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The continuation of our favorite pirates lives after AWE...
Elizabeth: Hey Jack, what's up? How's the fountain of youth?
Jack: Excellent. My harem is enjoying it. What about you? You're looking smashing in that masculine vest.
Elizabeth: Thanks. Will is coming home tomorrow.
Jack: Ou lala. Pulling out all the stops, I see. (pulls out a walkie talkie) Barbossa, we've got a problem. Lizzie needs lingerie again.
Barbossa: (over walkie talkie) Shes hopeless. I left you a whole trunkfull in the cabin. Scarlet says hello, by the way.
Jack: (back to Lizzie) Now, if you'll just come with me to my cabin, we'll get you sorted in no time. Not that I'm overly fond of the whelp, but he's waited ten years for this moment. Throw the guy a bone.
In the cabin...
Elizabeth comes out in skanky outfit number 4...
Jack: That's the one! Glitter, corset, stockings... this one has it all.
Elizabeth: Perfect! It even hides my stretch marks. Jack, I actually had something to ask you.
Jack: Fire away.
Elizabeth: Would you mind babysitting tomorrow night? I thought after introducing Jack Junior- er, I mean, Will Junior, to his rightful dad, Will and I could get some alone time. You know, rent a movie, relax.
Jack: Absolutely. I love that little tyke like he was my own son.
Elizabeth: THanks. I was planning to rent "March of the Penguins." Sounds pretty sexy, no?
Jack: As sexy as a knee-kissing orgasm, my dear.
"Barbossa: (over walkie talkie) Shes hopeless. I left you a whole trunkfull in the cabin. Scarlet says hello, by the way."-----Kate
LOL! Awesome. And March of the Penguins. You know, there is a sex scene in that. I can see Jack babysitting and watching that with Junior.
(haven't seen the movie)
Morgan Freeman's voice: These two penguins have found love despite the cold. After their mating time, the male will go to keep the egg warm while the mother will watch rereuns of Sex and the City.
Junior: Uncle Jack?
Junior: What are those penguins doing?
Jack: (looks closer at the screen. His eyes go wide) Just the every fun, thing that penguins do...where the hell is the remote. It's a habit that most of them do...aha! (fast forwards) Look what I found, Junior. Penguin chickies!
Junior: They're so cute!
Jack: Whew. Will and Lizzie, you can't say I was the one who corrupted your kid.
CUT TO...Will and Liz post-sex
(They are in bed cuddling. Suddenly, Will jerks)
Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Will: I got a sudden vision of little Will watching porn.
Elizabeth: I've taken care of that. He's with Jack watching March of the Penguins.
Will: Elizabeth, my love, penguins do mate.
Elizabeth: The movie won like Best Documentary. It has to be appropriate for children.
CUT back to Jack and Junior
(Jack is putting him to bed)
Jack: There we go. Here is your stuffed, uh, Gibbs...creepy, and here we go, a stuffed seal. That's a little more normal.
Junior: Uncle Jack?
Junior: I can't sleep.
Jack: What's wrong, kid?
Junior: If the penguins were doing that to have a chick, is that what Mummy and Daddy do?
Jack: Uh...(picks up Junior's toys) "Look at me! I'm Gibbs. I know all about krakens and sea turtles." (sees it's not working) Look, Will, that's really something for you to ask them, and as funny as I think that will be, I shouldn't be around for that.
Junior: Oh. Well, is it possible for the penguins to do that without a chick?
Jack: If it's not, I'm in a lot of trouble.
Junior: (laughs) I love you, Uncle Jack.
Jack: Love you too. (closes the door and goes back to the living room. Gets out walkie-talkie) You there?
Barbossa: How'd it go?
Jack: I think I corrupted their kid!
Will and Elizabeth are walking through the door. Jack is sitting casually on the couch.
Jack: Hey guys, back so soon? Nice beard, Will. You totally pull it off.
Will: (blushing) Thanks Jack.
Elizabeth: So how is (takes a moment to make sure she's got it right) Will Junior?
Jack: Sleeping like a little lamb.
Elizabeth: I knew we could count on you, Jack. (casually plays with one of his dreds)
Jack: (hiding a giggle) Don't mention it.
Suddenly, Will Junior comes running in.
Will J: Hi mommy! Hi Mr. Ferryman!
Will: (to Elizabeth) When is he going to start calling me dad?
Will J: Did you guys do what the penguins did before you had me?
Elizabeth: What do you mean? (to Jack) What is he talking about?
Suddenly, Barbossa rushes through the door.
Barbossa: It's my fault! Jack had nothing to do with it, I swear. I corrupted your kid. I told him all about the birds and the bees, and I showed him the knee-scene, too. Sorry. It won't happen again.
(Jack winks at Barbossa as if to say, thanks)
Will: Barbossa! How could you?
Barbossa: (shrugs) Pirate.
Will and Elizabeth decide after a week at Disneyworld with Junior to go on a honeymoon just the two of them, possibly to make Elizabeth Junior. Of course, Junior is left with Jack and Barbossa just when they were ready to embark on a voyage.)
Barbossa: Jack! You can't take Junior with us! There may be murder and mayhem!
Junior: Cool! (clutches Jack's hand) Can we go somewhere that has monkeys?
Jack: (does that swing-thing adults do with kids when they hold hands) Whatever you want. There's treasure everywhere.
Barbossa: Jack! We had settled on finding the heads of Easter Island. I don't think there's any monkeys there.
Junior: Please, Uncle Hector? (gives him Puss in Boots eyes)
Barbossa: (tossles kid's hair) Oh, all right. We'll let you see all the monkeys you want.
Junior: Thank you! (runs off singing) Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
Jack: You big lug. One cute-kid look and you melt.
Barbossa: I do not. The kid had no father for 10 years. He's entitled to be a little spoiled now and then.
Jack: They took him to Disneyworld!
(Junior comes back with a cardboard sword)
Junior: Avast, Uncle Jack!
Jack: (takes out his own sword) I told you, kid. No cool pirate says, "avast."
Junior: Oh yeah. (laughs) Hey, you! I'm taking this ship...
Junior: ...comandeering this ship and taking it to wherever I please!
(they pretend to fight)
Barbossa: Time to cast off soon. (heads towards helm)
Junior: Can I come with you?
Barbossa: (melts again) Of course you can! Here, I have this lollipop for you.
Will and ELizabeth are hosting a party on the Pearl as a "Welcome Home Will!" Gala; all their old pirate buddies are there, and Will Junior is enjoying himself as well.
Jack: So then I says to her, Lizzie, that corset doesn't make you look any less pregnant!
Everyone roars with laughter, except Will, who laughs half-heartedly.
Barbossa: But ye didn't tell about the time she paused an epic battle to nurse her newborn yet!
Elizabeth: A clever battle tactic, i think. You all needed a breather.
Pintel: (aside, to Ragetti) And a look at her chest...
Gibbs: Ah, that's a mighty fine tale... There we were, in the midst of an epic battle...
Jack: Wasn't that the day we found the treasure of antigua?
Elizabeth: I had completely forgotten that! (toasts Jack, who toasts her back with relish) And Will junior slayed his first undead pirate...
Will Junior: (grins proudly) Uncle Jack taught me how...
Jack: Ah, those were the days...
Will: (muttering) Glad to see I was missed...
Elizabeth: Will, tell us some of your adventures on the high seas of the locker.
Will tries to make up an exciting story, while the band strikes up a lively tune. Finally, Will pulls Elizabeth aside, and a whispered fight ensues. Barbossa and Jack look on, while chugging rum.
Jack: Gee... I feel kind of bad.
Barbossa: Well, that's life. You get your heart cut out, go ferrying undead souls while your wife traverses the high seas with better-looking men like me... (takes a gulp)
Jack: We have to do something!
Will and ELizabeth sitting in what looks like a psychiatrists' office. Barbossa sits with spectacles perched on his nose, taking meticulous notes.
Barbossa: And how did that make you feel?
Will: It made me feel wrathful. Almost like slamming her up against a mast with a kiss and leaving her there.
Elizabeth: I KNEW you were going to bring that up!
Barbossa: Now, now. Let's remember the words we learned!
Elizabeth: (taking a deep breath) Will, I'm sorry. It hurts my feelings when you bring up the past. I will try to include you in the conversation at parties held in your honor from now on.
Will: (also calming down) I forgive you Elizabeth. And I'm sorry about the outburst.
Barbossa: Good, good. That's the ticket. And remember, if you ever need to release latent aggression, a good hour or two of intense swordplay can be just the thing. Really go at each other, you know?
It is a month later and Will and Elizabeth feel they're making progress. They decide, God bless 'em, to have a dinner party.
Jack: So, William, introduce us to the other side of the table.
Will: Oh, these are just some of MY friends I met on the high seas. They were alive and just volunteered their time. This is Joe Wren.
Joe: (Jack's dopplganger) I'm Captain Joe Wren, you got that?
Will: Mr. Stubbs.
Stubbs: (Gibbs' doppleganger) I'm Irish and I drink. Who wants to hear a song?
Gibbs: I like him!
Will: And this is Petunia.
Petunia: (somehow a female version of Barbossa) Hi.
Jack: Ha! (nudges Barbossa) You're the girl!
(Elizabeth comes out with stuffed quail)
Elizabeth: I hope you all put on your hungry hats! Junior, stop that.
(Junior is poking Petunia)
Will: Friends off of the Dutchman, this is Jack Sparrow, Gibbs, and Barbossa.
Petunia: Charmed. (winks at Barbossa. He flushes)
Elizabeth: So, Will, tell Junior about what all you and your friends did.
Will: Well, son, after we found a guy with no eyes...
Elizabeth: Um, how about a different story?
Will: Uh, well, there was this time we found a guy mangled by a shark.
Elizabeth: (raises her glass frantically) To everyone at the table. Here, here.
(they all drink)
Junior: It's okay, Daddy. Mummy said you once skidded down a sail with your knife, winning Best Stunt of the Year.
Will: Oh yeah! I did! That WAS cool.
Jack: There was also the matter of whacking old friends with oars...
Will: (in a dramatic story with Junior) So there I was, in my first of two kraken attacks. Faced with impending doom...
Joe: Hey, you got a dad named Teague?
Jack: Uh, yeah. Do youuuuu?
Dun dun dun
The Return of the Awkward Dinner Party
(Jack is fearing what Joe will say. At this revelation, Gibbs has started choking on his quail.)
Elizabeth: Oh no you don't! Not at my dinner party! (she jumps out of her chair and does the Heimlich Maneuver on Gibbs. The chunk lands in Junior's milk cup)
Junior: When you said to polish off everything on my plate...
Will: I'll just refill your drink there, son. (goes into the kitchen. Jack follows him)
Jack: Okay, I've thought about it, and I've decided: I want you to kill Joe.
Will: Get back out there and find out if he's your brother.
Jack: You were much more compliant before you got cursed for 10 years. (does the angry kid stomp back to the table)
Elizabeth: Ah well, how to make this less awkward. Let's talk politics! I'm not in favor of illegal immigration. Anyone else?
Barbossa: In a moment, lass. We were just hearing some interesting Sparrow family tree information.
Joe: No, my dad's named Pascal. I just know your dad is all. Oh, and before she died, I had sex with your mom.
(Jack starts choking on his quail. Elizabeth rolls her eyes and saves his life. She does the angry kid stomp back to her chair and bursts into tears)
Elizabeth: Dinner parties shouldn't be about tension and plot twists, dammit! I'm the freakin' Pirate King and I say we have a pleasant dinner at home with all our friends and our son and somebody had better compliment this meal or so help me (whips out her gun), somebody and somebody's lookalike are going down!
Barbossa: Mmmm, quail.
Petunia: Mmmm, Barbossa.
Barbossa: Help me.
Junior: So, who here at the table hasn't killed anyone? (No one raises their hand) All right. I tried to help, Mummy. Daddy, can I have a brother?
(Everyone shuts up)
Jack: (trying to change the subject) To Lizzie for saving my life and to William for protecting his offspring from Mr. Gibbs' partially digested meat!
Will: (rises) All right. Well, thank you all for coming. I have a big day tomorrow starting the job hunt and Elizabeth has to get up early to start her kingly duties. We'll box up your quail and send you on your way.
Jack: I recognize that gleam in your eye...
(Elizabeth startles as if she's been nudged under the table)
Elizabeth: Oh! Oh yes. Everybody get the hell out.
Gibbs: But you promised dessert.
Elizabeth: I'll ship it to you. (gets up and makes her guests leave) Okay, Junior. Bedtime.
Junior: Do I have a double somewhere?
Elizabeth: If you do, he's probably evil.
Junior: Yikes. (cuddles his Power Ranger)
Will: Time to carry you up to bed. (Elizabeth prepares herself for him to sweep her off her feet, but instead he swoops up Junior. He returns 5 minutes later) Okay, your turn.
Jack is on his walkie talkie with Barbossa again.
Jack: Now, slowly kiss her and tell her she looks lovely tonight. (We can hear Barbossa completing the instructions over the walkie talkie, and a woman's delighted response.) Now, pull away like you are afraid of violating her honor. Tell her you think you are falling in love with her. Then, hide your face like you expect to be rejected. (Once again, we hear Barbossa doing this. The woman he is with clearly is playing right into their hands.) Now, let HER be the one to suggest you move into the bedroom. (We hear a stifled word like Barbossa has been interrupted with a kiss.)
Barbossa: (quickly) Thank ye, Jack. My careless and violent wenching days are done. (Turns off walkie talkie.)
Jack: Just doing my civic duty.
Jack wanders out and sits on a dock, we can see the Pearl tied up near by.
Jack: Guess it's just you and me, darling.
Suddenly, Will approaches.
Will: Hello, Jack.
Jack: Where's the happy family?
Will: Elizabeth took Will Junior to a party at Chuckie Cheese's. (Will mopes a little).
Jack: Mommy Elizabeth. (Giggles) Never ceases to amuse me.
Will: What's a married man supposed to do for fun when his wife is busy?
Jack: Darned if I know.
Will: What about you, Jack? Have you been with anyone since...?
Jack: Since your wife? Not really no. (Sees Will's shocked face, and laughs.) Just kidding, mate.
Will: Maybe I could try to set you up with someone...
CUT TO... Jack is nervously pacing Will and Elizabeth's family room. Will junior is sitting on the couch reading to his power ranger. Elizabeth comes rushing in.
Elizabeth: She'll be here any minute. Are you nervous?
Jack: Me? Nervous? I'm captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?
Elizabeth: Remember, be polite and offer to pay for dinner. And whatever you do, remember to take off your hat inside the restaurant.
Jack: (swearing) I can't believe I let Will talk me into this...
Elizabeth goes and joins Will.
Elizabeth: So, who did you find to set him up with? I didn't know you had a lot of lady friends.
Will: (insulted) I do so!
Knock at the door. Everyone jumps up, but Elizabeth nods at Jack to answer. Jack adjusts himself, clears his throat, and opens the door. It's Anamaria.
Will: You two know each other?
Elizabeth: (groaning) Will! That's how you MET Anamaria-- through JACK!
Will: (hitting his head with his hand) Damnit! I knew this seemed too easy. How on earth did I forget that?
Anamaria walks up to Will and slaps him across the face.
Anamaria: You tricked me! You said you were setting me up with a decent, upright, respectable man!
Will: (flabbergasted) I'm sorry!
Anamaria: Well, sorry isn't going to cut it. Come on, Jack. Let's get out of here.
Anamaria and Jack link arms and march out. As they walk out, they begin chatting amiably.
Jack: So, how have you been?
Anamaria: Oh, can't complain. You?
Jack: Fairly well. (They begin making out. Will Junior watches them in shock, while Elizabeth covers his eyes with her hand and Will shuts the door.)
Will and Elizabeth are sitting, having a quiet evening at home. Will is helping Junior with his homework, while Elizabeth knits by the fire.
Will: Now, add those together and what do you get?
Junior: Fourteen pirates.
Elizabeth watches them and smiles. Everything is peaceful.
Suddenly, they hear a shout and Barbossa bursts in the front door, slamming it behind him and breathing heavily. He is dressed up like Darth Vader.
Barbossa: (trying to act casual) Oh, good evening. I didn't realize you three would be home at... (checks his watch) 8 o'clock on a Sunday evening.
Will and Elizabeth roll their eyes. Another shout is heard outside and Barbossa whips out a pistol.
