stronger....
Chanler: And theres more of us!
(Puddy Enters)
Puddy: Did someone call?
Elaine: These *******! *************!!!! And **************
Puddy: I understand. I'm sorry Elaine, I dont believe in violence.
(Ross and Monica talking on the sidelines)
Ross: This guys pretty big.
Monica: Who cares? We can take him.
Joey: Why are we whispering?
Phoebe: Yeah!
Ross: What happened to Rachel?
Rachel: I'm right here.
Ross: Good. Because if anything happens I want you to know I'm right here.
Joey and Phoebe: Awwww.
(Five minutes later)
Puddy: And thats when I learned-
Ross: Looook...nobody cares about you man. If your not gonna fight then walk away!
Puddy: I changed my mind. Elaine?
Elaine: Yes?
Puddy: Lets kill these chumps.
George: Yes! It begins...the war to end all wars.
Jerry: Well I wouldnt go that far. It is a war though.
(Not too far in a very dark apartment)
Newman: So you've come to me.
Bania: Who else could I go to?
Newman: Really, there must of been someone?
Bania: No, Jerry never stops talking about you. Says when he looks into your eyes he sees all that is unholy and discusting.
Newman: Jerry said that?
Bania: Something along those lines.
Newman: Then it is to war I will go...but not for him.
Bania: Really I dont care. Just as long as you come.
Newman: Doesnt he hate you as well?
Bania: Who Jerry? Nah, couldnt. I gave him a brand new Armani suit.
Newman: That was like well over a decade ago.
(In Jerrys Apartment)
Jerry: Is everyone ready?
George: Not yet!
Elaine: Dont you chicken out on me George!
George: Whose the chicken?
Jerry: Come on George, were going to war!
Elaine: Yeah like in one of those S.E. Hinton Novels.
George: Never fineshed one!
(George grabs hold of the couch and Elaine and Jerry attempt to pull him off)
Jerry: Wait...you had sooo much time in prison.
George: Jerry I gotta be honest. When they transferred you to Oz they let me out for good behavior.
Jerry: What? I spent all that time in the whole for nothing?
(Newman enters and lightning strikes along with organs playing an evil tune)
Elaine: Wheres that music coming from?
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Your probably wondering what I am doing here?
George: Actually I think I speak for all of us when I ask how did you lose the weight?
Newman: Fair question. But it has nothing to do with this. You see Jerry Bania here has enlisted me to fight.
Bania: Hey Jerry when are we going out for dinner.
Jerry: What? Wait...first off Newman no offense but you cant come.
Newman: Why not? I have a gun.
Elaine: How cliche.
(Kramer slides into the apartment and the audience goes nuts!!!)
Jerry: Kramer is that you!
Kramer: Hey!
(Elaine and George do a stupid dance)
Kramer: I brought you all something back from my trip...
Jerry: What? Where have you been the last...
Bania: Nine years (Looks at his watch) Wow!
Kramer: I traveled around for a while. You know, jail really woke me up buddy. I realized there was a whole world out there and I needed to see it. You know for the second time.
Elaine: Well were all glad to have you back.
Kramer: So whats going on? Give me the lowdown?
(Jerry and Elaine both look at each other)
Kramer: Well...
(Puddy enters in fur coat and war paint)
Puddy: All right...I'm ready.
Does Kramer fight? Is Puddy stronger then Joey? Who wins?