Elizabeth: Barbossa, what have I told you about weapons in the house???
Will points to Junior with a look. Barbossa grins and winks.
Barbossa: Sorry. (puts pistol away) So, what are you working on, kid?
Junior: Math. (barbossa looks at the paper and his eyes go buggy. he puts it down.)
Suddenly, Jack rushes through the door and bars it behind him, also breathing heavily. He is wearing head-to-toe camo and has a mask on. When he sees Barbossa, he lets out a yelp and almost shoots him.
Jack: Oh, just you. You shouldn't scare me like that!
Will: Alright, Jack. What is going on?
Jack: Nothing. Just a little fight with the neighbors, that's all.
Barbossa: (muttering) You started it.
Jack: I did not!
Elizabeth: Wait... were YOU the ones who T-P-ed their house yesterday???
Jack: (grinning slyly) Maybe.
Junior: Mommy, I thought you said that kind of behavior was for criminals!
Elizabeth: I DID. (Jack and Barbossa take a hint. They move to leave.)
Jack: Lizzie, you wouldn't happen to have any eggs in the house, would you?
Elizabeth: (coyly) Maybe... (goes to cupboard, rumages, then suddenly whips around and throws the egg square at Jack's chest. It splatters all over him.)
Jack and Barbossa take shelter and begin pelting Will and Elizabeth with pillows from the couch. Will grabs Junior and throws him under the table, then starts launching wads of paper back at them. Elizabeth keeps throwing eggs.
In the midst of this mayhem, a loud pounding is suddenly heard at the door.
Voice: Open in the name of the Governor!
Jack: Oh no! He's here to arrest us...
Will: You TP-ed the GOVERNOR'S house??!
Barbossa: (giggling) something like that...
The pounding continues...
Jack: (begging) Don't open that! I dont want to go to jail...
Barbossa: (whining) me either!
VOICE: Open, or I'll break down the door!
Will: (wearily) We can't afford to pay bail and get them out.
Jack: Only one option left. Lizzie?
Elizabeth: (rolling her eyes) Very well. Get under the table, everyone. (they all obey, pulling the table cloth down over them. Lizzie strips down to her corset and underskirt, then moves to open the door.)
Lizzie: Can I help you?
Soldier: (much taken aback) Oh my... I'm searching for two suspicious characters. Have you seen anything strange happening around here?
Lizzie: (taking a glance around the room, which is a total disaster area covered in eggs, feathers, and papers.) Nothing at all. Everything's been absolutely quiet, officer. But I will let you know if I see a disturbance. (smiles seductively at him, the soldier blushes)
Soldier: Thank you so much.
Lizzie: Good night. (Soldier leaves and she shuts the door.)
Junior: (to Will) Jack always says it's good to have a woman around in a crisis...
Will and Elizabeth take Junior to the mall. It's a nice family outing. He's run ahead to play in the plastic tunnels)
Will: Elizabeth, do you ever get the feeling our home gets invaded by our friends sometimes?
Elizabeth: Welcome to what my life's been for the 10 years you were gone.
Will: It's not that I want to disassociate from them. I like Barbossa and Jack and I go way back and they're both so good to Junior, but they need to, um...
Elizabeth: Get lives?
Will: I was going to say get women.
Elizabeth: Will, I've tried fixing them up on numerous occasions. Barbossa is just a disgusting old man and Jack, well, he's very picky.
Will: Okay, I say we make another effort.
(Later that night.)
Barbossa: (enters the house and is greeted by the Turners) I brought some extra popcorn. I've been waiting a long time to see Waiting to Exhale.
Elizabeth: Glad you could make it. (Jack is behind. She gives him a kiss on the cheek) Jack! I was beginning to think this wasn't your kind of movie.
Jack: You promised me boobs. (sees Junior) Ah! Popcorn! This is going to be one swell movie.
Junior: You didn't tell them yet, Daddy?
Jack: Tell us what, DADDY?
Will: We're going to have some guests at movie night this week. It sort of explains why we picked a chick flick since Elizabeth and I both prefer shoot 'em ups.
(Meryl Streep and Kate Beckinsale come through the kitchen)
Meryl: You know, I was just saying to Jeremy, because I've been in a movie with Jeremy Irons, that the Turners house is nicer than any in Martha's Vineyard.
Kate: Do you have to drop names all the time? (sees Jack) Wow.
Will: Miss Streep and Miss Beckinsale , I'd like you to meet Captains Hector Barbossa and Jack Sparrow.
Elizabeth: Will! How do you know them?
Will: Let's just say Meryl's a bad sailor and I made a deal with her in case we needed her in a situation like this.
Elizabeth: (pushing through Barbossa and Jack) Oh my gosh! I'm such a big fan of Underworld, Miss Beckinsale. You are a great female action star. And Miss Streep, I went to go see The Devil Wears Prada with a friend, and even though my friend thought you were the same lady from 101 Dalmatians, I knew you weren't!
Meryl: Uh, great. (to Barbossa) So, have you seen this movie?
Barbossa: Huh? Oh yeah, movie night.
(Kate is a little more ballsy and sits across Jack's lap. He seems to like it.)
Jack: I don't suppose you've been in a few fights? (hopeful that she has been)
Kate: I fight werewolves and mean vampires who cross me.
Jack: How long is this movie?
Kate: I don't know. Probably 2 hours.
Jack: Ah. Well, I can hold off. (puts arm around her)
(Will and Elizabeth snuggle on the couch. The smile at each other.)
Will: So...I'm going to turn out the lights. Nudge nudge.
Elizabeth: Will... (waits for him to look at her) Act cool, please.
Awesome! It's like a more masculine Desperate Housewives when it's all put together. Thanks.
So, what should our couple, their kid, and their friends do next? Any ideas?
I can totally see Jack and Barbossa squabbling in the candy isle, lol.
THat would be funny... peanuts, and the monkey.... all the possibilities... OMG!! the rum section, the apple section..... so many possibilites
(Will and Elizabeth are getting some candy for their potential trick-or-treaters. Junior is looking pretty proud of himself)
Will: You haven't been one of those moms that gives out apples, have you?
Elizabeth: No. Lots of chocolate. But nothing with peanuts. I don't want to be responsible for any allergic reactions.
(They walk down the aisle. Suddenly, bags of candy are thrown over their heads into the adjacent aisles)
Elizabeth: What the...?
(Jack runs into their aisle, arms full of rum)
Jack: Here. Hold these. (dumps some of them onto them) Just be cool.
(Barbossa starts running after him)
Barbossa: There you are, you addle-brained twit!
Will: What's going on? You know the store's policy: break it, you buy it.
Barbossa: This curr stole me rum!
Jack: YOUR rum? It's the store's, which I plan on buying.
Junior: You guys will never guess my costume!
Barbossa: Just a minute, lad. We need to straighten this out. (back to Jack) I'll unleash my monkey on you!
Jack: Oh woe is me! I guess I'll just have to feed the little tyke to make sure it doesn't poke me a few times!
Elizabeth: Hold on. Hold on. I think I know how to settle this. (goes into the alcohol aisle. She returns with a cart full of various spirits, including some margarita mix) We're having a party.
Will: Ooh, parties.
(It's a Tortuga-ish Halloween party at the Turners' house. Pirates are everywhere, but dressed in various costumes. The house is elaborately decorated with spider webs, bones, and a fog machine. Everyone is enjoying the ample "punch" bowls.)
(Will and Elizabeth come down the stairs as Herman and Lily Munster)
Will: It was nice of Gibbs to take Junior trick-or-treating.
Elizabeth: Yes, it was. Looks like the party is in full swing.
(Bags of candy start flying over their heads)
(Jack, as a rather frightening skeleton, and Barbossa, as Houdini, continue fighting.)
Will: What is it this time?
Jack: He took my margarita!
Barbossa: He took my ship!
Jack: He took it first!
(Gibbs, dressed as Jimmy Hendricks, comes in with Junior, who is dressed as Captain Hook, come in)
Junior: Look at all my candy!
(Everyone puts their arms around each other and grins)
Will: Successful night, son!
Elizabeth: Let Mummy and Daddy check it before you eat any of it.
Junior: How's the party going?
Jack: Absolutely splendid!
Barbossa: Love the costume, lad.
(Junior smiles and walks into the kitchen. The adults continue throwing candy at each other.)
junior as captain hook.... LOVE IT!!!
lol, captain Junior
LOL You guys this is brilliant. I can totally see all of them freezing as junior comes in and then start beating each other up again as he leaves the room
These are really funny.. Barbossa and Jack r so immature LMAO
Any more of these?
Hmm, what to do, what to do...
(Junior and his parents are having an outing on the beach. Junior runs ahead and picks up several shells)
Junior: Which one does this look like, Daddy?
Will: (picks up the shell) Ah, that's what Mr. Charles looked like on the Dutchman before I came along.
(Junior pockets it and picks up another one)
Junior: And this one?
Will: Well, that looks like a cross between Mr. Horowitz and Mr. Smith.
Elizabeth: (has suddenly stopped dead in her tracks) Uh, Will? What happened to all those guys when you came back?
Will: It's all taken care of.
(Cut to the Flying Dutchman. Captain Bootstrap is whistling merrily and not being crazy for once.)
(Cut back to the Turner family. They're all playing in the water now)
Jack: Hey! Hey!
Will: Oh look it's Jack. (waves) Hi, Jack!
Jack: Why are all of you in the water?
Elizabeth: You seem panicked.
Jack: Astute observation. Out! There's trouble!
Junior: What's wrong, Uncle Jack?
Jack: This was found amongst Junior's shells (hands them a message in a bottle)
Will: (reading) Your father, while not a tyrant, has gotten extremely annoying. Ever since he's heard he's become a grandpa, he's been sitting in a rocker telling us stories about his youth. While we already knew lots of embarassing things about Jack and Barbossa, he has taken to telling us stories of you when were a baby before he left you and your mom. As much as we like hearing stories of Baby Captain Turner's green infant poo, , we dislike what all's going on. He tells us he would walk 15 miles in the snow to get to the ships when he was younger. He gives us pennies and tells us not to spend them all in one place. Please do something about his grandpa-isms. Sincerely, the crew.
Jack: Now you see what we're up against. When I knew Bootstrap, he used to be cool. Now he's a square.
Junior: Let's go visit Grandpa!
Elizabeth: That might actually solve the problem, Will. Your father will focus all his attention on us and Junior. (sees Jack shuffle his feet and look at the ground) Jack, is something wrong.
Jack: No, nothing. It's just with Kate Beckinsale shooting a movie and Barbossa going back to ship traffic school, I might just house sit for you guys...all alone...with only some rum...
Junior: Uncle Jack should come to! (Jack perks up)
Will: Fine. We'll set out tomorrow for the Dutchman.
And so our heroes embark on a journey to the supernatural. How will Bootstrap react to seeing them? Will Jack cause trouble? Will Elizabeth consider this a honeymoon of sorts? Will Barbossa pass ship traffic school? Find out in the next installment.
lol to Jack.. drama much?
they're going to visit bootstrap!
and barby's going to school? O.O
so, when is the next installment coming out willo?
hahahaha oh gee...
(Barbossa is sitting in a classroom trying to focus)
Boring teacher: When in your ships, pirate or not, it's a good idea to maintain a healthy distance between you and other ships. While swinging across onto another ship sounds fun, or "cool," it is hazardous to yourself and to the crew of the other ship.
Barbossa: Wonder what Jack and everybody else is doing...
(CUT TO The Flying Dutchman)
Bootstrap: (showing them around) And over here I've installed a flat screen puppet theater. When the crew sits in the very back, the puppets are still as big as their foot! Everything is in high clarity.
Elizabeth: That sounds great, Grandpa Turner.
Bootstrap: Bootstrap, sweetheart. Now, you may remember this is Davy's cabin where he would play that God-awful organ all the time. But with some clever hydraulics, it's a health spa!
(our heroes look in and see some off-duty crew members lounging in a hot tub)
Will: I like what you've done with the place, Dad, but you remember this was my ship. It's really Junior that's never been on it before.
Bootstrap: How you liking it so far, kid?
Junior: It's a great ship, Grandpa! I colored this earlier of what I thought it would look like. (he holds up a child's drawing of a ship with a stick figure at the helm. Only we know it bears some resemblance to Bootstrap)
Bootstrap: (teary-eyed) It's the best gift I ever got! This gets framed and placed on the mantle of my cabin.
Jack: (nudges Junior) Where's my drawing for my cabin?
Junior: You don't have your ship back yet.
Jack: That's what you think. Now that Barbossa got a ship traffic violation, his captaincy is suspended.
Elizabeth: Have you forgotten he's a pirate?
Jack: Certainly not, love, but he won't chance it. Yep. The Pearl's as good as mine.
(They all come back up to the deck. A crewman brings pink lemonade and scones for everyone.)
Bootstrap: Oh, I came across these and figured you would all like to have them. (passes out books) It's called Memoirs of a Geisha. Found it in the time portal. Pretty good. Sexy.
Jack: I'll take two copies, please.
Will: Sounds like you're doing great for yourself, Dad.
Bootstrap: Sure am, but it's already time to be thinking of a replacement when my ten years are up. It'd be nice to not see bloated drowned bodies and instead see someone that was maybe strangled to death or beaten with a bat.
Elizabeth: Speaking of which, you'll have to visit Shipwreck Cove.
(Jack senses things are getting a little too refined. He lets out a sigh but then sees a ship in the distance)
Jack: That's the Pearl!
Barbossa: (yells over to them) Passed me test with flyin' colors, I did! I'll be the one teachin' the lad how to captain!
Jack: That son of a... (dives in and swims after the ship)
(Will takes his scone)
Elizabeth: He'll be back, Will.
Will: (takes Jack's lemonade also) And he'll be so mad he'll forget all about one tiny glass of lemonade gone.
i loved: Now you see what we're up against. When I knew Bootstrap, he used to be cool. Now he's a square.
lol. awesome willo:P
Originally posted by Tramps Lady
i loved: Now you see what we're up against. When I knew Bootstrap, he used to be cool. Now he's a square.
lol. awesome willo:P
LOOOOOOOOL!! Poor Jack swimming after the Pearl, Will stealing lemonade and Bootstrap being square. LMAO!!! You have to go on.
I know... I can totally picture Jack jumping in after the pearl...
Someone should write one... din't look at me... I suck at this sort of thing...
dont look at me either....i suck biiiiig time
*looks at Jaeh* pleaase?
Hmm, Jack has decided to pursue another date with Kate Beckinsale. Because he doesn't want to associate her with this forum, he calls her Katie.
(They are having dinner at a restaurant. It's nice, but there is something a little Tortuga-ish about it, as if this is a place where seedy things take place under the surface)
Katie: How's your shrimp?
Jack: Meaty...kind of. How's your wine?
Katie: You're having the same wine.
Jack: Oh. Well, mine's spiced with some rum and whiskey in it, so I was wondering how it tasted pure.
Katie: Nothing about me is 100% pure... (he flinches as if he's been nudged under the table. He grins at her)
Jack: You know...bugger.
Katie: What's wrong?
Jack: Don't look behind you, but Will and Lizzie are here.
Katie: Ohhhh. Just lay low and maybe we'll get out of double dating with them.
Jack: Triple dating, you mean.
Katie: They're with people?
Jack: Anamaria and... (does a double take when she's with Charlie Sheen)
Katie: Oh! Don't tell me: that homunculus and his friend with the wooden eye.
Jack: Not remotely close.
Katie: Let me think then. How about some boy that's noble, heroic, terrific soprano. Worth at least four... maybe three and a half souls.
Jack: You keep getting colder and colder (waves).
(Katie turns and sees Charlie Sheen. Will and Elizabeth wave, happy to see them. Anamaria waves, slightly embarassed.)
Katie: Do all girls you date run into Charlie Sheen's arms?
Jack: About half. The other turn gay, my dear.
Katie: (raises her glass) To Anamaria: may she find the brave soul I so originally described, and may Charlie Sheen leave her anything but sullied and unusual.
Jack: (smitten) Have you heard the phrase, 'great minds think alike?'
Hahahahahah! Love it. Very well written.
Will and Liz are appearing on Oprah, to taut Will's new book: "True Love Waits", which is on Oprah's book list.
Oprah: And now we are going to hear from some dear friends of mine, who have truly exemplified a commitment that can inspire us all. Ladies and Gentlemen, William and Elizabeth Turner!
(everyone claps. Will and Elizabeth come out looking very smart and stylish.)
Oprah: Thank you both so much for being here. I'm sure it must be difficult, after being separated for so long, to take time.
Will: It's a pleasure. We are so honored to be here.
Elizabeth: He watches your show constantly. He's such a big fan.
Oprah: Now, Elizabeth I know you have this incredible story of love. You crossed some clear class boundaries to get together, had your wedding day ruined, and then actually experienced the death of your husband, only to have him restored to you. And then you were seperated for 10 years?
Elizabeth: Yes, 10 years.
Oprah: Tell me about the journey. Were there ever moments you didn't think you would make it?
Elizabeth: Oh, all the time. People see it as this epic grand story, but having your wedding ruined? Do you have any idea how much money we'd spent on that? So there's a ton of credit card debt right there, not to mention, we had to send the gifts back.
Oprah: Did you ever get the storybook wedding you'd hoped for?
Elizabeth: Well, it was sort of rushed. We were in the midst of an epic battle, and then Will died, but once things got sorted out we had a day to ourselves before he had to leave again.
Oprah: I'm sure it was a truly special day.
Elizabeth: Of course, but frankly, we've had much better since. The first time is always a little awkward.
Oprah: (changing the subject) Will, what was the separation like for you?
Will: Well, we skyped a lot. Wrote a lot of letters. There were a few times we cheated on the curse a little bit: a little trick I learned from Davy Jones about a bucket of water. Long distance relationships can work, they just take a lot of effort and commitment. Plus, Elizabeth was raising a kid and working full time as Pirate King, and she had a lot of people looking after her. That made it much easier on me.
Oprah: (to Elizabeth) And during this time you raised your son.
Elizabeth: Yes, Will Junior.
(Camera shows Will Junior in the audience, waving.)
Oprah: What was that like for you?
Elizabeth: It was a great experience. I had a lot of help, especially from two people: Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa.
Oprah: (to audience) We've asked Captain Sparrow and Captain Barbossa to be here with us today. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give them a warm welcome!
(Everyone claps wildly as Jack and Barbossa come onstage. Both look snazzy.)
Oprah: So you two were there for Elizabeth while she was raising this child apart from Will?
Jack: Every inch of the way.
Barbossa: We love him like he was our own son.
Jack: It was a little like living in a sitcom. Every day you wake up, go up on deck, and think, what trouble is the kid going to get us into today?
Barbossa: And if it wasn't the kid, it was Elizabeth. Oprah, I don't know if you know what a hardened criminal she is. Why, just thinking about all the violence, all the debauchery...
Oprah: (interrupting) So, Will, what inspired you to write this book?
Will: (clearly drumming it up to get attention away from Barbossa and Jack) Coming back to find my love with Elizabeth stronger than ever. I just wanted to remind modern couples that true love can last forever. I don't think people have heard that message since the Princess Bride came out.
(Everyone smiles and nods.)
Oprah: That is such a powerful message.
Jack: (interrupting, clearly to steal attention away from Will) You know, Oprah, what made this whole experience that much more dramatic? I was in love with Elizabeth at the time she and Will were married.
(the crowd gasps.)
Oprah: Oh my goodness. I had no idea!
Jack: Most people didn't. I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize Elizabeth's love for Will. I tried to treat her with absolute honor and respect.
(Will rolls his eyes. The crowd claps.)
Oprah: It was incredibly selfless of you to save Will's life and assure they would be together.
Jack: Well, I care about them both so much. That's why I stayed around to help raise Will junior.
Oprah: What was that like for you? Were you still in love with Elizabeth?
Jack: (tearing up) Yes... for a long time it was incredibly difficult. I had to deny myself for the sake of her marriage. I didn't think I would ever love again...
(The crowd is all misty eyed. Will is rolling his eyes and Elizabeth is shaking her head, no doubt remembering Jack's many exploits during the time period.)
Oprah: What helped you finally move past her?
Jack: Well, I worked a lot. Stole and buried a lot of treasure, you know. After a while, though, I knew I needed to move on. Will was coming back, and they would get on with their life. That's when I met Kate Beckinsale. We are currently dating. She is the first person to make me feel this way in a long time.
Announcer voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, Kate Beckinsale!
Kate Beckinsale walks out in armani. Even Oprah seems surprised.
Jack: So Katie, tell me. What is it like, dating the most notorious pirate in the caribbean?
Katie: It's a blast. We're having a great time. We're still in the flirty romantic stage, so it's all, "will he kiss me? will he use tongue?"
Jack: (giggling) Oh, he will.
Oprah: And do you ever talk about his past?
Katie: Oh, all the time. He's legendary. He's got endless stories. So I have to come up with endless stories to top him. It's kind of like a game.
Jack: Which we often play naked.
Oprah: I think there's a lot modern couples could learn from you. Do you have a message you want to leave the audience with?
Jack: Just follow your heart. Don't be afraid to love again...
Will: Excuse me, Oprah? But I thought this episode was about ELIZABETH and I!
Oprah: Oh, right. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will all be taking home a copy of Will's new book, "True Love Waits"!
Jack: And, stay tuned for MY book, which will be released soon, entitled, "True Love or True Lust? A Pirate's approach to romance."
"Elizabeth: Oh, all the time. People see it as this epic grand story, but having your wedding ruined? Do you have any idea how much money we'd spent on that? So there's a ton of credit card debt right there, not to mention, we had to send the gifts back."------Kate
Oh my gosh! Every bit of this was hilarious! Oprah, never thought of them all going on there. And for some reason I imagined Jack pulling a Tom Cruise and jumping on her couch to shout how in love he is...but I guess he and Katie aren't there yet.
(Will and Elizabeth are in their living room. They look like they are expecting someone)
Will: (watching tv) You know, I really like this show Everybody Loves Raymond. The Frank character really reminds me of Barbossa.
Elizabeth: It's won several awards.
Will: What night are the new ones on?
Elizabeth: Oh, sweetie, the last episode was a few years ago.
Will: I hate Davy Jones. (pouts)
Elizabeth: (snuggles next to him) You know, I'm sure he's in hell, those tentacles burned to a nauseating crisp. Little goblins are pecking away at his wooden leg so he can't run away from them. Then, he sees a glimpse of Calypso walking seductively towards him, smelling like the wind on the sea. She's naked, but he can't touch her. Because he's in hell!
Will: (responds to her snuggling) Damn, you're hot.
(there is a knock at the door)
Will: That's the lawyer.
Elizabeth: Let's pretend we're not home!
Will: But...the wills.
Elizabeth: Yes, you're right.
(Will answers the door. A bookish lawyer enters with a briefcase.)
Will: Hi, I'm Will. (shakes hand) This is Elizabeth. (she waves and smiles) I hope there's not a subpoena in there! (jokes, the lawyer doesn't laugh) Sit down.
(Hours later...Elizabeth and Will are trying to contain their boredom)
Lawyer: For a couple separated for so many years, such dangerous, volatile jobs you both have, on top of providing for a child...you're actually very secure financially.
Will: Don't let some of our friends know that. (Elizabeth laughs but the lawyer doesn't.)
Lawyer: There's just one final matter and it's what becomes of your son if something should happen to both of you at the same time. Will, you're mortal now and Elizabeth, with such a dangerous job...
Elizabeth: Oh well, (looks at Will) hmm. My parents are dead. Bootstrap?
Will: Flying Dutchman. He won't be available for a while.
Elizabeth: Yes. We could always change it back to him ten years from now. I suppose we should leave him with Jack.
Will: Uh, I'm not sure that's a great idea.
Elizabeth: Who would you leave him with, Barbossa?
Will: Surely there must be other people we know. I mean, you run a whole island and I've saved...what about James?
Elizabeth: James is an idea. But we don't hang out with him all that much anymore, and sailorleo's so wild.
Will: He would be hard to get in touch with.
Lawyer: This can wait if you need a while...
Will: No, I guess I'd rather have Jack be his guardian than Barbossa.
Elizabeth: Are you sure? (Will nods) Captain Jack Sparrow.
(Jack comes bursting in with a wild look)
Jack: Quick! Someone's going to come to the door and I need you to tell them I'm in Croatia. (runs up the stairs)
Junior's Voice: Uncle Jack!
Lawyer: Is that Captain Jack Sparrow?
Will: No. (nervous laugh) No. That's um...
Elizabeth: That's Will's crazy Uncle Jack Lark. Jack Sparrow is MUCH much more responsible and, what's the word, dear?
Will: Low key?
Elizabeth: Low key.
Lawyer: Wait, I think that is Jack Sparrow. I saw him on Oprah.
Elizabeth: Oh, everyone thinks they saw everyone on Oprah. Here, take a signed copy of Will's book.
Will: (showing him to the door) Just remember, we're good parents with clean cut friends. Drop in any time you're in the neighborhood! (closes door) (to Elizabeth) 3, 2, 1...
Will: Can we help you?
(Scarlett is at the door)
Scarlett: I thought I saw Jack Sparrow running down this block. He said he'd met someone and he wasn't going to see me anymore!
Will: That cad! I saw him. He ran down that way.
Scarlett: Thanks. (runs down the street)
Elizabeth: (turned on) Oh, Will, that was sneaky. (Will climbs over her on the couch and they start making out) Oh! Jack and Junior are upstairs.
Will: I'm willing to face the thrill of being caught.
(Jack and Junior have a bunch of legos out and are constructing a massive fort)
Junior: (takes his red power ranger and climbs over the lego wall) Roar! It's a gigantic kraken and I'm going to terrorize Fort Port Royal.
(Jack looks over his shoulder)
Junior: What's wrong, Uncle Jack?
Jack: I smell sex and candy. (looks at Junior) Hey, wow. We can make Star Wars ships take off from inside the fort. (Junior is happily distracted. Jack sighs in relief)
"Elizabeth: James is an idea. But we don't hang out with him all that much anymore, and sailorleo's so wild."
sailors gunna be happy:P
this is myn if i made one:
Okay, elizabeth leaves will, he's crying like a little baby, and jack and liz get married
lol... who's charlie sheen?
Jack is sitting on the couch, watching the disney channel with Will Junior. Elizabeth comes in.
Elizabeth: Did Hannah Montana finally reveal her crush on that guy?
Will Junior: No... but Jack finally realized her hair was a wig.
Jack: It looks so real!
Elizabeth: So Jack, do you and Katie have big plans for tonight?
Jack: (playing with one of his braids) We're in a fight.
Elizabeth: What? Why?
Jack: You wouldn't understand.
Elizabeth: Jack, you can tell me! Of course I'll understand.
Jack silently points at Will Junior and makes a face. Elizabeth takes the hint.
Elizabeth: Uh, Junior, I think I hear the ice-cream man.
Will Junior: Hooray! (runs outside.)
Elizabeth: So... what's up?
Jack: Well, we were fooling around last night,
Elizabeth: Not here, I hope...
Jack: No, at the movies.
Elizabeth: Right. Go on.
Jack: And she asked me where the relationship was going.
Jack: And, I told her I was having fun with her and it was refreshing to be with a woman who was independent and didn't need a man to define her.
Elizabeth: (groans) Jack! You NEVER say that to a woman!
Elizabeth: When a woman asks that question, you are supposed to say, "It's going forward, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met, I love the way our minds connect, I can't wait to see where this goes!"
Jack: Ahhh... flattery and deception.
Elizabeth: The key ingredients to romance.
Will: Am I interrupting something?
Jack: Come to think of it, Lizzie does look especially saucy in that apron.
Elizabeth: Jack! (to Will) He and Katie are in a fight.
Will: So, did you sleep with her and forget to call her, or attack her for drinking your rum?
Jack: She was upset that I dated your mom.
Will: (rolls his eyes) You have got to learn how to be in a serious relationship, Jack.
Jack: Mate, I'm captain Jack Sparrow. I just love my freedom more than women, that's all.
Elizabeth: Jack, you need to call her and fix things. Deal with this maturely.
Jack: Alright. I'll call her later.
(the doorbell rings)
Jack: Ah, she's here.
Jack: No. The jealousy factors.
Jack opens the door. The Olsen twins, Lindsey Lohan, and Scarlett Johanson are standing outside in skimpy clothing.
Jack: Make sure you call the paparazzi. I don't want anyone to miss this night.
Jack winks at them and walks out the door. Will and Liz look at each other.
Liz: Well, I would dump him.
Will: Maybe we can fix this. (picks up phone and dials) Hi, Brad? What are you doing later? Do you think you could get a couple friends-- say, George Clooney, Joaquin Phoenix, Matt Damon, and take Kate Beckinsale out for a wild night on the town? That would be great, thanks...
Ooh, I love this, Kate. Let's see where this goes.
(Will, Elizabeth, Junior, and Jack are walking around at the zoo.)
Jack: Thanks for inviting me. Always a pleasure goin' out with the Family Turner.
(Junior starts imitating the bears as they stop and watch them at their pavillion)
Will: Uh, Junior?
Junior: I'm a bear, Daddy!
Will: (screams) Oh my God! A bear! A bear! Run, Elizabeth! (she laughs as Will runs and Junior runs after him)
Elizabeth: Those were some provactive pictures of you in Us Magazine.
Jack: Meh, I've had kinkier.
(Will runs by with a magazine in his hand. He sprints past them as Junior chases after him. He throws the magazine to Elizabeth, who catches it)
Will: (breathless) Page 22. "Pirate Hero Pegs Paris Hilton Wannabes"
Jack: Did you hear that? Pirate hero. (looks proud of himself) Katie will be running back begging to be in the arms of a pirate hero.
Elizabeth: I used to think you were smart. (takes a picture of a bear standing straight up) Will! Let's head to the dolphin pavillion before their show starts.
(Will comes back carrying Junior on his back)
Will and Junior: I love the zoo! (look at each other) Nice.
(Elizabeth takes a picture of them)
Elizabeth: Oh it's fun to be a mom...to three boys.
(Sitting waiting for the dolphin show to start)
Junior: Where's Aunt Katie, Uncle Jack?
Jack: First of all, kid, she's not Aunt Katie. She's just a big-name celebrity who wants to have her cake and eat it too...and looks damn sexy when she eats it.
Will: Don't use that kind of language in front of Junior.
Elizabeth: I think he meant literally eat the cake.
(Suddenly Katie enters the dolphin pavillion with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon with her)
Elizabeth: (in a fake voice) Why, it's Katie Beckinsale! (they do that fake kissy thing rich women do) Famous actress and well-known daredevil. How have you been?
Katie: (in a fake voice) Why, it's Elizabeth Turner, Pirate King and well-known ship hijacker. It's been forever. Hi, Will. I'd like to introduce you to my friends George, Brad, and Matt. They've just completed a movie. Maybe you've heard of Ocean's 13.
Jack: Katie, two of those three a**holes are married and to be honest, your upturned nose might put off the one with the bags under his eyes.
George: (to Katie) Does he mean me?
Will: I was named Sexiest Undead Pirate last year.
Brad: That was you? (high-fives him) Wow, no flesh came off when we touched. You must be back to normal.
Matt: I was named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. (looks Will over) But I bet a lot of young teen girls will like you. Glad I have caps on my teeth for my dazzling smile.
Katie: Matt once considered cheating on his wife with me.
Junior: Cheating like on a test?
(Elizabeth covers his ears)
Elizabeth: Yes, well, you all will have to excuse Will and me. We promised Junior we would let him pet one of the dolphins.
Will: Uh, we just managed our finances, Elizabeth. I'm pretty sure it costs a lot of money to touch a dolphin here.
Elizabeth: (trying to whisper) We're pirates now, Will. We can negotiate. (to Katie) Well, it's been lovely running into you. Do stay. I hear this is the top dolphin show in town!
(they head further down, closer to the tank)
George: Do you like motorcycles?
Jack: Mate, I steal ships, make the prisoners memebers of me crew, sail to unknown territories, and pillage until I'm satisfied, often finding lots of rum and women along the way. Oh, and I saw you won an Oscar for Syriana. I've stolen two Oscars from top documentary film-makers and successfully captured the kids from The Blair Witch Project.
(George runs off crying)
Katie: Uh, Brad! Why don't you tell Jack about all your kids? He absolutely adores Will and Elizabeth's son Will Jr.
Brad: Ok. Well, I think only one of them is mine, but maybe two are. They're all from around the world.
Jack: Oh! Will Jr. was conceived on my friends' wedding day when they were about to be separated for 10 years. Half our fans think it's a love story for the ages and half think it's just God-awful, but either way, it gets a lot of talk.
(Brad walks away pissed. Katie's starting to get riled up)
Katie: You know, Jack. At least I don't date anorexic minors.
Jack: The Olsen twins, or (makes quotation signals) "the Olsens," as they now like to be called, are 21 now, and they drink their weight in fuzzy navels. At least I don't date guys with caps.
Katie: I'm handling this, Matt. (hands him a quarter) Here, go get yourself one of those shiny coin things with the alligator on them.
(Matt laughs and frolics away)
Katie: At least I don't date anyone who's been to rehab, or more appropriately, summer camp.
Jack: At least I don't date...you know, all I said was that I like your pluck.
(Katie stops, speechless)
Katie: Do you want to take me to see the penguins?
(Jack grins and they walk out together)
So things are looking up, Kate, but are they squared away? It's up to you.
HAHAHAHA that was brilliant.... sooooo funny. the olsens drink their weight in fuzzy navels. hahahahahaha. oh geee.....
Soooooo funny girls! Too many parts had me laughing to repost them here!
Will and Liz are in bed together. Will is wearing reading glasses and perusing "Captain's Quarterly", Elizabeth is reading "Raising your slightly-above-average child".
Elizabeth: Do you think Will Junior will have long term psychological problems associated with your 10 year absence?
Will: Hey, I wrote him letters, sent him presents...
Elizabeth: Undead pets?
Will: We did video conferencing at least once a year!
Elizabeth: I know you tried very hard. But there's something in a kid that needs his dad at that age. I just hope he isn't bitter about it later in life.
Will: Like I was?
Elizabeth: Well, I wasn't going to say it...
Will: Well, I may have been bitter, but I came out okay. Survived a curse, married my adolescent sweetheart, and have a wonderful son now.
Elizabeth: And, I guess Jack was there for him. Maybe I should be more worried about Jack than Will Junior. You coming back really changed his role in our family...
Will: I'm sure Jack is fine. Probably relishing the freedom.
CUT TO... Jack and Katie in bed together. Katie is dressed to kill in a slinky negligee. Jack seems preoccupied.
Jack: It's just hard. I know it's not my kid, but I feel such a strong sense of ownership. I mean, if it weren't for me, Lizzie and the kid wouldn't have survived 2 weeks without Will.
Katie: (yawning) I'm sure.
Jack: And now what am I supposed to do? Pick back up with my nomadic lifestyle like nothing ever happened?
Katie: I suppose.
Jack: Are you even listening?
Katie: I spent half an hour shaving my legs and curling my hair. I bought the skankiest nightie in Target. No, I'm not listening to your sappy story. I'm waiting for you to notice you've got a pretty hot lady in your bed, and now isn't the time for therapy.
Jack: Oh my gosh! I have serious problems! Here I have Kate Beckinsale in a skanky nightie in my bed, and I'm whining about family problems that aren't even mine...
Katie: (playing with his dredlocks) It's okay. I forgive you.
Jack: Hey... you know what might be fun? Let's go up on deck and play "chain each other to the mast"!
Katie: I've got a better idea. Why don't we take over the first ship that sails by and force them to play "truth or dare" with us!
Jack: Gibbs hates when we do that.
Katie: (groaning) We can't agree on anything!
Jack: Alright. We'll see who can drink the most rum without passing out, and whoever wins gets to decide what we do.
An hour later. Will and Liz are sleeping. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. They both sit up groggily.
Liz: Who could that be?
Will: I don't know.
Will grabs his sword and runs downstairs. He opens the door to find an extremely drunk Jack and Katie.
Jack: (slurring) William Turner... fancy that!
Katie: I thought we were going to see Barbossa...
Jack: (giggling) must have gotten lost...
Will: Jack, do you mind? It's 2 in the morning.
Jack: I remember you being more fun...
Liz comes down wearing a bathrobe.
Liz: Jack! Katie? What the hell are you two up to?
Jack: (grinning) No... that's the one I remember being more fun.
Katie: We're on a mission.
Will: I see. To fall off the dock and drown, I presume?
Jack: We're off to steal Barbossa's underwear... and freeze them!
Katie: Want to come along?
Will: Absolutely not! It's a school night. Will Junior has to be up at 7.
Jack: Righto. Forgot you two got boring. Night then!
Jack and Katie stumble away. Will shuts the door.
Will: I swear. That man. (yawns) Goodnight.
Liz: I'll be up in a minute.
Will wanders back upstairs. Elizabeth follows him to the stairs, then turns around and sneaks back out the door...
Sneaky, sneaky Lizzie
(Will searches the upstairs)
Will: Elizabeth? Elizabeth?
(remembers the conversation had earlier)
(he marches into the closet and gets out his prized posession, a paintball gun named Michelle. He goes into Junior's room)
Junior: Daddy? What's going on?
Will: Son, it's time we had a bonding moment frought with mischief.
Junior: Ooh! (jumps out of bed)
(they go to the window. Elizabeth, Jack, and Katie have a pair of boxers with the South Park kids on them. They're laughing about what they did)
Will: Okay, little Will. You get to hold Michelle. Grip her carefully, that's it.
(Junior's finger is dangerously close to the trigger)
Junior: Should I target Mommy first?
Will: (thinks) Yes, yes, target Mommy first.
(Back down on the street)
Elizabeth: I say, we tie these to a stick and march in a parade with it. I'll wave it around like a flag, Katie will play the drums, and Jack will play a fife and it will be like Independence Day...in late November!
Jack: No, no, no, I say, we send it to Ted and Terry and say in the return address that it's from Gore!
Katie: Let's roll them around in dog crap and light them on fire outside his house!
Jack: I am liking you more and more.
(Back at the Turner house)
Will: Ready, aim...
(Back on the street)
(Elizabeth is taken down in a slew of green paint)
Katie: Are you all right?
Jack: Lizzie, what happened?
Elizabeth: I, I don't know, but I'm all green!
(Will and Junior high-5 and start shooting at Jack)
Jack: (starts to lift Elizabeth) Okay, there's nothing Katie and I can't lift together. We'll...(gets hit) Ow! Ow! It hurts like something that really hurts!
Katie: (dramatically) NOOOOO! Jack! Dearest Jack! Speak to me! (bends over him and holds his head in her lap)
(Suddenly, Katie gets hit too and it knocks her down so she's laying next to Jack)
Jack: If you edge closer, our bodies making love out here would look like Swamp Thing.
Katie: Timing, dear, timing.
Elizabeth: Where is this stuff coming from?
Junior: Hi, Mommy!
Will: Shh! (covers Junior's mouth)
Will: (to Junior) Now, our story is going to be that Mommy had too much to drink, okay?
Elizabeth: Will? You have a paintball gun and didn't tell me?! (runs into the house. We can see them chasing each other throughout the house)
Katie: (to Jack) Has anyone ever told you you have weird friends?
Jack: I think the real issue is that you're laying on Barbossa's underwear.
Katie: Aaaauuuggghh! (jumps into Jack's arms) You know what we could do with it...
Jack: (getting turned on) Do tell.
Katie: (enjoying seducing him) We can hang onto it, in an air-tight container of course, and when Barbossa comes around looking for it, we can throw them in his own face.
hahahaha the swamp thing!!!!!! hahahaha oh gee that was great.
Lol to everything! I really am enjoying this... hehehe...
Where's everyone been? Surely, a lot has been going on since the "paintball incident."
(Will and Elizabeth are out at a fancy restaurant looking like they are dreading something. They are sitting next to each other in a booth, the one across from them empty)
Will: So...why again did you just call up James out of the blue?
Elizabeth: I know, it was stupid. We were just talking that we haven't seen him for a while and with Jack taking Katie out to Vermont for apple picking...which I think is code for something else...we needed a couple to hang out with.
Will: Elizabeth, we could have come here ourselves.
Elizabeth: No! No, we couldn't have. This is the most expensive restaurant in town and we need James to be here so you can do the "well I have to go to the bathroom" trick to get out of picking up the check. (pauses) You're right. Next time we go out, it will be just us and we'll go to the Olive Garden.
Will: Oh! The never ending pasta bowl is back!
(Just as they begin to chit chat, James and Sailor, dolled up in a very revealing outfit, saunter up)
James: Will! Elizabeth! It's been too long. You guys remember Sailor. (whispers to them) She's my groupie.
Sailor: This is a pleasure! I know all about your adventures and Will, I ordered your book off of amazon and the dvd is far above my expectations minus a commentary.
Will: There's no commentary on the dvd?
Elizabeth: Two whole discs and no commentary?
Sailor: That's what me and my friends have been discussing...when I'm not too busy with Jamiewigs here. (they Eskimo kiss)
Elizabeth: That so, Jamiewigs?
James: Ahem, (becoming very stiff and formal) Sailor, my dear, to whom are you addressing such a ridiculous pet name?
Sailor: Oh! Shhh, I'll play along.
James: Right...so, how is you two's son?
Will: Junior is doing fantastic! Smart as a whip, loves to play, well behaved.
Elizabeth: Now knows how to hotwire a car. We practised on Ted Elliot's Bentley.
Will: Plus the way he can wield Michelle tells us he's going to be quite the unstoppable force.
Sailor: He sounds so great! Oh, I can't wait till we have kids.
James: Hold on to that thought. (he leers at her when the waitress pops up. He's not looking at the waitress.) Oh, uh, scotch on the rocks my good man.
Tina: A good man wouldn't spit in your appetizer, sir.
James: (seeing it's a woman waiting on them) Oh! My apologies. I was lost in my lover's eyes.
Elizabeth: So, Sailor, I here you draw quite a bit. I saw some scans of your POTC4 characters. Very pretty.
Sailor: Oh thank you. It's a hobby that I hope will turn into more.
James: She's just so talented! (gushes praise)
(Will and Elizabeth give each other a "how soon will this be over look."
About an hour later,
James: And then, Sailor says to Barbossa, "Well, we have a ship for you too. We call it tiabossa." And guess who that's supposed to be?
Will: Let me guess: Tia and Barbossa?
James: Tia and Barbossa! (slaps his knee) She's a riot this one! (kisses her)
Elizabeth: (whispers to Will) We are never going out with a couple still in puppy love ever again.
Will: Here here.
Will: Here, here...is where I gave Junior the Heimlich Maneuver once.
Sailor: So where is Jack? A lot of girls I know were hoping I'd be able to get a picture with him.
Elizabeth: Jack is out of town for the weekend.
James: With Kate Beckinsale, I've heard. I'm sure an A-list celebrity like her will keep him out of trouble.
(Will and Elizabeth exchange another look)
James: Do you hang out with Jack much?
Will: Oh...(shakes head) No, not so much anymore. We're married and have our son to raise and we both work quite heavily...
Elizabeth: Not to mention the lawsuit's now over and we have Gibbs and Barbossa if Junior needs a sitter...(bites her lip nervously)
Sailor: You know who you guys would really like? Ariel and Eric. She used to be a mermaid. They're quite the power couple.
James: Delightful. She's so charming and he's quite the knowledgable sailor himself. We had tons to talk about.
Elizabeth: You'll have to introduce us sometime.
(Will sees the check is about to come)
Will: Well, I have to go drain the lizard. Excuse me, please.
(The waitress puts the check on the table)
James: Well, I guess I'll pick it up.
Elizabeth: (playing along) Oh no, you don't have to do that.
James: I insist. It's not every day Sailor and I get to meet up with old friends and catch up on old times. Sailor, my love, did you know Will and I once sword fought on a wheel?
Sailor: I've replayed that scene again and again and again.
Elizabeth: On the dvd?
Sailor: (gazing at James) And in my dreams.
Will: So, I guess it's about time for the check wouldn't you say?
Sailor: We're paying tonight, Will.
Will: Oh! How generous! It's so nice to get to see you again, James, and Sailor, you are a delight. (he and Elizabeth rise to leave)
James: (also rising and putting Sailor's coat on her) We were wondering, if it's not too late for you two, if you'd like to come to the club with us. Sailor has introduced me to the world of clubbing and it is so amazing.
Elizabeth: Well, it is a little late for us and, and...
Will: (blurts) Elizabeth and I spend our nights trying to make another baby.
Sailor (squeals) Oh! That's so exciting!!! I'll have to tell everyone!!! You'll have to come to the forum so we can give you a shower!
James: I hope it all works out. (kisses Elizabeth on the cheek and shakes Will's hand) Night!
(Will and Elizabeth walking one way)
Elizabeth: Were you serious?
Will: Well, it was just to get away, but the more I think about it... do you want to?
Elizabeth: (seeming eager) Do you want to?
Will: I'll drive us home quickly.
Elizabeth: Will. (waits for him to look at her) You don't have to take the car directly home, you know...
(Will gets what's she's saying and grins)
(James and Sailor walk another way)
James: Do you buy that they want another baby?
Sailor: I'm not sure. Besides, I know something you don't know.
James: What's that?
Sailor: They said they didn't hang out with Jack anymore, but did you see their husband/wife pins?
James: Oh, those little cheesy buttons they have pinned on that say, "My son is an Honors Pirate"?
Sailor: The fine print at the bottom says, "Happy Anniversary, Jack."
James: Those cads! They lie to our faces! And Jack gets them cheap buttons for their anniversary?
(Far off in a distant Vermont apple orchard)
Jack: (picking apples off a tree with Katie) Bugger.
Katie: What's wrong?
Jack: I got the sudden feeling I should have gotten Will and Lizzie more than those cheap buttons for their anniversary.
Katie: Is everything all right?
Jack: Everything's fine. Just got a sudden shiver.
And so the couples are in for the night...
Will and Liz
(Will is driving them home. Their hair is messy and some of their clothing is askew. They both look tired and satisfied)
Elizabeth: Sure beats dirty beach sex.
Will: Aw, you paid attention to that after-school special! I love you.
Elizabeth: I love you too. Will, how far out did you take us for that secluded spot?
Will: Oh um, (searches for road signs) I'm not sure...
Elizabeth: Poor Junior! He'll be expecting us and Gibbs wasn't planning on spending the night, I'm sure.
Will: He probably won't mind. Ah, it says welcome to Vermont. We could stay the night and drive back tomorrow.
Elizabeth: And in a week or two, I can be a First Response to see if we have another little pirate on the way!
(Jack and Katie burst through the door to their hotel room, still making out. The slam the door behind them and topple onto the bed. Things are getting really hot really fast.)
(James and Sailor coming back from a club)
Sailor: Who would have thought Vermont would have such an active night life?
James: (drunk) I know! I was just telling that to my good friend Shemp back there.
Sailor: The bouncer's name was Shemp?
James: I...I don't know. You're really cute.
Sailor: Okay, James. Let's get you settled for the night. We'll sleep it off.
James: (snorts) Ha, sleep.
(Back to Will and Liz)
Elizabeth: Discount Donna's Bed and Breakfast. What about there? Comes with room and board!
Will: I like board. Ok.
(they pull into the bed and breakfast)
(Cut to Katie and Jack, half-naked with Barry White playing)
Katie: This weekend is going so perfectly, Jack. Nothing refreshed the body and spirit more than apple picking. (undoing his pants)
Jack: (starts kissing her neck) Unless it's a horse and buggy ride tomorrow.
(Katie squeals and pounces on him. They kiss each other breathlessly as Jack starts sliding her top off)
(Cut to James and Sailor)
Sailor: Discount Donna's Bed and Breakfast. Comes with room and board.
James: (getting angry) I told you, I don't care what board is. It's room that would win in a fight. (trips over own feet)
Sailor: I know, sweetie, I know.
James: Sailor, you're so cool.
Sailor: Thanks, James. (to the clerk we're all going to presume is Donna) Two for the night please.
(Cut to Will and Elizabeth making their way upstairs to their room)
Will: Do you think she could tell we just had car sex?
Elizabeth: Well, I smell like pine and you smell like pine and the car smells like pine.
Will: I figured. Is there money in the checkbook to raid the mini bar?
Elizabeth: Ooh, maybe not raid, but remember I'm trying to get a bun in the oven.
Will: Ah. Oh! I hope it has one of those little refrigerators that opens with a key. Then we can splurge on Snickers. (sticks key in door)
Elizabeth: Are you sure this is our room?
(Inside, Katie and Jack are just about to get things going)
Katie: Is that knocking at our door?
Jack: Just ignore it.
Katie: Jack, Jack, someone's trying to break in!
Jack: (readies his pistol) Not on my watch.
(Outside their room)
Sailor: Will? Elizabeth?
Will: Sailor? James?
James: Doug? Carrie?
Sailor: That's The King of Queens, dear.
James: Oh! It's Will and Elizabeth! We should go to dinner sometime!
(Jack opens the door and points his gun out)
Jack: Will? Lizzie? Norrington? Stranger?
Sailor: It's Jack Sparrow!!!
Jack: Captain Jack Sparrow.
Katie: What are you guys doing here?
aargh, Tramps. I'm second again!
Originally posted by Sifzensinril
aargh, Tramps. I'm second again!
you should be second
Doug and Carrie. Classic. HAHAHAHA.
damn, u broke the fight:P
my bad. carry on.
A fight? I love Fights! Fists all around!:P
We last left all our couples staring at each other with confused faces.
Elizabeth: We, um, this was part of our night out. James, Sailor, we didn't tell you because...
Elizabeth: I think I'll leave something to the imagination.
Sailor: Oh! Well don't mind us. I was just taking James to Room 9 to sleep it off.
Jack: Ha, still a raging drunk.
(Everyone looks at him)
Will: Wait, this isn't room 5.
Jack: No, mate, it's room 7 and it looks like Katie and I are in a nerdy couple sandwich, so if you'll excuse us.
Katie: We should all do something together tomorrow. Who's up for brunch?
James: Did she just mention food? (turns green)
Sailor: No, baby, no. She wanted to know if we liked a good punch, like in the face. I said no.
James: That's my girl. (arm wavers all over the place before gathering her in)
Elizabeth: Yes, well, goodnight everyone. Will and I have to backtrack.
Jack: I like that position too!
Will: Goodnight, Jack.
Jack: Goodnight, Will.
Katie: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Goodnight, Katie.
James: Goodnight, Katie.
Katie: Goodnight, Sailor.
Sailor: Goodnight, Jack.
Jack: Goodnight, Lizzie.
Voice (from room across hall): Goodnight, John-Boy.
(Will and Elizabeth unlock their correct door and go in)
Will: Of all the bed and breakfasts in all the towns in all the world, we walk into theirs.
(strains of "As Time Goes By" plays through the walls)
Will: Are they blaring Casablanca music? (bangs on wall) Jack! Cut it out!
Elizabeth: Shh! I'm going to use this telephone thing to call Gibbs. He's probably worried. (picks up and speaks into receiver without dialing) Gibbs? Hello? I've seen this on tv, I should know how it works. G-I-B-B-S.
Operator: Who are you trying to reach, miss?
Elizabeth: Misses, thank you, and I'm trying to reach Joshamee Gibbs at (looks at camera, decides to whisper home address)
Elizabeth: Hello? Gibbs? Oh thank goodness I got in touch with you! We're in Vermont and will be back tomorrow evening. Do you mind staying the night with Junior? Oh, okay. Put him on. (tone changes) Hi, Will! Are you being good? (blushes) You're getting a little old for that. All right. (clears throat and sings) "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."
Will: I want to talk to him! (Elizabeth hands him the phone) Hey, you! No, Mum and I are fully clothed. Oh, you are too, well I guess that's good. (gives Elizabeth a puzzled look) All right, well sleep well and we'll see you soon. (hangs up)
CUT TO Jack and Katie's room.
Katie: Jack! Look what I found. (holds up the bed and breakfast's stationary) A much better anniversary gift than those buttons you were worried about earlier.
Jack: That does look rather dashing. (comes up behind her and takes her by the waist. They start to kiss. Fade to black)
CUT TO James and Sailor
Sailor: Strange running into them.
(James is passed out, spread eagle on the bed)
Sailor: Exactly what I was thinking. (curls up next to him and turns off the light)
All is calm, for now. Brunch may be a different story.
Oooh, I can't wait! Mwahahaha!
hehehe this is the best thing. it's like a pirates sit com. i love it.
muahaha...sif....still behind me
that was great
OMG so funny!! I can't wait til brunch!!
DISCLAIMER: I think Sailor would be more well-bred than she is in this skit. It's just for comic relief, Sailor. You know willo adores you.
(The sun is shining, the apples are ripening, and in the luxurious and spacious dining room of the bed and breakfast, things are about to go awry)
Jack: No self-respecting Sparrow wakes up before 10am to go brunching.
Katie: Is it brunching? Is that a word? I thought these were your friends.
Jack: They are, they are, but without me, they'd be married to commodores and single blacksmiths without any adventures of their own.
Katie: I'm sure they...sh, they're already here.
(Will and Elizabeth give them a fake wave)
Jack: It's not too late to say one of us has a headache and continue our little game...
Katie: As fun as "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sex" is, we did say we'd meet them. (sees Jack is disappointed) Aw, (scratches the back of his neck and caresses him) Don't worry. Hermione will be back for some "petrifying" once this is over. (Jack smiles)
Elizabeth: Good morning. We already got a table.
Katie: Oh hiiii! This is going to be sooo much fun. We hardly ever get a laid-back, restful meal in such a picturesque little dining room.
Jack: Katie, you're gushing.
Will: Here come James and Sailor. (laughs to himself) They came dressed to match.
Elizabeth: What do you mean?
Will: Her crimson sweater matches his bloodshot eyes.
(Sincere but awkward laughter)
Sailor: Hi, everybody! (snaps picture) The forum girls will love that shot!
James: Stop shouting! (sits and holds his head in his hands) Oh, I forgot. (clears throat and sounds like he's reciting) Will, Jack, this brunch will be on me since it was so nice of you to include us and we rarely spend any time together and since I will be saving my next two paychecks for a promise ring of sorts to the love of my life, I can spend this check freely.
Sailor: (faking surprise) My, how generous!
(Will and Jack naturally do not argue this)
Mrs. Butterbaum: Hello, young lovers. Welcome to Discount Donna's Delightful Dining Room of Brunch. Is everyone ready to order?
Will: Ah, yes. I'll have the seafood cakes. Gulf fish and lump crabmeat cakes grilled and served over a bourbon creamed corn sauce with marinated crab fingers...take that, Tia Dalma! Ha ha. I did what your psychotic Davy Jones never could...keep my sanity for ten years ferrying those souls to the afterlife! And when the crew began to get antsy, you know what I started? The bandanna system! Every time they did something good, they got a bandanna! You've never been able to sit comfortably after that, were you, you crab-infested b*tch!
Elizabeth: Uh, that's not what that sounded like. (sees Will wringing his hands together and laughing in triumph) Will?
Will: Oh. Sorry. I'm done.
Mrs. Butterbaum: Uh huh. How about you, beautiful?
Elizabeth/Katie/Sailor: I'll have the...
Mrs. Butterbaum: No, sorry. I meant the beauty who's with the bandanna guy.
Elizabeth: Just the veggie omelet, please. Something about the word shiitake just sounds sexy.
Mrs. Butterbaum: Wow, how about you two. You seem saner.
Katie: Eggs Benedict, please.
Mrs. Butterbaum: You know, you look just like Kate Beckinsale!
Katie: You don't know how often I hear that.
Mrs. Butterbaum: And for the exceptionally sexy pirate here?
Jack: Hee hee, she meant me. The housemade bread plate.
Mrs. Butterbaum: Anything to drink? Milk, mango juice, coffee?
Jack: Just bring me whatever strikes your fancy, dear. I'll drink anything as long as it's Irish. (winks)
Mrs. Butterbaum: (Squeals) Sure thing, handsome. Now, the perky girl.
Sailor: Toasted pecan pancakes! Toasted pecan pancakes! Toasted pecan pancakes!
Mrs. Butterbaum: (to James) You got a live wire there.
James: You have no idea. Corned beef and poached eggs, please.
(Mrs. Butterbaum leaves)
Sailor: So, (getting out her notepad) the girls will have to know: how did everyone spend their evening?
Elizabeth: Oh, it was an evening like no other, Sailor. After a riveting good read by the pirates Roberts and Bartholomew entitled, "Money in the Ground: Best Investment," I had a conversation with my maid about the pros and cons of marrying your boyfriend there. After which I saw my own butler get shot and had to fight for my life as I was taken to Barbossa through the town back when he had the Pearl- all while barefoot!
Sailor: I meant last evening.
Elizabeth: Yes, dear, I know. That's what's called a private life.
Elizabeth: I can't help it if she's annoying me.
(Sailor runs off crying)
Jack: Bad form, Lizzie.
Elizabeth: Ugh, fine. (gets up and follows Sailor to the lady's room)
Will: (trying to make things less awkward) So...mango juice.
Jack: You're failing miserably.
Will: Yes, I know.
Katie: Why don't after brunch we all just go our separate ways for a bit and then when we get back, we'll plan a movie night or something.
(Elizabeth and Sailor return, laughing and whispering to each other. They keep looking at Kate and laughing)
Katie: What are you two talking about?
Elizabeth and Sailor: Nothing!
James: You went into the lady's room feeling sad and now you came out of the lady's room happy? (Sailor nods) There can be only one explanation: the lady's room is enchanted. (draws sword) I'll start the expedition and the rest of you will follow, careful not to fall into the traps called stalls.
James: What? I'm hungover and anxious. Not a good combination. And why were you whispering about Katie?
Katie: (singing to herself) Right here at the table/little Katie can hear it all...
Sailor: It's how girls apologize to each other, James. Elizabeth came into apologize and say she was only taking out her mood swings on me, so we bonded by gossipping about the odd girl out. No offense, Katie. I loved you in "Underworld."
(Everyone is silent as their food is brought out)
Jack: I wonder who would have put such a thing into a young fangirl's head...Lizzie.
Elizabeth: Excuse me? I apologized and I wasn't mad at Sailor or Katie at all. (takes some of Will's food and puts it on her plate)
Sailor: Um, Elizabeth. You probably should have asked if Will was going to eat that.
Elizabeth: (points to the food on her plate) Were you going to eat that? (begins eating it)
Will: Elizabeth, maybe you should take it easy. You don't want to feel bloated from brunch.
Elizabeth: Are you calling me fat?
(Dead silence. Everyone freezes. Sailor snaps a picture)
Will: No, you're the opposite of fat. There's no fat on you at all.
Elizabeth: Oh, so now I'm anorexic. Is that it? Ever since we went on Oprah the press has been making fun of my weight and I expected my husband of all people to support me!
James: Will is very supportive. Why when he was still captain of the Dutchman, he hosted an AA meeting.
Jack: Commodore, shut up and enjoy the show. (is himself shocked but also amused by this very public tiff)
Elizabeth: So you can support your crew with your bandanna system but not me, the working mom who had to give the sex talk to her son herself! Do you know how awkward that is?
Will: You could have waited for me to do that...
Elizabeth: All I've done is wait for you!
Will: Elizabeth, what's gotten into you? Sit down. Enjoy our weekend.
Elizabeth: Stop being so dramatic, Will! (slaps her napkin back onto the table and runs off)
Katie: Did something happen between you two?
Will: No! We got along fine until now. (looks back to make sure she's gone, then takes his food back onto his plate)
James: This is really selling the promise ring, Sailor, just so you know.
Sailor: I can go talk to her...
Jack: If you want to keep that pretty head, I'd suggest staying where you are. You see, Sailor, this is a thing that happens to some women known as PMS- post motherhood syndrome.
Katie: You're an ass.
Jack: I know what I'm talking about. After a woman has her first kid, she's happy during the time that it's still cute and helpless, or for lack of a better word, stupid. Now, Will Junior is 10, hitting that age where he's still cute, but becoming more independent and ever since that night he pummelled his mother with a paintball gun...
Will: I knew you'd bring that up.
Jack: ...she's realized he will be able to function without her. Junior will be cute for a few years after this, but it will be an awkward "deer in the headlights" kind of cute.
James: (raises hand) Check please.
Jack: It's all true.
Katie: Jack, I would just blame your rants on your very "Irish" brunch, but since you've barely eaten any of it, I'm just going to attribute it to a spout of stupidity on your part.
Jack: You're talking to the man who sacked Nassau port without firing a shot, my dear. Captain Jack Sparrow does nothing stupid.
Will: Except get captured by cannibals.
Jack: What's that?
James: Or manages to get knocked out by a drunken blacksmith when he's not looking.
Sailor: Or, to reference a highly-debated subject I've discussed with my friends whom we call "sparrabethers," allowing himself to be kissed by a girl who just chained him to a mast.
Jack: (pulls out pistol) All right, who wants it?
Katie: (shoves pistol down) They aren't being mean, sweetheart. It's just that your scene is beginning to resemble post-motherhood syndrome. (snorts)
Will: I'm going to see where Elizabeth's gone. (gets up and leaves)
James: Oh, and upon seeing Davy Jones, instead of resolving the problem, just waves around a jar of dirt singing about how he has a jar of dirt.
Sailor: We're done.
James: Oh, guess I'll just have to write a book then.
(in the Turner's room)
Will: Elizabeth? You haven't been this moody since you sold your body to Sao Feng. Talk to me.
Elizabeth: (curls into him) Oh, Will. I feel just terrible. I felt so irritable and let everyone at the table feel it.
Will: (strokes her hair) That's all right. They're our friends. They'll understand.
Elizabeth: Understand what?
Will: Well, that this is your...lady's time.
Elizabeth: That's not it at all.
Will: Oh. Well I'm stumped then.
(Elizabeth whispers something into his ear.)
Cut back to the table
Sailor: So I like to draw in my spare time. I'd love to do portraits of everyone if you'd like.
Katie: That sounds fun. Jack and I may drop in.
Jack: Yes, that is if I don't start singing about dropping in. (glares at James)
Katie: I know what will make you feel better. (she gets out a silky sash and attaches it to his belt) Another effect for my handsome pirate captain.
Jack: (smiles) It offsets Mum's shrunken head just right. (kisses her)
(Will and Elizabeth return)
Elizabeth: Everyone, I have something to say.
Jack: If you got upset because of the cheap buttons I gave you for your anniversary, I'll make it up to you at the next one.
Elizabeth: No, Jack. I have an announcement to make.
(She opens her mouth, but screams are heard instead)
Mrs. Butterbaum: (screaming) Run for your lives! Pirates!
James: We know. They're celebrities now.
(a ship crashes into the side of the bed and breakfast. Barbossa steps out)
Barbossa: Anyone might'a told me 'bout the strong winds at Martha's Vineyard, blowin' me right up to land.
Jack: ha ha, he said "blow me."
Barbossa: So I'll be takin' all ye yuppies' prized possessions now. (he and a crew start pillaging)
Sailor: I guess we have to stop him.
Katie: Yes. Every once in a while, he goes over the deep end. (they run, drawing weapons)
(Elizabeth sighs to herself, then draws her own sword and follows)
Ooh, a few unanswered questions. Until next time!
"Check please" - that part had me *cracking up*!!!! Ooh, cliffie - update soon!
That was fantastic, as usual! Sooooo many funny lines... it's too great.
so is Lizzie preggers???
OMG these r sooo good!!
that were great...i know whats happening...doo dah...doo dah
Hahahaha... i just keep imagining how it would be filmed, the angles, the timing... i'm serious, this needs to be a sitcom.
they are great
(The situation has been handled and Barbossa sits in jail)
Elizabeth: Well, well, well, isn't this a familiar sight?
Barbossa: If you're referrin' to me, Mrs. Turner, then I suggest you take time out to think about who's been in jail before, hmm?
Elizabeth: Listen, you, I'm very upset with you right now. That ship belongs to me since I'm the pirate king and I had to pay a sh*t-ton to Discount Donna for replacing the front of her dining room.
Barbossa: It was a little too classy for the likes of ye anyway. Come to think of it, that's why I chose to plunder it, the classiness.
Elizabeth: I have half a mind to leave you in there.
Barbossa: Really? What would dear Will Junior have to say about that?
Elizabeth: (goes closer to the bars) Barbossa, you're the least of my worries right now. (whispers) I'm pregnant again.
Barbossa: (astonished) Well that's great! A whole passel of pirates for me to mentor. To tell ye the truth, I miss the days when Junior was little enough he had to be carried everywhere.
Elizabeth: I do too, and I'm excited, but I have a problem.
Barbossa: Will not know?
Elizabeth: No, Will knows.
CUT TO...The Turner house
(Will is in nothing but a pair of briefs and a white dress shirt with sunglasses on, air-guitaring to "Old Time Rock and Roll." There is a half-empty bottle of champagne nearby.)
CUT TO Elizabeth and Barbossa
Elizabeth: It's Jack.
Barbossa: Now, look. I kept my nose out of whatever you two did when Will was gone...
Elizabeth: How dare you insinuate such a thing! Jack is a most loyal friend.
Barbossa: Yes, a friend you can't share your good news with but you can share with a jailbird. (sits back and rests his arms behind his head) Good times, these.
Elizabeth: No, it's...he took it very hard when I told him I was pregnant with Junior. When Will came back, I know he felt left out since we depended on him so much, so I don't know what news of this other baby will do.
Barbossa: I'll tell him.
Elizabeth: No! You couldn't be tactful if you tried.
Barbossa: "Mrs. Turner, over the years I have noticed that your lovely brunette waves that made undead men long to run their fingers through it, has become a dull, straw-colored mound attached to your scalp."
Elizabeth: One more comment on my hair and....
Barbossa: All right. Bail me out, O Pirate King, and I'll help you out.
CUT TO...The Turner house
Junior: Mommy! Tell me all about Vermont!
Elizabeth: What do you really want to know?
Junior: Well, mostly about the part with Uncle Hector crashing a ship into the building, but how did you leave without being pregnant and come back pregnant?
Elizabeth: Thanks for clearing up any loose ends I may have missed, Will.
Will: Junior, we talked about how that happened, remember?
(Junior flashes back)
Flashback Will: (sitting on Junior's bed) So, when a woman says she's late that means...?
Flashback Junior: That her menstrual cycle is late! Hooray!
Flashback Will: Now, who wants to get into his underwear and dress shirt and shades and air-guitar with Daddy?
Flashback Junior: Me!
Elizabeth: So that explains why you're both in your underwear.
Junior: It's what manly men do, Mommy. You wouldn't understand.
Will: I'm so glad I'm here for you this pregnancy! I'll do whatever you want, Elizabeth: rub your back, go out and get you Chinese food, clean up after you if you make a mess on the floor...
Elizabeth: I'm not a puppy, Will.
Will: (jumps up and down and hugs her) No, you're just pregnant!
Junior: Late for her menstrual cycle!
Barbossa: That's my cue to leave.
Elizabeth: Will, you haven't told anyone yet, have you?
Will: No, just Dad.
Elizabeth: How did you get ahold of your father?
Will: I'll show you what I installed while you were bailing out Barbossa.
(takes her into their study they share)
Will: Dad-link on.
Elizabeth: You watched Richie Rich one too many times, haven't you?
Will: This is awesome. (to machine) Locate Dad.
(Bootstrap appears on a screen. There is a roaring party behind him)
Bootstrap: Hey, you kids! We're throwing a little shindig on the Dutchman due to Elizabeth's condition. Hi, Elizabeth!
Elizabeth: Hi, Bill.
(Machine goes off)
Will: You aren't mad I said anything, are you?
Elizabeth: I'm just worried about how Jack will take it.
Will: (suddenly bitter) Oh. He has a girlfriend now, Elizabeth. He'll just be happy to have another kid to play with.
Junior: He likes playing with me!
Will: Of course he does. I'm just saying he'll be excited and not upset to hear you're going to have a brother or sister.
Junior: Oh. (runs off, not upset anymore)
Will: Elizabeth, we obviously can't take back the baby situation, so you can't be afraid to tell him.
Elizabeth: I know. Old habits die hard, I guess. I was a whole two months in before I told Jack last time.
Will: I...what's that sound? Do you hear talking?
(They both seem curious. They go back into the living room. Junior has grabbed the phone)
Junior: ...that's right, Uncle Jack. Mommy and Daddy went to Vermont, and, well, the details are hard to describe, but she's definitely having another baby.
Junior: Wow! Her menstrual cycle may be late but she's not! I'll talk to you later, Uncle Jack. (hangs up and smiles sweetly at his parents) Yes?
Will: How did you get my cell phone?
Junior: I don't know.
Will: Junior, your mother and I wanted to tell Jack about the baby.
Junior: Now I couldn't have known that, could I?
Elizabeth: Why don't you go upstairs? We'll talk about this later.
(Junior does the angry-kid-stomp up the stairs)
Elizabeth: To think he might have damaged your Prague cell phone.
Will: That's not why you're upset.
Barbossa: (comes out of their kitchen with a carton of orange juice and some bagels) I heard the kid but didn't feel like stopping him?
Will: What are you doing with all of that?
Elizabeth: That's our food.
Barbossa: Oh, well, this is awkward. I was just hungry and wanted dinner with the show I'm about to get.
Barbossa: Jack will be running over him as fast as that stupid way he runs can get him here and I also took the liberty to call James and Sailor. They'll be stopping by with what they described as "a one-of-a-kind gift." (sips his orange juice) Mmm, tangy.
More to come later!
*loud bursts of laughter* Oh my word... WIll and Junior air-guitaring in dress shirts and underwear? A dad link?!? This out of control!!!! In a good way, of course!!!
when this came up
"Will is in nothing but a pair of briefs and a white dress shirt with sunglasses on"
i thought it was gonna be "everybody dance now" or "i like short shorts" lmao
A very special episode of "POTC: Continued." This is what critics and TV historians would call the "jumping the shark" moment, that is, if the pregnancy itself wasn't a shark jump. Damn you, Fonzie!
Elizabeth: Gifts? Already? Barbossa, how could you? I should have kept you in that cell. Will, say something!
Will: Hey, my boys can swim. That's all I care about. (tossles Junior's hair)
CUT TO, the street the Turners live on.
(Jack is doing his crazy lizard run over to their house. )
CUT TO...the Turner house
Will: Elizabeth, just calm down. (realizes he just tossled Junior's hair) We told you to go upstairs.
Junior: I thought it was an empty threat.
(Will and Elizabeth glare at him)
Junior: Awww (goes back upstairs)
CUT TO...the street
(Jack is still doing the lizard run, dodging other people walking and a loose dog. The music from Ferris Bueller's Day Off begins playing as he runs through an entire house.)
Jack: Smells good. (to the people on the patio) Dinner's ready! (continues running)
Cut to...Will and Elizabeth's house.
Will: Who cares how Jack feels about it? He's still going to be our friend, and if he's not, then we'll just change Junior's guardianship.
(Jack bursts through the door)
Jack: Is it true?
Elizabeth: Jack, we didn't mean for Junior to be the one to tell you. He just got so excited.
Jack: Hmph. Ten years of watching over your kid and that's the thanks I get? Hearing the biggest news since Barbossa had to go to traffic school from a kid?
Barbossa: Hey! I passed that class, thank you. (to himself) Cheaters DO prosper.
Will: We didn't know he was going to be so anxious to tell you. We wanted to make it special and tell all our friends ourselves.
Jack: And where was ol' Jack in all this? Sitting in the back at another ridiculous dinner party where some hooligan makes everyone think he's my brother? At some bed and breakfast having a private weekend with me girl when it's suddenly crashed? I would think I was a little higher on the friendship ladder than the rest of your sparse, yuppie friends.
Will: Yuppies? (getting angry)
Elizabeth: (near tears) Please, Jack. You mean the world to us! We named you Junior's guardian if something should happen to the both of us.
Jack: Going to name this next one mine in the rare event both of you do something incredibly stupid? Well, that's not too rare considering how Captain Jack Sparrow has bailed you both out of jams before. (stomps out the door. He suddenly comes back in) And no more anniversary buttons! (storms back out)
(Elizabeth starts crying)
Elizabeth: (dries her eyes) I'm going to go plan a plundering spree for the pirates. If you need me, I'll be at the brethren court. (lifts the head of a bust of Shakespeare off. A panel that was the wall slides back and reveals a firefighter's pole with the appropriate label "Elizabeth." Elizabeth slides down it to where we can only guess will be the brethren court's meeting room)
Will: (thinks and has a murderous look in his eye) Barbossa, watch Junior. (leaves)
Barbossa: (unfolds their paper and starts reading it) The things I do for these kids...
CUT TO...the street.
(Jack is walking off, Will following him)
Will: All right, Jack. We've known each other for over 10 years and we're finally going to have it out.
Jack: Oh! I'm shaking in my sexy pirate boots! Where's your sword?
Will: No swords. (puts up his fists)
Jack: (laughs) I'm going to kick your ass.
Will: Elizabeth said you took her first pregnancy really hard and you've practically drove her to tears with this one...
Will: And if I wasn't gone these past 10 years, I would have beaten up the man in love with my wife...
Jack: Wait, what?
(It's too late, Will has punched him square in the face. Jack falls over)
Will: (doing a boxer's bounce) I knew watching Million Dollar Baby was worth it. Get up. That felt good. I want to do it again.
Jack: What the hell's wrong with you? (takes a swing and punches Will. Will goes down) Bet that didn't happen in Million Dollar Baby.
Will: (shakes it off and gets up) I could do this all day.
Jack: You've got nothing to worry about with your wife, Turner! Yeah, I was in love with Lizzie. Was! Since comparing your brain to the size of a pea would be a compliment at this point, I'll compare it to the size of the little flakes in Quaker oatmeal. Yeah! What do you think of that?
Will: Jack, stop rambling! How can I even trust you? How do I know you don't still love Elizabeth?
Jack: (shouting) Because I love Katie!
(Dead silence. Jack is humiliated by so openly revealing his emotions)
Jack: William, (searches his pockets for some alcohol) Do you want to go for a drink?
Will: Are you in the mood to drink?
Jack: I only drink when I'm really happy...or really sad...or really angry...or scared...or...what were we talking about?
Jack: Oh. You want to get a drink?
Will: Yeah. So, um, have you said anything to Katie?
Jack: (shaking it all off) What? Oh. No, mate. Captain Jack Sparrow does not speak such syrupy drivel. (puts arm around him as they walk off into the distance)
Will: Jack, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
(Strains of As Time Goes By start playing)
Will: Why does that song keep following me?
Whew! Finally, all the unresolved feelings between Jack and Will are let out. So, we have a lot going on. Keep your name/sex suggestions coming!
Ah, hoorah! that was insanely fantastic. I love Barbossa... "The things I do for these kids"... and Jack, "I'm shaking in my sexy pirate boots"... hahahahaha i LOVE it!
i loved it willo
I love it!!
What Prague cell phone? I have still mine, Will didn't steal it
"Smells good. (to the people on the patio) Dinner's ready! (continues running)" OMG sooo funny!!!
That's from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, potcfan. I couldn't remember the whole sequence to write it out, but that's not my joke. Just making sure the fat cats of 80s entertainment don't track me down.
Ah, pregnant Elizabeth.
(James and Sailor have stopped by with an enormous package)
Will: Wow. That's an enormous package, James.
Sailor: He does have an enormous package, doesn't he? (pinches his butt)
James: (trying not to be into it) Sailor...(yes, he is into it)...later. Yes, Will. Elizabeth, I myself was the second child in a family of two. Those were the days. Jacob was my older brother, a kind child in his own right, but one doesn't tend to think so when he, meaning I, got all his hand-me-downs. His clothes, his toys, his crib, his cloth diapers...
(Will and Elizabeth share a disgusted look)
James: Do you have any idea what it's like to show up to naval training wearing your brother's wig? No, nobody does, except me. The whole first year of my training consisted of, "How's it hanging, Jacob?" and I'd have to say, "It's James." (sighs. Sailor pats his hand)
Elizabeth: May I open it now?
James: Oh! Sure.
Elizabeth: (opening the large package) Why, it's a gorgeous crib! (peers in) and every single season of The Simpsons on dvd.
Will: Whow! The Simpsons. You know, I only saw the one where Mr. Burns got shot. Don't tell me who did it, but my guess is that it was Apu.
(Everyone looks at the floor)
Elizabeth: Thank you, James. (hugs him) And you, Sailor. (hugs her)
(Sailor snaps a picture. Elizabeth glares at her. Sailor then hands it to her)
Sailor: Uh.....for your baby book!
Elizabeth: This is such a generous gift. And it's white. We can decorate the nursery any way we want.
Will: You mean I will decorate the nursery any way we want. I plan on being actively involved here, Elizabeth. You did so much the last time you were pregnant. Now, all you have to do is go to work and pop the kid out. (makes a pop sound effect and dramatically hugs Elizabeth's pregnancy area)
(Barbossa comes down the stairs)
Elizabeth: What are you still doing here?
Barbossa: I took a bath.
Will: A bath?
(Flashback to Barbossa covered in bubblebath. He's playing with several toy ships.)
FLASHBACK BARBOSSA: (making Ship 1 talk) So, you think you can take my NEW ship, Commodore Barbossa? (making Ship 2 talk) Damn skippy, Jack. I'll take this ship from you just like I took the Pearl. (makes the ships battle)
(Flashback is over)
Will: We'll just take this crib up to the guest bedroom. We decided all our guests just pass out on the couch down here, so there's no point in a guest bedroom. It'll be perfect for a nursery.
(He and James try to take it up the stairs. It's a bit bulky)
Sailor: Maybe you should take it apart and assemble it when you get up there.
James: I think we know how to wield a crib, Sailor. (the crib crashes back down to the floor. Fortunately it is in one piece. James and Will stare at it stupidly)
James: I, uh, have decided, uh, we shall disassemble it and put it back together upstairs.
Barbossa: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(Jack walks in, arm around Kate. They look at the crib at the bottom of the stairs. They look up at Will and James who are still staring blankly down at it)
Jack: So, a crib.
Katie: (looks down at their much smaller gift) Well, we can't stay. We're just on our way out...to get a more expensive gift.
Elizabeth: No, no! Come in. I'm so glad you showed up and everything's fine. (takes gift) You didn't have to bring anything. I mean, I have a whole brethren court to order to give me a baby shower.
Katie: It's not a crib or anything.
Jack: Well, it could be if you just add water. (laughs at his own joke)
(Elizabeth opens it to see a chubby stuffed penguin chick looking up at her with a sweet smile)
Elizabeth: (squealing) Oh it's soooo cute! (hugs them and then starts doing baby talk to the penguin) Aren't you cute? Aren't you? Aren't you?
Jack: This brings back memories.
Katie: She baby-talked to penguins a lot?
Jack: Not just penguins. She baby-talked puppies, houseplants, her shoes, Barbossa.
Barbossa: (mocking Elizabeth) Who's a sweet witty bitty Barbossa? You are! You are! (rolls eyes) I guess it was only a matter of time before those days were back.
Jack: We were going to take Junior to get some ice cream.
James: Actually, we could use a hand with this crib. I've never exactly disassembled one of these. (gets out a sledge hammer, looks at it, looks back at the crib, looks back at the sledge hammer)
Katie: If you put the sledge hammer down, you will have an extra hand. Junior!
Junior: Hi, guys!
Jack: How's some ice cream sound? (to Katie) Best make sure he doesn't feel jealous of the new baby.
Junior: Sure. (comes up with a plan) Although, ice cream alone won't take out the void of not being Mum and Dad's only child anymore.
Katie: Aw, well, we'll go to the park afterwards then, ok? (takes his hand) We're off!
Will: (looking at instructions for crib) "You will need a Phllip's Head Screwdriver."
James: Will, it's pronounced, "Philippe's Head."
(Sailor and Elizabeth look worried)
Next time: Elizabeth starts her project of making a video tape for the baby.
James: Will, it's pronounced, "Philippe's Head." - ROFL!
Great job, Willo!
great job, flashback Barbossa is the best
LMAO... you are a geniuos...
(Elizabeth sets up a camera on a tripod and takes a seat on her bed)
Elizabeth: Ahem, hi! I'm your mother. My name's Elizabeth. I thought maybe someday you'd like to see me young and beautiful before time and the stress of child-rearing and a tasking job withered me. (pause) We are sooo excited about your coming here. (holds up a Winnie the Pooh book) This is going to be your first book. It's filled with wonderful stories. Fortunately, none of them involve a freckle-faced girl with an American accent who turns into a pirate king with smooth skin and a British accent.
Will: Hello. (waves) Will Turner, retired ship captain. Oops. Sorry. Habit. My side job is that I do after-school specials for POTC fans to enlighten their existence. I wrote a book and have been catching up with your brother, Will Jr. I look forward to meeting you-- even doing the diaper changes and vomit. I didn't get to do any of that when your brother was born, so I look forward to hearing your first words, your first steps. I even built this crib. (points to the crib)
Elizabeth: ...And then when Daddy was done building it, we hired a guy to put it back together.
Will: ...So Mommy and Daddy are excited about your being here. We'll continue these video diaries later. (turns tape off)
(tape comes back on)
Bootstrap: (feeding in from the Flying Dutchman) Hi! This is Grandpa Turner, or Grandpa Bill, whichever. It doesn't matter since I'll be your only grandpa. Oh my gosh! I can't believe I said that out loud! I'm so sorry, Elizabeth! See, the first time I met your mom, I wasn't all there. I was becoming a coral reef and what-not. But now I'm just a humble immortal ship captain, anxious to see you when you all come visit again. Be sure to use the dad-link. (tape goes off)
(tape comes on)
Gibbs: (takes a seat in the rocker in the nursery) Hello, little Turner. I thought I'd tell you a little bit about myself. Name's Joshamee Gibbs, and when I knew your mom, I was a pseudo-respectable man with some kind of ties with the royal navy. How involved I was is a small plot hole in the course of my life...but the important thing is I no longer have that little Donald Duck hat. It was a few years later when I met your dad. That was a magical night, spiced rum and a beautiful pig that I lathered up in mud myself and was awakened by a cleansing shower your father surprised on me, with Jack along too! (thinks) Wow, that sounded...just awful. Let's give you a tour of the house! (picks up the camera)
(footage of Gibbs walking through the Turner house)
Gibbs: This is the living room. This is where you'll probably be rolling around on a blanket playing with Junior when someone will come in drunk and pass out on this couch here. See, our little gang sort of sees your parents as the mum and dad, and we come here to cool down...
(Barbossa runs in, breathless)
Barbossa: Where's Will or Elizabeth? I need someone to take the fall!
Voice outside: Oh my God! Who keyed my car!
(Gibbs heads into the kitchen)
Gibbs: That's enough of that. Here's Junior sitting, enjoying some milk and cookies. What'cha eatin' there, Junior?
Junior: Milk and cookies.
Gibbs: I mean what kind?
Junior: (picks up cup) White and (picks up cookie) slightly brown. (eats it)
(Gibbs goes up the stairs)
Gibbs: You don't know it, but your parents are converting their guest bedroom into your nursery. Your mum didn't live here when your brother was born, but when the time came for your dad to be gettin' back, she bought this new house. Of course, that couch will still supply all their overnight guests with a place to crash, I mean, sleep off their hangover, I mean, sit back with some popcorn and watch tv.
(starts to open the door to the bedroom)
Jack's voice: I don't know why you're making a big deal of this now.
Katie's voice: Jack, we've been dating for a while, and I love staying here, but this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Gibbs: (whispering to himself) I should go. (stays put)
Katie's voice: Look, the movie business is fine and all and I'm successful, but a television pilot is huge news!
Jack's voice: Oh yes, the outrageously talented Ms. Kate Beckinsale in a revival of The Wonder Years. Let me guess what they'll have you do: upon entering said set, you'll be handed a script and be left to stand in the corner, not sit, and say things about how the teenage version of you learned a valuable lesson that day.
Katie's voice: It's going to teach life lessons to young people! It's a steady career in a great town. (pauses) But, I'm happy making movies too. Jack, I don't mind staying here if there's a reason to.
Gibbs: (whispering to himself) That's quite a hint.
Jack's voice: If you need a reason from me, then there's no reason to be reasoning out a reason to stay or go...unless you're just fishing for a reason to hear what I'll say, which is poor reasoning indeed.
Gibbs: (whispering to himself) Oh, I bet she's fuming.
Katie's voice: (very slow, building frustration) Jack. I have to know there's a future for us. I've loved the pace we've been taking things. I love spending time with you. I, I love you. But I have to know how serious you want this to be.
Jack's voice: Best not be waiting on me then.
(there is a long, suspenseful pause. Suddenly the door flies open, hitting Gibbs in the face. Katie has run out crying)
Gibbs: (collecting himself, one hand on his nose) Okay, well, I'm going to just go downstairs and pass the camera off to someone else.
(camera goes down the stairs. James has come over)
James: Hey! A camera! Hi, Mom!
Will: (on the couch) Why does everything happen at our house?
Elizabeth: What were you doing upstairs, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Uh, showing the baby around. How ya feelin, Mum?
Elizabeth: I have a check up next week. I'm so excited! (points to just below her gut for the camera) This is you! Doesn't it make you feel like you're in two places at once? (laughs)
(Katie has come down the stairs, wiping her tears)
Elizabeth: Katie! I forgot you had stopped by. I'm sorry!
Katie: Oh, that's all right.
Will: We're making a video for the baby. Introduce yourself!
Katie: (reluctant) Uh...hi, baby. This is Katie. (Junior runs to her and hugs her) I haven't known your family as long as everybody else, but they've obviously gotten to be good friends. Oh! (reacts to the fact Junior has pinched her behind) Very good friends.
(Junior sits on the couch where Will smacks him upside the head)
Katie: Look, I need to run off. Liz, perhaps we could hang out this afternoon?
Elizabeth: Yay, girl time! (claps her hands)
Will: Pregnancy makes her excited about everything.
Elizabeth: And the fact that there is finally another girl around! (claps her hands again) Oh, Katie, staying with you has been the best decision Jack's ever made.
Katie: (fighting back tears) Okay, time for me to head out. (leaves)
(Gibbs still has the camera. Find this awkward. He finds Barbossa who has been sitting in the corner)
Barbossa: You even know how to work one of those?
Elizabeth: I'll take that. (takes camera from Gibbs and turns it to herself) That's just about everyone, sweetheart. Jack's probably just gathering his things. He calls them his "effects." Jack adores Junior and he's really looking forward to spending time with you.
(Jack comes down the stairs looking pissed. He has a bottle with him)
Elizabeth: Say hi to the baby, Jack!
Jack: Point that thing in front of me now, love, and the baby's going to get its first spout of salty language.
Elizabeth: (to the camera) Ha ha ha! That's just grape juice in the bottle, little one! (sees Jack has left) Whew! I think that's enough for today.
Barbossa's voice: (calling from the corner) You guys going to cook up anything for dinner or what?
Elizabeth: Sigh. So you can see what my life has been. But your dad is here and all these people are really great friends of ours and will love you very much. We'll see you soon!
(tape goes off)
Dun dun dun!
LOL! Loved it!
OMG!! LMAO!! Tht was the best one yet!!
lol "white and uh...slightly brown" lmao
hahaha i can totally picture that... chaos at the Turner's... LOL.
Any requests for future plots? I've left a few things hanging, but I do take requests.
Hm...for some reason, I'd love to see the gang at Best Buy or some other electronic store - I just get this vision of Barbossa and Jack running around like five year olds playing all the demo games on the merchandise
Haha that would be so great.
So it's guy's night. Will is driving and Jack is riding shotgun. Gibbs, James, and Barbossa are cramped in the back. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is blaring, just like Wayne's World.
James: Does anyone else think the Wayne's World cast just butchered this song?
(Everyone looks at him)
Will: I don't hear any suggestions where to go.
Gibbs: Because I still don't know why I have to sit in the back all the time.
Jack: Because, Mr. Gibbs, when you have a ship of your own, as William and I have, you may sit in the front.
Gibbs: Better back here anyway.
Will: So....where are we going, gentlemen?
Barbossa: I have an idea, but it's a little embarassing.
James: No one's taking you to the sperm donor.
Barbossa: No, no, ass. I have to do some last minute Christmas shopping.
Will: All right. I see a Best Buy coming up. I'll park...as soon as you tell me which one you would rather date: Ted or Terry.
Barbossa: Dammit all! (thinks) Terry.
(They park and go inside. Everyone browses. Barbossa and Jack drift to the demo games)
Jack: If it's me you're buying for, I'll take one of these wiis.
(They say nothing. Jack seems to be playing wii tennis. Barbossa is playing Lego Star Wars)
(Will has picked up Hellboy for Junior. He eyes a state-of-the-art laptop.)
Gibbs: (has an actual cart) What are you looking at?
Will: I was just thinking...you're the first person I've ever seen in a Best Buy with a cart.
Gibbs: Well, Jack entrusted buying presents for the crew of the Pearl to me, so I have these here dvds. Do you think most people like Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson?
Will: Couldn't tell you. Where is everyone? I want someone's opinion on whether I should get this laptop.
Gibbs: I'm here, and it is very nice.
Will: Yeah, thanks. (keeps searching) I'm going to see where Jack is.
Gibbs: Bah! Someday I'll be the Fonzie of the group.
(Will spots Barbossa and Jack, getting really into their games)
Jack: (swings his "racket" and misses the ball) Bugger! I hate that Agassi!
Will: Aren't you both supposed to be shopping?
Barbossa: Cover story, my boy. Can't let people know who I'm here for.
Will: Yeah....Jack, (prying) have you gotten something for Katie yet?
(Jack ignores the question and jumps up in the air, dodging a "ball" that he didn't have time to hit back)
(Will comes between him and the screen)
Jack: That ball's going to hurt if you stay there.
Will: You've been acting weird lately. What's wrong?
Jack: (swaying to see the screen) I told you, Will. I'm not trying to steal Lizzie out from under you. Bugger! (points threateningly at the screen) You're gonna die, Agassi!
Barbossa: Hee hee, now it's time. (sneaks off and grabs a strategy guide for Junior for Kingdom Hearts and a cd of At Worlds End: the Soundtrack.
Will: Jack, you bring her over to our house all the time, we have a right to know if something's wrong.
James: Look what I found! (has a portable keyboard. He plays "He's a Pirate" on it) I might get this for Junior.
James: Did you know, Will, that Baby Mozart promotes musical appreciation and ability in youngsters while still in the womb? I think I'll pick some up for the baby.
Will: Great, James. Whatever. (back to Jack) You look miserable, and that's not just because you're sober.
Jack: Not for long, mate. I saw a Hooters across the street.
Will: Jack, did you have a fight with Katie?
Jack: (does his gay-ish walk away) Oh look, Ashley Tisdale. Wonder if anyone's going to buy that. (picks up her cd and hides it behind a bunch of Red Hot Chili Peppers cds)
Barbossa: (comes up to them with some bags) Well, I've already paid. Let's go.
James: You already paid?
(James runs to get in line, pushing some people out of his way)
Gibbs: I've paid too. Oh, and Will, the cart got put away, so I can carry all these bags by hand.
Will: Guys, Jack's bummed.
(They all come running, looking concerned)
Jack: Drop this, Will. Now.
Will: I think he's lost that lovin' feeling.
James: I'm inclined to agree.
Jack: (breaking) No, don't do that lovin' feeling!
Will/James: (singing) You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.
(Barbossa does a dramatic spin as he joins in)
Barbossa: And there's no tenderness like before in your
Will/James/Barbossa: You're tryin' hard not to show it
Gibbs: (surprisingly a bass) Baby
All: But baby, baby, I know it.
(they start doing a little dance move complete with snapping fingers)
All: You've lost that lovin' feeling, whoa that lovin' feeling. You've lost that lovin' feeling now it's gone, gone, gone. Whoa.
Jack: (smiles) All right. That cheered me up.
(they all pay for their items and walk out)
Jack: You know what would really make me feel better...
Barbossa: Being better than me?
Gibbs: A new hat?
Jack: No. A pimp walk.
(the guys start strutting and walking slowly, trying to look sexy. A cold wind blows their hair slightly.)
Will: (breaks the hotness spell) Oh, I need to unlock the car.
(They pile in)
James: Where to now, Will?
Will: (looks pityingly at Jack) We're going to Hooters, gentlemen. I just bought my wife a laptop to go with her other presents. I can have a few drinks.
Next up: the guys at Hooters learn what's eating Jack. Also, see what the girls are doing.
That was AWESOME!
HAHAHAHAHA that loving feeling... that was awesome...
LMAO!! hahaha I can so picture the "sexy walk" can't wait for the next one!!! (should I be afriad of wat they might do?)
omg yes! HAHA! can't wait for the next installment!!!!
wat about meet the teacher night at junior's school?
Oooh, ooh - that would be awesome. I can just see the gang trying to host a PTA meeting or something like that
Same night: the Turner house
Elizabeth: It was so nice of you girls to throw me a happy pregnancy party. (Katie and Sailor are with her) I'm surrounded by guys all the time. It's time for a girl's night.
Sailor: I hope you don't mind, but I invited a few people. (She goes to the door. In walk trampslady, tex, savvysparrowluv, lovethemtigers, kate, willo, selinaandbruce, minie mina, surreal, potcfan, piratediva, iheartpocky, and lovelyone)
Elizabeth: Who are all these people?
Katie: Wait a second...they have an obsessive look on their face, cameras in their hands, home-made shirts with you kissing whoever they want you to......these are fangirls!
Fangirls: OH MY GOD IT'S ELIZABETH SWANN TURNER! WE LOVE YOU!!!
(Elizabeth disappears into a sea of giggly excitement)
Meanwhile, at Hooters....
(Will and Barbossa are on one side of the booth, Jack, Gibbs, and James on the other)
Will: Feel better now that we got you some hot wings?
Jack: William, I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm fine. Nothing bothers Captain Jack Sparrow. (crams another wing into his mouth)
Busty Brenda: How are you cuties doing? Ready to order?
James: Round of rum and cokes on me. (lays out gold coins)
Barbossa: Ye never heard of a debit card in your many travels have ye, James?
Barbossa: Never mind. Liquor is liquor.
(They all watch Busty Brenda leave)
Gibbs: Oh, what I'd give to have her on the deck of a ship, the wind blowin' that top every which way. Know what I mean, Jack? (nudges him) Jack?
Jack: Mate, I think it's time to come clean: I think I'm attracted to small-breasted girls.
(All the men gasp)
Meanwhile, at the Turner house.
Elizabeth: (seeing all the fangirls out the door) Yes, it was lovely meeting all of you. I'll ponder all your comments later tonight. Okay, yes. Goodnight. Goodnight. Shoo! (closes door and exhales)
Sailor: Seeing the girls always makes me smile.
Elizabeth: Glad it did that for one of us. What's wrong, Katie?
Katie: Oh, this is your night, Elizabeth! We're here to talk about you and the little one. Have you picked out names?
Elizabeth: Oh, a few here and there.
Jack: (breaking down) Why must women be so complicated?! All they're here for is to toy with us and vex us like nothing else and then bedevil our days with chatter because they're never satisfied. Just when things are great they want to know where you see them in five years and if you'll still love them if they lost all their hair and it just boggles the mind to think we men sit there and enjoy it!
Gibbs: I had a girlfriend with no hair once...
James: Sparrow, what's really bothering you? What did Katie say to make you so upset?
Jack: Oh nothing much, just told me she had a job offer and she was going to choose me over it if I would just, just...(regains his composition) I'm not one to kiss and tell, gentlemen.
Will: Telling might have spared the months of awkwardness I had with my wife back when you kissed her!
Jack: Opening that up again, are we?
Barbossa: Look, let's not worry ourselves over what Elizabeth and Jack didn't do...(to himself) or did do. (once again talking to everyone) Let's hear what's happening now.
James: We're all here for you, mate. Now lose your inhibitions.
Jack: Katie was offered a job narrating a revival of The Wonder Years, which is a steady job for her and transitions her from film to television.
At the Turner house.
Katie: Film to television often means a strong fanbase well into middle age, which is very appealing. I won't have this great body forever.
Elizabeth: What did Jack say when you told him?
Katie: I hinted that I was willing to stay if he finally opened up about his feelings.
Jack: She started being vague and weird and seemed to want me to decide for her, which I wasn't going to do.
At the Turner house...
Katie: It's not like I was asking him to marry me.
Sailor: Ooh, a wedding!
Katie: I just wanted a confirmation...
Jack: ...that she would go off and do that and leave me out by my lonesome on the Pearl, probably expecting me to go back to the hookers.
Barbossa: I have a fix for you.
(All look at him)
Jack: You? The greasiest of us all?
Barbossa: I do indeed.
Later that night...
(Will and Elizabeth are in bed. Will has brought home a body pillow so it can now be comfortable for Elizabeth to sleep on her side-- a very fine thing for a pregnant woman to have for you future moms-to-be out there)
Will: How was girl's night?
Elizabeth: Well once my own harem left, it was nice. I just feel so bad for Katie.
Will: I know. We all felt bad for Jack.
Elizabeth: Yes. I'm sure his first serious relationship must be scary at times to him.
Will: (looks reluctant) Yeah so.... (says very quickly) Jackisspendingthenightonthecouch.
Will: Jack is spending the night on the couch.
Elizabeth: You should have checked with me! Remember we said we wouldn't make our decisions alone?
Will: I'm sorry. You must not trust me anymore.
Elizabeth: It's not that. Will, I told Katie she could sleep on the couch tonight.
Downstairs, Katie is covering herself up with a blanket on the Turner family couch. She's crying softly and holding a strand of beads with a Piece of 8 at the end. Suddenly, she hears music.
(She gets up and goes to the window)
Will: Do you hear something? (they go to the window)
(Jack is outside holding a boombox over his head. It is playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes."
Elizabeth: That's so sweet!
Will: Why does this seem familiar?
Elizabeth: John Cusack did it in Say Anything.
Will: Oh yeah! Want to make the most of Jack's silly attempts? (They start slow-dancing upstairs to the song)
love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
(Katie comes outside. She runs to Jack and he wraps his arms around her. They start making out on the front yard)
The house across the street. There is a nosy lady much like Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched.
Gladys: Abner! Abner! The pirate is back and he's kind of serenading a woman on the Turners' front lawn!
Abner: For the last time, I don't care!
Next time...shopping for baby and PTA night at Junior's school.
when i saw us all walking in i screamed and laughed then said to myself "heheh, im first" and then i laughed at myself
it was fantastic
HAHAHAHAHA Jack is attracted to small breasted women.... that was great.... and accidentally both of them are going to sleep on the couch. this just gets better and better. lol.
it was fantastic, I really enjoyed Katie/Jack's conversation to ladies/gentlemans
deb-it? lol i loved it willow this is my anti drug
omg!! so good!
(It's the afternoon of the following day. Will and Elizabeth are dressed up slightly, he in his dark red blouse which is what he looks best in, and she in her motherly frock-and-vest combo. They've arrived at Junior's school.)
Teacher: Welcome, parents. We hope you're excited for the students' project "Meet My Family."
Elizabeth: Why is she pluralizing herself?
Will: That's just teacher talk.
(Jack storms in)
Jack: What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
Teacher: Uh, nothing. We're just about to start. We're going alphabetically, so if your child is near the end of the alphabet, you can just sit and relax and enjoy the rest of the studetnts' presentations.
(Jack finds Will and Elizabeth and sits next to them, grinning)
Elizabeth: Couldn't miss a class project?
Jack: Well, love, when the assignment is supposed to be a surprise for the parents, Junior felt the need to confide in another adult.
Will: We're using that term loosely, aren't we?
Jack: Mind your tongue, young William.
Will: (playful banter) How was the couch last night?
Jack: (implying as much sexual innuendo as he can in a classroom) Stimulating.
Teacher: All right, next up we have Will Turner Jr. Let's prepare to meet his family! (leads clapping. Everyone claps for Junior as he goes to the front of the room)
Jack: Finally. Not since I had me crew go through keeping diaries have I seen so many spelling errors.
Elizabeth: Sh. Junior's starting.
Junior: My family is the Turner family. (he opens up his hand-made book made of construction paper) These are my parents, Will and Elizabeth. Dad is the retired captain of the Flying Dutchman and now writes books and films after-school specials. Mom is the Pirate King, supervising all of Shipwreck City.
(Will and Elizabeth are beaming)
Junior: (turns the page and shows close up drawings of his parents' faces) Dad spends a lot of time with me now that he is home for good. I've learned he's a lot of fun and a great dad and that lobster gives him gas.
(Will looks mortified. Elizabeth and Jack look uncomfortable)
Junior: Mom is expecting another baby. I will have a brother or sister. I don't think she enjoys being pregnant because she goes into the bathroom to throw up a lot and screams "Oh God!"
(Elizabeth smiles nervously.)
Junior: We have a large extended family. Mom and Dad know them from their adventures. This is my Uncle Jack. (shows a drawing of Jack)
Jack: Now we're getting somewhere.
Junior: He plays with me and loves our family very much. He loves us so much that sometimes he drinks all our rum so he can spend the night.
(Will and Elizabeth start laughing. Jack doesn't look so confident anymore)
Junior: Uncle Jack is also a pirate and captains the Black Pearl. This is a picture of when he took me to see The Lion King. He's so caring he cried when Mufasa died.
Jack: I did not!
(Will and Elizabeth shush him)
Junior: Mom and Dad invite a lot of people to the house. This is James Norrington. He was dead but Dad brought him back to life. James is now the head of the East India Trading Company. He's really funny. He says made-up words like "sh*t" and "f*ck" sometimes.
(Will's eyes are bug-eyed. Elizabeth has her hands clamped over her mouth)
Jack: From out of the mouths of babes...
Junior: We always have lots of visitors and fun at our house. Mom and Dad like their friends a whole bunch but sometimes they say they wish they could be alone more to do something called re-enacting their beach honeymoon.
(All the parents are looking at the trio)
Junior: I love my family and am excited to be a big brother. The end.
Teacher: Okay....let's all give Will Jr. a round of applause.
(strained, awkward clapping ensues)
*pounds fist on floor*
That was HILARIOUS!! Definitely one of my favs in the series so far, absolutely priceless about the lobster - I almost snorted, hahaha
oh my word, what is that expression? laughing your ass off? yeah thats me!!! Jack cried when Mufasa died?! re-enacting the beach honeymoon? HAHAHAHA oh my word that was so great... poor Will junior, he's got no chance of being normal...
lmao...my bros yelling at me for laughing soo much
lol, so junior know the best why does Jack drink rum ?D
Tramps, you are again before me, I hate timezones
sif...i always am hun...always
remembered, I must be faster next time
omg, that is so cute!!!! I love the Stimulating part....and you know who taught James to cuss like a sailor? me baby hahhahah!!!!!!
Originally posted by Sifzensinril
remembered, I must be faster next time
The video for the baby continues
(Elizabeth is walking around with the camera)
Elizabeth: It's finally a quiet day for us, just kicking back this fine day, thinking about putting in a movie. Hi, Junior!
Elizabeth: Hi, Will.
Will: (waves) Have you forgotten what we're doing today?
Elizabeth: Nothing is on the calendar until the two-month ultra-sound tomorrow.
Will: It had to be rescheduled for today. We have to be there in an hour.
Elizabeth: (picks up camera) Oh, sorry about that! (growls at Will) Why didn't you remind me before? We have to get a sitter and I need to comb my hair.
Will: I think the men of Shipwreck City would love to see their Pirate King in sweatpants with...is that a potato chip in your hair?
Elizabeth: What? I....shut up! (goes to phone) Barbossa? Barbossa. You need to come sit Junior for a while. No, we aren't going to take him with us. Because a doctor's room is boring for a kid. Well, I'm calling in a favor. (hangs up phone)
Will: He won't come?
Elizabeth: Apparently he has to go back to traffic school. He crashed a ship into a cemetary this time.
Will: Luckily no one was hurt.
Elizabeth: Oh ha ha ha. You got a million of them.
Will: I do. Know how many dead people were in there?
Junior: How many, Dad?
Will: All of them.
(Junior thinks this is the funniest thing ever. Elizabeth rolls her eyes and tries another number)
Elizabeth: Gibbs? It's Elizabeth. Could you come and sit Junior for a while? (hangs up) Why didn't you tell me Gibbs had a date?
Will: I didn't know myself. Who is he going with?
Elizabeth: I don't know. Do you know who Kathy Bates is?
Will: The naked lady in the hot tub from About Schmidt?
Elizabeth: Oh is that her? Wow.
Will: Well, she was in Misery and Fried Green Tomatoes, much better movies, but...that's beside the point. What about Jack?
Elizabeth: Jack doesn't have a phone. Will, I think we may have to call Captain Teague.
(Will and Junior spit out their drinks of water)
Junior: He's weird!
Will: He snorted his dad's ashes!
Elizabeth: There's no one else. James is taking Sailor out on the ship for a week-long getaway and I'm not using the dad-link on such short notice. (on phone) Hello, Captain Teague? King here. We need to see the baby's ultra-sound. Can you come watch Junior? No more than an hour and a half. Ok. Thank you. (gets off) He's coming over.
(Will runs into the living room and starts straightening up. Junior has run upstairs)
Elizabeth: Junior, what are you doing up there?
Junior: I'll be down in a second!
(Teague bursts in, the dog close behind him)
Elizabeth: Thank you for coming.
Teague: Been a long while since I've had a little boy around.
(Junior has come down in a suit)
Teague: I guess what little boys like has changed. Don't you want to get dirty while Mum and Dad are gone? Oh when Jackie was a boy...
(Junior goes back upstairs to change)
Later, at the doctor's office:
Nurse: Okay, watch out. This jelly is cold. (rubs the jelly on her stomach)
Elizabeth: Tee hee! (stifles herself and blushes)
Will: Aw, what a cute pirate king.
Nurse: All right. Let's see who we can find. (on the screen, something that looks like a kidney bean shows up)
Will: Wow, it's very active.
Nurse: Sure is. Let me just take a couple pictures for you.
Elizabeth: Does everything look all right?
Nurse: So far. We'll have a more detailed one later.
Will: How long is it going to look like a knocked-over snowman?
Nurse: First kid?
Will: My first pregnancy, not hers.
(Nurse looks confused)
Elizabeth: He couldn't be here for any of this the first time.
Nurse: Oh! You're the Turners! I have your book! Will you sign it for me?
Will: Uh, sure.
Nurse: (squeals) Oh! Just let me print these off and then I'll go get it. (leaves)
Elizabeth: I'm so glad you're here, Will. (they hold hands and he kisses her cheek. It's a touching parent moment)
(Teague and Junior are under a bunch of pillows and blankets, a fort. They have plastic pistols and are sticking them out. Will and Elizabeth come home)
Junior: Halt! Who goes there?
Will: (hands up) Young and good-looking parents bearing baby pictures.
Junior: (runs out) Ooh, let me see! (Teague follows him)
Elizabeth: Here they are, big brother.
Teague: (about the picture) Pirate arms, those. Will be a strong one. (pats them)
Elizabeth: Thank you for baby-sitting, Teague. (turns around) Teague?
Will: That's so odd.
(Teague is outside now. He coat is blowing in the breeze like a cape)
Teague: Whenever busy parents need me, I'll be there. Wherever a small child is reluctant to take a bath or go to bed, I'll be there. (hands on hips)
(Jack is walking down the street)
Teague: (to himself) Holy crap! Gotta go. (disappears into the bushes)
Hahahaha.... Teague to the rescue!!
Originally posted by Tramps Lady
1st again!!! muahahahaha!
lmao, put the wrong quote:P
well sif..u know wat i mean:P
Tramps of course, I know exactly what you mean
LMAO!! So funny!
(Pregnant Elizabeth is discovering carrying in groceries is more a hassle than usual)
Elizabeth: (knocking with her arms full of bags) Hello? Will? Junior? (fumbles for her key. A bag breaks open and some cans spill out) Oh, f*ck me!
(A whistling Teague walks by)
Teague: Hark! Do I hear the sound of frustration? (runs into a telephone booth, comes out looking exactly the same) What seems to be the problem, Pirate King?
Elizabeth: I need some help carrying these groceries in. Hold these while I find my key.
(She unlocks the door. Jack conveniently walks by)
Jack: Hey! What's this? Whenever I needed help with anything, you'd tell me to suck it up and be a man and yet when Lizzie needs you to just hold something, you feel like being a gentlemen?
Teague: (pulls gun on Jack) Sparrows are not gentlemen, boy.
Elizabeth: (door opens) Finally! (takes bags) Thanks, Teague. Hi, Jack. You can both come in if you want.
(Teague and Jack look at each other. They try to squeeze through the doorway at the same time)
Teague: Where is Mr. Pirate King?
Elizabeth: Don't know. (sees note on table) 'Dear Sugarloaf.' Uh....that's code in case someone should break in.
Jack: You two used to be cool. Well, YOU used to be cool.
Elizabeth: 'I'm out getting new school supplies with Junior. Apparently, he decided the best way to defend another kid's honor in class was to tear his supplies to shreds and hurl them at the bully. He's a chip off the old block. We'll be back soon. Will.'
Jack: (peers in the bags) Ooh, Hawaiian Punch! (gives Elizabeth a sad puppy face)
Elizabeth: Go ahead and pour yourself some, Jack.
(Jack claps his hands and pours himself a glass)
Teague: Well, this is a nice house, with a child in it already and another one on the way. Happy marriage, good friends...this is getting a little too domestic for me. Teague away! (pretends to fly out door)
Elizabeth: Was he always like that?
Jack: No, you see, before he got this superhero complex, he was just an ass.
(Elizabeth cracks up, and then makes a face)
Jack: Oh, I'm sorry. Hawaiian Punch, love? Not as good without the rum, but whatever.
Elizabeth: No, I...I think I just felt a kick.
Jack: Quite so?
Elizabeth: (laughs to herself) It sure is. Will Jr. felt the same way.
Jack: Can I...(makes awkward gesture)
Elizabeth: Jack, it's too early for someone to feel it on the outside.
Elizabeth: (suddenly looks afraid) Jack! You can't tell Will it kicked while he wasn't here!
Jack: Why not? Not as though I could feel it, which means unless years of being on the Dutchman have made all his senses particularly acute, which I doubt, then he wouldn't be able to feel it either.
Elizabeth: It's not that. He's been trying so hard to make up for not being here when I was pregnant with Junior. If he knew he missed a milestone like this, it would crush him.
Jack: I like crushing people. Makes me feel big.
Elizabeth: I'm sure Katie would say you were big.
Jack: I...oh, that's the perverted Pirate King I know.
(Will comes in with Junior)
Will: Look! I picked up KFC!
Junior: He wouldn't let me hold it, said I would just peel the skin off.
Will: That was what you did last time.
Junior: One time, Dad!
Elizabeth: You're just in time to help me put away the groceries before we can eat it.
Jack: (like a little kid) Lizzie bought Hawaiian Punch!
Will: Don't you have a home?
Jack: I do. I thought I would come in for a drink using this (looks at mug) "Indianapolis Brickyard 400" mug.
Will: Who do we know that's been there?
Elizabeth: I don't know. (they all look at it) What is that doing with our cups? Junior, do you know where we got that?
(They catch him peeling the skin off a chicken thigh)
Will: Good Lord! (runs over to the door leading into the dining room. There is a note attached to the door via a knife)
Jack: Now that's what I call penetration.
(Will takes note off and reads it)
Will: "If you ever want to see Kate Beckinsale again, you will bring 1 million euros to the Indianapolis Speedway. To prove we're not bluffing, look under the mug."
(Jack cringes and slowly turns the mug over)
Jack: I hope it's not a body part. (mug is all the way over)
Elizabeth: What is it?
Jack: It's a note that says, "We're not bluffing." All right. I'm off. Junior, peel a skin off for me.
Elizabeth: Jack, wait! We'll help you!
Will: I'll help him. You're in no condition to be fighting now. You're not even supposed to get your heart rate over 150.
Elizabeth: Will, we're doing this as a family. We all need to get Katie back.
Will: All right. Send word out to James, Gibbs, and Barbossa. We'll need their help.
Jack: And whatever anyone does, we do NOT tell Captain Teague about this. (puts hand out)
(Will, Elizabeth, and Junior put their hands in. It's a very campy moment, but hey, I love the trio.)
Junior: Hooray! I'm off on an adventure with my parents and Uncle Jack! Just like the stories you guys told me. (catches himself) Don't worry, Uncle Jack. Katie's tough. She'll be all right.
(Jack doesn't say anything. They all go out the door. Jack is loading his gun as they go.)
To be Continued!
lmao!!! im crying from laughing..why must u make me suffer willo!!?? ur soo great at writing these!
And yes sif...im first again
yeah, now it's time to see what sailor brings to the party!
rofl, I'm so currius what happened to Katie
Tramps, I slept (fortunately) when you posted
lmao sif...i love time difference
I do not
what time do you have now?
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